Falling off the wagon for the hundreth time

[smokinggunn]

I feel like I cant break the cycle, am I alone on this feeling?
I go thru this every month seems like. I got my script filled a week or so aga, 140 -10/325 percs. I went thru all of them in six days. This is the fastest that I have gone thru them I am starting to get scared of OD. The person I get them from typically is out and wont re-up until two weeks. So I have no choice in trying to get clean, this would be longest I went without them. The longest was a little over a week and a miserable week it was. I was spending $1000/ month on this poison. I just hope I can stay strong and push thru this addiction. I am on day 3 of being clean fing miserable. Sorry about being all over the place kind of hard to concentrate

[kyle505]

I give up. You need to stop worrying about other people and start focusing on you. It doesn't take a lot of strength to pick up the phone, to email. You are at a crucial point. You need support. What you are experiencing, as I've said, is your mind controlling you. IF you tell someone the chance to use in the future is diminished. In fact, everything necessary to recover lessens the chances of using in the future and your addicts brain is fighting very, very hard right now to prevent any interruption in the flow of meds. And as Weaver pointed out, you had an opportunity to tell your dealer to go to hell, but you did nothing. Deleting the message was a way to avoid what needed to be done.
Right now my heart goes out to you. You are losing a very important fight; if this continues you will relapse. I don't know what else to say. You aren't listening. You are feeling sorry for yourself and buying your own BS.

[weaver71]

Next time, text back, "I won't ever need anything again, please don't tempt me." I had to talk recovery with my dealer for a couple months before the offers stopped. I was at such a low bottom, I didn't care what anyone thought, I had to be honest for a change. A change is what I needed the most. I finally spilled my guts to everyone I know. I was afraid, but had nothing left to lose. Every single person reached out their arms and offered support. Most had been through it or knew someone personal who had. I may have lost my family without that honesty and humility. A lot of my fear was me judging myself, which I'm great at. Once it was out, my fear left me and I had more support than I felt I deserved. We think our problem is such a huge secret, yet many know something is going on. I was kinda like a smoking gun, and people wondered where the slug hit. When my fantasy was smashed, I finally saw a glimpse of reality. People love us and want to help, but they have to know the problem first. Talk therapy has been my saving grace. Accept the love your people have for you, they deserve it and so do you. That is when the mental part started to heal for me, when I finally got honest with myself and those around me. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of work to do, I figure another 29 1/2 years, that's when my recovery will have progressed as far as my addiction. I have memories from 35 years ago that make me cry, but I am finally growing instead of escaping those experiences. I gave my life to recovery, that's all I have to sacrifice and I barely walked away with a life. The only thing that matters is progress, constant progress, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but it always materializes for those who work for it. A step in the right direction, that's what you're doing, that's progress. Take a chance and do something different for a change. Change has endless opportunity, what's in store for you? I think we'll know soon, just don't fight it.

[smokinggunn]

I understand the sacrifices that have to be made but how do you work up the courage and strength to let everyone in? That is my biggest struggle right now. It is worse than dealing with the hell of WD. I sat here for hours trying to get the strength and courage to reach out to all of my family for support and I just couldn't muster up strength to do it, I wanted to I really did. I feel like such a failure to everyone. It has been hard to even look myself in the mirror. The physical WD I can handle it is the mental I battle I struggle with. The emotions have really turned on like never before. I feel like breaking down and crying for no other reason but to cry. Is this normal? I have been down this road numerous times and never felt more emotional than I am now. I am hoping that this is the last time. I thank everyone that has posted your support and appreciate the harsh truth and reality of the addition. The good new is  I have not had a pill in 92 hours. I even got a text asking if I needed anything and I just deleted it that was a very hard struggle but a step in the right direction

[kme17]

You have to really want to quit before you can quit. You will know when your ready. But you dont sound like your doing it on purpose.

[Dane74]

Hey bud, this is not easy one bit, it is the hardest thing ever to deal with and its a life long battle.  I understand what you mean that this time is different, i was like that too.  For me, i was on and off pills for legit pain, it got more difficult to come off them through the years.  The last few years i tapered down and it was a piece a cake, i had no cravings, it was that easy.  WELL, then this last time was when all hell broke out, and it was hell!!!! I hate to say it but the disease came at me in full force, so i went through the WD and then the real work came into play and i failed miserable, i was not use to the mental part as i never had that problem, but i promise you, this crap comes at ya in full force.  Please do not let pride get in your way, man up and take responsibility and you will be surprised how much support you will receive.

[conhall]

Hey My Friend I sent you a message hope you read it and think about what I said. You can do this I know its hard but you see that each time it gets worse and worse. Last time we had talked about a taper plan or you had someone that held them for you I Know you have legit pain so that makes this even harder. Can your Brother hold your meds for you and give you only as prescribed? Maybe talk your Dr. about alternative meds non narcotic meds.
Each day that you are off the pills it will get easier but when your refill is due what is your plan?