Aa
Should i break up or continue
Greetings everyone. I just joined this forum today and infact this is my first letter to any site in Internet on my personal life.
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Best Answer
Shiva, this won't ever end. She finally has EXACTLY what she has wanted all along - a good reason to disdain you. This is what she wants so don't even think that there will be a time where you will be forgiven. There won't.
There are marriages that are fairly good, with loving partners, and when one cheats it devastates the other, and they can't get over it try as they might.
This isn't happening here. It sounds like your wife is cold and cruel to your mother and sister, and doesn't care how that hurts you and now she's won the jackpot and she can make you grovel.
There's no good solution to this. It's a little puzzling that you chose to adopt a child with her when you clearly didn't love her, and now you're stuck.
15 more years, and you can leave.
Kudos for putting up with this for the sake of your daughter. She needs you.
There are marriages that are fairly good, with loving partners, and when one cheats it devastates the other, and they can't get over it try as they might.
This isn't happening here. It sounds like your wife is cold and cruel to your mother and sister, and doesn't care how that hurts you and now she's won the jackpot and she can make you grovel.
There's no good solution to this. It's a little puzzling that you chose to adopt a child with her when you clearly didn't love her, and now you're stuck.
15 more years, and you can leave.
Kudos for putting up with this for the sake of your daughter. She needs you.
I read your story and I am not going to the obvious which you already admitted and have paid for. Lets just move it up to now and what to do as a result of all this. First of all I know you love your daughter. But I cannot advocate you staying in this relationship, the child is young and you can go for shared parenting. If you live close enuff you can even share the week and split daycare fees. You need to come clean with your wife and fess up as to how you really feel. You are not doing you, her or your child any favors by living a lie. You need to re claim your privacy and quit being held emotional hostage because your wife cannot forgive and forget. More than likely she never will. If you loved her my advice to you would be different but life is a long journey and to live like this for another 15 years is just not realistic at all. You will either meet someone else and have another affair or you will be miserable in a loveless relationship. I am not for divorce and totally believe in making a marriage work for the children, but it would seem you have never had a marriage other than on paper. You deserve to be happy and so does your wife and you can be, just not together. I say jump in and face your demons and make it right for all of you. As I said, shared parenting is an option for you and it will provide you a great opportunity to develop a relationship with your child and you will be able to enjoy each other and possibly down the road meet a wonderful woman that would share in the love of the child. Just be careful of future relationships because there are a lot of vultures and possessive people out there.
Hard lesson to learn and my question to you, was it all worth it? Infidelity is unexceptable and inexcusabe under any circumstances and leting this other woman meet your sister and your mother? What were you thinking? You weren't, so with that said, I don't blame your wife for feeling and behaving the way she does, your lucky she did'n't leave you on the spot. This could be an opportunity for you to get out of the marriage if you don't want to be in it, but if you value your wife, discuss marriage counseling with her to get down to all the issues in your relationship, your needs not being met and any issues that your wife might have. Thirdly, if nothing else works file for a divorce. You were aware that infidelity comes with Karma and consequences and you are definately paying the price.
Thank you RockRose, teko and Judy246 for your comments. I'm greatful to you all for your valued comments.
Judy, I totally agree with you and it was NOT worth it at all. I only ended up loosing far too much. I don't blame my wife for this act of mine and I feel she is justified in her reaction....but...blaming my folks for it is not correct. Introducing her to my folks was to tone her down as she threatened to call my wife at that time. She was well capable of doing that as she had already done that through her friends. Secondly she threatened suicide and at the early stages of knowing her she had mentioned that she tried committing suicide after her marriage and thats why i was scared and was desparate to calm her down.
I was desparate to save the marriage and prevent my wife from coming to know about it. My mother objected severely but after i explained my position she agreed to help.
I still want to save our marriage but my wife is now driving me crazy. Just last night she woke me at middle of the night and started fighting because i slept off without her. She seems to pick up fight on every topic. She now makes fake facebook accounts and posts me friend requests to check my reaction.
