Aa
immediate help required
hi..i m facing tremendous mental torture by my mother in law from last 6/7n months...i got married last year in feb 2012..ours is the love marriage and i m S.C whereas they r brahmins n i m 3 yrs older to my husband too...i m from calcutta n he from mumbai....for last 4 years we waited for there approval to our marriage n after lot of fighting n refusal they at last agreed for the marriage...in the beginning all was well..my father in law was very impressed by me as i was good at almost evrything from cooking to household work...thsi mil could not digest as from last 30 yrs she has made the impression to all that she is the best n no one can do anything without her n so on...the worst part was wen after my marriage's just 3 months my mil went to her mom's house for 2 full months n during that time i looked after the house n my husband n F.I.L so nicely that he use to call her n say we r living here nicely n they dnt hv any prob...this made her more jealous of me...n after 2 months wen she came back she slowly started putting me down in front of my husband n F.I.L. ,she started blaming me for no reason,take mistakes forcefully...even she takes tuition n looked after her students too so well in her absence that students n their parents praised abt me to her wen she was back...now its gonna b 1 yr to my marriage n situation at present is this that she successfully brainwashed my F.I.L fully n now he is damn against me..now they both abuse me fight n say lots of bad things abt me n my parents which is uncontrollable for me...my husband do defend me but that dnt stop them from saying what they want to abt me
i tolerated a lot but now its impossible for me to stay like this ...i m whole day in my room no talking n work to do whole day...if i sit on laptop she has prob in that too...i cant see t.v as either she teaches there or my F.I.L is capturing it almost most of the time...household work finishes around 11a.m n since then till 6 p.m i m free ..i use to gv tuition in calcutta n earn a lot but here i m idle trying for a job..but thats my own effort no one helping me in it..in this new place i hardly knw people n places so it become very difficult for me to apply ..i do mostly online or thru post...evry now n then they say bad words to me that my upbringing is bad..i hv ego n proud..i dnt work ...i m teaching my husband wrong things n making him against his own family ..n they dnt feel shame to blame my parents too who r so far away n not in any picture..thay taunt for my caste n age too..my husband fight back n defend me a lot ..but still they say what they want every next week...they even say to get out of house n all..they gv us shrap too that we wont b happy evr in life..n wil die soon with bad diseases n all..i hv never herad these type stuff b4 so it hurts me very badly n disturbes me badly...i never asked aske my husband to separate evr b4 in last 4 yrs of our courtship also..but now wen it went beyond limit i did last week requested him to move away..but he said straight that he wont...n he ask me to fight back with them...but i cant do that as thats not my nature..n moreover thats not the solution to this prob...i wanted to move away n start a new life with my husband...here in this house even he too dnt hv any respect...he dnt freedom to do what he wants..even t.v he cant see if he wants to as my F.I.L always has the remote n dnt allow anyone to watch what they want...still he wants to live here dnt knw why..i said if he has prob financially i n my parents will help initially but still he dnt wish to...my sis in law is also here from last 3 months as his hubby is abroad for work...she add oil to our fight...she works n do nothing at home..not even her own personal work...she wil stay 3 more months here although her in laws stay just half n hr distance still she never goes thr..n here i m not allowed to go calcutta even after 6 months..then mil says why she wana go so soon just now she went n came....she dont allow me nowadays to work much n then later she tells to my hubby n F.I.L. that i dnt work ..even if i ask that i will do some stuff she says no to it..by saying either that she will do it or it has to b done later...n then she start doing things herself..i dnt knw what to do...she is such a hypocrite she behave like this with me at home n wen some guests come then she shows so much of love n caring on me that no one understands what is her real face..that time i feel so helpless as i cant say anything..i m having that fear that if i say something to her or to others my hubby will get angry n will stop supporting me as he does now...i cant lose my only support in this new city as my parents frends all r far away from here...i m financially more sound hen them so it becomes more difficult for me to adjust with their lifestyle n food habit...but i m managing so many months ..i just want some mental peace wich i cant get here for sure as this lady is total against me...made her husband too against me n now she is trying hard for my hubby too..i dnt knw what to do ..how to convince my hubby that i cant live here like this being tortured mentally daily..plz help ..i wana separate from in laws but my hubby not ready for it ...
