Falling off the wagon for the hundreth time

[smokinggunn]

I feel like I cant break the cycle, am I alone on this feeling?
I go thru this every month seems like. I got my script filled a week or so aga, 140 -10/325 percs. I went thru all of them in six days. This is the fastest that I have gone thru them I am starting to get scared of OD. The person I get them from typically is out and wont re-up until two weeks. So I have no choice in trying to get clean, this would be longest I went without them. The longest was a little over a week and a miserable week it was. I was spending $1000/ month on this poison. I just hope I can stay strong and push thru this addiction. I am on day 3 of being clean fing miserable. Sorry about being all over the place kind of hard to concentrate

[dominosarah]

Easy??  Oh he!! no it wasnt.  I remember laying on the bathroom floor and still not making it in the toilet.....It was the price i had to pay to get those toxins out of my body.  As for being a role model to your brother?  You are, you showed him that reaching out is okay.  Put your pride aside, hold your head up and walk into that meeting~

[kyle505]

Humor helped me get through my days in hell. Let me say it again...My days in hell. My detox a year ago was the most difficult thing that I've ever done. The physical withdrawal knocked me to my knees. The first night I spent on the bathroom floor, cramping, shaking, vomiting. The next days weren't any better. I could go on. And hundreds of us have been through the same, if not worse.
Then, recovery. I told my doc; I'd lied to him for years, so was that easy? Nope. I told my wife and kids. Their father, husband, was an addict. Shame, guilt, feeling very humble. Talk about a role model! Please. Easy? Nope. I went to my first NA meeting. And actually, that wasn't bad. I was so happy to finally be there, and everyone welcomed me.
Anyway, we use humor to deal with detox and recovery. And yes - JUST DO IT. Get off your butt, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop predicting how others will react, stop stalling. You'll be surprised at how many close to you already know that there's something going on; if they don't understand or won't support you, then screw 'em and move on. Your head is still running things. Your posts reflect classic addict reluctance.

[PorVida]

Hang in there man.  Look I should be on Day 9, but I screwed up and went to my doctor with the intention of telling him no more narcs and instead told him I needed to taper off and this was the last script he was to write.  I took a few yesterday then flushed the rest and I am back at Day 1.

Admitting my issues to my family, my doctors and friends was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have a great career, I am a professional.  I have a lot to lose if my reputation is tarnished, but like you I was on the merry go round every month for the last 4-5 years and I realized that if I do not get clean at any expense I am going to lose everything.  Career, wife, property and probably my life from an OD or destroying my organs.

I am a very smart person and I sat myself down and asked myself, how does this end?

1. I can keep going but I am so so miserable, eventually I will get arrested, OD or die of a painful disease from all the abuse I put my body through,

2. I can go to rehab or

3.  I can do it myself and tell my secrets

So looking at the 3 options, being the oldest son, the so called perfect child, the strength and envy of my 5 brothers, the person who literally has never asked for help with anything in my life,  I realized if I chose number 1 or 2, that would hurt everyone I cared for more than I could ever handle.  So I was left with option 3.  In the past I tried alone, tried to keep it a secret, but I always went back.  I asked myself, how would I react if my brother came to me with this issue and the answer was I would do anything I could to help him and would be heartbroken that he didn't come to me earlier because he feared my response.

So this time i quit, I told my family!  The response was the opposite of what I thought, it was empathy and compassion, they couldn't believe I was scared to ask for help. I think they were even a little offended that I wouldn't ask, damn its your family, if they can't help you with the worst thing in your life, who can?   It was the first time I realized showing weakness and humility was in fact something to be proud of.  It showed the ones I love that I too need help and that in and of itself was a huge example to set for my brothers who idolize me.

Then I told my doctors, one of whom is a client and friend, they all congratulated me and said what I was doing was very difficult and that most never can do it.  Finally, I got a therapist, everyone here preached aftercare, so I said what the hell Ill try.  Thinking the therapist would be shocked by my admissions, he was not.  Speaking with him took such a weight off my chest I cannot describe it.

In sum, if you wanna get clean, you have to do everything in your power to stop, this means cutting all sources, getting support and then having the strength to see that there is a different way to live.  

If you do not do these things, you will continue to relapse, ride the merry go round until either number 1 or number 2 happens.  This is not an opinion, it is fact.

We are here to support you.  Without this board, I would not be were I am at today.

[toothfairie]

no, it's def not easy.....55 days clean and still an uphill battle at times....not easy but it gets better...it really does....try not to be discouraged....just hang in there....we want you to succeed!  

[smokinggunn]

You guys make it sound so easy and carefree.  Just do it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with by far. It is very difficult to just  admit to everyone that I am an addict. I do want out just looking for help. Like I said asking my brother to a meeting was excruciating for me   I have always been a role model to him and look at me now wtf

[kyle505]

Meet, fine. Bike, I don't think so.