I'm sorry to post these comments but this is the first time i'm being able to let my side of the story out. My wife has told most of her friends about it and they all discuss me almost daily...only i have not been able to communicate with anyone...maybe out of shame
Judy, I totally agree with you and it was NOT worth it at all. I only ended up loosing far too much. I don't blame my wife for this act of mine and I feel she is justified in her reaction....but...blaming my folks for it is not correct. Introducing her to my folks was to tone her down as she threatened to call my wife at that time. She was well capable of doing that as she had already done that through her friends. Secondly she threatened suicide and at the early stages of knowing her she had mentioned that she tried committing suicide after her marriage and thats why i was scared and was desparate to calm her down.
I was desparate to save the marriage and prevent my wife from coming to know about it. My mother objected severely but after i explained my position she agreed to help.
I still want to save our marriage but my wife is now driving me crazy. Just last night she woke me at middle of the night and started fighting because i slept off without her. She seems to pick up fight on every topic. She now makes fake facebook accounts and posts me friend requests to check my reaction.
I'm sorry to post these comments but this is the first time i'm being able to let my side of the story out. My wife has told most of her friends about it and they all discuss me almost daily...only i have not been able to communicate with anyone...maybe out of shame
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just wanted to say that I don't think your wife got what she wanted all along which is to hold you in contempt and to have great disdain for you. She is hurt and now she is trying to hurt you back. I would encourage her to continue with therapy on her own as she needs to sort through this in a more productive manner. She must come to terms with forgiving you or the relationship must end. I'd give her a time line with this. The reason why I say this is because yes, you did something terrible. You are trying to make amends and move forward. She is entitled to share her feelings and hurt with you but cannot reasonably expect the relationship to survive constant fire. She must be able to forgive you. Some women are motivated to do so and some will live with anger and bitterness forever. She will have to do some therapy to see which it is and I think you can convey to her that she needs to work on this or the relationship won't work. You can tell her that you understand where she is coming from and are willing to allow her time to heal from this and will listen to her feelings but that there must be an end in sight and that you must hear her willingness to have an end in sight.
I am concerned however with some of the things you stated about your marriage in general. That you find her physically unattractive and are unable to feel sexual towards her. That you have incompatibility problems as well. These are things to work through as well or it really will seem that you are together for just the sake of your daughter. I think that is admirable as too many kids are left completely out of the decisions of their parents. But I worry for your overall happiness as well.
Good luck to you and may all heal with this and things be better.
I am concerned however with some of the things you stated about your marriage in general. That you find her physically unattractive and are unable to feel sexual towards her. That you have incompatibility problems as well. These are things to work through as well or it really will seem that you are together for just the sake of your daughter. I think that is admirable as too many kids are left completely out of the decisions of their parents. But I worry for your overall happiness as well.
Good luck to you and may all heal with this and things be better.
We would never blame your family or parent for this. Only you are to blame, but you are aware of this. I also feel that coming clean is a start, but you need to re-evaluate your emotion, relationship and marriage. Do you want to stay with her. What need is not being met in your relationship that is causing you to stray? Would you both consider marriage counseling and it's time to break all tides with this other woman who has done nothing, but black mail you also. It's time to accept responsibility, take action on your relationship to either fix it or leave it and you also need to talk about your feeling and the guilt you are feeling also.
While I agree infidelity is never the right choice & she is right for everything she feels & you deserve all the heat you have taken my focus is on the relationship you have with your mother. I dont believe we should ever let anyone get in the way of that.If she loved you she would see that your mother is so important in you life & would want her to be in it.You have to remember we have only one mom & when shes gone another will never come along so always remember that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
To a certain extent, I agree with the comments on the relationship between his wife and mother. But in this instance, I must assume there is another side of the story. He hasn't indicated that his wife is mentally unhinged and just has some vendetta against her. There is an issue between the women in his life and for what reason I don't know. I can also say that a mother should not get in the way of her child's spouse. I have boys and know full well that I must mind my p's and q's once they are married as that relationship supersedes mine. If my boys marry a nut job that will hate me just because they love me, then there is not much I can do. But I'd work real hard to not give them any ammo to hate me with. I think that there is probably some legitimate reason for the turmoil or else he would tell her he will not hear of this anymore. Otherwise, he is having issues with being heard in his relationship and that would be an area for him to work on as well as her. That their communication is faulty. Just my thoughts on that subject.
