30 years old Never had a Girlfriend. Loner for Life

[LoneWolf111]

Im a 30 year old guy a complete loner living alone, that likes to isolate myself away from everyone as I spend most days completely alone with no human contact. Im not social at all. No friends for about 5-7  years now and until the last couple days I was completely content never even thought about dating in the last 4-5 years. I usually spend the day working out than watching tv/games and maybe drinking here and there. But for some reason maybe its not enough sun idk, I have been thinking about it. It also doesn't help I looked back 8 years when I was 22 asking this question so will probably be asking again when I am 38. So How do i get these stupid thoughts out of my head and go back to my care free life????

[NicolaDarling]

Wanting to be on your own isn't a problem. If you prefer to be isolated and not to have many social contacts, that's perfectly fine. However, since it seems to bother you, here's what I suggest.

First, write down your feelings about friendship, relationships, etc. Find out what interests you and what scares you. Then, look at what's stopped you from having these things. For instance, you say you've never had a girlfriend, but is this because you never had much interest in dating, or because you continually tried but were rejected? Understanding why you're alone will help you decide how to change that, should you want to.

If you find you'd really like to socialise more, reach out. Volunteering is a good way to start. You can meet people but you're not there just to socialise, so you can concentrate on the job at hand instead of the chatter if you get nervous. Taking a class also works. If you're religious, you may want to attend religious gatherings. These are ways to edge you into a social environment without putting you in the spotlight. Go from there, joining clubs or sporting teams, or looking up old friends/contacts from work or school. If you decide you'd like to date, you'll probably meet a girl through one of these social events. Don't feel like you have to do everything at once. Maintain your boundaries and keep to a schedule so you still have lots of alone time if you want it.

You may find out you prefer being alone and don't really enjoy other people. There's nothing wrong with this so long as you're not doing it out of fear. If you discover you're happier on your own, do as others have advised: get a pet. Also, find ways to enhance your solitary life. Investigate new hobbies you can do on your own. Design a project or take a free online class. Schedule time to be outdoors, engaged in a solitary sport (even tennis, played against the wall). Just because you're a loner doesn't mean you're unable to have a rich, fun life.

[Nighthawk61]

You've said that you work out during the day? Does this mean you don't work or have never worked?  

One could say of a person that wants a "care free" lifestyle, that it could be perceived as being selfish. For example, if your parents were considered good parents, and their experience of you since at least 22 years of age, is that you don't care enough about them to come for Christmas dinner, or celebrate your siblings birthdays or a new birth announcement from a family member. Do you have siblings or were you raised as an only child?

Perhaps if you were raised as an only child, and your lifestyle as a child was pretty insular , detached or isolated, your natural progress may well be to isolate yourself as a 22 year old.

I have a step daughter who was raised only with their cousins. Never was communicating outside of the relatives something that was valued. Currently, this girl is your age and never left the home between the age of 19 and 25. After my step daughter moved in with us, i gave her an ultimatum that she either go to college, go to work, or go to a therapist. She chose to go to college, and will finish this April. It is unfortunate that she chose not to talk anyone at college, and has made no friends. She chooses to be lazy rather than to go out and experience life, hiking, swimming, just seeing this beautiful world up close and personal.  Unfortunately for her, lack of physical exercise is part of her "care free" lifestyle she has chosen, and i fear that she will become diabetic in her 30's. There is so much of life and happiness that this girl is missing. Traveling with friends, marrying a foreigner to spice things up as my son did - now he travels the world with his girl and visits his in laws in France regularly.

Have you ever considered, that choosing a "care free" life is akin to not caring about anyone, akin to being selfish? Have you ever considered that being care free, you are also not cared about? if you give nothing to life, life can't give you anything back?

Bottom line, have you or your family ever considered this care free lifestyle you've chosen as a possible disability?

