Cheated and now what

[whatdoidonow695]

I know a lot of you are going to throw everything in the world at me and tell me what a skum bag I am but I need some opinions please

I have been married for 16 years and about 7 years ago my wife changed, she became more of a Biotch and only thinks about herself.  We have children in a blended family,none together and they are all out of the house.  I have discussed with her numerous times about issues that bothered me that she was doing  ie nagging, yelling, not wanting sex and foreplay much, she was jealous on my daughter and I to the point I could not do anything with my kids, all my time had to focus around my wife and most of all she ran all of my 4 kids out of the home at age 17 due to her being such a pain.  Every time I tried to speak with her about how she was acting she would blow up at me and say it is not so.

Well I have been testing and speaking to this other woman for 7 years not hing really besides hey how are you, how is school going and work, all small talk.  She has asked me out for drinks a few times and I never went.  About two months ago I realized that my wife was not going to change and I put up a big wall.  One week later this woman text me and ask me to meet her for dinner and drinks and I went.  The evening went very well and she and I went for a walk in a park that was closed down.  One thing led to another and we wound up having sex.  Three months later we have managed to meet one another in a motel every two weeks.  She lives about 90 miles from here.  I did not expect it but we both fell in love.  

My wife asked me the other day what was wrong with me and why won't I have sex with her.  I told her the reasons why and also said I was going to leave her.  I plan to leave her for this other woman.  My wife started to cry and begged me not to leave, we talked for hours and she finally realized that I was right about everything and she was truly sorry, I mean EVERYTHING including running my children away, she said I was extremely jealous and I just grew up right this minute, she said I do not want you to leave me.  These past few days my wife has been the perfect woman, I mean PERFECT , its like she REALLY wants to try and make it right.  She has done this before but always fell off the ban wagon and back to herself after a few months but this time she seems to mean it

I can not stop thinking about this other woman 24/7 and when my wife and I have sex I can't get it up because I feel so guilty.

This is where it gets even worse for me, when I talk to the other woman she says lets wait a few months and then you can move in with me.  I asked her why wait and she said well maybe you and your wife will plan to stay together.  I told her I did not want to and I wanted to be with her.  She is set on waiting a few months and I do not understand why unless she fears of getting hurt.  She tells me loves me and misses me and wants to be with me all the time so I don't know whats up with that.

I hope you all can follow me.  If you were in my situation how would yo handle the it.  I really like this other woman and can't figure why she wants to wait 3 or 4 months before we move in...

I am not sure if this matters but I am 58 and she is 30.  Both my wife and friend are knock down gorgeous model material.  Any inputs will be appreciated and ladies telling me I am a dog is not answering my questions and until you are in my shoes with my situation you don;t know what you would do

[Asiansky]

Well said specialmom and londres ! i wud only like to add that ur wife deserves consideration, a relationship of 16 yrs must hav something in it  to last ths long. As mcdreamy said(Greys) its 16 birthdays,16 anniversaries,16 christmases and 16 new years. If she even tries  to mend herself U need to reach her halfway instead of letting her come allway. And my advice abt other woman: wean off her! keep her for an ocasional talk once in may be 6 mtnhs at the most better to cut off the symbiont! thats my name for marraige infiltrators like that!

[Londres70]

Deadmemory and Specialmom......they have both made some good points.

I hope you are starting to sort your situation out.  

[deadmemory]

Sounds like this other woman doesn't really have any intention moving in with you, who knows.. maybe she has come to her senses and decided that maybe it isn't such a good idea to continue to be involved with a married man. I am still stumped as to why you stayed with her (your wife) when you fell in love with this other woman.. please tell me its not because of their good looks.. being with someone because of good looks is superfical.

Well, all I can do is offer you my honest opinion. I am basing the following on what you put on this thread and my opinions...

