I feel very abnormal even though I appear normal to people

[Shai84]

I am in my early 30s, did my MBA for a top 50 school and now I work for a fortune 50 company. On the professional and educational front, I have done exceedingly well. But my problem is that although I come across as a normal person, maybe slightly under-confident but on the inside I feel very abnormal. I have a very bad temper, I give out extreme reactions at times (even in public places like a salon), I never trust people in any area of life, I have no real friends, I am gullible, I always trust the wrong people who eventually take advantage of me, I feel depressed and lonely, I have hard time letting go off control so I never bond with a man emotionally. I feel like a mess! Can someone tell me what to do? I am so lost. How should I fix myself? Am I too old to be even fixed?
A bit about my background-
I have had several bad relationships in the past- some of which were bad because I could not connect with anyone emotionally and others were bad because I chose the wrong man. I got married when I was 27 to someone who was great on paper but that ended in divorce in just a year- reason was wrong man with whom I could not connect emotionally.
I had a traumatic childhood because my parents were always fighting (to this day). My father was a physically and mentally abusive husband and father both- A VERY CRUEL man really. My mother cheated on him a LOT. She was even caught once and then they filed for divorce but never went thru with it for the sake of kids. But my father reminds me of his "sacrifice" to this day. My father also cheats on my mother every now and then. I remember the time when I was 13 years old and my youngest brother was just 1 at that time, my father wanted to leave my mother for another woman. He said he wont leave a penny for his 3 kids and wife because all his money was his only. I was so scared for my future that I took poison to escape it but doctors saved me. My mother wasn’t allowed to have friends or even speak to her parents or siblings because my dad thought they were bad influence for my mother. So I became everything to my mother- her emotional crutch. I never really had a childhood. Until I left for college, I was in fact a very bad student too. I have lived my entire life in anxiety and fear.
I am eldest of the 3 children in our family. My sister is hated by everyone in the family because she is very cruel, a sadist. I am close to my brother because I played mother to him when he was a child. After all he needed someone to protect him from my parents! He has anger issues too. Our neighbors and relatives think we are a nut-job family which is very shameful.
I don’t want to go to a therapist because they will tell me why I am weird but I already know that. I want to know if I can become normal and I want to know what I can do for it.

[specialmom]

A therapist is like your own personal cheerleader.  heck, everyone needs a therapist in their corner.  I'd choose a woman to help you feel more comfortable. And the good news about life is you always know there is someone more mess up than you. :>))  Therapists have heard lots of difficult, embarrassing, humiliating stories in their line of work.  Your story will be a breath of fresh air.  And it will be fulfilling for you both for them to try to help you.  Don't be afraid.  They ask you questions in a way that is not just where you spill your guts within 20 seconds.  good luck

[Shai84]

Thanks for your reply. I did look up the book you suggested- I guess its a good starting point. I feel so anxious just communicating about my problem over the internet with people I have never seen, that i dont know how can i ever face a therapist, a person with a face who can actually see me too. But i will think about it i promise.

[Shai84]

Thank you for reading my post and replying. hugs back to you- I really needed them. I am so confused really. Therapist sounds too extreme

[specialmom]

Sweetie, have you ever considered therapy?  I wonder from what you write if you did not always have 'something' going on.  My son has a neurological issue that is related to his sensory system.  It has nothing to do with his intelligence, he's tested gifted and is a straight A student.  He has activities and basically does really well.  However, he has sensory integration disorder.  When he was 4, he told me he felt different than the other kids (pretty heartbreaking as a mom to hear him verbalize this).  This has always been the case.  He often feels on the outside looking in in life event though he is by all accounts very successful.  

This is something I think therapy can really help you with.  You can dig deep to find out where these feelings may come from.  Then some strategies to overcome them will be discussed.  Your therapist will offer you challenges that may make you uncomfortable but help you work through this.  Well worth it!  

I also heard a phrase regarding my son that was basically Accentuate the positives, minimize the negatives.  We've always gone with that.  He's not perfect---  but he has great qualities.  And we really focus on that.  Then the negatives, we problem solve.  But overall, we try to get him to see his positives so that he has a strong sense of self.  

From what you write, you have many positives sweetie.

I know too, I'm an introvert.  I also see myself as a bit different.  I don't want to be around loads of people all the time and forcing small talk, etc. But I've worked to have some super close friends.  They accept me for who I am. I don't have to fit in but can just be ME.  And that sure feels good.

there is a psychologist who writes books and does them  on audio named Brene Brown.  Love her.  I think you would find her audio book--  "The Gift of Imperfection" to be very helpful to you.  And all of her other books are really great too.  

Anyway,  I found with my son, one friend made a huge difference.  Just one.  When you write, I see some similarities with you and him.  I wonder if you didn't have something minor going on neurologically all this time that you weren't aware of.  Worth talking about with a professional.

Feel better dear.  peace

[veromazarelli]

First.... Sending some virtual hugs to you :)
Second... Don't say that you need to be "fixed". Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) has something, or more than one thing, they need to work on in their life.
I can tell you have a lot of emotions inside of you. Really consider seeing a therapist/counselor/etc... No, they won't say you are 'weird', but they will listen to you and help you to move forward in your life, making better choices every day. Maybe talking to a professional will help you make sense of the feelings you have about your past. But better yet, it may help you find some answers for the future.

Hope this helps.... Good luck.