218 days clean and now off of Suboxone too

[Iwant2Bclean]

218 days ago I made the choice that this was MY life and Addiction didn't control any aspect of my life let alone every aspect of my life like it used to. I wasn't living my life I was getting by in life. I had a huge wake up call and I am glad to be sitting here and able to have another shot at life. I wasted half of my life being a drug addict and being just a shell of who I once was and who I should still be. I can't get those years back but one thing I can do is to make the best of the life that I have right here right now! Suboxone played a huge roll in me getting a good start at another chance at a whole new life. How many ppl get that chance and actually make the best of it? Prolly not many but I know that I was given this second chance at living a clean and sober life and I will be damned if I am gonna sit back and watch it pass me by again cause I guarantee this chance won't come around again. I am 27 and at 13 I became an addict. I will be an addict for the rest of my life BUT I will NOT be a practicing addict I will be a recovering addict. Although we will always be in recovery I think that is way better than just being a drug addict for the rest of our lives. I took my last 2mg of Suboxone Wed morn and am ready for whatever life throws at me. although I know it is not gonna be an easy road, I know I will fight many battles several times a day in the beginning but in time I won't have to fight as often.  I will take it step by step and day by day and learn from each passing day. Who else is excited about getting to live the rest of your life free from pills with a clear mind. No more days of nothing but lying to the ppl who love you the most stealing from somebody who thought you would never do such a thing to them.  saying whatever you had  to say to whoever you said it to  just so you could get that pill. Didn't care who we lost or  who's life was flipped upside down in the process just as long as we were getting high who cares what anybody else feels or thinks. When drugs are in your life you don't have room to have anybody or anything else in there. I cry when I think about all the years I lost with friends and family cause all I cared about was getting higher than the last time. I had a lot of things happen in my life that caused me heartache after heartache and turned to the pills to make it all better. Then I ended up thinking that I have had more things go wrong in over a few years that no person should have to deal with that much in a lifetime. So then the world owed me. Don't try to step in and stop my good time cause this is owed to me.  So no more just getting by in life I am gonna be the one living each and every single day I have left like it was my first day.I wish you all the strength to keep pushing for the life you want to live  and deserve. Thanks to those who took the time to read my crazy rambling post
Krissy
Krissy

[Iwant2Bclean]

I am actually doing ok now and all that stuff is not happening to me anymore. Thank God cause I was about to tear my house apart to find that music. I am having a lil laugh about the whole thing now that it is gone. During I was far from laughing. I do now know a possible cause of it. I started taking Adderall again and I hate to admit it I took a few extra cause it helps me if I would have any W/d's. It always has done that for me. I won't take anymore extra's cause the W/d's will be gone soon. I go back to the Dr on the 5th to get some pills that they give you to make sure you don't have a reaction to the shot. I cant think of the name of the shot but it does the same thing as Sub's and also used for alcoholics. It is 800 a shot lasts 1 month. 1st one is FREE or I wouldn't be getting it. Thanks for messaging me back!

[steedo]

Hope you are doing wel, just bumping this up so you don't get lost.Hope yo got my IM. Stay on Med Help, there are a lot of great people who will help you through this. It only gets better.

[ang_811]

just wanted to let u know i sent u a message. good luck to ya and congradulations on getting ur life back, it only gets better from here.

[steedo]

Hi Krissy,

I was on sub for a yerar and a half, It helped change my life but in the last 5 months I got sick of not being my true self. Sub blocks your true feelings and you are not yourself. I jumped off at 1mg 16 days ago. I had been on 2mg most of my time on it. It is no fun and sub WD lasts a bit longer than other drug WD (oxy, hydro, ext) The WD is not as intense as those but lasts longer. You can do it.
I have been to Lewisberg many times as I live in Charleston. Have spent many nites at The General Lewis Inn, had many great meals at Tavern 1785, Food and Friends and even Julians even though he drives me crazy.
  You are on day 3 now and it may feel like it will never end, stay strong, try to do things to keep busy and you will be drug free and life will be so much better. IM me and we can talk and I will be your WV buddy and help you as much as I can.

                            Jim

[gnarly_1]

sent you a message dident want to hijack this post so check your e/mail........Gnarly

[hell84]

I have read alot of good & bad about Sub. Which is true?

[hell84]

I am snorting up now just to keep from WD. I am trully scared **** of stopping

[Iwant2Bclean]

I promise to message you as soon as I get back home from work. I should have left 15 mins ago ooops.

[hell84]

I have been on Opana for over 1 yr, snorking it. Taking the 40mg about 8 aday. I am going to stop on saturday. I am Suboxon from a Dr. Any feed back. what can I expect?

