Falling off the wagon for the hundreth time

[smokinggunn]

I feel like I cant break the cycle, am I alone on this feeling?
I go thru this every month seems like. I got my script filled a week or so aga, 140 -10/325 percs. I went thru all of them in six days. This is the fastest that I have gone thru them I am starting to get scared of OD. The person I get them from typically is out and wont re-up until two weeks. So I have no choice in trying to get clean, this would be longest I went without them. The longest was a little over a week and a miserable week it was. I was spending $1000/ month on this poison. I just hope I can stay strong and push thru this addiction. I am on day 3 of being clean fing miserable. Sorry about being all over the place kind of hard to concentrate

[littlebit667]

I discovered it was the SECRET that was keeping me addicted.  As long as it was my secret...no one knew..then I could do what I wanted.  My secret to keep abusing pills, my secret to hide from the world.  Well, that secret almost killed me.  That might be a bit dramatic, but ultimately I would die from the addiction..either physically or mentally or both.  

When I first came here, I told no one about my addiction.  I relapsed.  The second time..I listened to my supporters here and finally told my husband and adult daughter.  She already knew...smarty pants!  Hubby was so glad I was not dying...that had been his fear as I was so miserable.  I still relapsed.  

It was not until I told my adult son (the hardest thing I ever did) and my doctor did I find the ability to get and stay clean.  The mind is a mysterious thing and it seems it really wanted me to tell everyone before it allowed me the peace I needed.  

Every family is different, I understand that.  I just hope that once your secret is out you get the same support and help.  I will say my daughter helped me more than any of them (well, except for my doctor who felt terrible she had been feeding my addiction).  My doctor helped me so much the last time and I think it made the difference in my resolve to make this the LAST relapse.  

[conhall]

92 Hours thats Great You are getting through the physical part now and then the Mental will start Dont Refill your script Like you said this is way out of control Set yourself up with NA meeting now today, Start going to a group therapy or private therapy set up some type of aftercare.
Also make sure you delete all the numbers of anyone you could possibly get pills from and also let them know you wont be needing them anymore and to not call you Or you will turn their # over to police GET DRASTIC Take back your life my friend You have to or it will not change, I hear the sadness in your post and I know you are scarred but this has to be dealt with NOW>
I have a quote for you that was given to me. Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Think about this quote for a second and ask yourself, does this quote apply to the way your addiction has Taken over your life and each relapse.
I know you want to be done with this but what lengths are you willing to go to?
Its hard admitting to peolpe that we have problems and especially that we are an addict but you have to get the support to get through this.
You family will surprise you they love you and yes they probably already know something is up. Do this for you so you can start Living your life.No More being chained down.

I

[dominosarah]

You have the key that will unlock the chains that bind you so either you reach for that key or you continue down this deadly road.  Those are your choices.  Please make the right one.

[Mintyfresh79]

Some really great advice here. It seems that your fed up and tired of the way things are going for you. It also seems that you might just be wAiting for your next script to become available. Let me ask you this though. When is enough enough? The longer you let this control your life the less power you will have to stop. It's basically a life or death situation. 120 pills in 6 days is alot(not being judgemantal just concerned) for anyone to take. It's going to be hard to stop but isn't anything worthwhile hard to obtain. I'm 28 days clean and I still crave but I take it hour by hour and day by day. I realized that if I continued that I would never stop the vicous cycle. Why do you want to quit? How are drugs affecting your life? What are some goals drugs are getting in the way of? These are some things to think about.

Human nature is to want to help people and see them do well. You'd be surprised at people and all the support they can give you but first you need to take a stand for yourself and say enough is enough.

[PorVida]

Kyle and Weaver are right.  Look man I have been exactly where you are.  Hell I was there 2 days ago with 8 days clean and I went to my doctor to tell him no more and got one last refill to "taper."  But walking out of their and taking a few, I realized I couldn't get them anymore and so I flushed the rest.  Best decision I made.

So then yesterday, I called every doctor and pharmacy I had ever gotten pills from and simply told them I was no longer taking opiates and needed my file flagged that they were not to prescribe them to me unless my wife was present and ok it.  Let me tell you, she is never ever gonna find a reason it is ok.

As for my friend who I could get them from, I went to my phone account and blocked them from being able to call me or text me.  Then I jumbled my password so I have to call phone company and spend an hour or two to get the number unblocked.  This way I know when the cravings come, I wont cave.

The funny thing is, every one I told either acted like it was no big deal or told me great job.  No one judged me, no one thought less of me.

[weaver71]

Just wanted back kyle, you won't regret the advice.

[kyle505]

I give up. You need to stop worrying about other people and start focusing on you. It doesn't take a lot of strength to pick up the phone, to email. You are at a crucial point. You need support. What you are experiencing, as I've said, is your mind controlling you. IF you tell someone the chance to use in the future is diminished. In fact, everything necessary to recover lessens the chances of using in the future and your addicts brain is fighting very, very hard right now to prevent any interruption in the flow of meds. And as Weaver pointed out, you had an opportunity to tell your dealer to go to hell, but you did nothing. Deleting the message was a way to avoid what needed to be done.
Right now my heart goes out to you. You are losing a very important fight; if this continues you will relapse. I don't know what else to say. You aren't listening. You are feeling sorry for yourself and buying your own BS.

