Should i break up or continue

[Shiva09]

Greetings everyone. I just joined this forum today and infact this is my first letter to any site in Internet on my personal life.
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......

[teko]

Ya know, you were wrong, you admitted it, your folks were wrong (they should admit it and apologize as well), but it sounds like a long history of bad feelings there. She has a right to be hurt this is true, but it sounds like she is using every single little thing to exercise control and to continue to be a victim. You need to take back some of the control over your own life at some point as obviously she is more interested in punishing you than working on the marriage. I still believe only a few women are strong enuff to survive their spouse having an affair. What you are describing is the path leading to not making it in your marriage. I am not sure she is capable of anything other than blame at this point, it has worked for her in helping her get her way and loads of attention. At some point you just got to smell the roses and move on. The ball is in her court and it is time you let her know that. I mean, I am almost beginning to understand how the affair happened as wrong as it was. Who could live like this for very long without killing each other? With her mood swings I would watch my back my friend.

[specialmom]

I really admire you for making this work and still hope deep down that it does.  But what worries me is your wife seems to not feel she has any responsibility in this.  She needs to also try to make changes to get the relationship back on track.  I'm worried that she is depressed or more with regards to her mental state and things can't get better until that is addressed.  She seems so unwilling to seek any help or ownership of what SHE does to derail this relationship that I feel the chances of success with that are not high.  And because you did wrong and have guilt over it, you are not able to tell her forcefully or with any credibility that she MUST address her own problems in order for this relationship to work out.  You are in a difficult situation.  I think that it was good that you were trying to bring romance/connection back and you had some good moments with that.  I'd continue that and try to make it to a couples therapist.  I'd bring up in therapy that she is unwilling to move on and repair the relationship, that she verbally and physically attempts to abuse you, etc.  She'll want to attack you for that-------  but she needs help with it.  I'd also start to think about worst case scenario.  And before that happens (as in you have to leave her)---------  I'd lay it on the line.  SHE needs to address her chemical imbalance, she needs to get involved with some sort of anger management program, and you will give her a chance to fix HERSELF or you will have to leave.  Just my thoughts on it----------  but if she does not address the above two issues----------  this relationship will end.  For your own sake, it would have to.  And quite frankly, I'm worried about your daughter in the environment with such a volatile mother.  good luck

[Shiva09]

I think i'm loosing it, cant understand this situation.
I don't feel like going home after work. Only thing that draws me back is my daughter. I am slowly feeling the indifference towards her, constant bickering now is getting into my nerve. Constant snooping, sniffing for any evidence against me, every bit of stuff in the house is looked into with suspicion whether it belongs to the other woman or not. Making up imaginary stories in the mind and starts believing them and interrogating me on them. It seems so damn suffocating.....

[specialmom]

I really think that you are going to have to lay it on the line for her.  She needs to take recovery of this relationship seriously.  She must embrace moving on.  She can be angry but she can not ruminate over things and pick fights to the point of physical altercations.  She just can't.  And she needs to know this.  She needs to address her difficulty in handling her anger and find appropriate ways of dealing with it.  I'd really love it if she addressed her mental state.  I don't mean that in a condescending way but she appears to be suffering from a chemical imbalance and that will cloud all else until it is dealt with.  I hope this works out as you would like it so.  But she will need to want it to work out as well.  

[Shiva09]

No Specialmom, i'm really not concerned with these, I have told her that she can do whatever she wants to do and in fact she did go to my superiors but they advised to sort it out ourself only. My wife has very frequent mood swings, she will be happy now and moment later she will think of some past event and get upset and start her things over...
Whenever i have tried to tell her this she then complains that i dont love her and thats why i'm complaining. No amount pf talking has helped till date.
I'm in this relation and want it to work because..
1. I have really done something very wrong...
2. We have a daughter now and want to give her a good upbringing.
3. I'm really not sure what love is at this moment and cannot truely answer my love for my wife...I want to be with her but when she is upset it doen't seems to work...Thats why i asked about the sexual part.

[specialmom]

Here is something I am not understanding----------  your wife seems to threaten you a lot.  She'll go to your superiors, take you and your parents to court, etc.  Are these real concerns of yours?  Is this why you stay?  What if you told her to go ahead and you don't care.  Then maybe she will work on the relationship for real rather than "lording" something over you.