[FassFeat]

Trying and keeping up that great attitude.. The attitude will take you far. I don't doubt that you will succeed.. I hear alot of resolve in your remarks. God Bless

[Iwant2Bclean]

and everybody else that mentioned Aftercare. The program I was in you had to have weekly counseling. Since I am finished with the program I will only have a monthly appt if I want it. I started a job yesterday I haven't worked since I had my son Oct 07. So I think getting out into the world and having something other than my home life to think about will also help in my recovery and with the weak moments. Which up to now I haven't really had any  and not to say that in 5 mins that couldn't change cause it can and it will  do it so fast you don't have time to think about what just happened. I wish I could say I will NEVER relapse I will NEVER do this but then I would be setting myself up for the biggest shock and disappointment of my "new" life. I will say and I can say that with every bit of my mind soul and body that I will give 110% of everything I have to try and not relapse and pray with all I have as well that I will find the strength to overcome anything that may come my way. Trying is really all we can do aint it?

[FassFeat]

Congrats on your success!! As you said earlier, you have been given a new life. Don't look back, and forgive yourself for anything you did in your previous life.. Really, treat it as a brand new life. Do it like you always dreamed you could. Take care of you, protect your clean above all else (I say all else because it will enable you to give superior care to your child and ralationship with husband) and keep your guard up. Plug into some kind of aftercare for the weak moments that will hit when you least expect. I am so happy and proud for you. As Gnarly said, your attitude rocks. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Good luck and God Bless. Andrew

[Iwant2Bclean]

Thank you so much. Right now I am living in a dream one that  I prayed and prayed would happen but didn't really ever see anything but the life I was living when I was on the pills.Needless to say when I saw that the life of addiction was gonna be a thing of the past the joy and excitement that I felt was so amazing I can't put into words. . After 14 yrs  of the same ol routine you kinda start to lose hope of having a life other than the one you are in that you wish was just a nightmare. It is hard to imagine that something so small can have such a big impact of every aspect of your life, but they do they and before you know it the life you thought you knew doesn't exist anymore. I wish all of you a long and wonderful recovery. From this day on I am no longer looking back and thinking what if I had did this and not that where would I be today? Doing that only leaves me second guessing everything I have ever done in life and I don't need or want to dwell on what could have been. Although it is kind of a eye opener when you write down how you think your life should have been and how it actually turned out. I know I didn't wake up and say Hey I think from now on I am gonna be a drug addict that lies steals begs borrows and whatever I think will get me what I want most. Barely get through a day without the strong desire to kill myself and end the suffering and agony I dealt with everyday all the pain I have caused and the pain I would continue to cause the ones who love me. I am glad that now instead of wanting to die I think about how much I want to live and become the person I thought I should have been all along.

[LeaAnn807]

(((KRISSY))) Congrats on your clean time!  It's going to be a great life for you now!

[Iwant2Bclean]

Actually I lost more family members than anybody. My family has always acted like family is the most important thing and you never turn your back on family no matter what. And the same ones that preached that are the ones that turned the fastest. That's ok cause if they couldnt accept me at my worst they sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. One day they will wish they hadn't turned on me and by that time maybe I will have forgot about them and moved on with my life. All i want is to live with as little drama as possible and not worry about everybody. I just need to worry about ME and what I am doing and what I better never do again. And of course just raise my son to be a gentleman and the best that he can be  and be a good wife to my hubby. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I would like to think at the end of the day that somebody out there has turned their life around after hearing a part of my story. And had the chance to get back on the right path before they had to go through all the hell I did to be where I am now. It was worth it though cause I learned a lot of things I would have never thought about had I not been an addict. So in some ways being an addict has helped me and well you know what it did on the other side.

[janet19]

I really enjoyed reading your story and I have to say it was very inspirational. I think it is just what I needed today. I am now on suboxone and I sure hope my story turns out like yours. You are one of the very lucky ones and you do have so much more life ahead of you. Yeah I would do a cheer for you but would probably fall on my rear.

I hope you find all the things that you missed in your life and keep on making some of those wonderful choices and I am sure you can do anything you want. Put the past in the past and move forward. I am sure your family and friends have long forgiven you for all you past mistakes, So go have fun lose the guilt and enjoy.

