Pregnant and unsure of whether to stay with the father

[Tiff121488]

I am almost 7 months pregnant now, and the whole thing has been a nightmare.  I was very ill for 2 months, like couldn't get out of bed ill so I was forced to quit my job.  During this time the father of the child was at a police academy so nowhere around.  When I first found out I was pregnant he said he would like to keep it and stay together and we have been trying to work things out.  Since I lost my job I have been unable to pay all my bills and my parents have been paying them for me, he has not been the best help financially and even though I did manage to get employment I'm still needing my parents help while he bought himself a 2011 Jeep and a brand new Harley.  We used to be somewhat inseparable but now that I live with him and he is outta the academy its like he doesn't enjoy or want to be around me.  He went out last night and I was clearly upset this morning but he said absolutely nothing to me about it.  Didn't even acknowledge anything was wrong.  Some days he is good and we are happy but how can you just ignore the fact that someone is upset with you... I honestly don't understand him and I don't want our child to be brought into such an unstable relationship.

[pitter]

Hi Tiff,
Glad to hear that you went  home, and didn't drag it on for a long time in misery and pain!!!!
Best wishes with your decisions, and in your future!

[nursegirl6572]

You are one smart cookie!  You did the right thing getting out of that situation!  Good for you...you deserve more.

Adoption is a personal choice, but let me tell you, it will be the most selfless thing you could do...to give that child a chance...with people who are prepared and ready to have a family...and who want one more than anything, but can't have one the biological way.

I was adopted, and while I have never met my bio mom, I have such an enormous feeling of gratituide toward her, and an unbelievable respect, as I'm sure it was very hard.  My family is amazing.  I couldn't be more blessed.  I always felt "chosen"....special, over my sister even (who is their bio child), that's how much I felt wanted and adored.  I couldn't imagione my life any other way.  I have NEVER felt negatively towards my bio family.  They gave me the most amazing gift a person can.....a chance at the best life possible.  Andm they were selfless enough to put their own feelings aside so that could happen for me!

PLEASE give it some thought...talk to professionals about it.  It's your choice in the end..I just wanted you to hear a story about how adoption can be miraculous.  I'm thankful every day my bio Mom made that choice FOR me.  What bigger love is there to "let go" of someone you love so much...solely because it is in their best interest?  That's amazing.  Unfathomable actually.

Whatever decision you make is YOURS.  Don't let anyone make you feel badly, no matter what you choose.  You're a very wise young lady.  You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders.

I wish the very best for you.  I wish you loads of support, from your family, friends, God...while you make this decision.  You take care, sweetie.

[Tiff121488]

To update, i did leave... he told me he couldnt do it anymore, and we werent going to be happy.  I made sure he knew that his selfishness was the source of my unhappiness and i felt i did everything in my power to make it work.  I knew he wasnt going to change his mind so i returned to my parents.   I am now just trying to get over the break up and focus on making the best decision for my daughter.  I dont even know if he would wanna be there for his child at all but i feel a child deserves a mother and a father.  Im considering adoption for her since i would never be able to give her everything she deserves.  I know it would break my heart to give her away, but at this point its all about what is best for her.

[Tiff121488]

To update, i did leave... he told me he couldnt do it anymore, and we werent going to be happy.  I made sure he knew that his selfishness was the source of my unhappiness and i felt i did everything in my power to make it work.  I knew he wasnt going to change his mind so i returned to my parents.   I am now just trying to get over the break up and focus on making the best decision for my daughter.  I dont even know if he would wanna be there for his child at all but i feel a child deserves a mother and a father.  Im considering adoption for her since i would never be able to give her everything she deserves.  I know it would break my heart to give her away, but at this point its all about what is best for her.

[pitter]

can you  take the initiative and move in with your parents ? Tell him you are not happy with the way things are going, and that YOU need time to figure out what is best for you and the baby, and maybe he will have  some time to think and see what he wants to do. Don't  do it angrily, just give in to what he is putting out to you, and be honest with yourself, and get out. For now at least.
Don't be weak, and force yourself on him.
Of course he should have some financial responsibilities in this. It is his child too.
If it was me ,  But I would get out before discussing that just yet. I would make a move, and let things fall into place. and they will turn out for the best. But to stay and accept this behavior, that is making you unhappy, is going to set up trouble for the future, and it will probably end anyway this way, or you will just be miserable, and so will he and the baby. best wishes, BE STRONG.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm glad you are in college and getting things on track for your future.  Sadly, your boyfriend is either in shock and thus appearing to be reluctant about this whole thing.  he then may step up to the plate once the baby is here and do his job as dad.  Not probably how you'd dreamed it would be.  But life justs works out the way it does somethings and we have to accept that.  The other possibility is that he really does not want to be a dad at this time and while he may care for you, is not sure he wants to tie his life to yours fo eternity. I don't say that to hurt you but just because you kind of have to prepare for that if it is the case.

