I am an addict. I have been addicted to most drugs I've ever put my hands on. Starting with speed when I was 16, to coke, crack, heroin, benzo's and alcohol.
I've tried most drugs and I've definitely abused them to extremes that people probably wouldn't believe.
Just before I went into rehab 2 and a bit years ago, I was dealing coke to pay for my heroin habit, lots of coke.
To start with I bought a car, a new iPhone. All the smack I wanted.
It wasn't long before I was cooking up the coke (just to test it) this woke up a sleeping monster in me. Within 8 months I had gone from earning 1000s a week to smoking crack ALL day and night. I think it was about 3 weeks I went without eating a thing, the occasional sip of water would wet my mouth, just enough so I could do my next pipe.
I injected heroin, I smoked crack non stop, I took handfuls of benzo's to crash for a couple of hours before starting again.
ALL of this was done in my mothers house as she helplessly watched, giving the occasional empty threat to throw me out.
She paid my dealer 10000 to stop me being killed. By this time I had lost 5 stone. I'm 6ft 3 and I was now 9 stone... no car, phone, friends, no hope.
I walked into rehab as "rock bottom" as anyone could be.
I didn't find the lord, or any higher power in rehab.... i found myself, I looked deep into why I did the things I did, why I made those choices. It turns out I had so many core beliefs, schemas, whatever you want to call them. Abandonment issues, fear of failure, self sabotage, subjugation.... the list went on.
I couldn't get any lower, I wanted answers, about ME. I wanted to change and I was willing to do anything to make that happen, and with hard hard work and the love and support of my family I've been clean for 2 years.
I still have days where I KNOW heroin would make life a **** load easier, but I also know there is NO SUCH THING as a 1 off.
I'm now doing a life coaching course and an NVQ level 3 in advice and guidance.
I hope this story brings hope to somebody, because I've been to hell and back and survived situations no human should have. I GAVE MYSELF ANOTHER CHANCE.
Removing chaos from my life, removing drugs, removing the bullshitters and blaggers was the best thing I ever did. I hope you can do the same. Much love.
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