Feeling depressed

[Jaquta]

Hi.  Just thought I'd start another new post, else it takes ages to come through.
I feel pretty confident that I am depressed again.  May talk to my GP about it tomorrow.

[Jaquta]

I'll read and reply to this later.  I have been on the computer way too long already.

[inneedofhelp82]

I agree posting on here really helps and the fact that you seem to understand so much what i go through helps even more, its good to feel that i am not the only person who see's things the way i do.
The suicide side of things is hard to deal with i can go from being ok to suicidal quite quickly which is confusing its like my mood changes really quickly and i need to escape there and then, then i call my therapist or social worker for help, well i do now, twice in the past i didn't and alot of people got hurt when they realised how bad i really felt, i don't want to hurt them again if i go i need to be sure i'm not coming back, i know it sounds so selfish but at times i feel so bad i need a way out.
I think its unfair that you feel you have to hurt yourself to get them to listen its a shame people won't listen without it going that far. Would they be able to offer you respite, it would be for you to get some help, even in that way, i agree hospital is not much use, when i was in i was so bored it made me even more suicidal and i felt trapped like you and i felt like they had taken all control from me and because i take panic attacks that made it worse, some of the nurses were really nice and offered to make me a hot drink to help me sleep, the other nurse i have met several times since in town and she stops and talks. she was really nice but it was so boring and i was on the high risk ward and was watched all the time even when my partner came to see me they sat in the room with us, i was allowed to be alone with my social worker and therapist though, they took my ipod, my belt, my cd's everything and i wasn't allowed to bath only shower with someone there and i hated the fact that the toilet doors barely closed never mind locking.
I made friends with a woman who was scizhophrenic( not sure how to spell it) we got on really well and i met a few people who were bipolar as well and some were really depressed they didn't even know where they were. The boredom was the worst.
You are lucky you get on with your brother, mine's don't speak to me because they hate my partner, doesn't make sense. My daughter doesn't mind taking them around she gets to spend some time there as well.
I am quite a social person, my social worker was telling me that today as well she is trying to build my confidence and self esteem, she will have a hard time, i don't think very much of myself. I told her alot of personal stuff about the way i was as a teenager and that i didn't have many morals then, she said thats to do with the stuff that happened when i was younger, believe me i was to social then, thats why i don't think too much of myself now.
I get what you mean about the eating bit i try to eat the anxiety away and then i feel worse.
You exercise and can run so thats good, and you recognise that you eat too much so thats a start.
It would be great if you could recieve some help when you need it the most.
I know i seem quite social but i don't have any friends just people i say hello to but thats as far as it goes, i'm just not comfortable with people.
The website helped you understand then, i know what sets me of but sometimes i welcome that then i have an excuse if i do try something, like the intensive therapy i know it will send me over the edge but i am also aware that they are trying to help and i would feel like i wasted their time if i killed myself in the middle of the therapy i can't imagine they would be too happy with me either.
My therapist is planning on seeing me everyday for a week, for a few hours then they leave me alone to process the stuff or in my case panic and want to run away so the staff will watch me, then later that day my social worker will come and see me for a while, i was hoping to come home at some point but they my therapist doesn't want me too, i am really anxious about it already and i am anxious about the doctor as well and what he will advise them to do, if they say hospital for it i will be so afraid then i will run.
Can i ask what thoughts make you feel suicidal? What helps to get rid of them if anything helps?
I think you should ask for respite if you think it would help.
I will probably mention my doctor's appointment before then anyway, i know you care, you keep talking and that really helps.
I hope you have a good day and feel a bit better if you can.

[munevz]

I can understand, I quit treatment because I simply have had enuf.

[Jaquta]

I'm not coping.  I'm a mess.  I post because it is a good distraction and it takes me out of myself for a while.  You must find that too.  I find talking to others can be quite soothing although I often feel guilty that I don't use that time to work on my own issues.  I guess the truth is that I can't deal with my own issues at this time.  I do to a degree but not that intensively.  I mean I can't deal with the negative emotions that confronting issues evokes.  I don't really understand how making more stress in an already crisis situation can help.

My thinking can be pretty black and white plus I don't have the social skills you seem too.  I get a little envious sometimes when you talk about relationships.  Not that I envy your relationship with your partner as it stands.  I like the thought of the happy ever after.  The perfect husband, children, friends, work and life balance.  I get that that is a bit idealistic and in reality relationships require work and commitment.

I think some are of the opinion that help or hospital can set a precedent and in turn can leave us feeling more needy and dependent on others to support us.
I think inaction can sometimes trigger stuff for us too.  It is a very fine line.  Very fine.

