question-- bullying/ parent role

[specialmom]

So, as a parent, what do you think our role is in bullying of our children.  If we are the parent of a child who bullies, how do you think we might have contributed?  What do you think we should do to combat it?  

Of a child that is bullied, what do you think we as parents have done to contribute to it?  And what do you think parents should do to combat it?

[Nighthawk61]

for sure it's stressful. I always thought that parents were welcome to volunteer their time at camp. Seems strange to me that its not part of the experience. . Especially since these kids are so young. This other boy shouldn't be allowed to attend period. This should be a natural consequence to not only his actions, but also his propensity for assault. So sorry you're all going through this. Hopefully your concerns are being looked at from the top. Good luck SM.

[specialmom]

I have gone to recess this week nighthawk.  :>)  I acted like I had business at the school, parked on the end of the parking lot near the playground and just got out and observed for the entire time.  This boy has had TWO fights this week.  Not with my son thankfully.

I sent an outline of my expectations today--  my son has a camp experience next week--  two nights, three days at a camp with no parents--  just their teachers and camp counselors.  I made the suggestion that this boy have an adult assigned to his care the entire trip.  And that I expect my son to have full access to all camp has to offer---  and he should not be limited in any way due to this boys problems.  

we'll see what they say?  yeesh.  Hard enough to send him to camp without these worries, you know?

[Nighthawk61]

Maybe all four of you mom's should stand in at recess?

[Nighthawk61]

Isn't it anti american to not defend oneself.? this is crazy. best of luck SM

[specialmom]

Thanks guys.  I so appreciate the kind thoughts, words of wisdom and general caring.  It's been really a difficult thing to deal with.  I am having a meeting with the school administrators this week.  

And, this out of control boy was in ANOTHER altercation yesterday.  My son was in 'his area' of the play yard so not involved at all but apparently there was a full on physical fight.  So, in a weeks time, FOUR different kids have been hurt by him.  He's the problem and they are acting like they can't do anything about it.  And the boy who defended himself yesterday by kicking back also got in trouble.  I just don't agree with that.  

Anyway, thanks so much for all of your kindness and caring.  It means a lot.  

[Nighthawk61]

I am so sorry that your son is having to put up with this bully. It's crazy to hear a person in this day and age, saying that boys will be boys. What does that even mean? It's not like your son is initiating anything with this little beast.
'm thinking that if it were me i would get my son into a confidence building course, like karate with another child. How wonderful that would be. Have you thought of going to the school and bearing witness to exactly what these teachers are doing at recess time? I would. I really don't think that your boy would mind either. Anyways, why not let him know that you are there in the background? what real harm would it do.? maybe another kid would say, You're mommy is here to save you~~ So what would be the harm. They are so young, and it is so wrong. I think if it were me in your position, i would go and be there to take a look and see if they are missing too much at recess. I know you'll get this resolved for your son. You are raising him to be a sweet child. and that is what is needed. These folks that get stuck on what and how a boy should act, instead of how young people should treat each other are clueless. Go get em Specialmom. If anyone can get this straightened out, it's you. You got this. And your son is learning a lesson here, that his mom was always there to protect him. This will get resolved.God Speed.

[Londres70]

Oh SM..............sorry to hear this isn't close to being resolved.  Sounds like they needed to hear all sides to the story before making a decision about what to do, but interrupting your son definitely wasn't right.  Plus, they failed to notify you about this.  Shameful.  It makes you wonder about these people working in the school system.  Ugg.

I sure hope you went to the school and gave them a piece of your mind; I don't blame you.  You know I would.  

I hope your son doesn't clam up and not say anything because he fears he will be punished.  

School just seemed simpler when we were younger.

Hang in there.   Hugs!

[specialmom]

thanks mrjames.  It's disturbing to me how our school is handling things.  I found an article that I think really speaks volumes,  


Here's the link:

http://www.greatschools.org/parenting/bullying/4923-a-father-fights-bullying.gs

I've written about 7 emails and put them on hold.  They are all very stern.  I'm trying to come up with the right way to express how I'm feeling.  My kid took months to come forward and is treated as if he is equal to the bully and given what is in his a consequence.  That's just flat out wrong.

