Helping a Friend During a Painful Process (open)

[Soror]

Hello ladies, (and what few gentlemen spend time here.)

I have a friend who will be going in for an abortion later on this week.  Although I have miscarried in the past, I have never had a clinical abortion, and want to make her as comfortable as possible.  She's not the sort of girl who asks to have her hand held very often, so I know this bothers her, and I want to support her as best I can.

So I address those of you who have had a clinical abortion:  What do you think would make this young woman comfortable in the hours and days after the proceedure?  I have until Thursday afternoon to get this decided on, but she'll be staying with my husband and I for a few days while she recovers.  (She is a young adult who is in college and lives with her parents, and doesn't feel that it is any of their business.)

Let me know.

[mslkpage]

What you have to understand is that this is a patient to patient forum. Although some of us have worked in the counseling field, we are only here to offer our persoanl opinions. What happens then is you get many opinions based on everyone's beliefs and experiences.

The best advice I can offer you is think about who supported you during your m/c. Think about what they did or said that was helpful, and then do the same for your friend.

[mslkpage]

Oh, your post just remembered this will be a medical abortion, and not surgical...duh! To the OP, I've had methotrexate, which caused no complications, but I'm not familiar with the pills your friend will be taking.

[Soror]

Everyone that has posted, including the people I have disagreed with, have been very helpful.  I want to jump in and add that I appreciate the opinions I've been getting, despite some of them not being useful to this specific circumstance.  Although, I am definately realizing that as pro-choice, I am somewhat a minority here.  I'll keep that in mind if I choose to linger.

[oceans3]

i am (and have been) trying VERY hard NOT to respond to your posts. each time you post to others or open one yourself, you seem to want to stir up controversy. perhaps other people have not caught on to that but i have.
from your first post about despising children to you being married to a man (but actively bisexual) and to the latest... abortion. honestly, i could give a rats ass about you not wanting children. whatever sad experiences throughout your 25 years drove you to that decision is okay by me. i have one girl and honestly, i dont *think* i want anymore. i could care less about your lifestyle and your "situation"... doesnt effect me or my family and i have gay friends..so what. its your decision with your husband and the type of marriage you want.
you have openly stated your beliefs on medhelp (which you should allow room for others to do as well) and now i cannot help but wonder if you are placing those beliefs about children upon this young friend of yours. of course someone who feels incredibly adament about NOT ever wanting children cannot help BUT to spill those beliefs over to this girl. if you were a friend you would provide her with ALL of the options, let her know exactly what her baby is like right now at 7 weeks and what the proceedure (whether clinical or medicinal) entails. shouldnt she be going to counceling for all of this information at the clinic/dr. anyway?
you often come across so abrasive, so angry? you say you are not but you also come across as one who "knows all" so why do you feel the need to ask about experiences? you seem to have all of the answers yourself and with such conviction. it's because you know you will cause contoversy. you chose a site/forum that the majority of woman are TTC and against abortion. i am not saying either way my feelings towards abortion because it doesnt matter and i know everyone's situation is different. what concerns me is your motive for being here? if you were already prepared for backlash, then why did you snap back? you knew it was coming...it was only a matter of time.
if you want to help your friend, then fill her in on ALL options and what exactly goes on. she will resent you down the road if you do not and she will feel you left her in the dark. although 6 yrs difference is not that much between you two it's not as if she is 14. she is indeed an adult who is capable of researching, asking questions all on her own. if you are SO against being a mother, then why do you feel the need to be one to her? you said that yourself.
if the end result was your friend has 100% confidently made the decision to abort the baby then what else can you do but to be there for her emotionally? be there for her if she regrets her decision (which she may express that too). dont expect her to feel the way you feel about babies/children.
the DR. will let her know what to expect physically/emotionally. they aren't just going to do the abortion and not say a word as she walks out the front door. i am sure after the proceedure there will be counseling and the dr. will send her on her way with papers on what to expect afterwards. then, your job is to be there for her emotionally either way she feels.
just know in advance you can cause an uproar about this topic as we all know from the past with others. why dont you search the archives here on MH? call a local clinic? something like that if you dont want people to talk about what abortion really is? you will get it from all angles here so you need to be open to that too. i am not sure you will find too many woman here who went through it? you will find more who WANT a baby more than their own life.
i hope your friend finds the comfort she needs.

[HIS GIFT TO US]

I've read thru the posts & I remember being close to 16yrs old in school & one of my good friends decided to have an abortion, I never tried to talk her out of it, I never said this is a good decision for u, but I never ever tried to get her to change her mind. I've never had an abortion, but til this day everytime I hear the word I think of her & me not trying to make her see there more options, even though I was so young myself. The reason I wrote all this was b/c I hope u have thought of how this will also affect your life from now on. I know we can't make someone do what we want but I would give anything to go back & at least try w/ my friend. So before u go thru this w/ her make sure you've said or done all u can. This doesn't go away over night. Maybe she'll change her mind, a baby won't ruin her life at all, it changes things, but often times the choices we make thinking we r fixing things makes a larger mess than we could ever imagine. Does she know detail for detail how an abortion works? This is such a haunting thing.
This is so sad, look at it like your friend already has a child thats here on earth & she's decided the child has become too much of a hassle so she's going to end his/his life so she can have a good education, more money or whatever u imagine. It's very selfish & I'm sure u wouldn't help her in ending that childs life would u? Of course not so really think this out & maybe u can shed some light in on her. It's so sad here I am counting down the days of my babys arrival & moms r out there counting there babys death day down!!! Hope she changes her mind & keeps her precious baby. She'll find a better reason for living, it won't ruin her life by becoming a mom.

[shygirl1981]

I dont think having a baby in her freshman year will ruin her life. I think that any woman is strong enough to handle a lot more than we think. I know women who have put themselves through school, as single mothers. I know a woman who traveled the world with her four year old son strapped to her back. I'm sure there are many many women who have accomplished the impossible, and been single moms too. It is possible.