I need help. I can't take this anymore. Nothing is working. I feel like my life is falling apart.
These feelings are killing me. I dont know what to do. I have no one to talk to. The people i try to talk to think I'm crazy. My parents don't listen. My dad yelled at me for not knowing why I was crying one day. My sisters never home to talk to, and even if she was she'd just go to my parents who are no help. My sister wrote notes about feeling this way, just a little less worse. My parents asked if i felt that way. I said No. My dad told me to come to him if I did. But I can't, I'm too scared too.
I talked to my mom a little. I told her i was scared. I am. That's another thing I can't put up with. I'm terrified of my own house. I don't feel safe. I feel like something is watching me. Like something in here is out to get me. I tried praying, because the fear is the worst, but it doesn't go away. That's why i went to my mom. I told her my fear of bathrooms. Mirrors. The darkness. Being alone. The back room in my house scares me the most. It's by the garage, it's an add on room. That's where I am the most uncomfortable. In there, is terrible. I feel like when i walk in there one day, I wont come out. It doesn't feel like a person watching me, but a thing. I'm not sure what though. When I told my mother about my fear it was at 1 am. At around 12:30 Am I was sitting in my bed, starving, but too scared to leave my room with no one in the living room awake to accompany me. So i sat there hungry. I had some candy in my room i tried to fill myself up with. Then i heard footsteps towards the kitchen, so I got up and went out there to get food, my mom was in the kitchen. And i told her my fears. And why i wouldn't come out alone. It started back in my old house. I was very uncertain there. I always felt and herd things around me that no one else did. In mirrors i saw figures. In the dark I saw things in my room circling it, and watching me. In the bathroom the curtain to the shower was always moving and it sounded as if something was inside the curtain scraching. In the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. I heard someone doing dishes, and i went out to look and no one was there, but the dishwasher was open and so was the cupboard. I didn't think anything of it, and went back to bed.
The depression feelings started back in Seventh grade. I feel guilty for no real reason; I feel like I'm no good; I've lost my confidence. Life seems meaningless or like nothing good is ever going to happen again. I have a negative attitude a lot of the time, or it seems like I have no feelings. I don't feel like doing a lot of the things I used to like-- like music, being with friends, going out-- and I want to be left alone most of the time. It's hard to make up my mind. I forget lots of things, and it's hard to concentrate. get irritated often. Little things make me lose my temper; I overreact.My sleep pattern changes; I start sleeping a lot more or I'll have trouble falling asleep at night. Or I wake up really early most mornings and can't get back to sleep. My eating habits have changed; I loose my appetite or I'll eat a lot more. I feel restless and tired most of the time. I think about death, or feel like I'm dying, or have thoughts about committing suicide. I'm very cranky to people. I don't know what to do. I've self diagnosed myself with depression. At first I could deal with it. Now it's gotten so much worse and I feel as if I have no where left to turn. I'm seeking help, but can't find any. I feel pathetic.
I can't believe I just wrote an essay complaining about life....