You had an affair.. from what you posted you have little remorse... you allowed yourself to fall in love with another woman.. because she looks like a model? You told your wife you were going to leave (and you probably should have.. whether or not it would be temporarily or permanent.) And you stayed because she was showing you she'd change.. and for the most part she has which tells me that she still cares about you..
This other woman has postponed having you move in.. is this why you are still with your wife? If she wanted you to move in she would have.. which tells me she is either backing off given the fact you're married or she is married herself.

Well I think you need to take time for you. You still don't know what you want after 16 years of marriage. You need to re-evaluate this marriage and I think it would be valuable to sort it out with a therapist.

I appreciate your honesty. I don't condone infedelity at all.. there is never an excuse that can justify it.. but it takes guts to get on a forum chalk full of women (some who have been cheated on) and openly talk about it. I know you didn't want to be called a dog and you're right it doesn't answer any questions. I don't know you or your wife.. so I can only give a non biased opinion based on what you have said. With that said, I do hope that you don't find my response offensive.. I do wish you the best of luck.

[specialmom]

I really think you need to not be with a woman and any good therapist would tell you that.  You seem to be unaware how woman hopping can cause problems.  I promise you . . . you can make your own chicken pot pie.  (or whatever is making you think you can't be a single man in your own apartment/house able to call up someone to go out for a Friday date and then on Sunday, you (without a new woman----  ugh, instant family rarely works out . ..  your kids are going to get fed up with you and your women and would probably enjoy some time seeing you on your own) can have some of your children over for a while).  

Being on your own will give you time to reflect on things and come up with a plan that might lead to happiness . . . long term.  good luck

[Londres70]

In life, sometimes there are things "I like to do," BUT I do what "I need to do/should do" in regards to what will be best for me in the long run.

I just don't think this other woman has the same thing in mind as you do and will not be the BEST for you in the long run.  

Just read your initial post again and saw that this "other woman" lives 90 miles from you......how convenient for her; the distance.  I think that she never had any plans on being really serious with you.  Hey, if I was so "hot and heavy" for a man I would want to be as close as possible to him.  I am beginning to believe she was liking the idea of you not really being available and far in distance from you.  If she EVER said "yes" to you in regards to moving in I would be shocked.  

You described your wife in your initial post in an unflattering light, but she isn't sleeping with someone else's husband like this other woman is.  Plus, as you have stated, she is trying to do better and your relationship with your children is on the mend and they come and visit you often.  BTW:  trying to make a blended family work is no easy task and I am not really sure 100% blame should be put on your wife in regards to the issues you had with your children.  

Your statement...."On the other, girl friend, she told me last night the reason she wants to take a few months before we "move in" together is to see if I can rekindle my relationship with my wife".........I think this is code for "Go back to your wife because you're not coming here."  

Still suggest therapy to get a professional's opinion.  

[whatdoidonow695]

I am here for advice, I have not made a decision.  I kow what I would like to do but right now I am confused as to what I will be doing.

[deadmemory]

Correction

Your situation, not "you're"

Stupid phone.

[deadmemory]

Ok, well I know myself pretty dang well to know I would NEVER be in you're situation. If someone TRIED to run my children out of my house because they were jealous, I would be done. I don't know why you didn't divorce this woman 7 years ago. But what is done is done.
Anyways, it seems like you already have your mind made up, so what's the problem? I would, (if I were you, hypethetically speaking) try being on my own for awhile. This lady you're seeing wants to wait a few months before moving in, huh? Are you sure she is not married or is in a relationship? Sounds like she has got some skeletons in her closet.

Are you really here for advice or validation? (Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude or judgemental) like I said, it sounds like you already had your mind made up....

DM

[TTinKKerBBell]

That was awesome, Brice

[brice1967]

Wow....  Okay, I'm going to chime in.  It seems every time I do it causes ripples on the home front, but I feel compelled to speak up here.