i tolerated a lot but now its impossible for me to stay like this ...i m whole day in my room no talking n work to do whole day...if i sit on laptop she has prob in that too...i cant see t.v as either she teaches there or my F.I.L is capturing it almost most of the time...household work finishes around 11a.m n since then till 6 p.m i m free ..i use to gv tuition in calcutta n earn a lot but here i m idle trying for a job..but thats my own effort no one helping me in it..in this new place i hardly knw people n places so it become very difficult for me to apply ..i do mostly online or thru post...evry now n then they say bad words to me that my upbringing is bad..i hv ego n proud..i dnt work ...i m teaching my husband wrong things n making him against his own family ..n they dnt feel shame to blame my parents too who r so far away n not in any picture..thay taunt for my caste n age too..my husband fight back n defend me a lot ..but still they say what they want every next week...they even say to get out of house n all..they gv us shrap too that we wont b happy evr in life..n wil die soon with bad diseases n all..i hv never herad these type stuff b4 so it hurts me very badly n disturbes me badly...i never asked aske my husband to separate evr b4 in last 4 yrs of our courtship also..but now wen it went beyond limit i did last week requested him to move away..but he said straight that he wont...n he ask me to fight back with them...but i cant do that as thats not my nature..n moreover thats not the solution to this prob...i wanted to move away n start a new life with my husband...here in this house even he too dnt hv any respect...he dnt freedom to do what he wants..even t.v he cant see if he wants to as my F.I.L always has the remote n dnt allow anyone to watch what they want...still he wants to live here dnt knw why..i said if he has prob financially i n my parents will help initially but still he dnt wish to...my sis in law is also here from last 3 months as his hubby is abroad for work...she add oil to our fight...she works n do nothing at home..not even her own personal work...she wil stay 3 more months here although her in laws stay just half n hr distance still she never goes thr..n here i m not allowed to go calcutta even after 6 months..then mil says why she wana go so soon just now she went n came....she dont allow me nowadays to work much n then later she tells to my hubby n F.I.L. that i dnt work ..even if i ask that i will do some stuff she says no to it..by saying either that she will do it or it has to b done later...n then she start doing things herself..i dnt knw what to do...she is such a hypocrite she behave like this with me at home n wen some guests come then she shows so much of love n caring on me that no one understands what is her real face..that time i feel so helpless as i cant say anything..i m having that fear that if i say something to her or to others my hubby will get angry n will stop supporting me as he does now...i cant lose my only support in this new city as my parents frends all r far away from here...i m financially more sound hen them so it becomes more difficult for me to adjust with their lifestyle n food habit...but i m managing so many months ..i just want some mental peace wich i cant get here for sure as this lady is total against me...made her husband too against me n now she is trying hard for my hubby too..i dnt knw what to do ..how to convince my hubby that i cant live here like this being tortured mentally daily..plz help ..i wana separate from in laws but my hubby not ready for it ...
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm wondering if your husband would consider moving with you to your family's area. Seems the best option if you can not divorce.
Sounds really hard. good luck
Sounds really hard. good luck
I can understand asian family... you have to respect family no matter what? Mother in law will never like you? sister in laws always have problem? Some one in family will always be there to put fire up and just sit there and enjoy the show?.. I have been lucky that i did not had to live with my in laws for too long.. but trust me my family is no good either.. for 4yrs my own family drove me crazy.. having 5 brothers n sister in laws and a mother who would say anything anywhere and will always tell you negative things.. right now i m at your husbands' place n my husband use to be at urs... always family blaming and i try to defend him.. for first two yrs i was so tired of listening and getting complained from both sides that i was willing to give up this marriage and get divorced.. My father was happy if i do that.. which kind of disgusted me and got me really angry... but yet we r here 5yrs later strong as ever... i know being a woman its much harder for you.. but you have only two options move out or bear them... thats what me n dh did for 4 yrs... its sad because it was my own family... i am so sick of them right now that i m willing to move as far as i can from them... :)...and worst part is my dh knows too much about them and he has 0% love for them.. whatever he does is for the respect and sake of keeping families together... and i feel ashamed everyday and cant even defend my family because what he is saying is truth...
i would recommend you get a job which will provide you with your own personal time away from them.. as your husband is very supportive just make sure that you keep him on your side... when they start talking abt ur family etc... just walk away. which will be disrespectful to them and you will never hear end of it but atleast they will get a hint that its becoming unbearable..
i would recommend you get a job which will provide you with your own personal time away from them.. as your husband is very supportive just make sure that you keep him on your side... when they start talking abt ur family etc... just walk away. which will be disrespectful to them and you will never hear end of it but atleast they will get a hint that its becoming unbearable..
I agree with SpecialMom and I am also unaware of what your options are in your culture.
Do you have the option to call this marriage a mistake, and walk away and get a divorce?
That's what the obvious advice would be here. Call it what it is, a mistake, and leave before you get pregnant.
Do you have that option?
Do you have the option to call this marriage a mistake, and walk away and get a divorce?
