To Stay or Not to stay

[Desl27]

I am at my wits end. Life has become extremely difficult on every level. I'll try to keep this short. Over the last 25 yrs. I have been a 'married single mother of two (girl & boy). Early in marriage my husband was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Low functioning, very depressed, high drama. A real casualty. I stuffed it all down and raised the babies, worked, pretty much 'did it all', even though I struggled financially to do it all and still be a very present parent. I forgot all about my self, needs. No resentment though. I cherish motherhood & have been blessed many times. I finally separated from spouse 2008 but never met anyone I wanted a relationship with, I was too 'busy'with raising kids, school, work, church. thought I pined more and more for a loving, sexy partner. I prayer a lot. Starting in 2009 through 2014 I have lost major family (2 sisters and a mother). In 2011, I took a chance and went to a beachy area with my kids to be closer to only family left, and 'start over'. what happened was a nightmare. I got separate from my kids, became homeless, warring with everyone in my family. I was so very alone. went back to my home state to start over. everything fell in place. I got my son back with me & daughter went back and forth between 2 states for a while. meanwhile, both of my kids have become angry, disrespectful, non present. After my mother died, EVEN THOUGH, I kept working, attending nursing school, supporting the household, I fell in a funk. things unraveled personally. I struggled big time to keep afloat. we've moved many times. in 2012 I met a guy who was in limbo, he became a 'boarder' than a 'lover/friend'. he's blessed me personally in so many ways, we really gel and share common interests (camping, hiking, volunteer S&R) but he doesn't get along with my kids and if I had friends he'd probably reject them too. my kids do not like nor trust him. he is ADD to the max and at times comes across very rude, outspoken, immature, and controlling.  on the positive side, he is fun, faithful, willing to do the work. we've been together 2 yrs now, we still have a passion for each other (although he's 19 yrs younger than I). BUT, he absolutely refuses to 'love' or even 'like' my son who is graduated from HS and now onto college. he's never home, he said he hates being home bc my boyfriend (fiancé) is rejecting. the boyfriend says I need to cut the chord, makes snarling comments about ANYTHING I do for my son....from celebrating his birthday, to HS prom and graduation...whatever. he is getting more and more out of control with his nasty attitude.  in a way, I understand what he's saying that I should allow my son to grow and become more independent...but he mixes this in with a loathing of me having ANY relationship to my children. I don't believe he gets what a real relationship is. BUT NOT throw him out on the street. my little family literally has NO FAMILY left. we are literally all alone and this man I love does not seem to care. he keeps showing me that he is a rolling stone, in and out of jobs, lives in a tent or his parents trailer, he wants to work and travel around the country (which is a dream of mine ONCE my kids are completely settled and doing their own thing). my bf has kids at a distance whom he hasn't seen but once in several years. what to do? I am much older now, my body hurts, my finances are extremely low earning potential at this point, no car, no bank account, a son who is struggling to get his own stuff for his future, my daughter is engaged but not entirely happy herself...I am in such despair. where do I start? how do I start over?

[Londres70]

Ditto the above posters.

Aren't you still married?

So, you are ok with putting this low life, mentally unstable man above your children?

Throw him OUT in the streets and out of YOUR life.  Your choices have destoyed your family...........you have allowed this.  After getting rid of him, get yourself some help to rebuild your life and your family WITHOUT any man.  This won't be easy, but this is NECESSARY.

[RockRose]

I think you need to take some time to examine your life with bare-fisted honesty.

You have a lot of detail in this post,  but nothing about how you "became separated" from your kids and got engaged in a war with your family.  

I would never be with a guy who was basically my adult son's age and who was trying to push my adult kids out of my life,  and usually behaves in a socially unacceptable way.  

It doesn't seem he's any better than your husband.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Sorry for all the pain, loneliness and hurt over the years.  Men sure have let you down!  What I read loud and clear is how much you love your children.  Even with their being adults.  You adore them and it pains you to be far from them.

And yet, you have chosen ANOTHER man that does just that, causes a rift.  I have to wonder why you have a pattern of picking unstable men that have significant issues.  I'm sorry to put it to you that way but I really would love you to explore this.  With a psychologist.  Because mom to mom, I could not be with someone that treated my kids 'less than'.  Even if they were adults.  That would be a deal breaker for me because I love my kids so very much.  You also say that he'd run off friends or whomever else is in your life which makes him sound deeply troubled.  Isolating someone is a sign of a manipulative and abusive personality.  Not being able to be social in any way WILL cause a negative impact on your life.  This is how he sounds.  He wants just you in the world and keeps everyone else at a distance.  And would like the same from you.  

I think the rift will grow wider and wider until your kids are gone for good sweetie if you do not address this.  

Why do you think you are so accepting of men with psychological and neurological issues? Why is that your comfort zone in relationships (until it gets 'too' bad?)?

I have to agree with Anniebrooke. This would be a deal breaker for me.  I expect a life that is normal with normal family interactions.  This man is not willing to do that.  It will always haunt you.  good luck hon

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like you settled for a lot less than many women would settle for, when you let this guy be your boyfriend.  I don't care how old your kids are, your s.o. should not be disrespecting them.  Toss the guy out and move on.  you don't need to start "over," just get rid of the so-called boyfriend.  Your son deserves better and so do you.