And really doesn't help this out of control, volatile kid.  Grrrr

[mrjames1970]

sorry to hear what you and your son have been going through , when my son was at school the kids would take turns in being in charge , the kids would vote for a team leader , they would sit and talk about things like bullying and sort out these issue , , with what  has been happening to your son and the other children  is a criminal offence   it appears in Youth Courts  . the bully is breaking the law and it needs to be stopped right away .

[specialmom]

Still terrible.  Very disappointed with how our school has so far addressed it.  This week, the boy pushed my son down face first on the playground, then another boy tried to get him to stop and threw a handful of mulch at him and then the bully went totally off his rocker screaming and started throwing mulch like nuts and ran over to another boy watching and punched him.  That boy went and told.  I told the school about my son being pushed down.  The next day, he yelled at my son and his friends but they stayed silent and then a new kid in the school said "nice shirt" to him and he ran up and kicked him in the groin.  

so, guess what the school did.  Called MY son, this boy, the boy who got hit, and a friend of my sons and the bully got the opportunity to tell his side (he's picked on which is total bs) and my son said his side and got interrupted.  he felt like he was in trouble in an equal way to the bully.  AND, the principal restricted my son to a certain part of the playground which is actually NOT the playground where the equipment is that they hang on but the outer area (the field).  The other boy has to stay on the playground which is closer to the school.  

So, my son who was afraid to tell and I told him it was the right thing now feels like he got a consequence.  Great!  Blah.

I'm calling the school on Monday for a meeting as this is unacceptable.  This boy hurt three different kids physically that I know of this week.  My son has NEVER gotten in trouble, not even one time like this.  

Feeling unsupported by our school.  Ready to really give them a piece of my mind. The school says they have an intervention plan in place and are taking things seriously that I've told them and are bringing the boys parents in.  

Maybe they did this to  make sure my son is safe but I wasn't expecting it and they didn't tell me first.  Pretty lame plan in my opinion.

Sorry, this was new news to me tonight and I'm really frustrated right now.  :>)  thanks for asking and support!

[Londres70]

Hey SM...........how are things going with this bullying situation?

[NJgirl79]

I would take this straight to the Board Of Ed!
I had something very similar happen with my son. He's 5 and started kindergarten this past September. Everyday during outside playtime a boy would harrass my son for whatever he had brought with him for that day. For example.. my son has a MindCraft video game keychain that he would hook I nto his jacket zipper. That little boy was shoving and pushing my son and insisting that my son give up his keychain. That particular day, my son came home from school and I was snuggled up on the couch next me and he says "Mommy? Can you buy me another MindCraft keychain?" I said "Why would you want two of the same item Joshua? " He says with a sad pouty face "So the mean boy doeant keep mine.. I like mine."
I felt so horrified for my son. Hes a gentle soft calm loving little boy.He goes through his "own" toys once a year to give the toys and clothes he doesnt want/fit him anymore. He has such a kind soul. To hear that he was being mistreated made me feel so bad.

It seems majority of these incidents happen during recess! Even from other parents talking,  they say the same thing RECESS. All I could think was of what these teachers DO while these kids are fending for themselves out on the playground?! Gossiping?  Certainly NOT watching over our children that for sure!

I took this whole situation straight to the Board Of Education! My son hasnt beem bullied since.

[specialmom]

So, as follow up, I have contacted the school.  I am told they are coming up  with an intervention plan.  There was no questioning, disbelief or surprise at what I said going on---  just a commitment to swift action.  Hope they are successful.

I think for kids that are bullied, there is often so much shame attached.  Which makes me so sad for kids who are treated this way.  

All parents want to see the good in their children.  And all kids have good and bad qualities.  But I do think we owe it to our kids to accept when they have a pattern that indicates a true problem.  Many think advocating for their kids means to not agree to there being a problem.  I think being your child's advocate means getting them intervention and help when they need it.  

The mom of this boy is pretty nice.  Sadly powerless it appears.  And the dad writes it all off as 'boys will be boys".  So it finally takes an outsider to tell this kid that it's not okay.  

Anyway, I'm hoping the school involvement will help.  

thanks again for the support here.  I really appreciate it.  

[specialmom]

Thanks Londres.  Your kind words and support mean a lot.  

[Londres70]

I would encourage these friends who are witnessing the bullying to go and tell staff/teachers as soon as they see it.

[Londres70]

Well, that is another option..............his friends verbalizing the situation for him.  They really sound like his guardian angels and their mothers are wonderful for informing you.  Sounds like he already has people looking out for him and they aren't the teachers/staff unfortunately.

