prude turned cheater

[gisellemarie]

Hi, im new at this online stuff but feel like i have no one to turn to. I need to figure out what is wrong with me! I used to be very careful with sex, pretty much never having it unless i really loved a guy. i had 2 partners in  my twenties (none before), and i really thought i was going to marry each of them. I am still with the second guy. he and i have been together for 5 years with no major problems, but something inside me changed when i turned thirty. i resented him all of a sudden for wasting my time and i began to cheat on him like crazy. with anyone who paid attention to me! i feel so ashamed. i don't know if i need the attention or if im just an awful person:(. the only other thing in my sexual history is that i was assaulted by someone close to my family when i was 23, and my family chose to believe their friend rather than me. i really don't think that is any excuse, especially since it was so many years ago.

[mami1323]

I usually do, I guess I'm growing as a person as well :)  I think I am more negative towards people who do it and don't have remorse or do it and don't want help.  Like the women who post about having an affair with a married man and love him and hopes he leaves his wife for them.  Those types of people seem to rub me the wrong way.  To me, it seems you really don't like how you behave and want to change.  Everyone makes mistakes in life and that's how we learn.  You put yourself out there for people to judge and took criticism without becoming defensive and angry.  That says a lot for a person.  You aren't a bad person, you just got lost somewhere along the lines.  imanaddict gave some good advice, your boyfriend is very conditioned to his likings and is comfortable in his ways.  Try approaching him differently than you normally do and see how quickly he responds to you.  I know that when my fiance and I are starting to fall back into our old comfortable ways I will snuggle up and kiss him and not expect him to pull me to him and hug me.  I don't sit and tell him I want his affection, I go after it myself and he likes it.  Before I used to internalize it and get resentful that he wasn't affectionate with me.  Or I would complain about it and he would feel forced to having to do it.  Now if I want a hug, I go get it.  Of course my fiance has learned a lot to, he learned he should do these things for me as well.  He should try reaching out to me more and showing me he cares more.  But let's just take it slowly first.  You can't change him, but you can change how you behave or react to him.  You are like every normal human being...you want to feel wanted, loved and admired.  These other men did that for you, they are basically your drug of choice.  You live off the high you get from their attention, from them making you feel sexy and special, it's not about the sex.  The sex is just more enjoyable because they boost your ego and that allows you to let go and become someone that your boyfriend doesn't bring out of you.  You need to find that confidence within yourself and not rely on these other men, nor your boyfriend to make you feel like that.  Know you are sexy and beautiful and use that to work on your relationship.  That's if you want to stay in your relationship.  

[gisellemarie]

thank you, imanaddict, It's half my job to keep my bf's attention and i have to really work on that. like i said before i am actually going to see a therepist next week and i hope she can help me with my communication skills and quite obviuously with my self-esteem.
i DO want to break that cycle. i don't want the "next guy" or the "next hook up" to be the only thing i look forward to, or the only thing that gets my spirits up. deep down i want to be the "good girl" i once was and i really think that wanting it is the first step.

[imanaddict]

it sounds as if you are starving for attention my dear! After being with someone for so long, the sparks fly out the window. Relationships are work and BOTH parties are responsible for keeping it together. If he is a creature of habit, then he's in a comfort zone and is probably naive to all of these feelings of neglect. It's definitely time to take charge and hopefully he will take notice of the "new" you. Keep talking to him about how you feel and make sure he knows you are serious about the things you say. Communication is always key!

as for sex, there has got to be something that will turn his head and you may have to do/try a lot of different things to get him going again, but don't give up! Ask him if need be what turns him on.

The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is NOT true. It can be if the person lets it, but it does not apply to everyone. You have got to stop that cycle and quit while you are ahead and find other ways to express your unhappiness. Your feelings of guilt are bringing out all these questions when normally they wouldn't even be an issue. I hope it all works out for you and I hope you will keep us posted!

[gisellemarie]

wow i never really thought this would help but you guys are opening my eyes up quite a bit. first off  Mami1323, for somone who has been cheated on, you have been so kind and helpful to me. what a truly generous thing to do, give me advice. i would think you would have more negativity directed at a cheater like me:(  
i never really thought about WHY he might not want counseling. and i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that maybe HE feels guilty for putting his family as a priority instead of us, and having to depend on me financially. maybe its even why he needs to be in the drivers seat all the time, to feel more like a man??? anyone have any input to my theory?
i AM usually submissive and to be honest i think that is why i am cheating: just to be a different person, a sexier version of myself, if i try to be sexy with my bf (i.e lingerie, even suggested porn), he resists...he has always been a creature of habit --same brand cereal, sneakers, shampoo, and sex forever. stability is good but i guess with my limited sexual experience i didn't really know what turned me on, , so i just went with it.  the past few years each time i intitiated sex with my bf, he says is tired, (unless its is Sat night, lol, that is "our" sex night for the week)....he DOES wake early for work (345 am) but the rejection hurt. made me feel very unattractive,
when i get hit on (i think its because im Asian, guys are funny with wanting to try a "new flavor")that makes me feel attractive, boosts my ego, and now im always looking for a guy to hit on me.( im such a loser. ). i never  used to encourage it. in fact  i rarely make eye contact with men (another Asian thing lol). but now i am verrrry aware of the glances and body language of men and if they might be interested in me. at some point (really, it was on my 30th birthday 2 years ago) i started to flirt back. then it got to the point where i liked myself as this flirty, fun, sexy girl. the first time i cheated i was stunned and shocked at myself. then, after that, i started to look forward to meeting these guys, making them want me. so disgusting. so pathetic. i broke up with my boyfriend during one the affairs, because i thought i really wanted to be with the other guy, but my bf begged me to come back (he didn't know that there was another guy),  and i came back becuz i loved him more for wanting me, and i felt more loved also. i know, i am worse than pond scum.

[mami1323]

As far as the sex thing, well, it takes two.  Again, you seem very submissive with your boyfriend.  You allow him to take charge and make all the decisions.  Is there a reason for that?  Same with sex, initiate.  If you want it more frequently, go after it.  Keep the spark going.  If he pushes you away or comes up with reasons why he doesn't want to then you have another issue.  Of course, he needs to be more domineering with the sex as well, he can't just sit back and let you put all the fire into the sexual relationship.  Again, its all about communication.

[mami1323]

Ok, that's a little bit more to work with.  I understand now why you are a little resentful, you feel a bit controlled and you feel a little trapped.  Most men won't go to counseling unless there is a huge reason to.  For example, my fiance and I had serious communication issues in our relationship.  Constant arguing and I suggested couples counseling to work through our issues.  He refused!  It turned out he was having an affair and he would argue with me because it was his guilty conscience and also because it would give him an excuse or justify his behavior (like see, we're not getting along).  After I caught him, he was the one who was asking me to go to counseling with him.  I think your boyfriend would go if he felt that there were serious reasons to go.  To him, he probably doesn't see the issues you do and perhaps doesn't realize how unhappy you are.  If he knew to the extent of how your unhappiness has led to your cheating, then he would understand.  Now I'm not saying to tell him but I feel like he's not understanding how bad it truly is for you.  You need to take some initiative.  If he asks you where you want to go, you need to tell him.  Don't procrastinate, make a decision.  Tell him, I want to go see this movie tonight and we can eat at the restaurant down the block.  Take charge of the plans.  As far as taking trips, well go ahead and purchase the trip and surprise him.  Like for Valentine's day.  You just have to come up with tools to work around things.