It kinda sounded like to me the reason was nothing more than he has to help support his mother. I could be wrong. I do agree that as a mother having a 27 year old married son I try hard to maintain a good relationship with my daughter in law but at the same time she is also good to me.It would just break my heart if she didnt care for me just because.Without knowing details I sure in shiva09 heart he knows who is right & who is wrong.
I guess I am hearing things that are not being said. There are so many red flags in this relationship for both husband and the wife. We do not have her side of the story for starters. Secondly, regardless of the affair or even how and why it happened is not as telling to me as the fact that you do not find your wife attractive sexually, she has a weight problem which you find ugly, does not get along with family members for whatever reason, and yet you never loved her. Why did you marry? And if you do not love her is it fair to stay with her and now both of you will be miserable. I think she deserves to be with someone who thinks she is wonderful and who will love her for her. You cannot do that. IMO, staying with someone when you do not love them is cruel to them and two miserable people cannot provide a happy environment for a child no matter how hard you try. I do not see this relationship working longterm. With or without therapy. The main elements simply are not there. Sorry
Thank you all for your valued comments. I honestly appreciate your views, it also shows me my faults in black and white. Few points:-
I did love my wife...despite all what i wrote, thought i would be able to change her.
I do want to make my marriage work and would give 200% effort before i give up. I'm giving it despite all the scene.
I also want to fall in love with my wife again......need advise on this.
I want to ensure full respect, love and honour to my mother and all that she deserves..my mother is my God...no compromise here.
A divorce will only be the very last option...when all hopes die
And yes! my mother is as egoistic as my wife. Both will break but wont bend.
I will revist counsellors again.....
I did love my wife...despite all what i wrote, thought i would be able to change her.
I do want to make my marriage work and would give 200% effort before i give up. I'm giving it despite all the scene.
I also want to fall in love with my wife again......need advise on this.
I want to ensure full respect, love and honour to my mother and all that she deserves..my mother is my God...no compromise here.
A divorce will only be the very last option...when all hopes die
And yes! my mother is as egoistic as my wife. Both will break but wont bend.
I will revist counsellors again.....
Thank you specialmom for your advise, will follow them as recommended. Hope it works...
We are staying togather in my place of duty.
And very special thank you to Judy 246, Lisi251, Teko and Rock Rose for your responces.
We are staying togather in my place of duty.
And very special thank you to Judy 246, Lisi251, Teko and Rock Rose for your responces.
As gratitude to all your comments and the time taken out by you all to respond to my problems, i dedicate the photos i uploaded for you all. These pictures were taken by me in places where my work takes me to....
Hope you like them
Hope you like them
Today afternoon again there was a major showdown. I had got a nice piece of music which i wanted my wife to hear. Unfortunately, despite had vertually erased everything from my past affair, somehow few pictures of the other women with my mother when they had visited me for few days (My mother had fractured her hand and came to me for some rehab time and since this other woman was threatning me about disclosing our affair to my wife and visit my place of work of her own, i thought it would be good opportunity to calm her down and requested my mother for help and let her come along with her. I was staying alone at that time) remained back in my hard disk. This i had no knowledge of and i had honestly thought that i had deleted all part of my that life completely both from anything physical like pictures and my mind. While i was making my wife my listen to music in my laptop, she wanted to check my hard disk, this i readily agreed and sat down with her but out of nowhere my wife dug out pictures of the other women. I cried and pleaded that i had no knowledge about its existance but she didn't beleive and this time along with verbal abuse she went physical. Understanding her situation i quietly took all the blows and she really beat the hell out of me. But what felt bad was she again started abusing my mother and my sister. She called up her sister and she also told me things. Im again feeling very low today...we had invited few friends over for dinner tonight which i thought of cancelling but now its too late and she wants to go ahead with it...dont knows what will happen but i dont feel like returning home.....I know tonight after the dinner there would be another showdown.....If one commits a sin, one gets punishes only once and one goes through the sentence, at least they are free mentally thereafter but here i get crusified almost everyday and night...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Let me just say from a woman's perspective . . . if I already had issues with my mother in law and I thought my mother in law was not my fan----------- pictures of her and the other woman would have sent me through the roof. The sight of the woman who doesn't like me and feels like she comes between me and my husband along with the othe woman would be very painful. Just being honest. However, her reaction was over the top. Physical abuse is never okay. It is never too late to cancel an event and I would. I'd call and say that something has come up and we will do it again soon. And I would spend that time calmly talking to your wife. Tell your wife that if she raises a hand to you, you are leaving (and do so). Then have the conversation that you are trying to repair the relationship--------- the here and now. You're sorry for the past but can't change it. Where do we go from here to be a happy couple again. Let her know that her feelings are valid and that she may express them but that she must be willing to work on moving forward or there is no point. Will she work on moving forward?