[weaver71]

Next time, text back, "I won't ever need anything again, please don't tempt me." I had to talk recovery with my dealer for a couple months before the offers stopped. I was at such a low bottom, I didn't care what anyone thought, I had to be honest for a change. A change is what I needed the most. I finally spilled my guts to everyone I know. I was afraid, but had nothing left to lose. Every single person reached out their arms and offered support. Most had been through it or knew someone personal who had. I may have lost my family without that honesty and humility. A lot of my fear was me judging myself, which I'm great at. Once it was out, my fear left me and I had more support than I felt I deserved. We think our problem is such a huge secret, yet many know something is going on. I was kinda like a smoking gun, and people wondered where the slug hit. When my fantasy was smashed, I finally saw a glimpse of reality. People love us and want to help, but they have to know the problem first. Talk therapy has been my saving grace. Accept the love your people have for you, they deserve it and so do you. That is when the mental part started to heal for me, when I finally got honest with myself and those around me. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of work to do, I figure another 29 1/2 years, that's when my recovery will have progressed as far as my addiction. I have memories from 35 years ago that make me cry, but I am finally growing instead of escaping those experiences. I gave my life to recovery, that's all I have to sacrifice and I barely walked away with a life. The only thing that matters is progress, constant progress, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but it always materializes for those who work for it. A step in the right direction, that's what you're doing, that's progress. Take a chance and do something different for a change. Change has endless opportunity, what's in store for you? I think we'll know soon, just don't fight it.

[smokinggunn]

I understand the sacrifices that have to be made but how do you work up the courage and strength to let everyone in? That is my biggest struggle right now. It is worse than dealing with the hell of WD. I sat here for hours trying to get the strength and courage to reach out to all of my family for support and I just couldn't muster up strength to do it, I wanted to I really did. I feel like such a failure to everyone. It has been hard to even look myself in the mirror. The physical WD I can handle it is the mental I battle I struggle with. The emotions have really turned on like never before. I feel like breaking down and crying for no other reason but to cry. Is this normal? I have been down this road numerous times and never felt more emotional than I am now. I am hoping that this is the last time. I thank everyone that has posted your support and appreciate the harsh truth and reality of the addition. The good new is  I have not had a pill in 92 hours. I even got a text asking if I needed anything and I just deleted it that was a very hard struggle but a step in the right direction

[kme17]

You have to really want to quit before you can quit. You will know when your ready. But you dont sound like your doing it on purpose.

[Dane74]

Hey bud, this is not easy one bit, it is the hardest thing ever to deal with and its a life long battle.  I understand what you mean that this time is different, i was like that too.  For me, i was on and off pills for legit pain, it got more difficult to come off them through the years.  The last few years i tapered down and it was a piece a cake, i had no cravings, it was that easy.  WELL, then this last time was when all hell broke out, and it was hell!!!! I hate to say it but the disease came at me in full force, so i went through the WD and then the real work came into play and i failed miserable, i was not use to the mental part as i never had that problem, but i promise you, this crap comes at ya in full force.  Please do not let pride get in your way, man up and take responsibility and you will be surprised how much support you will receive.

[conhall]

Hey My Friend I sent you a message hope you read it and think about what I said. You can do this I know its hard but you see that each time it gets worse and worse. Last time we had talked about a taper plan or you had someone that held them for you I Know you have legit pain so that makes this even harder. Can your Brother hold your meds for you and give you only as prescribed? Maybe talk your Dr. about alternative meds non narcotic meds.
Each day that you are off the pills it will get easier but when your refill is due what is your plan?

[dominosarah]

Easy??  Oh he!! no it wasnt.  I remember laying on the bathroom floor and still not making it in the toilet.....It was the price i had to pay to get those toxins out of my body.  As for being a role model to your brother?  You are, you showed him that reaching out is okay.  Put your pride aside, hold your head up and walk into that meeting~

[kyle505]

Humor helped me get through my days in hell. Let me say it again...My days in hell. My detox a year ago was the most difficult thing that I've ever done. The physical withdrawal knocked me to my knees. The first night I spent on the bathroom floor, cramping, shaking, vomiting. The next days weren't any better. I could go on. And hundreds of us have been through the same, if not worse.
Then, recovery. I told my doc; I'd lied to him for years, so was that easy? Nope. I told my wife and kids. Their father, husband, was an addict. Shame, guilt, feeling very humble. Talk about a role model! Please. Easy? Nope. I went to my first NA meeting. And actually, that wasn't bad. I was so happy to finally be there, and everyone welcomed me.
Anyway, we use humor to deal with detox and recovery. And yes - JUST DO IT. Get off your butt, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop predicting how others will react, stop stalling. You'll be surprised at how many close to you already know that there's something going on; if they don't understand or won't support you, then screw 'em and move on. Your head is still running things. Your posts reflect classic addict reluctance.

