Will he ever realize its Delusional Jealousy?

[shadow002]

I was with my husband for 20+ yrs,separated 10mths ago.Because he continuously accused me of infidelity.There was nothing I could say or do to prove my innocence.Other then his trust issues I was happy in my marriage and loved him with all my heart.I admit to making a mistake 7 years ago. I was communicating to a male acquaintance,without my husbands knowledge.But that is all it was-conversations.I took a lie detector test (his request) to prove it to him,I passed.I never pushed him away, I wasn't cold towards him,and didn't look for excuses to get away (never went anywhere without him|).I always wanted to be with him and displayed that to him.I was happy with him.He did his own tests on me-due to his suspicions,eg: checking up on me,monitoring phone calls,setting up recording devices,hired private eye,tracking device,and lie detector to name a few. All of which I had nothing to hide-simply because I wasn't doing anything. He said and did many hurtful things towards me.However I now understand that nothing I say or do will prove my innocence.I have pleaded with him to seek help,he does not feel there is anything wrong with him.I found it hard to walk away.If it been a terminal illness he suffered I would not have given up or walked away.After researching to find an explanation for my own piece of mind.I now know that it is some type of disorder that caused him to think this way.Will he ever come to realize?Hope someday he realizes I was always faithful to him.Without trust our marriage had no chance.For me,I guess this is my closure. I plan on printing this & providing him with a copy, in hopes he considers help.So he sees people experience disorders &there is help.I have accepted the fact that he does not love me.I hope someday he can understand I tried so hard to save us.Is there any chance he will realize that help is needed?I honestly feel he suffers from DDJ(& paranoia)Comments..

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, he might have once been your soul mate, but in his present state he is not your soul mate.  Whoever he once was, he is not that person any more.  Unless he decides to go for help and change his outlook, you can't impact that fact.  Good luck to him, but you are well out of it.

[shadow002]

I will agree with you AnnieBrooke, it is not healthy. And it is exactly why we are separated. I guess I am old school..as in..when I took my vows, it was for better/worse and sickness/health. Its sad to see someone you love change this way. And knowing that there is nothing you can do to help, unless he wants to help himself. He has told me how he is hurting, and that he is having a hard time. He truly was my soul mate.

[shadow002]

Thank you Life360 for commenting. Indeed you are correct, he had 2 relationships both cheated on him. (in his younger years-25 yrs ago). Which I pointed out to him..I am not them. I am the wife and mother he has been with for over 20 years. I also tried telling him if i was not happy in the marriage, I would not even consider cheating. I would leave the marriage. The day we separated he made a comment that I will never forget..."Things were too good therefor you must be guilty of something". And "If it wasn't for the trust issues everything would be perfect". I know he loves me, but I also know that there is something in his mind (possibly fear) tormenting his thought process. And about every 14 days he always found something, to text me about.His way of staying in contact I'm guessing.But its now 36 days and no contact.Now I find it hard, not sure if I will ever hear from him...

[shadow002]

Thanks for your comment. No he was not controlling in any other way. Actually his jealousy/trust issues is only in the past 7 yrs.(since my conversations with acquaintance which I did not share with him). But I assumed with his low self esteem by taking & passing the lie detector it would erase any doubt he was hanging onto.I displayed actions as a devoted spouse would. He had all my attention, all the time. I went nowhere without him,(I never complained). The only time he was not with me is when we were both at work 8-4pm. Since that was the only time I was on my own-he accused me of having lovers at my work.

[AnnieBrooke]

Don't try to get him back.  Someone that controlling and insecure will just mess with your head.  You should never play along with someone like that.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry about the end of your marriage.  He may have some obsessive thinking but since his issues are strictly related to thinking you were cheating, it would be hard to say he had mental illness.  

After 20 years of marriage, you are right.  This is who he is.  I think I'd not have played into it starting in year one and said---  we go to a counselor together and then you go to one on your own to get over it.  But after so many years of your going along trying to appease him, that was the dynamic of your relationship deeply ingrained.  

Good luck and hopefully you will be able to move on.  Was he controlling in other ways as well?