I guess what i'm getting to is this... do you work to provide for yourself? If you do work and provide for all of your own needs (as slim as that list might be with no care of going outside or doing anything but working out) and you chose to be a loner, then i say it's a lifestyle choice, but , if you cannot work outside the home i see your care free lifestyle  possibly as a disability. And , there's ample help for those experiencing disability. So depending of where you fit, you may or may not have anything more to think about or do, moving forward. In my most humble opinion. If you ever care to talk about your life, or how you may be beginning to FEEL - i'd  be happy to listen, and maybe even help. As i said, i did manage to facilitate a significant change my step daughters life style, and i know she's proud of her going outside of her comfort zone and when she finishes school, if she is able to get it together and show she is capable of having propriety, she may be able to start the beginning of her career journey. Unfortunately, if she stops short at any time of doing what's necessary to fit in to the world and care about how she is perceived by others, her career may not get off the ground, and she may never fly. If this is the case, it's back to square one and finding a therapist to help  motivate her care and work at being part of something bigger than herself. Why? Because if you don't work you don't eat. One must fight to look after themselves. Getting to know others and making friends with people is just a happy coincidence to looking after yourself. Another happy coincidence to providing for yourself is maybe  caring enough about one of these friends, that you can be part of a couple.

All i can say is this, I would never wish never having a partner to love - or a partner to love you - on my worst enemy. I don't have many friends, and while i may wish i had more, i do have a best friend in my partner. I do have a best friend in my child. I do love my son's in laws and extended family. I will never be truly alone like i was before i found them both.  I thank God i'm no longer "care free". Being responsible and caring is a joy that i wouldn't have missed for a lifetime of "care free" living. I'm wondering how you might feel about coming to the  other side? where people love caring about one another? Do you think that maybe you might try to find an outlet where you  become important in someone else's world (other than family)?  That would be a wonderful start, (yes, like someone you plan to meet at the dog park, like someone that invites you to have dinner, etc) These are called the simple pleasures. Otherwise, life would be all about work , feeding oneself and hopefully staying fit. just the bare minimum of what it takes to stay alive. Love outside of one's self is where true happiness happens.  And I'll pray for you that you make it happen for yourself. That you reach out from your comfort zone and trust , and have faith that other people in your life will make you happier than being alone.  Yes, that's my prayer for you.

I'm wondering if you were raised in the Church at all? I wasn't, and it seriously left me at a disadvantage as far as accepting others and caring about others gracefully. My partner is Catholic and I can see the difference between us with him being raised in Church as opposed to my having had no instruction of having faith in something - anything - bigger than myself.  It takes the two of us , for me to have become whole, and i bet that it might be the same for you, if you sincerely open yourself up to being more diverse in your choices.

You deserve the very best life. And, for sure , that takes work.  I think the best thing you could do right now, moving forward is to question what and whether being "care free" is a good thing or something that might thus far be limiting your life experience.  I never have regretted changing from a care free and in my case what i describe as selfish lifestyle to my very caring lifestyle that in enjoy with my partner and family now. In fact, i'm so happy, that i send my extra happiness out into the universe and meet people daily for a pleasant exchanges all the time. I find i am happier this way , then way back when i was care free.

Anyway, for what it's worth? I care about you - I care about your happiness. moving forward. I'll keep you in my prayers. Blessings.

[LoneWolf111]

I live completely alone yes for the last 5 years.  And I went to college mostly did online classes and when I did go to class I kept my head down and never socialized as I’m not good at it or connecting with people.  I don’t have a dog either but my parents have 2 that I visit once in awhile.   I spend most of my time in my apartment alone or working out alone. And I do work some on fixing up houses once again Alone I do most things alone or once in awhile with my parents vacations and things.  I have a younger brother and older sister  so no not an only child  I don’t know why I have isolated myself so long maybe I am afraid of letting people in so it’s easier to just close myself off.  I just know I’m a detached Loner who has isolated himself completely for years and can’t socialize.  I don’t feel like I belong in society anymore like I’m an alien looking in on something not meant for me. Also what woman would want a detached Loner with no friends and no passions in life. I will be alone for the rest of my life that’s just who I am now and probably always been

[LoneWolf111]

Also once in awhile get really drunk alone.  I like drinking but I binge drink so much I don’t feel good and stop for weeks at a time than do it again once and stop for 2-4 weeks