[PorVida]

Hang in there man.  Look I should be on Day 9, but I screwed up and went to my doctor with the intention of telling him no more narcs and instead told him I needed to taper off and this was the last script he was to write.  I took a few yesterday then flushed the rest and I am back at Day 1.

Admitting my issues to my family, my doctors and friends was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have a great career, I am a professional.  I have a lot to lose if my reputation is tarnished, but like you I was on the merry go round every month for the last 4-5 years and I realized that if I do not get clean at any expense I am going to lose everything.  Career, wife, property and probably my life from an OD or destroying my organs.

I am a very smart person and I sat myself down and asked myself, how does this end?

1. I can keep going but I am so so miserable, eventually I will get arrested, OD or die of a painful disease from all the abuse I put my body through,

2. I can go to rehab or

3.  I can do it myself and tell my secrets

So looking at the 3 options, being the oldest son, the so called perfect child, the strength and envy of my 5 brothers, the person who literally has never asked for help with anything in my life,  I realized if I chose number 1 or 2, that would hurt everyone I cared for more than I could ever handle.  So I was left with option 3.  In the past I tried alone, tried to keep it a secret, but I always went back.  I asked myself, how would I react if my brother came to me with this issue and the answer was I would do anything I could to help him and would be heartbroken that he didn't come to me earlier because he feared my response.

So this time i quit, I told my family!  The response was the opposite of what I thought, it was empathy and compassion, they couldn't believe I was scared to ask for help. I think they were even a little offended that I wouldn't ask, damn its your family, if they can't help you with the worst thing in your life, who can?   It was the first time I realized showing weakness and humility was in fact something to be proud of.  It showed the ones I love that I too need help and that in and of itself was a huge example to set for my brothers who idolize me.

Then I told my doctors, one of whom is a client and friend, they all congratulated me and said what I was doing was very difficult and that most never can do it.  Finally, I got a therapist, everyone here preached aftercare, so I said what the hell Ill try.  Thinking the therapist would be shocked by my admissions, he was not.  Speaking with him took such a weight off my chest I cannot describe it.

In sum, if you wanna get clean, you have to do everything in your power to stop, this means cutting all sources, getting support and then having the strength to see that there is a different way to live.  

If you do not do these things, you will continue to relapse, ride the merry go round until either number 1 or number 2 happens.  This is not an opinion, it is fact.

We are here to support you.  Without this board, I would not be were I am at today.

[toothfairie]

no, it's def not easy.....55 days clean and still an uphill battle at times....not easy but it gets better...it really does....try not to be discouraged....just hang in there....we want you to succeed!  

[smokinggunn]

You guys make it sound so easy and carefree.  Just do it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with by far. It is very difficult to just  admit to everyone that I am an addict. I do want out just looking for help. Like I said asking my brother to a meeting was excruciating for me   I have always been a role model to him and look at me now wtf

[kyle505]

Meet, fine. Bike, I don't think so.

[clean_in_ks]

Especially if we meet at Kyle's where it's warm and can take turns getting to ride on his new bike LOL

[Andie015]

I'm right behind Kyle with 13 years of failure and agree with him 100 percent, taking so many pills a day my liver hurt. What your saying is you have to make it until you can get a refill...we have all been there... That's not wanting to quit. And you won't ever get clean until you are honest with your doc and yourself. Rehab and total honesty with everyone was my only way out and because I understand the amount of pills you take I also understand what it's going to take for you to get clean and that's rehab. You're in it very deep...you need help to get out.

[clean_in_ks]

Well said.....now you have me thinking what a face to face would BE like Hahaha!  I personally think it would be GRAND~

[dominosarah]

These are the times when i wish we were all face to face.  You would see the passion in our eyes and hear the caring in our voice.  Kyle and i dont usually hold much back, that is just who we are.  We all want you to fight just as hard as we fight for you to get your life back.

[kyle505]

Listen, you (we) are fighting for your health and well being, if not your life, thus the time to candy coat is over. And everything I suggest, everything I talk about I've done. When I do make a suggestion or comment on the lies and BS your addict's brain is handing out, I call on my 15 years of failure as a reference, not my one year of being clean. I know very little about being clean, but I know lots about using, stopping, using, lying, etc.
As a side note, I am also a "recovering" boozer. I haven't had a drink in 28 years, but I found pills right after I stopped drinking so that number really isn't a true tally of my sobriety. And for me, stopping drinking was much easier than stopping pills.
I really am a nice guy (some may disagree); I want you to stop. I don't want you to string this out and look back 15 years from now and say I wish...

[smokinggunn]

Kyle I understand what  you are saying. You are speaking the hard truth and I apreciated it. Comes across kind of harsh but I can take it. I really am trying to do it. kick this damn nasty addiction!!!