prude turned cheater

[gisellemarie]

Hi, im new at this online stuff but feel like i have no one to turn to. I need to figure out what is wrong with me! I used to be very careful with sex, pretty much never having it unless i really loved a guy. i had 2 partners in  my twenties (none before), and i really thought i was going to marry each of them. I am still with the second guy. he and i have been together for 5 years with no major problems, but something inside me changed when i turned thirty. i resented him all of a sudden for wasting my time and i began to cheat on him like crazy. with anyone who paid attention to me! i feel so ashamed. i don't know if i need the attention or if im just an awful person:(. the only other thing in my sexual history is that i was assaulted by someone close to my family when i was 23, and my family chose to believe their friend rather than me. i really don't think that is any excuse, especially since it was so many years ago.

[jo929]

your last post put a different light on the situation you said your boyfriend had to have his way or the highway, i do not believe one should always have their way they should both make the decisions so take a break and think on these things then you may see more clearly   luck  jo

[gisellemarie]

oh yeah. another thing i want from him -- more sex. not trying to be funny or cute. we have sex once a week like clockwork. again, ive always been more of a prude than a sex vixen, but i would love to have that physical connection with him more often. not a reason to cheat at all, since all of the men ive cheated on him with have given me only superficial sex. i want depth.

[gisellemarie]

i have no reason to get defensive because i need the help! my boyfriend IS very sweet, kind.  he is not aware of any cheating on my part, it would kill him if he found out.
i think the reason i resent him is because although he says wants a marraige/family with me, it has to be on his timeline. truthfully most things have to be on his timeline. its his way or the highway. where we go, what we eat, our plans for holidays. ok, so i get thrown a bone once in a while but to be honest if he says "where do you want to go for dinner on saturday" im usually indecisive and that gets hime upset,  at some point in our relationship i stopped caring what we did on the weekends. i just gave in all the time, but not unhappily, just because it really didn't bother me. the things that I really really want from him are for him to quit smoking (no money for bills but money for cigarettes!!), for us to find a hobby together (i know thats so corny and lame!) and to get couples counseling, all of which he resists.
  in the beginning of our relationship i could entice him to go on a trip or something if i paid for it, but now he doesn't want me to spend my money on frivolous things. he has no problem if i spend money on myself. but he won't let me take US out. i realize this is another admirably quality in him (because he doesn't want to take my money) but honestly i would rather invest my money in US than in the bills we pay together! relationships are so complicated and fragile, and i haven't made it any easier or stronger by cheating. if anything a part of me wants to break up with him because he deserves better:(

[mami1323]

Thank you for not getting defensive.  So many people tell their stories and when people state their opinion they get upset.  Your boyfriend sounds very sweet and very admirable.  Is he aware of your indescretions?  What is it exactly you need from him?  You said you had resentment for him and weren't clear on why that was.  You can't stay with someone only because you feel like they would be abandoned or because you feel guilty.  You need to be with someone because you love them and can't see yourself without them.  You are short changing him and yourself if you stay with him for these reasons.  You don't need money to get married, you can go get a civil ceremony done at city hall.  But I just don't believe your relationship is ready for marriage.  There is too much going on here to work through.  That would be like putting a band aid on a cut that needs stitches.  Perhaps we can help with more details...if you want to share that is.

[gisellemarie]

mami1323, i appreciate ur honesty. its true i have been selfish. im not trying to defend myself, when say that i am not trying to have my cake and eat it too, part of the reason i haven't broken up with my boyfriend is because financially he can't stand on his own two feet, and not because he is a loser. this is  because he takes care of his mother (who i adore, and part of the reason i love my bf so much is because he helps her. that is rare among American children to help parents. i am Asian where that is to be expected). his finances are another reason he doesn;t want to get married yet. i feel like i would be abandoning him if i broke up with him.
has anyone been in a similar situation?

[mami1323]

"once a cheater always a cheater" is not true.  People can change if they want to change.  I'm not going to sit here and say that your boyfriend deserved it because he didn't marry you after 5 years because that's just a load of bull.  Sorry no offense to anton42 because to me there is no excuse to do that.  You are hurting another person regardless if he puts a ring on her finger or not.  There is commitment there and trust and she broke it.  I'm not trying to kick you when you are down, those aren't my intentions, I'm just trying to show you that there could've been other ways to deal with your unhappiness.  This is something you will need to learn and can learn in therapy.  If you weren't happy with him, you should've communicated it to him and if nothing changed after that, then you should've left prior to pursuing other men.  Cheating to me is just a way of being selfish, you are getting to keep your boyfriend and getting to experience other men as well.  Not exactly fair and I don't think you would appreciate your boyfriend doing that to you.  You would hope that he would tell you if he was unhappy.  But this is neither here nor there because you can't change what has happened.  You don't have to be a cheater, you can learn from this experience.  That's what we do, we live and we learn.  If you know you don't want to be this way, then take the steps to change your behavior.  Therapy would be the first step and then having some self control and being conscious (sp.?) of the consequences to your actions.  I wish you the best but I do have hope that you can get yourself together and that you will become a better person because of this.  Good luck.