Aa
Helping a Friend During a Painful Process (open)
Hello ladies, (and what few gentlemen spend time here.)
I have a friend who will be going in for an abortion later on this week. Although I have miscarried in the past, I have never had a clinical abortion, and want to make her as comfortable as possible. She's not the sort of girl who asks to have her hand held very often, so I know this bothers her, and I want to support her as best I can.
So I address those of you who have had a clinical abortion: What do you think would make this young woman comfortable in the hours and days after the proceedure? I have until Thursday afternoon to get this decided on, but she'll be staying with my husband and I for a few days while she recovers. (She is a young adult who is in college and lives with her parents, and doesn't feel that it is any of their business.)
Let me know.
I have a friend who will be going in for an abortion later on this week. Although I have miscarried in the past, I have never had a clinical abortion, and want to make her as comfortable as possible. She's not the sort of girl who asks to have her hand held very often, so I know this bothers her, and I want to support her as best I can.
So I address those of you who have had a clinical abortion: What do you think would make this young woman comfortable in the hours and days after the proceedure? I have until Thursday afternoon to get this decided on, but she'll be staying with my husband and I for a few days while she recovers. (She is a young adult who is in college and lives with her parents, and doesn't feel that it is any of their business.)
Let me know.
You're right...I didn't...and let me tell you why.
The responses I am disregarding are the ones that beg me to *question* her choice, not the ones that make suggestions on how to proceed. I recognize that you have experience to offer here, and I have taken that to heart, but what I dislike about the responses I am getting from you is the insistance that her family be involved in something that she had made clear is not their affair.
I am not deciding anything for her, merely being the platform by which she can get these decisions made and follow through. As she is a good friend of mine, someone I've known for years, I would not let her sit within my hospitality and make a foolish choice, and as it is shown already I have a tendancy of mothering her. I have not made suggestions about how to proceed, I've just given her a supportive ear when she's needed it, which is what I feel in this situation is required.
There are some things that I see and have trouble watching take place...one of my younger half-sisters was pregnant in high school, and my father refused to allow her to have an abortion. She was forced -FORCED- to carry the child, give birth to the child, and ultimately she was unable to continue her education and ended up marrying the father, who because he had to support her and the child, was unable to finish anything more than trade school...they will be paupers for the rest of their lives...and she calls me to cry about it a few times every year. Her child will grow up in that home, most likely loved and at the same time viewed as an immense burden, looked upon like an object of regret.
On another day, to another person I'd say something callous like, 'You had the sex, you bear the responsibility for the child,' but having watched her for a few years, seen her living in poor conditions, seen her life deteriorate and her eyes grow duller and more troubled each passing year, I find myself reconsidering what I'd say, if anything. Sometimes life isn't simple, sometimes you don't have the convenience of saying a single thing to EVERY situation - which is how I feel in relation to Michelle, the young woman I've been discussing.
I don't want those things for her. I was fortunate enough to miscarry the pregnancies that occurred during my stint in college, I have not had to go through this entire ordeal beyond the pain of miscarrying itself...and as a declaritive statement: Had they not miscarried, I'd have aborted them...and to this day, I don't feel any 'what if' or any guilt over it...nor would I. There is the occasional wonder about what my life would be like had I followed my half-sister's road, but I need not look far for the answer...so no, no guilt. You can call me a liar, but I'd tell you the same to your face if you asked.
So let me tell you what I want to hear: Advice from women who have gone through the proceedure and how they physically reacted to it, and what they needed in way of support during and after the abortion. I've seen three good examples of that, but I am still looking for further experiences to better round out what I could be doing for her. From what I understand, it's not much different than a miscarriage, but I don't feel that my own experience is enough to support her properly.
In short: I am fretting over her. So, I don't mean to seem like a lion, but I really am asking for some advice here, not just bear baiting.
The responses I am disregarding are the ones that beg me to *question* her choice, not the ones that make suggestions on how to proceed. I recognize that you have experience to offer here, and I have taken that to heart, but what I dislike about the responses I am getting from you is the insistance that her family be involved in something that she had made clear is not their affair.
I am not deciding anything for her, merely being the platform by which she can get these decisions made and follow through. As she is a good friend of mine, someone I've known for years, I would not let her sit within my hospitality and make a foolish choice, and as it is shown already I have a tendancy of mothering her. I have not made suggestions about how to proceed, I've just given her a supportive ear when she's needed it, which is what I feel in this situation is required.
