My daughter and boyfriend can't stand each other. What can I do?

[SoapFan77]

Hey there. I have 2 daughters, one is 7 years old and the other 19 years old. I have been dating this great guy for almost 2 years. We moved into together about 6 months ago and for awhile everything was great. My younger daughter adores him and he's a great father figure to her. However my older adult daughter has become more and more defiant of not only him but my too. She's loud and obnoxious and constantly rolls her eyes and yells. She does have her good moments but they don't always out weigh the bad. She seems to like him when the mood suites but if he asks her to do something or gets annoyed she rolls her eyes and makes snide comments. It's gotten so bad that he temporarily moved out because he can't deal with her. At the same time she's still in school and doesn't have a job so it's not like she'll be leaving anytime soon. I'm just so frustrated. I don't want to have to chose one over the other because I love both but at the same time I'm an adult in a very serious relationship and I don't want to lose that because of an adult child with no respect. Any advice?

[Nighthawk61]

It seems to me that this can be a most extraordinary time for a young women with parent(s) and step parents rallying their combined strengths to get this young lady interested in what is her hearts desire, in college.

I would step back, have an "adult" conversation with your beau, let him know that you feel you both dropped the ball when it came to your daughter. That you could have , in hindsight, planned on his role being one that is just a supporting role, (not authoritative). Authority could have been your "role" to play, But i think it's important to realize that your daughter may feel very scared right now not moving in a positive way towards something. She knows she's of age for you to expect/ask her to leave. And if that is what is in the air, instead of a progressive productive concerted effort on all "adults" in her life to start to bring her focus into her post secondary education direction.

This time can be wrought with confusion, and fear, or empowerment. It all depends on what the adults are projecting. imo

If it were me, i'd talk to the hubby. Let him know not to be overly critical of his not being offered the role of authoritarian. Get him over that. To the point that he is able to really extend an olive branch. Say he's sorry for not approaching the subject more tentatively. He's human. Human's make mistakes. This IS a learning, and teaching moment.

Maybe he can teach her how to build a shed, or replace roof tiles. and you can get her involved in mowing the lawn. Teaching her how to run a house. She's at the age where she should be excited, and eager to learn new life skills. You give her more responsibility, before she's off to school. My son was very independent. It might of had something to do with his new step dad that he chose to go to university and stay on campus. He was only half hour away, so we were able to visit often. She needs to reach out on her own, but unless you put in the effort, she may feel that you are washing your hands of her because legally, you can.

Very sensitive time in a child's life. Please take a step back, and learn to be as gentle as you can, so that you can all positively proceed in life.

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie,  but it's also kind of hard to tell what's going on here.

I do have a dear friend who has a daughter (now 25) that no one in the family can stand being around because she ruins every family get together with her eye-rolling and snide remarks.  So as a result,  they don't tell her when they're all getting together,  and they have peaceful wonderful family gatherings.  The mom is sad,  but enough putting up with this young woman who is like sand paper all the time and always has been.

Does that describe your daughter?  Or is this more recent,  and more focused on your boyfriend because they have a difficult relationship?

Sounds to me like you need to sit down with her,  and warn her in advance that you're going to talk to her about improving the vibe at home,  and then do it.  Ask her what can be done to make the environment happier,  and what you can do,  and what she can do.  And don't contradict her or argue.  Just listen.  

Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, you've never shown him an ounce of disrespect because you are an adult.  Not only an adult, but a seasoned veteran at not showing disrespect, something that perhaps you weren't as good at when you were 19 as you are today?  (I am speaking from experience.  I was not the world's most even-tempered 19-year-old.  Sweet when happy, bitchy when upset.  Hormones do that, and just the fact that at 19, we are not grown up.)  You can call her an adult, and possibly you say she is when you are making the argument that she should be behaving more maturely, but you only have to look at her behavior to see she is not fully adult yet, or at least, not an adult the way you are an adult.  It's unfair to expect it.  Judge her by 19-year-old teenager standards and she seems actually rather normal.