First off, I am a man so you will get that perspective as well as the many females perspectives/opinions.  I too am a cheater, or have cheated.  My marriage was not loveless.  In fact, had I addressed an ongoing personal issue when diagnosed with it years prior, I am sure the affair would never have happened.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater".... I don't buy into that.  I think people can change and people do change all of the time.  With that said though, when you take a look at the character of the individual who has cheated, I think his/her honor and integrity will be thoroughly damaged.  I think cheating leaves one as somewhat unmarketable.  At that time, the cheater has to change his/her ways, earn back his/her honor and integrity from his peers and that takes a long time for a lot of people to do... allowing a person to earn his integrity and honor back, that is.

When you look at the dynamics of infidelity, so many of the stories are the same.  Cheating is underhanded, mean, hurtful, deceitful and numerous other things that we unfortunately judge people on, on a regular basis.  Cheating changes people.  Both the cheater and the affected person become different people.  Bonds and ties were broken and severed.  The other woman witnessed and even contributed to breaking and severing these ties and bonds.  Do you not see her in a different light?  (I bet she does you.  If not now, she will in the future, but that matters not at the moment.)

I understand that some relationships bread through infidelity do stand the test of time, but the odds are way against you.  This other woman "giving you space" speaks volumes to me.  While she may have said that she wants to do this to "give you time to see if you can rekindle the spark with your wife", I'd say it is at least as likely that she sees the relationship for what it is.  I'd guess that there is at least a 50/50 chance that she has all kinds of regrets and is questioning herself and what happened.  I'd also guess that she is trying to predict what will happen, but seeing it in a lesser light than you.

Today, my wife and I struggle to keep our marriage alive.  We are doing it for the right reasons, because of love and still being in love after all of these years.(I will not advocate you trying this because you've said the marriage is loveless.)  

Almost all of the above posters have been a wonderful influence on my wife and myself.  The people I am talking about have been instrumental in getting my marriage on the right track....  with that said, I will say this.  About taking time for yourself, to live by yourself... maybe your marriage is over, and just maybe this new relationship is not for you.  If it is, what is a few months?  I think taking some time and stepping back may shine a new light on a lot of things for you.  New ideas, new feelings, new perspectives on life in general may come about if you had some time to yourself.

I know that I negatively impacted numerous people with my foolishness and selfishness.  I never want to be as unprepared in life as I was at that time.  I have a new meaning in my life.  I am more thoughtful with everything I do now.  (Maybe that is the positive that came from this.)

I'll still suggest and or advocate that you need to have some time to yourself and let the dust settle.

[specialmom]

The most documented statistic is actually 25%----  3 out of 4 couples end if started as adulterous.  Ugh.  Not good odds at all.  

And I agree with Londres that being super friendly and emotionally involved and then later sexual relations happen is VERY different than a real relationship.

Why can't you live alone and actually just DATE?  Red flag that you can't.  

Oh, and to clarify.  I don't believe that it is an absolute, once a cheater always a cheater.  BUT, when a relationship starts out that way----  the two people that once cheated to be together have knowledge deep down that the other can cheat or might do so if they don't get along.  This hanging over a relationship can kill it.  Major trust issues come about.  So, that they started off by cheating creats issues in itself whether you cheat again or not.  
good luck

[shell921]

I was the one who posted the 2% success statistic of relationships begun in infidelity. Dr Phil is one person who researched that and he writes about it but I have read it elsewhere as well. I say this other woman will not be able to respect you in the long run because you did a dis-respectful thing. Deep down inside she knows it was wrong what she did and what YOU did as well! She probably feels a lot of shame for the two of you. And I think it's beyond awful you had sex for the first time in a closed down park - for heaven's sake you are what 50 year old? Couldn't you have gone to a hotel? ugh.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Are we overlooking that the other woman cheated too??  When a woman has sex with a married man, well,  that makes her an infidel as well!!
I'd personally not trust either one of you not to cheat on a marriage.  Which is probably partly why these marriages have a huge failure rate.  SpecialMom is right - She didn't make these statistics - She's citing them.

