Dating man with five children, family doesn't approve

[timeout79]

I have been dating a man for a few months who has five children (two are twins) and has been divorced twice. His first wife he married because she was pregnant and he was young. They stayed married for several years and had three more children. His second wife, he was in love with. They had one child and she started cheated on him a lot and they got a divorced. He said she broke his heart but they divorced a few years ago and he is over it. He is very loving to me and I have a lot of fun with him.

My parents are furious about us being together because they think it is horrible how many children he has. They refuse to meet him and have made me to feel ashamed of him. Because of this I have started picking fights with him. I think I am projecting my frustration onto him. He is actually being very sweet about it. He says he knows that he is not the "ideal" man for me in their eyes but he loves me very much and thinks they will come around.

Am I crazy for dating a man with so many children?

[timeout79]

First of all, RockRose, I don't see how a cordial relationship with his exes speaks ill against his character. While he has his opinions on them and doesn't care at all for his first wife and had his heart broken by his second due to her cheating, he has never spoken ill of his childrens' mothers in front of his children and never will. He admits he probably wasn't the best husband to his first wife but they were not compatible at all. He loved his second wife and was really heartbroken over the breakup of that marriage for a long time and told me he never thought he could love someone as much as he loved her until me. They are both great mothers to his children and, if anything, if they were "losers" I would think that meant he had horrible judgement and that would be a strike against his character.

Second, I agree with Jen- my grandmother got pregnant with my mother at the age of 42 barely two months after she married my grandpa. My mother accidentally got pregnant with me (she was on the pill) at the age of 33. My sister in law just had her first child at 39 with no medical intervention and only tried for about four months. I realize that fertility could be a true issue in my future but I don't see what that has to do with anything? I would be at the same risk starting over with someone new. I don't know where you get your statistics on marrying after 30 but I don't agree with that, either. My grandmother and sister in law both married later in life and it worked out beautifully for them. Have I worried about both of those issues? Yes. But they are another issue entirely.

As far as my original question, I think most of what bothers me is that my parents have made me to feel ashamed of him. I almost suspect that they think it is a little "trashy" in their eyes that he has been married twice and I don't necessarily think that is fair. We have all made mistakes in our past and, while I realize that I may sound delusional, I do believe he has learned from his. I do have a lot to consider. The problem is I am in love with him and happy- except for the fact that I want my parents' support and for them to be happy, too. And they aren't.

[RockRose]

Jen - when you consider the age of 32,  you have to consider she's been dating him a few months.  So she needs another year,  at least,  to date and consider each other as life partners,  and then at least a year "honeymoon" phase of marriage,  and then begin to try to get pregnant.

That puts her at 35.

These are just things to consider,  in the whole picture.   A lot of women think they have more time than they do,  and conceiving is much harder later than it would have been earlier.

[jenkaye21]

Wow, I had to comment and disagree with the statement tha that 32, your chances are greatly reduced of being able to conceive and deliver a healthy baby".  Not true!!  Your risk of certain birth defects increases around age 35, and fertility *begins* to decline in your 30s.  But there is no reason not to think you couldn't havea child (if you wanted to).

Anyway!  That wasn't your question, sorry!  I guess I do understand where your parents are coming from, but you are a grown-up and it is your choice.  Just make sure your eyes are wide open, and you are not "settling" of putting up with anything you shouldn't have to.  Five kids IS a lot of baggage, but it sounds like things are going well so far, so I would just take it slowly and see what happens.  It's only been a few months.  Maybe not time to "meet the parents" anyway.  If you end up spending the rest of your life with this man, I"m pretty sure your parents will come around.  (speaking from experience w/ a similar situation)

[RockRose]

I'm just going to be honest,  statistically.

A man who is divorced twice with 5 kids is a terrible risk.  The odds are HIGH that if you get pregnant and produce another child,  the relationship will fall apart.  

But,  maybe not.  Maybe he really did pick two losers to begin with although the fact that they're still all cordial makes me think they aren't really losers,  he just can't form strong bonds with his wives.   So,  can't really tell.

The two other statistical realizations to look at is that at 32,  the odds that if you've never been married before that you will marry.  So if they dream of marriage and children for you in your life,  this might be a good match.  Women who decide to put off marrying until past 30 usually don't.  

And then there's the stat about pregnancy.  If you have never had a child before,  at 32,  your chances are greatly reduced of being able to conceive and deliver a healthy full term baby without medical intervention.

A lot of consider for you.

At the age of 32 it seems kind of odd for your parents to treat you like you're 17,  and refuse to meet him.    

Best wishes with this decision - there are a lot of pros and cons.

[timeout79]

I can understand their concern. Trust me, I have had the same concerns. But he makes me so happy, treats me so well. He says he realizes his past looks bad. He says he has made bad decisions in life but wouldn't undo any of it because he loves his children very much. He is a good father and he actually is pretty well off. Also, three of them are almost grown. I don't know...maybe I am being delusional? But his children have been nothing but wonderful and he has cordial relationships with his ex-wives.

[penswriter]

As a mother...if either of my boys was with a woman who was twice divorced and had five kids... I wouldn't be jumping for joy or going out of my way to meet her. I'd worry about my boys well being and emotional state knowing the person's track record with relationships.

[AnnieBrooke]

If they are concerned about him being a bad risk for a husband, it's probably the number of marriages, not the number of kids.  I heard someone once call a man who was going into his third marriage a "two-time loser."

[teko]

Unless he is fairly well off, with 5 children and two ex wives, that is alot of baggage. Then if you have one, wow, I think you are brave. That is alot of responsibility and stress emotionally, financially and with having no children of your own, being thrown in with all those personalities, you are braver than me. Altho I had 6 kids when my hubby met me, and they are all raised and gone and we are still together. He was a bachelor for about 20 years before we met. Just dont expect much on the money front of things I guess. Make sure your goals and his are the same and how to get there is as well.

BUT, as a parent! If one of my girls got with a guy who had 5 kids and didnt have any of her own, I would be against it as well! Not the best of situations for sure.

[timeout79]

Actually we have talked about that and he said he would have more for me. I only want one anyway. I think they think it looks trashy or something... I don't know. My parents are pretty religious and I think they take this as a sign he would be a bad risk for a husband. I honestly don't feel like he is, though. I guess I don't see what is so ridiculous about it.

[AnnieBrooke]

They probably think you will want kids and it will cause friction in your relationship because he won't want to pony up for more.  Ask them if that is it.  In fact, first ask him how he would feel if you were to want kids (and not just one, but, say, two).  He might tell you he has no interest in the responsibility, cost and worry of any more kids.  Would that be a deal-breaker for you?  

[man1011]

Maybe that is more their issue not his children?

[timeout79]

He is 41. I am 32.

[man1011]

How old is he?

[timeout79]

Oh, I guess I should add that I do not have any children. His three oldest are a senior and juniors in high school and his youngest two are twelve and nine. So it's not like they are little ones. I am in my thirties and I think it is not unusual at my age to mostly find people with children and divorces.