There are some things that I see and have trouble watching take place...one of my younger half-sisters was pregnant in high school, and my father refused to allow her to have an abortion. She was forced -FORCED- to carry the child, give birth to the child, and ultimately she was unable to continue her education and ended up marrying the father, who because he had to support her and the child, was unable to finish anything more than trade school...they will be paupers for the rest of their lives...and she calls me to cry about it a few times every year. Her child will grow up in that home, most likely loved and at the same time viewed as an immense burden, looked upon like an object of regret.
On another day, to another person I'd say something callous like, 'You had the sex, you bear the responsibility for the child,' but having watched her for a few years, seen her living in poor conditions, seen her life deteriorate and her eyes grow duller and more troubled each passing year, I find myself reconsidering what I'd say, if anything. Sometimes life isn't simple, sometimes you don't have the convenience of saying a single thing to EVERY situation - which is how I feel in relation to Michelle, the young woman I've been discussing.
I don't want those things for her. I was fortunate enough to miscarry the pregnancies that occurred during my stint in college, I have not had to go through this entire ordeal beyond the pain of miscarrying itself...and as a declaritive statement: Had they not miscarried, I'd have aborted them...and to this day, I don't feel any 'what if' or any guilt over it...nor would I. There is the occasional wonder about what my life would be like had I followed my half-sister's road, but I need not look far for the answer...so no, no guilt. You can call me a liar, but I'd tell you the same to your face if you asked.
So let me tell you what I want to hear: Advice from women who have gone through the proceedure and how they physically reacted to it, and what they needed in way of support during and after the abortion. I've seen three good examples of that, but I am still looking for further experiences to better round out what I could be doing for her. From what I understand, it's not much different than a miscarriage, but I don't feel that my own experience is enough to support her properly.
In short: I am fretting over her. So, I don't mean to seem like a lion, but I really am asking for some advice here, not just bear baiting.
I appreciate your experience on the matter. Thank you for explaining it, and I hope that the condemnation you see in this thread, for better or worse, does not trouble you for the effort of helping me advise and support this friend of mine.
I have been through it.
You just didn't like my response!
Unfortunately, with abortion, whether clinical or medicinal, its not the 2-3 days after that you must think about. It's the long-term, forever impact on her life.
And, you need to re-read what I said. I supported you. It was the other person in the conversation that irritated me. I couldn't care less how she (your friend) got pregnant. It doesn't matter to me if she had sex once or one million times unprotected.
Don't ask for opinions from people "who've been there" but disregard responses that don't fit what you want to hear.
Will she bleed? Yes
Will she be terrified? Yes
Will she cramp? Yes
Will she wonder if what she's done is the right thing? Yes
Will she physically recover? Yes
Will she go on and finish college/have a career/have a family one day? Probably.
Will she ever forget? No
If any woman who's had an abortion says it doesn't ever nag in the back of their minds, they're lying. I've talked to 100's. I've worked in a non-religious abortion counseling center for 10 years. Women from every walk of life, and from every circumstance.
I'm not judging you. I'm just suggesting, from experience, that you should carefully weigh your decisions regarding this "girl".
You just didn't like my response!
Unfortunately, with abortion, whether clinical or medicinal, its not the 2-3 days after that you must think about. It's the long-term, forever impact on her life.
And, you need to re-read what I said. I supported you. It was the other person in the conversation that irritated me. I couldn't care less how she (your friend) got pregnant. It doesn't matter to me if she had sex once or one million times unprotected.
Don't ask for opinions from people "who've been there" but disregard responses that don't fit what you want to hear.
Will she bleed? Yes
Will she be terrified? Yes
Will she cramp? Yes
Will she wonder if what she's done is the right thing? Yes
Will she physically recover? Yes
Will she go on and finish college/have a career/have a family one day? Probably.
Will she ever forget? No
If any woman who's had an abortion says it doesn't ever nag in the back of their minds, they're lying. I've talked to 100's. I've worked in a non-religious abortion counseling center for 10 years. Women from every walk of life, and from every circumstance.
I'm not judging you. I'm just suggesting, from experience, that you should carefully weigh your decisions regarding this "girl".
Don't read too deeply into my use of descriptives, mom...yes I referred to her as a 'girl', this is because she is younger than I am by about seven years...she is nineteen years old, in college, and living at home. Legally, that makes her an adult capable of her own choices.
Furthermore, and I realize you were not addressing me or discussing the girl when you went on the rant about condom use, no one knows the circumstances by which she became pregnant in the first place. If it had been so trivial as 'Oh, I had sex without a condom' I'd have told her to rot, but you know what? That's not the case...but I am not going to explain her situation in detail in a thread wherein I am asking for how to give her advice.