Probably not.  If I get worse I'll hurt myself and that will generate support from them and anger from me.
I often feel that I get so backed into a corner and nobody will help that I have to act to a) get some control over the situation and b) maintain some sense of integrity in the sense that yes things are that bad and people needed to have listened and intervened.
It gets a bit confusing.  There are many, many different thoughts and emotions.  Usually I just feel so bad, desperate and overwhelmed I don't see other options and are way less tolerant.  At the moment I am binge eating to negate the negative emotions.  There comes a point though when I feel so fat and disgusted and filled with self-loathing.  I don't seem able to break that cycle because I am so stressed and I can't tolerate being that over-weight.  I feel more pressured during family visits or social events.  That feels like a lot of pressure for me.

My family is a bit mixed and often gives out mixed messages.  My parents are the worst.  The brother whom I am closest too seems the most normal out of all of us.
My sister once sent us a (Bart) Simpson poster saying, "Remember, as far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family!"
On the outside we appear OK.  Since I've been sick though people have noticed the cracks more and more.

It's not fair to put that pressure on your daughter.  This is between you and your mother, not them.  What you're doing isn't ideal but it is better than alienating everyone.

Why doesn't she just shut up and admit you.  I would do that.  I would have done it for me too but my situation is slightly different.  If there were support at the hospital I would go -probably in a heart beat.  It's pointless though for me and that is what contributes to me feeling trapped and powerless.

You're right but that's not what you want, you're asking for help.  Screaming for help actually.

Suicide and homicide are usually about anger.

You sound confused.  Probably more because things aren't as you expected or planned.  And because things happened.  They were a shock.  It's possibly left you challenging everything you know about yourself.  I think the assault and the invalidation or re-victimization by the police has really shaken you.  I think this is what has reminded you of your family though.  Your family thing will be an important theme to work through.
For me family and traumatic events seem quite distant.  Maybe because I'm not in therapy and constantly looking at them but maybe because they don't seem all that important anymore.  ??

It's probably more of an option for me as I have no responsibilities, no kids, etc but you're right it isn't an option.  I have the potential to live a happy life.  I want that for me.  I want a life without the chronic stress, etc.  I want to live that and feel that.

Recovery will take a lot longer if you aren't honest.  It sounds as though they are trying to allow you to retain some control.  Use that control positively though.
For me that would mean asking for help when I really need it instead of hurting or killing myself.
For you that could be admitting that you have a problem and accept the help on offer.

Looking forward to hearing what the doctor advises you.

I was thinking about asking my GP for respite.  Not sure if that would be very helpful though.  Part of me would do it too just to use funding that isn't being spent on my care.  Although they are funding that review.  That is very sadistic of me.  I guess that is also pretty passive-aggressive.

Will you remind me about your doctor's appointment.  My memory, etc is bad at the moment and I am likely forget.  Not because I don't care though.

I hope you have a good day too.

[inneedofhelp82]

I read your other post and all i can say is how do you cope? You listen to me moaning away all the time and feel terrible yourself, i think alot like you but maybe not as extreme, i get periods of feeling really bad and suicidal and no one seems to listen, its really frustrating are people really that afraid to take a stand and help.
Will he eventually put you in hospital if you get worse?
I guess you have issues with family too.
I have decided that my daughter will take my three youngest to see my mother then i don't have to speak to her and i also don't feel guilty about my children missing out, i will see how it works out.
I tried for three days to get my social worker and i got her today and we are back to the pointless promising of not hurting myself for the next ten days until the intensive therapy starts i told her no i can't, i told her i am so fed up and frustrated and think about when i can escape and how, even in the bath i was having thoughts, its driving me mad. She said she can admit me to hospital if i continue to feel like this and she will admit me against my will if she thinks i am not listening to her or if she thinks i am not safe at home, whats the point? Was she trying to warn me or something, she said if she feels i am not safe she will admit me no matter what i say, why now? I told her they can't stop me if i really want to go i will.
I am meeting with her tomorrow she asked whats behind the suicidal feelings? I don't know everything, anger, frustration, anxiety, panic, fear and the way the police treated me and my parents and the fact that i'm not me anymore i don't know who i am anymore.
I can see why you are so frustrated too waiting on a review is bound to be so hard.
But like you say to me suicide is not an option for you, i hope you get some relief soon. You say you feel better in the morning, i feel worse in the morning and then it just continues on from there. I am so anxious tonight i think its because i know the therapy will start soon but then there is the doctor to meet with first, what if he admits me i need to not be too honest with him.
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

It doesn't prove that.  To me it sounds as though you are both hurting and are as obstinate as each other.

My parents had some stuff put on it and I think you have to do it that in order to keep the guarantee valid.  Not sure.  It's a pin in the butt to be honest.  Mum had a shower under the hose outside this morning and then knocked on the door waiting to be let in as she had locked herself out.  What's the point in having a shower at all if you're not going to use it?

I answered your question on the mh expert forum but wanted to give some latitude for the doctor to provide his own comments.  He sometimes just concurs with what other members have to say.

The emotional eating forum stuff was a bit intense.  I've been feeling pretty bad at times.