[Iwant2Bclean]

Brian thank you for your message.I really appreciate it. After much though went into this  I truly feel that my purpose in life is to help young people that are getting ready to go down that same road I was on so many years ago or the ones that are on that road and don't see a problem with having fun. Fun that's what it started off as. I remember in 9th grade you were cool if you did pills. Looking back not sure what we thought back then, Then it was every other weekend just for "FUN" then lets do it every weekend cause we won't get hooked on it. That quickly turned into a few times during the week and still telling myself it was all for fun I could go without it Right? So then I have friends and family telling me I need to slow down and back off the pills or I won't be able to stop. I said Who are you to try and take away my good time the world owes me for all the hell  I went though. Remember it is just for fun. Well here I sit 14 yrs after I took that first pill for the "FUN" of it and I  just want to shake them and hug them and ask them if "FUN" is not being able to get out of bed without your fix first thing in the morn before you get your eyes open or is it laying in bed hoping that this is the time that all the pain and everything you are feeling does what you want and ends your life for you so you don't have to do it yourself.  I know it sure ain't fun losing things that meant alot to you at one time cause you had to pawn it to get your fix. Or Fun maybe stealing anything you can get at least a few bucks out of. and lying to everybody when they ask you if you took money from them. What kind of person do this young kids these days think about me doing all this stuff for a pill? I am sure they are saying just what I said back then. Yeah well she isn't me and I don't do enough to get that bad on them and I would never steal or lie to get a pill. Ppl who have nothing are the ones that do that kind of stuff not someone who lives in a nice house and drives a nice car. That would never happen to me I am better than that woman. I said it more times than I can recall. I won't be anything like that lady ever she is as low as it gets. I hit that rock bottom I always said I would NEVER come close to seeing let alone experience it first hand.I am one ot the lucky ones who got the chance to walk away from this hell we lived in and better our life and everyday I thank god that I was given the chance to walk away unharmed for the most part The scars on my wrists from cutting and the ones of my thighs from cutting and the ones from shooting up. they  remind me of the life that I never want to go back to and that everything I went through to sit where I am today and be happy truly happy in about 14 yrs. I had happy things happen but to say I am happy I couldn't.  that what I went through was real. I don't ever want to remember all the things I did but I also don't want to forget what I did so that I hopefully what I went through will keep me from falling back in to my old ways of depending on the drugs to make things numb and disappear but I would probably be what disappeared if I went back to that life I worked so hard to leave behind and move past. I am not ready to die  or give up on anything that I have ever wanted but never got cause the pills wouldn't let me do that kind of things. My new life is just getting started and there is no stopping me now. My son is gonna have what he needs and deserves from the mommy who was lost at first but has now found her way home where she belongs and that is where she will stay! Hope I didn't ramble on too much even though I am sure is is rather long. I tend to get to talking and typing and sometimes jump from one thing to the next a lil much. My apologies if this was boring I typed it to kinda help me remember the way I was then even though that is something that I am embarrassed and ashamed of and hate to admit that yes I did that. No way to live

[bmdad]

Hey Krissy...Congrats on doing what you had to do to get and stay clean. I know how hard life's struggles can be raising a child with a disability. My son also suffers with a disability. He was born with a neurological disorder which effects many aspects in his life. At first It was so hard to accept. Over time I realized that God never gives us more than we can handle. Now that he is nine I realize what an amazing gift God has given us and I wouldn't change my amazing son for anything. It brings so much joy and happiness to oulr lives and to so many others.
Keep moving forward and never stop fighting. You may experience some withdrawals jumping at 2mgs but know that they are temporary and remember that this will be the last bout of withdrawals you will have to deal with. Some have little to no withdrawals when tapering off of sub. There are many stories out there where people say that they had withdrawals but were so much more bearable than their regular full agonist doc. I've followed your fight for about a year now and I'm proud of everything you have accomplished. Keep up the positive attitude that you have and nothing in life will stand in your way.
Best of luck to you!

Brian

[Iwant2Bclean]