I personally think adoption can be a win win when the timing is wrong to have a child but that is a very personal choice for any woman to make.  you have to do what is best for you and in your/the baby's best interest.  

I wish you all the best in sorting this out.  It is hard and being pregnant causes all kind of extra emotions on its own.  Good luck and peace

[RockRose]

Tiffi,  have you considered adoption for your child?  It sounds like you're a college student and he's your college boyfriend although he's in the police academy,  it doesn't sound like you two have any real intentions of being a family.

[Londres70]

How old is the bf?

I am not sure why he wasn't wearing any condoms if you knew you couldn't take bc.  To add: most forms of bc are very effective if used properly; most of them have a very low failure rate.  

Secondly, you were only 9 months together before finding out that you were pregnant.....that's really too short of a time frame to be even considering children or pregnancy.  

Of course he seems like a different person.....he's scared and freaked out about this baby situation.  I think he is afraid because now he is totally aware of the fact there is a baby on the way and that will require alot more than what he is willing to give; this is totally overwhelming.  Plus, you aren't working and your parents are taking care of you.  The financial burden will be heavy on your parents and him.  

"I honestly don't understand him and I don't want our child to be brought into such an unstable relationship."   Well....nothing you can do about that because this has already happened.  

Whether he comes around and does the right thing.......I am not so sure about this.  I would recommend preparing yourself for becoming a single parent because I think that is how this will end.  Start putting your focus on preparing for your baby's arrival and on finishing school and take it off this bf.  

Things just moved way too fast in this relationship and unfortunately it sounds like he wants out and nothing to do with this situation.  Sorry.  

[Tiff121488]

To give you guys more information about myself.   I am 23 years old and I am currently in college.  The boyfriend and I had been together for 9 months before finding out I was pregnant.  I was told by my doctor to stop my birth control because I had a mini stroke, and the other form we used failed.  
He has just become a very different person ever since we found out.  He seems distant and not as eager to please me as he was before.  Every time I bring these things up he just says that's the way he is and he isn't going to change.  I do not mind that he wants his time away, but he doesn't communicate with me about it.  He just takes off.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

Sorry, but Your Child IS being brought into this unstable relationship!! - no turning back now.  What's done is done!!

If He is not making You AND the Child priority - well, then, You will have to do that.  You're very fortunate that apparently You have Your Parents who are willing to help You.

Choose more wisely next time, but don't be in a hurry for next time.  Busy YourSelf with being a Good Mommy to this Baby who apparently is going to have to start our life without a Present Daddy.  

Don't let this happen again - to You OR to Your next Baby.  Love IS a CHOICE - give YourSelf TIME to CHOOSE wisely, next time.  Babies deserve to have a Mommy AND a Daddy - present AND "hands on"!!

[RockRose]

I agree with the other's thoughts and say this is a problem with a very unclear plan and no clear communication.   The only arrangement you seem to have is that you will "stay together and try to work things out".  That's no understanding at all,  really.

You need to decide and fully agree on all these questions:

1.  Who will be responsible for the money?    If you decide each of you will function as roommates,  completely responsible for your "half" of the bills,  and if you can't earn the money you must seek your half elsewhere like loans or money from parents,  that's not a partnership at all.  That's a roommate with benefits.

2.   Will you get married?  Or at least behave like a married couple?  If one of you needs to go to the emergency room or has an auto breakdown an hour away,  will the other be there to help?  Do you consider each other your primary caretakers,  each being responsible for the wellbeing of the other?  

3.   Who will be responsible for the baby?  

This is the most important thing you'll ever do.  There is no way you'd rent an apartment or buy a car with no understanding of the agreement,  but here it's happened.  I wish you well.

[Londres70]

How long have you two been together and how old are you?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  

Well, this is hard.  I am not sure where you boyriend stands in terms of this relationship, being a good partner and father.  If I were you, I would have a sincere heart to heart with him.

You live together---  is he poviding the rent?  The gas and electic? Food?  Just curious how you break out bills.  

He will have to pay child support if you don't stay together which will help with bills but also, you might look into job training, classes you can take to put youself in a better position financially.  

His being unattentive---  is that new?  I do think eveyone should go out from time to time with their friends.  Everyone deserves that time to cut loose with their buddies (you too . . .  even pregnant, you can get together with friends and have dinner and hang out).  But if he is always leaving you--  that is another story.

How long were you together prior to the pregnancy?