I think for the time being, choose your wife over your mother. I know it feels bad when she rips them apart . . . but she is doing it to hurt you back. She knows she can get at you that way and she is hurting and wants to hurt. Just say, I agree. Mother shouldn't have been hanging out with her. Just go along with her and she'll have less reason to use it to hurt you. Don't let it.
You can't be crucified every day. You might be able to do it for a while but someone can't life like that forever. She needs to know that but in a way that says you understand how she feels and you are willing to work through those feelings until she can forgive. It just can't take the rest of your life. good luck
I think for the time being, choose your wife over your mother. I know it feels bad when she rips them apart . . . but she is doing it to hurt you back. She knows she can get at you that way and she is hurting and wants to hurt. Just say, I agree. Mother shouldn't have been hanging out with her. Just go along with her and she'll have less reason to use it to hurt you. Don't let it.
You can't be crucified every day. You might be able to do it for a while but someone can't life like that forever. She needs to know that but in a way that says you understand how she feels and you are willing to work through those feelings until she can forgive. It just can't take the rest of your life. good luck
OUCH! Oops! Mom needs to take the back burner for now and the relationship between her and your wife will not be good for a very long time to come, if ever. With that said, if you want your relationship to work, Mom needs to be in the background. Concentrate on the marriage and if she hits you again, leave or call the police. Does not matter if she is justified or not, that is domestic violence and punishable by law. Sounds like some serious counseling is in order and joining and attending a church wouldnt be a bad idea either. I wish you luck.
Thank you 'Specialmom' and 'Teko'. I dont talk to my mother in front of my wife.
Last night we went through the Dinner event. She rather enjoyed it and i played along. It was rather amusing to hide my bruises. She apologised for the physical part later but with a rider that at that condition she was out of control. It seems she understands her her power over me now and using it fully. She thinks that i'm putting up with all this because i'm scared for it to become public and i will be punished officially by the Military authority and my career will be over.
Tommorow I'm going out for official trip and am taking my wife along, while i will be busy, she will be sightseeing. Will also take some time out. Hope it does some good...
Last night we went through the Dinner event. She rather enjoyed it and i played along. It was rather amusing to hide my bruises. She apologised for the physical part later but with a rider that at that condition she was out of control. It seems she understands her her power over me now and using it fully. She thinks that i'm putting up with all this because i'm scared for it to become public and i will be punished officially by the Military authority and my career will be over.
Tommorow I'm going out for official trip and am taking my wife along, while i will be busy, she will be sightseeing. Will also take some time out. Hope it does some good...
I am sorry, I have a hard time reading this and feeling sorry for you. I know you are aware of doing wrong but to belittle your wife about her weight and how she does nothing for you so you have an affair? Your wife must be devastated.Here she is in a family where she is not accepted ( thou be it she may be the cause) looses her babies, adopts a child while you are off doing your own thing. No wounder she has gained weight STRESS does that.Why not try being there for her. I am sorry. I do not want to sound mean. IT just annoys me when people blame others for their actions. You made the choice. And how did this other woman force you to meet your sister. Did she hold a gun to your head? come on! Man up and take responsibility., If you want out, get out, if you want it to work then do your part. Give your wife time. IT has only been 5 months. May take her years to get over the betrayal. You have to decide is she worth it to you? If she will not get council then you go alone.