Thank you all for the comments.  
First I want to say this is technically my second time being sober. The first time I found out at 12 days that I was pregnant with my now 3 yr old son. I came home from the Dr's office picked up the bottle with about 30 give or take Roxy 30's and flushed them. My hubby was not very happy at all that I did that with em. Hey I didn't want them and didn't need them anymore either I wasn't gonna keep them.So anyways on from that. I didn't touch another pill til I got home from having my son. Then it was down hill faster than ever before. Then life got really stressful with finding out my son has a disability and my hubby has more things going wrong with him than most 80 yr old men and he is only 27. Ok so on to my wake up call. I had been high as hell one night and shot up who knows how many roxy 30's and Opana 30's. I used to just snort them and go on but that wasn't getting me as high as I wanted to be so that is when I did what I swore I would never do. I thought that the ones that shot up were the ones that had hit rock bottom and wasn't gonna get out of this alive. Here I am doing what I fear sticking a needle in my own arm to get higher! That same night I had wrote a letter and the things I said shocked me to my core. I talked about killing myself cause I couldn't deal with not having a pill for more than 15 mins. I couldn't get out of bed and have a son who depends on me more than most kids cause he has special needs. Still I found myself slipping further and further away from everybody and everything. I ended the letter with this will more than likely be the last thing I will ever right. Then like an hr later and several pages later I find this paper that is covered in blood. I read a bit of it and got to the part that explained the blood and I had slit my wrists and from the looks of the blood everywhere was bleeding pretty bad. I don't have any memory of this night or many nights just like it I am sure. One of the letters I wrote is the one that stopped me dead in my tracks and got me where I am right now. I wrote to my son about how much I loved him and that he didn't do anything to make me go away. That I went away because he would be better off without me in his life me being the addict and **** up that I was. I went on and on and I couldn't take it anymore. I was like what in the hell are you doing? You need help and if you don't get it soon you won't be here for any of the people who mean the world to you. I couldn't stand that I was gonna kill myself cause I was too weak to do what needed done to get better and get my life back. I knew at this time in my life that cold turkey was out of the question and methadone no thanks. So I heard about Suboxone and this was my ticket to finally heading in the right direction for the first time in a long time and having the opportunity to make something of my life. I started a job on Tues and though it is not quiet what I want to do for the rest of my life it is a foot in the right direction. Thank you all so much for messaging back

[iwannabefree]

Hi Krissy I know exactly where you are coming from. I am older than you and this is my second time around getting clean after being clean the last 10 years, so yes you are very correct when you say you are a recovering addict and that it is a fight for life not just through the detox period. I too have suffered worse than any human in a lifetime should, and I turned to drugs to dull the pain of living. Instead of dulling it I ended up turning my life into a shell of a human being not living just existing. I spent days and weeks at a time veged out in bed and then when I did have the energy to drag myself out I spent that time making a career out of visiting every chemist on my side of town(and I live in a big city so thats a lot of chemists). I would spend hours working out every place I would ever likely be and make sure that I had a stash stashed away. In some ways I think because of all the stuff that has happened to me I hated myself and just wanted to die so was slowly killing myself over time. I am now learning to love myself again instead of hating myself. I also now realize how truly sick Ive been to have hated myself for so long for things that happened to me not anything I did. I was a survivor of a murder attempt. I was stabbed,strangled and left for dead. How the hell could that be my fault. Where the hell was my thinking? I have learned one very important thing. There are a lot of people abusing painkillers that have had things happen to them in their life and this is their way to make themselves even exist. The other thing I have learned is for people like us who have been victims of violence and crime, is that it is not enough to just get off the drugs. We need professional help to deal with our past and the injustices that were dealt against us or we will just end right back at square one with the drugs again. I urge you to do that for yourself. I have come to realize I did nothing wrong to deserve the horrors that were bestowed upon me and that the beautiful young girl that I was with innocent hopes and dreams for the future must gain revenge the only way possible and that is to love myself again and to stay clean. Good luck to you and always remember you are a beautiful human being and that a higher power than yourself loves you and will always be around.........Love Christine

[gnarly_1]

HI Krissy.... WOW what a powerful story you remind me of my youngest daughter Sara she took to living on the streets as a crack/methamphetamine addict at 13 we went threw he!! and high water trying to get her help ...it took a near fatal car accedent to wake her up
that and the court therw her in juvie for the uptenth time...she found recovery there and now lives clean and sober and is going on 22....im so happy sub worked out for you ...it has helped many of our member get there feet back on the ground...jumping off at 2 is very doable ang_811 jumped from there you can ask her how it went but she is doing fine now
expect a few days of withdrawals but remember you get your freedom back and will no longer be chained to a pill bottle...im sure you have herd us beet this drum but hook up with some form of aftercare it helps out in so many ways...I would be lost without it today im just a couple of weeks shy of a yr clean...there is no greater feeling then being free and clear of all narcotics...I lived in active addiction for a long time to 10yrs on the pills then 6 1/2yrs on methadone ...as Sara always says keep your guard up...even after 6 1/2 yrs on methadone I still crave pills every once in a wile its because of aftercare I dont give in to the cravings ...just be ready to fight when you have to...your attitude rocks and you sound like your solid in your commitment to stay clean I wish you the best of luck on your new journey may God be with you.....Gnarly  

[dominosarah]

Nice post......Keep up the positive thinking!!  Let us know how you are doing now that you are done with the Sub....sara