That's what the obvious advice would be here. Call it what it is, a mistake, and leave before you get pregnant.
Do you have that option?
hello ma'am..thankyou so much for the concern u showed n thanks to all others too i felt good seeing the caring u all gave me...i come from a joint family background myself whr i use to live with my aunt,uncle, grandmom .grandpa all together happily...i myself never wanted to separate from my in laws...but as days hv passed they said so many bad things abt me n my family that i now left with no attacment n respect for them anymore still i do stay with them currently without misbehaving with them..n talking as politely as i cud..thats my education i got from my parents...they still tell e not to answer back them n not to fight...they stay in another city n are always worried abt me...i gained loads of respect n love not only from my family but relatives ,friends n students i use to teach in calcutta n even their parents use to gv me lots of respect n love..here for the first time in my life i found these 2 guys as my in laws who leave no stone unturn to put me down n criticise me...i took all n managed as much as possible but they went beyond there limit wen they abused me n my parents,called me a witch..that i have made her son a dog..n trying to make him against his own parents..she tries to prove this to evryone that whole day i dont work n sit in my room in leisure...but the fact is that most of the time she dont allow me to do work...with some or the other excuse she does the work herself...although i try hard but still could not match up to her high level politics wich she plays at home...i hv never done all these n not very good at it..i m a straigh forward person ...during the fight she will shout n say to evry one that i dnt work n if i defend myself even a single bit she will come staright to my parents n say this is the manner they taught u to answer back ur elders..i can anything but not any insult to my parents..they r world's best parents one can hv..so now i keep my mouth shut ...but i dnt wana live like this through out my life...i could hv done waht u said to sit n talk to her..but after she said so much to me n my parents i now dnt feel like doing so..n as it is as far as i knw her that wont help ..coz she is basically a very hypocrite type of person from years i think..she to rule in her home...divided evrybody from each other n herself came in good books of all..so now my hubby my F.I.L. n my sister in law they all r very close to her rather than anybody else..so thats y my hubby still dont understand what her mom is doing to our relationship...he thinks she is caring n if she complains abt me at my back to him he dont think she is trying to create a prob between us rather he thinks that she is telling generally..i cant make him see her real face at all...she is the main root to all probs...my hubby dont wana leave this house n this city....i m sure if we shift from here we both will hv more stronger relationship than ever n more peace n happiness...but i cant make him undertand this simple thing..wen fro a day also my in laws go out he himself feel so free n relax at his own home...still he dont want that freedom for ever dnt knw why....
I totally agree with AnnieBrooke.
Respectfully, I know little about Your culture so I don't know if this suggestion is possible for You - that being said, I would leave this situation and hope that Your Husband will go with You - if not, perhaps You need to know that now.
Respectfully, I know little about Your culture so I don't know if this suggestion is possible for You - that being said, I would leave this situation and hope that Your Husband will go with You - if not, perhaps You need to know that now.
Well, I don't know a great deal about Indian family dynamics, but the days are not long past when daughters-in-law were occasionally killed by their in-laws. I think you really have to decide whether to leave or not. Are there no women's groups in your city where you can go for some counseling so you do not feel so alone? Surely, especially with the recent brutal attacks on women, at least some parts of society can see this dehumanization of women has to stop. Please look around for a counselor, perhaps a woman's clinic will have someone to whom you can lay this out. If you leave, your husband might decide to leave also, to come to you after you are gone, or it is possible he might be putty in the hands of his family, but you cannot change him. All you can do is change what you will accept, and extricate yourself if need be from the situation.
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I'm thankful that your husband is supportive of you and sticking by you. Does he insist on living with his parents? Do adults who marry not move to their own residence at some point? This would solve so many problems if you had your own place. And is moving to your home town an option? I know this would make his parents quite upset and more angry with you but if your husband loves you and the both of you want peace, that may be a good alternative to the current living situation.
I also am wondering if you could not make one last plea to your mother in law. Ask her to 'talk' and then tell her how much you admire her. how much you'd like to learn how she does things (women with pride do enjoy feeling like they are admired and to take them under their wing). I realize that you are very capable and do things very very well and need none of her help but perhaps it could shift her reaction to you if you took this approach. Tell her that you love her son very very much and want to be a part of the family and would like to be friends with her. That you would like to start over and see if this is possible.
I am just thinking this is worth a shot. And THEN if she continues to be so awful to you, tell your husband that this situation is not working.
I agree that if you can be with other people--- young women like yourself? Any clubs, volunteer groups, etc? Religious organizations? Get active in your community if you can and make some friends. And if counseling is something that happens in your area, consider this as well. good luck dear and please stay in touch and let us know how it goes.