[Londres70]

I can understand things do happen, however, wrong is wrong.  You know you are still married and this other woman knows you are still  married, but still you all continued on.  This says alot about a person's character in my opinion.  Personally, I wouldn't be sharing any man with his wife;  absolutely beneath me.  Perhaps your wife did change for the worst and the situation between her and your kids wasn't great, but I think you should have turned to a PROFESSIONAL therapist vs. another woman to help you sort this out.  This is STILL an option.  I would RECOMMEND this; THERAPY.  

Ok, you have known the woman for 7 years, but living together and seeing someone are TWO different situations and are NOT the same.  

Your statement..."This other woman who I know well, I mean come on 7 years she has told me about her life is a lot longer than most people know each other before they move in together and some get married within a year.  Some marriages last and some do not."  This doesn't mean your relationship with this woman will last just because you have known her for 7 years.  You all haven't lived together yet.  I have known several couples who have dated for a long period of time.  Then, they move in together or get married and pffff........their relationships fall apart.  

If you choose this other woman, who by the way has NO kids and has NEVER been married, how will things be between you and the kids?  She sounds close in age to your kids and if she is that might be an issue.  Your kids don't know about this woman yet.  Yeah, she knows you, however, she doesn't know your kids.  

Obviously, this other woman is feeling a little unsure about pursuing this to the next level with you by her saying you shouldn't move in for a bit until you are sure you don't want to work things out with your wife.  She is not looking at the situation like you are.  She is not saying "Oh, I have known you for 7 years, come on and move in already."  If she was....obviously you would be moved in.  Some women like the idea or being "the other woman" and don't want anything more than that.  They let the wife or gf deal with the daily mundane stuff of taking care of the man and all they want is....well......the stuff that isn't mundane and not dealing with the man 24/7.

Can't say this will totally "crash and burn" with this other woman, but there is a high possibility it will.  

Once again.....would recommend talking to a PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST before making any more moves or decisions.  

[whatdoidonow695]

I undersatnd what you are saying, I am sorry I did not mean to flame you or anyone, of course it is very confusing at times and to be honest I do not know why I stayed in the marriage.  Recently, my son who is out of the home had some issues and my wife told me to ask him to come back home.  Although all of the kids were so to speak run out of our home, she is trying to have a relationship with them and two out of 4 call her often,  This only has taken place since I told her how I felt and that I was planning to leave.  My wife has taken a 360 degree turn.

On the other, girl friend, she told me last night the reason she wants to take a few months before we "move in" together is to see if I can rekindle my relationship with my wife.  Today, I love my wife but I am not "in love" with her, I am "in love" with this other woman,

I can see what you mean as far as per se once a cheater always a cheater.  I do not know about that because I did not go out looking for an affair and know if I or anyone is happy at home they will not go out looking for romance.

Thanks for your replies, sure I would love for it to work out, This other woman who I know well, I mean come on 7 years she has told me about her life is a lot longer than most people know each other before they move in together and some get married within a year.  Some marriages last and some do not

[specialmom]

Sorry, just knowing someone for seven years does not mean you should immediately move out of the home you share with your wife and into hers.  

I can't help you if you can't see that.  

You yourself said that it wasn't suppose to happen but just happened.  Well, that is hardly the basis of a relationship.

You can check out any psychological journal you want or just google failure of relationships that start through infidelity.  The odds are against you.  

It's no skin off my back if you go from woman to woman-----  but you made poor choices for the past several years by staying in this marriage (YOU TOLD US THIS . . . no matter the details that made you stay. . . YOU MADE IT CLEAR that the marriage was loveless and your wife was a nasty name)----------  you are welcome to continue along a path of bad choices.  Your life.  Do as you wish.