Anyway, there are some good books like "How to Talk So Your Teenager Will Listen and Listen So Your Teenager Will Talk," and there is the by-far better idea, talking to a counselor.  Don't kick her out, she is still a kid in many ways and would be vulnerable.  You are still her mother and protector, after all.

Dr. Laura would say, yes, you do have to put your life on hold (she wouldn't even have a person date when they have kids at home).  I'm not endorsing this idea, which seems extreme, but I can see why she says it.  Whenever an adult wants a boyfriend or girlfriend and comes up against their own child's implicit wishes in the matter, the adult always says they don't see why them having a life should be held hostage by their child.  But when we have kids, we do allow our life to be held hostage by our child's needs, as long as we are taking care of the child.  That's the deal our parents made for us, that's the deal we make for our kids, and that's the deal they will make for their kids.  My therapist once jokingly called it "twenty years of involuntary servitude," and she wasn't even talking about wanting to date, but just about having to take care of the little darlings.  I'm not saying it's him or your daughter and I'm sure not saying you should break up, but I am saying that although you feel like your daughter is getting too much power over you, she's not interested in having power over you.  She is just doing the thing a kid does, expecting life to be safe and comforting and the same, and reacting to change badly.

I do suggest you and your bf review, with books or a family counselor, what works and doesn't in the stepparent-stepchild relationship so he can reconsider his approach, and then I would suggest you go to counseling alone to talk about all of this so you can get over feeling resentful at "having to put your life on hold" and maybe work out some ways you don't actually have to do that, and then that you and your daughter go to counseling together to talk about what you would like to see in the relationship right now when she is a crabby 19.  I promise she will ultimately grow out of it, but for now you could use some backup.

Take care,

Annie

[SoapFan77]

Thanks so much for your advice. She does have her own father but he has been less then stellar and she knows that and barely sees him. She pretty much has that "my way or the highway" attitude with both of us, her sister and her own boyfriend. That's what really gets to him. He says she acts like she owns this house even though he and I pay for everything. I don't know, I don't want to kick her out because she'd have nowhere to go however as an almost 40 year old woman I feel like I have to put my life on hold for an adult who acts like a child while her boyfriend still feels comfortable to come and go and I've never shown him an ounce of disrespect. Just so frustrating.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think your daughter is demonstrating to you that a not-quite step-parent has only one kind of power in a child's life, and that is not authoritative power or position power, it is what's called "reverent power."  Kids who love their stepparents will do what the stepparent asks because they care about the person.  But kids who are put by circumstance in with a boyfriend of their mother, specially those who remember life before him, will not respond if he relies on his position or his supposed "authority" to ask them to do something.  They certainly will not be impressed if he yells at them -- even if he married you, he would not have the right to yell at her, he's not her father.  Frankly, at 19 she also might eye-roll her real father, it's the time for breaking away from the old family unit and beginning to strike out on one's own, emotionally, and kids do eye roll or make snide comments at 19 to whomever bothers them, and believe me this includes parents.  lol

I think your boyfriend showed some integrity in moving out, he should not have to "deal with her."  But if you two intend to be together for the long haul, it would probably help him if he were to talk to a counselor about how one best addresses stepchildren.  There really is a path to take, and it has nothing to do with behaving like an authoratative parent, more like a friendly and sympathetic uncle.  My stepdad did this beautifully when he married a woman with five adult daughters.  He has never once suggested to us that anything we do is anything less than great and impressive.  I'm sure he might have had contrary opinions, but he kept them to himself, and was our biggest rah-rah squad.  This worked so well that my son has my stepdad's name as his middle name.  I like having a rah-rah squad who thinks I can do no wrong and is sympathetic when I have something bad happen.  :)

Anyway, good luck, I think it might all come down to how much the two of you can work out the question of you being the authority figure in your children's lives and him being Stepdad Charming.