I have to agree with lovemykids on this one. For days I have come on here and read and wanted to write but chose not to since I have my own feelings about infidelity and I didn't want to come off as insensitive but I just can't help myself. If you were that unhappy with your wife, you should've left her, instead you didn't, you took part in an affair where you claimed to be "forced". No one forces you to do anything. I totally agree with specialmom when she says, your mother needs to be put on the back burner. When you marry a woman, your mother backs off and takes the sidelines. She is no longer the woman in your life because the wife is now there to take on that role. A mother will understand that, as hard as it is, but she will know you have to live your life. I have two friends who have to deal with overbearing mother in laws who don't know how to back off and don't know how to let their sons live their own lives, that one of my friends is seeking to file for divorce because her husband would always choose his mother's side, and my other friend is constantly contemplating a divorce because her husband financial supports his mother and has put strain on their own finances because of it. It's not fair to my friends at all, especially when both are great women who don't deserve it. Your wife may not be the nicest but I'm sure you have contributed to the downfall of your marriage even prior to the affair. And lovemykids is correct, 5 months is not a long time when you are trying to recover from a huge betrayal. It probably feels like just yesterday and the more new info she discovers the harder it is for her to move forward. I'm sure finding the picture made her relive the pain once again and it's not a happy place to be. If you can't have patience then you should just leave now. No, she can't make you pay for it the rest of your lives together but you have to understand the severe heartache you just put her through. You both need a lot of help here and you need to keep reassuring her that you are sorry and will do whatever it takes to bring the love back. She should not be putting her hands on you but I have to admit, I'm very guilty of it myself when I experienced it done to me and didn't know where to place my anger. I've learned to cope with it better but it's not easy. Good luck.
I just returned back to my base after 5 days. Took my wife to various places and did spend some great time togather. She used to be fine while sightseeing but would start fighting again alomost everyday the moment we get back to palce of stay.
Thank you very much lovemykids465 and mami1323 for your valued comments. I totally agree with you about what i have done is terribly wrong and beleive you me, i myself am amazed as to how i managed to do what i did. I truely feel horrible...
A few clarifications - I never ever commented or belittled my wife about her weight or her being obese. I never spoke to her about her weight but definitely frequently asked her to try to exercise to be fit and be active. What feels bad that knowing this herself she never took care of her health except spending on cosmetics. I bought her Treadmill and various other exercise equipment so that she can exercise at home till date she never bothered.
About introduction to my sister - I had tried hard to get out of the realation quietly and I had made it very clear to the other woman that I will never leave my wife. She then started threatning me to disclose it to my wife and commit suicide if i don't tell my wife (she tried commiting suicide once before in her marriage before i knew her). As a bargain i spoke to my sister for help to pacify her down. She then wanted to visit me in my work location which i refused. She then treatened that she will land up over there and will create a scene in front of my superiors, its then that i agreed to get her there along with my mother who was visiting me at that time. (My wife was not there at that time).
Thank you very much lovemykids465 and mami1323 for your valued comments. I totally agree with you about what i have done is terribly wrong and beleive you me, i myself am amazed as to how i managed to do what i did. I truely feel horrible...
A few clarifications - I never ever commented or belittled my wife about her weight or her being obese. I never spoke to her about her weight but definitely frequently asked her to try to exercise to be fit and be active. What feels bad that knowing this herself she never took care of her health except spending on cosmetics. I bought her Treadmill and various other exercise equipment so that she can exercise at home till date she never bothered.
About introduction to my sister - I had tried hard to get out of the realation quietly and I had made it very clear to the other woman that I will never leave my wife. She then started threatning me to disclose it to my wife and commit suicide if i don't tell my wife (she tried commiting suicide once before in her marriage before i knew her). As a bargain i spoke to my sister for help to pacify her down. She then wanted to visit me in my work location which i refused. She then treatened that she will land up over there and will create a scene in front of my superiors, its then that i agreed to get her there along with my mother who was visiting me at that time. (My wife was not there at that time).