The karate class is an EXCELLENT idea.  Most people get the wrong idea about martial arts.  It's not about promoting violence, but about confidence building, physical conditioning and learning discipline.  I think it is worth a try.  It might give him the confidence and the tools to learn how to speak up for himself.  He does have obstacles, but I think this would be awesome for him and he can do this.

Indeed this boy is troubled.  It is difficult to say exactly what is wrong with him.  He could be a victim of abuse at home, sociopathic, psychopath.............the list is endless.  Maybe he is a combo of several diagnoses..........?  We definitely know he is trouble.

SM, I really feel for you.  I can pick up the sadness and frustration in your post and that you just wish this nightmare would end soon.  You have been supporting your son.  I would keep good documentation about this.  I would keep in close contact with these other mothers and just ask your son if he could verify that what they are telling you is correct.  That's probably the best you can do at this point.

You are doing your best and give yourself some credit dear.  You have not failed your child.  This bully's day is coming.

[specialmom]

yes, I agree.  He is supposed to tell an adult.  I think it is trickier than just telling him to do it.  He's been through some instruction on this.  I have concluded that I am going to tell his teachers and the counselor for a 'record' of what is going on.  Then when he tells, it isn't random (if I can get him to do it) or if there is an incident, they will know the back story.  

He has a developmental delay and this ties into things emotionally.  He doesn't like to draw any attention to himself.  It's been hard to overcome but will keep trying.  

I saw another of his friends moms today who approached me with what HER son says.  They are appalled.  This mom made a suggestion of my son and her son doing karate together.  She's not necessarily encouraging my son or her son getting into any physical altercation but was talking about the confidence factor and the rules of martial arts which is to  engage physically only if necessary.  So, we may do that.

The truth is, this boy IS on the school's radar.  My son has taken a lot this year but the kid has problems.  Sociopathic?  Honesty, very likely.  

so, I need to support my son.  I just wish it didn't come to that.  

[Londres70]

A major problem I see here is that your son isn't dialoguing about what is happening to him.  I would be concerned about him just "taking" it and not saying a word to you about it.  

"My friend suggested that I make a request for teachers to keep their eye on him at recess (stating "before someone gets hurt" for emphasis).".............Being that you just stated there are a limited amount of teachers for all these students I find this solution isn't really realistic/practical.  If the classes were small it would be.  I can image there are other students being bullied as well and it is just difficult for a teacher to see everything and keep an eye out for all these situations.  I am sure they do their best.  Dealing with hoards of screaming, running, energetic children isn't a piece of cake job.  I surely wouldn't want that job.  Not easy to spot everything with all that stimuli going on.

Which brings to me to this...................It is more practical for your child to speak up for himself and tell someone what exactly is happening vs. expecting the teachers keeping him in a bird's eye.  If he isn't dialoguing or telling then how can the problem be expected to be addressed?  If the bully knows he won't tell then I am 99.9% sure he will continue the bullying until he gets tired and finds another victim or until he is expelled from this school.

I am not sure how to get your son to start speaking up, but it is extremely important he does.

[specialmom]

I think he's gotten better but this is a kid who came to our school and would scream.  Literally sat in the hallway and start screaming every day until he was dragged to the office.  He's a smart aleck but very smart.  He's got that only kid thing going --  he's the king.  So, I don't think the teachers are enthralled with him.  I do know kids like you're speaking of though for sure!  

I think, sadly, our teachers are overwhelmed with kids.  Our school is big and once they get to a certain grade, the max number of students per teacher grows.  So, there are 30 kids in a class with 4 teachers.  Lot of kids at recess.  When they've spotted what he's done, he has been taken to the office that I know of.  They just don't see it.  Today he left my son alone---  because he'd gotten in trouble before recess and had to sit on the trouble wall for the duration of recess.  My son thought it was a GREAT recess.

My friend suggested that I make a request for teachers to keep their eye on him at recess (stating "before someone gets hurt" for emphasis).  I've instructed my son to stay by where the teachers 'hang'.  But I think recess is break time for them.  So they aren't paying attention.  They need to.  