[LoneWolf111]

I think that’s my only outlet is drinking every few weeks until I’m black out drunk. I guess working out is an outlet too do that almost daily

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't know if you come back to check your messages, but I would suggest that the answer to "What woman would want a detached loner with no friends and no passions in life?" A woman who is feeling roughly the same thing. Not everyone is looking for a raucous social life, many are satisfied with someone to sit by them at night at home. Also, there is other contact in the world besides going out with ladies. There might be some corner of the world where you could do a little (and I mean just a bit of toe-in-the-water) volunteering about something you think looks interesting or you care about. It's a good way to meet people who also feel the same way. One of my friends met some besties when he volunteered on a hot line, for example. Anyway, I'm glad you work out, it will keep your brain together, and I'm glad you see your family. You might try to figure out a third form of outreach (I'm skipping the drinking because it's so hard on the body). Just a little bit and ruled by, it has to be interesting or moderately fun.

[Nighthawk61]

I don't think recognizing that you are a stranger to the sun is stupid thought, and recognizing that change might be a good idea in your case. The thing is, it doesn't sound like you've had too much experience in life that includes other people and it concerns me that it from that perspective 0=that you are "content" with your long term lifestyle choice of being a "loner. I think that you should consider taking the opportunity at this time to include one more person into your life. You could learn how it feels to be needed, to be wanted and to be cared for by a significant other. In order to have that goal met, it would require you to be interesting and capable of caring about how other people perceive you. Yes, a care free lifestyle takes less work, but to me, it is the challenges in life that make life and people interesting. The challenge of you opening yourself up to caring about animals or humans , loving, and being loved back, is, i think would be something that will return to you ten fold,by comparison to a care free life.

Do you think there are any reasons that contributed to your choosing a "care free" life? I think that you owe it to yourself to look indepth at why you've chosen this lifestyle.? Is it laziness? or is it hurts from the past? Is there a chance that you could benefit from lifestyle changes that a therapist could help you with.? Because if you do, you owe it to yourself to find a therapist. Have you ever sat down and thought about a bucket list? Things that you'd like to do outside of your home that you think you'd be happy experiencing? Like scuba diving, or art  classes that might draw a passionate response from you? If so, it stands to reason that having others passionate about the same things could make for interesting company. I think the idea of a dog is a great idea, especially to get you out of your house. Do you mind my asking a couple of questions ? ie. Do you have a cat or animal that you are raising in your home? I assume that you live alone - Do you have family that you converse with ? Have your family ever talked to you about being more open to communicating with people (other than by necessity i.e. work place interactions.)? Have you always worked? or is this a case of inability to go near other people and has it caused you might consider a disability? For whatever reason you chose to reach out now, after 10 years (of no change) thanks for coming out and talking. It sounds like it would be interesting to get to know you more. Do you have friends online that you regularly talk to?

[Chima7]

Have you ever considered getting a dog? They're great companions, more loyal than people. Taking the dog out for walks will get you outside and possibly meeting other dog owners. It's just a thought. But my mom was terribly lonely after my dad passed away and getting a dog helped her tremendously. Her dog is a cute little papillon that has the most adorable face I've ever seen in a dog. I'm a cat person myself but I love dogs because they love their owners unconditionally and they are always happy to see you when you walk in the door.

[specialmom]

You were here 8 years ago asking this question?  On the plus side, you've not been upset about this and were content until just a few days ago.  Some people really are just loners and there is nothing wrong with that.  We are who we are.  If you aren't content any longer, now you have to figure out how to bring people in your life.  This can mean finding someone to work out with, joining a class at the gym like spinning or TRX, going out to have a drink once in a while (don't use alcohol though for social courage . . . that usually backfires).  Do you work (go to a job anywhere)?  

[LoneWolf111]

Yea I think I’m just a loner and have to accept I’m not a social person and don’t know how to connect with people so will never have a girlfriend.  I think usually I’m ok with it but sometimes it really gets to me and feel like something is missing but o well that’s life it’s not fair