By the way, one of the reasons relationships that start as this 'on the side' one you've got going fails is that in the long run, neither can fully trust the other person.  You've show her that you WILL cheat, (even if it just happens and it shouldn't of) and she's shown you the same.  You know what each other is capable of up front and it's called cheating.  
good luck

[whatdoidonow695]

I appreciate all the comments.  First and foremost I did not leave my present wife due to other personal reasons that I will not discuss,  Sometimes timing is everything.  Today I have a realtionship with my kids and they come to visit often.  I told my wife how I felt about twhat she has done to them and she admits it and apologized to them

Why would this new woman not repect me?  We have know each other for years and although she has invited me out to dinner and drinks it was always as a gesture of friendship.  I have helpoed her with her relationships over the years as well as she has tried to help me stay in my marriage.

What happened between her and I was not meant to happen, it just happened.  We did not plan on sleepiong with wach other....it just happned.  I had already spoken to wife and told her I was leaving her.  My wife and I have several business' together that need to be taken care of and like I said there is a lot of other infomarion that I feel is not important to the situation.  You can say I am a dog for cheating and also say she is a bad person for how she was and what she did but that is in the past and I am trying to move on

I am concerned why she wants to wait to move in and no I AM NOT AFRAID TO LIVE ALONE, give me a break,  I have known her for SEVEN years its not like i met her over a weekend and want to move in.  We know each other pretty well and neither one of us have ever heald any secrets from each other

special mom, where do you get your statistics, I would like to see evidence that supports what you say about 2% and how it won;t make it a year.

[specialmom]

Oh yes I read that.  Absolutely that dooms the relationship because statistically any relationship that starts through infidelity has very little chance of making it.  AND, this woman is now backing away from him a bit.  Perhaps because of his over neediness.  Moving straight out from woman into cohabitation with another is a sure path to another break up.  

So, "m just saying . . . he has little chance of making it with the woman he's had an affair with (but-----------  they were just friends most of that time with only recently turning it into more.  maybe she like it the way it was.)

I would have been gone the first time she put a wedge of any sort between myself and my kids.  Dealbreaker for me!!  And I think he needs a long period of time on his own to think about what he really wants in life.  As I said in my post, I feel he should have left years ago but there is something odd in the fact that he did not and now thinks he might but only to go to another woman.  Kind of sad.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I note that He's willing to leave His Wife for another Woman but wasn't willing to leave His Wife for His Children.  Just saying.

I also wonder if He and new Woman will be able to trust one another since They both know the other is willing to cheat on a marriage??
Just saying.

[lucknlove1989]

In some ways I agree with special mom, however I agree with the above poster as well. If you knew things were this bad with your wife 7 years ago, why stay and put up with all the problems she caused instead of getting out? Also, I don't see why this other woman is so hesitant to move in with you unless maybe she has a little secret of her own that she does not want to reveal. If you love this other woman, which I would not doubt you do since you guys have now talked for several years, why did it take you this long to finally decide to leave your wife for her? Best of luck with whatever you choose, just remember who has pushed you away from your children and is always promising to change but never does, I see a pattern with the whole "I'll change" then things going back to the old ways.

[larbec7]

I did not see where he said he wanted to marry the other woman and how do you know he does not have respect for himself?  Love does strange things to people and sometimes things happen.  I agree he should have not cheated but it happened, it does not mean he needs to move off and live by himself and "find" himself so to speak.

I am a guy and it appears that these are all from a woman's point of view and I am not trying to get into a man vs woman argument  lol

[shell921]

I did not miss that part but it takes more than love to make a marriage work. RESPECT is a big issue as well. Do you think this new woman respects him - he is a man who cheated on his wife & sneaked around behind her back! Just saying' !

[larbec7]

Did you all miss the part where he sad they were in love with each other and have known each other for 7 years.  Does that not matter?  I know another person who was in a similar situation and married his lover and married her for many years now.  I'm just sayin

[Londres70]

Will agree with Specialmom.  

Looking at the age differences, the lifestyle differences and the circumstances in which this relationship was started, I doubt you and this other woman would be any kind of "great match."  Plus, I don't think you should put your children through any more nonsense in regards to another woman.  In fact, this other woman sounds like she is in the  same age group as your own children.