So don't assume.
I don't like abortion, but I also accept that it can and is necessary if pregnancy is poorly timed. I am pro-choice, and although abortion is not something that should be done trivially by any means, it is a hard reality of this world that timing IS important for someone's future well-being.
Yes, having a child her freshman year in college WILL ruin her life...it WILL give her cause to quit school, and the absence of the father WILL cause her complications in trying to find care for the child or even provide basic necessities. So Yes, I support her choice for abortion...I also support her choice for having an IUD inserted as soon as it is possible to do so to protect herself against it happening again.
But no, I'm not going to 'urge her to tell her parents'. She's an adult, it is her choice whether or not to do so...and in her situation, I wouldn't tell mine either...not because it was some sort of dirty secret...but because it is none of their business. So I will not make myself a hypocrite and give her advice that I myself would never, ever follow. Those reasons for supporting her are related back to the family she has and how they believe.
As for potential medical emergencies, those angles have been covered...I knew when I posted this thread that there would be some heated replies - I was prepared for it, but I am still working to get experiences from women who have ben through it, none-the-less, so that I can offer her some measure of comfort where she DOES NOT find it in her own mother.
Furthermore, and I realize you were not addressing me or discussing the girl when you went on the rant about condom use, no one knows the circumstances by which she became pregnant in the first place. If it had been so trivial as 'Oh, I had sex without a condom' I'd have told her to rot, but you know what? That's not the case...but I am not going to explain her situation in detail in a thread wherein I am asking for how to give her advice.
So don't assume.
I don't like abortion, but I also accept that it can and is necessary if pregnancy is poorly timed. I am pro-choice, and although abortion is not something that should be done trivially by any means, it is a hard reality of this world that timing IS important for someone's future well-being.
Yes, having a child her freshman year in college WILL ruin her life...it WILL give her cause to quit school, and the absence of the father WILL cause her complications in trying to find care for the child or even provide basic necessities. So Yes, I support her choice for abortion...I also support her choice for having an IUD inserted as soon as it is possible to do so to protect herself against it happening again.
But no, I'm not going to 'urge her to tell her parents'. She's an adult, it is her choice whether or not to do so...and in her situation, I wouldn't tell mine either...not because it was some sort of dirty secret...but because it is none of their business. So I will not make myself a hypocrite and give her advice that I myself would never, ever follow. Those reasons for supporting her are related back to the family she has and how they believe.
As for potential medical emergencies, those angles have been covered...I knew when I posted this thread that there would be some heated replies - I was prepared for it, but I am still working to get experiences from women who have ben through it, none-the-less, so that I can offer her some measure of comfort where she DOES NOT find it in her own mother.
i agree with the last comment, why does she fell that she needs to get an abortion. where is the father in all this and what does he fell about her getting an abortion. I too don't understand how people can take an abortion lightly and act like it's nothing, Ex. when uses it as a birth control. I don't what to sound mean or anything but i think people need to think how they'll feel in the long run(5 years down the road)!
Sadly, it is an ethical decision. You may not choose to view it as one, but many people do. Neither is right, neither is wrong.
Jgonzales was speaking the opinion of many on this site--and she has the right, as you do, to post her opinion. She needn't be told to keep her thoughts to herself.
I think you knew when you opened this thread that it could be a heated one. You've been around here long enough to know how some of the women feel.
I am admittedly against abortion, and I've had one!! I have no shame in saying so---I've wished 1,000,000 times that the option had NOT been available to me. No matter how it would've changed my life.
Unfortunately, in this particular scenario, you may be doing her more harm than good.
Jgonzales was speaking the opinion of many on this site--and she has the right, as you do, to post her opinion. She needn't be told to keep her thoughts to herself.
I think you knew when you opened this thread that it could be a heated one. You've been around here long enough to know how some of the women feel.
I am admittedly against abortion, and I've had one!! I have no shame in saying so---I've wished 1,000,000 times that the option had NOT been available to me. No matter how it would've changed my life.
Unfortunately, in this particular scenario, you may be doing her more harm than good.
You are reading content posted in the Women's Health Community
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
Bumps in the genital area might be STDs, but are usually not serious.
Chlamydia, an STI, often has no symptoms, but must be treated.
From skin changes to weight loss to unusual bleeding, here are 15 cancer warning signs that women tend to ignore.