[RockRose]

Hmm.  I don't know how teachers miss bullying behavior,  but they sure do.  I remember one 5th grade graduation ceremony,  they pick many students who are good citizens but name one over all really fabulous kid.  This one year,  a bully was honored.  I couldn't believe it.  The parents ALL knew,  why didn't the teachers?  How were the teachers so BLIND?  I don't know.

So anyway,  maybe some of the kids who are doing this to your son are buffalowing the teachers. Often times the bully is physically attractive,  and a very easy child to have in the classroom.  Knows and follows rules,  is attentive,  can be expected to remember scheduling details,  can be even counted on to help a sub with scheduling/other information.  So they are overlooked as bullies because they are so appreciated for their assets.  Teachers very often shut down the sneering,  unkempt,  disrespectful trouble making bullies because they're so easy to spot and no one likes them and wants to be around them,  especially the teachers.  

So. Is that kind of what you're dealing with here?  A bully who the teachers like?

[specialmom]

thanks---  I do always question if I've done a good job or not with my kids.  It pains me to see my son getting the brunt of another kid's mean spirited behavior.  

I'll write the details when I get a chance or some of them anyway.  This boy --  while still in elementary school--  has been suspended twice for hurting other kids.  His parents are aware but not that interested.  Their response is 'boys will be boys''.  He's a very indulged only child who seems to know no boundaries.  

I think my son with his developmental delay always struggles with feeling like he is like other kids.  He's like a beacon for kids that have a mean streak to make fun of.  We've been dealing with this particular kid since Fall.  Another mother called me yesterday to tell me what her son is reporting which is that this boy tries to get groups of kids every day together to do things to my son.  He'll be walking and they'll run up and push him down.  He'll be on a swing and a basketball will be thrown at his head.  I mean, ridiculous stuff that makes you wonder if teachers pay any attention at all.  But then my son won't tell on anyone and just takes it.  

anyway, it is weighing heavy on my mind.  I wonder if I could have done anything differently or if I can now.  And how this boy can be allowed to continue this type of behavior.  Are there actually parents that think it is okay?  

[goldenlove]

My son was bullied at that age, too, and it's heartbreaking to see! I am so sorry you and your son are going through this.

I don't think it's anything you as a parent has done. I think some kids are more sensitive and bullies pick up on that. I know my son was always a bit less socially mature than his peers, so I am sure that didn't help, either. Telling him that if he would stand up for himself didn't work, and I didn't want him to think I wasn't supportive. 6th and 7th grade were especially brutal, once he started high school (which starts here in 9th grade), the bullying had ended.

I am not sure if the parents of the bully are always aware of what's going on, I know with my son, his bully was suspended a couple of times, so his parents had to be aware, but his behavior didn't change. I honestly believe that boy is now in prison (my son is 26), or worse, dead.

[Vance2335]

As I have always heard and did experience once bullies are more bark than bite. When I was 10-12 years old (somewhere in that age range) a kid who was always a friend and is still a friend of mine decided he was going to bully me. No known reason, well after weeks of it like that we were playing football and I forget what he did and I said enough was enough. Ran up punched him in the face, knocked him down. He ended up calling his mother to pick him and and he left. That ended that and like I said we are friends today.

So for some bullies it is home life that caused them to be that way, they might be beaten or treated poorly so that is what they learn and think if they do it to someone else they will feel better about themselves. Some just do it to do it. I don't know why my friend did it, he had no reason, his home life was good, we got a long good. So for some like I said no real reason but a good beating sets them straight.

[Londres70]

Well, SM..............It seems a lot is blamed on the parents and I must say it isn't always the case that a parent is the root cause of a child being bullied or a child bullying.  Nowadays it isn't just a problem with children but also with adults unfortunately.  I sure hope you aren't blaming yourself for this.

Are you up to telling us the details?  Then maybe we can help you better.

If your child is being bullied at school you definitely needs to be dialoguing with the school administration about it.  Hopefully your child will be open to talking about the situation and give details about what exactly is happening.  Talking to the parents of the child bullying may help, but could backfire too.  Let your child know that you support him and that you will do your best to sort the situation out.  Therapy might be necessary if the situation becomes severe.

For the bully's parents.........they need to be seriously dialoguing with their child about the situation and possibly get the child into therapy if necessary pronto.

I feel bad for you..........really do.  As a mother you feel helpless when you can't make everything alright for your child.  

The solution or solutions to bullying isn't/aren't so easy to figure out...........it's pretty much an epidemic in my opinion.