Well she sounds like a raving lunatic. My recommendation is forget about it. Forget about that relationship, forget about this psycho, focus on repairing your marriage. Of course if that's what you want to do. Perhaps your wife is depressed. When people are depressed they don't even have the energy to exercise. Can you two meet with a counselor? I'm sure the military can find you one.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think it was probably not the best idea to take pictures during the time she had blackmailed you into being with her and you had your mother present as well. (keep all cameras put away when in a compromising position . . .) This is in the past, however, I know you are trying to move on. I am glad that your trip was semi successful. The fact that during the day you were able to have a good time together is good. I do think the fighting later is indictive of the relationship needing work--------- but this can get better. I still think counseling will be important. She also needs to understand that she will have to try to get over this at some point. You deserve a good tongue lashing and you've gotten that a thousand times over now. She is entitled to have a vulnerable moment that she brings up her hurt and anger. But constantly making you the bad guy and arguing is an issue. I think she might not be aware that she can't continue to do that and have the relationship repair. A counselor may help her work through that. I'd keep the "dates" up and stay positive. Sometimes saying "let's go for a walk" together will work if seen as an activity of a couple vs a work out. Just getting her to start doing something would be awesome (mostly for her health and emotional state----------- do you think she has depression or thyroid issues?)-------- it matters not what it is. So a nice walk with you would be a good start. Good luck
Thank you mami1323 and specialmom for your continued guidance, i value them tremendously as it is the only way i get to express my feeling and feel a little bit better..
I have cleaned out all traces of my affair from all possible places. those pictures were mere accidental as i had no idea that they still existed. During my affair and while being constantly threatened, i had recorded my conversastion with the other woman and made my wife listen to them. They are the only proofs and few sms that i retain with full knowledge of my wife which actually shows how the woman blackmailed me. This i keep for my own security in case the other woman does something against me.
Last night again she suddenly brought up the issue and started fighting and now added insults to my mother and sister. She again went physical and abused me, my mother and my sister. This went on till way past midnight..Again in the morning she restarted the whole thing till i left for office.
She spends most of her time surfing the internet searching for the other woman and keeping a tab on whats she is doing, whom she is in contact with, who all are her friends etc etc...This has become an obsession for her
And yes specialmom, my wife does have thyroid problem. She had been operated upon for a thyroid goiter in her throat long time back and presently her T3, T4 and TSH readings are higher than normal. Doctors have not given her any medicine for this and will repeat the tests again after a month. Whenever i ask her to come out for a walk she generally avaoids it for physical reasons as she cannot even walk for a meaningfull distance. But I will try..
About the counselling, my present duty station is a remote area but i have taken up family accomodation here and keeping my wife with me only. I will try to look for a counsellor here.
I have cleaned out all traces of my affair from all possible places. those pictures were mere accidental as i had no idea that they still existed. During my affair and while being constantly threatened, i had recorded my conversastion with the other woman and made my wife listen to them. They are the only proofs and few sms that i retain with full knowledge of my wife which actually shows how the woman blackmailed me. This i keep for my own security in case the other woman does something against me.
Last night again she suddenly brought up the issue and started fighting and now added insults to my mother and sister. She again went physical and abused me, my mother and my sister. This went on till way past midnight..Again in the morning she restarted the whole thing till i left for office.
She spends most of her time surfing the internet searching for the other woman and keeping a tab on whats she is doing, whom she is in contact with, who all are her friends etc etc...This has become an obsession for her
And yes specialmom, my wife does have thyroid problem. She had been operated upon for a thyroid goiter in her throat long time back and presently her T3, T4 and TSH readings are higher than normal. Doctors have not given her any medicine for this and will repeat the tests again after a month. Whenever i ask her to come out for a walk she generally avaoids it for physical reasons as she cannot even walk for a meaningfull distance. But I will try..
About the counselling, my present duty station is a remote area but i have taken up family accomodation here and keeping my wife with me only. I will try to look for a counsellor here.
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With regards to the mother issue. Hopefully you will never have to choose . . . but if you do, choose your wife because your mother will then bend. Mother's tend to bend more if they think they have to. But the best thing is to keep the peace and tell them both that you expect this. You should be able to love both women and I'm sure it is much more complex than what we will understand here.
For building romance, are you still apart with your station? I'd write her lovely letters and try to stay as connected as possible. When you are together, spend time together without your daughter as often as possible. Remember when you were dating, think in terms of that. That romancing her needs to start all over again. Romance does not always mean sex . . . some women love good conversation, doing something they love to do with their mate, getting a neck rub. Start doing those things as if you are just now getting together. Start greeting her every time she or you walk in the door and say good bye with a hug and kiss every time she or you walk out of the door. Bring her flowers. All that stuff. But most of all, start doing things together that you both enjoy and try to reconnect.
Good luck