Falling off the wagon for the hundreth time

[smokinggunn]

I feel like I cant break the cycle, am I alone on this feeling?
I go thru this every month seems like. I got my script filled a week or so aga, 140 -10/325 percs. I went thru all of them in six days. This is the fastest that I have gone thru them I am starting to get scared of OD. The person I get them from typically is out and wont re-up until two weeks. So I have no choice in trying to get clean, this would be longest I went without them. The longest was a little over a week and a miserable week it was. I was spending $1000/ month on this poison. I just hope I can stay strong and push thru this addiction. I am on day 3 of being clean fing miserable. Sorry about being all over the place kind of hard to concentrate

[Bubulous]

It does get worse every time ask anybody.  Something I like to tell people is that your recovery starts the first time you say I want to quit.  Once you admit that there is no stopping it.  It is like being pulled around.  It is like a car that won't start.  You try and try to get it to start but until you get out and look at what it is causing it not to start you will never get it to start.  Perhaps right now it is the battery of your hope that is drained.  That is why you need to keep coming back here.  We can help you charge it and then it is up to you to trial and error what else could be the problem.  When you finally get to the root of the problem you can start it and drive away from the addiction but keeping in mind that a car doesn't run forever.  You will have to do maintenance on it for the rest of your life.  But the longer you are able to drive away from the addiction the harder it will be to catch up with you.

Don't know if that really makes since or not but you get the idea.

[kyle505]

Simple...You will continue to "fall off the wagon" if you have meds available. You will not stay strong; you will not push through the addiction. You have to want to stop, then you have to WORK at it. If this is your 100th time detoxing then you know this already. Your mind is in control. Willpower, strength, believing your a good, deserving person has nothing to do with recovery.
Cut all your sources. Tell your dealer, doc, dentist, pharmacy that you're an addict, or at least an abuser. If you don't - if there is a way for you to get pills - you will relapse. Tell your secret. You need to let loved ones, friends know about your addiction. They will become an important part of your support system. If you don't tell someone your secret, someone you can trust, you will continue to use behind it. And finally, get some sort of aftercare. NA meetings.
I speak from over 15 years of failure; by doing the things I listed above I'm at one year clean. I'm not saying that my way will work for you, but it's something to consider. Bottom line, you are the only one who can do this. Eventually you'll get tired of detoxing, and as you get older they do get harder.

[Missshawn]

You can make it threw this..if you have a$1000 to spend,you must have a wonderful job.. Think about what will happen if you get caught.. Hang I there keep pushing,You got this!!

[smokinggunn]

Thank you all for your support. I do have a great job and am very fortunate. I go to the DR for legit reasons but the abuse has spiraled out of control. What am I supposed to do about my legitment pain? I have look into going to a NA meeting but got cold feet and turned around half way there last night. I feel so lost and out of control and this is not who I am!!! Just who I have become and have to break the cycle. I know this but just dont know how or do know how just a chicken sh*t to make it happen!!!

[blotout]

dang dude thats over 20 pills a day, the tylenol is goin to kill your liver, im surprised you havent already ended up in the hospital, anything over 4,000 mgs of tylenol in a 24 hr period can shut your liver down and possibly kill you, and you are taking like double that, you need to really get some help, you are literally permanently damaging your liver and could cause yourself much pain and agony the rest of your life with or without pills, go to the NA meetings they can help, no one will judge you, please be more careful!!

[smokinggunn]

WOW is all I can say. I never even thought about the damge to my liver from the acetaminophen. I was worried about OD ing. I hope this is the extra motivation that will get me over the hump and get me out of the hell I am in.

[kyle505]

What you can do is tell your doc that you are "concerned" about the tolerance that you've built up re the pills, and ask for help. I'd really suggest that you tell him/her that you're an addict/abuser, but this could be a start. There may be an alternative med that you can get.
Another suggestion; if the pain IS legit, and can't be managed by anything other than percs, then have someone you trust give you the meds per the script. We all may face a time in our lives when the need for pain control is real; there are ways to take pills without abusing them (thanks again to Sarah).
After reading you're last post it's clear that your head is still in control. When I was using, even the thought of quitting made me panic. There will come a time when you can no longer live the way you are right now. You'll know. And hopefully that will happen before you do too much more damage to your body.

[Dane74]

Have you entertained the thought of rehab?  You are taking a ton of pills,  and I'm sorry but OD is around the corner if you continue this madness. With your history of relapse what are you going to do differently this time to make it work?  You have to cut ALL sources and seal ALL the cracks!!!

[dominosarah]

As long as you keep the door open to your supplier you will keep walking thru it.  Your liver wont last much longer if you keep this up either.  Time to get real honest with yourself and others and stop this insanity.  

[smokinggunn]

I really want to. I am on day 3 and pushing thru the misery. I feel too ashamed to let my DR know and my supplier doesn't care they just want all the money I have been htrowing at them. I am a very prideful person and used to be a very strong willed person but that all went to hell in a hand basket. I wish I could take time off to go to rehab but there is no way that can happen. I am not sure what makes this time different it just feels different, kind of hard to explain I guess. The madness has to come to an end and I am the only way that will happen. It seems so much easier this time around for whatever reason. Don't get me wrong it is pure hell but I have been here so many times I know what to expect I guess who knows. It all feels so different. Thanks for all of your posts

[Nighthawk61]

It doesn't sound like your clean so much as you're simply out of pills, and trying to get through the withdrawal, until you can get more, and that makes a huge difference in your sobriety. If your intentions are to stay clean then you need to plan on getting clean, with rehab or some sort, and aftercare. Can you get in to see an addiction's counselor and then plan on NA or AA meetings? Are you drinking, because that often makes it impossible to stay on the straight and narrow? I wish the best and hope that you continue to open up here and get the support that you need. We're all rooting for you to get this right. I've got 13+ years clean and sober, because I did everything that was suggested by those who had walked before in my shoes. Have faith in us, we can help you to achieve long term sobriety too~ Please get used to reaching out, i'm only a message away~ LIz

[BarbRTR]

About Tylenol. They are now in the process of lowering daily to 3000.
Good luck to you.

[kyle505]

I guess your next post will be titled "Falling off the wagon for the 101st time".
You've been given some great advice. Nighthawk makes a great point - recovery vs. out of pills.  And you really need to stop BSing yourself. Coming here and saying that this time feels different, but then being unwilling to do anything that even looks like working at recovery tells a lot about what is really going on. Being ashamed to tell your doc, being a prideful person - all lies that your head is telling and you're listening to.
This is so frustrating. You are on the way to a very dark place, and you refuse to listen to the advise being given because of shame or pride. The physical part of detox is a piece of cake compared to the mental side. You'll get through the withdrawals, feel better, and start all over again.

[smokinggunn]

That is the it has been in the past wanting to quit and it was more like dealing with withdrawls until I can re-up either from DR or dealer. I am hopin I can do it this time. Like I stated before something just feels different this time. I havent had a drink in over a year. I was starting to drink everyday and decided to just quit and havent even wanted one. Just wish the pills were that easy. I will keep posting and hoping for encouragement and feedback. Once again Thank you all for posting and showing support

[smokinggunn]

I have made plans to go the next Narc Anon next wednesday I have aske my brother for help and he offered to take me so there is no backing out now!!! I understand what you all are saying. I have taken the first and second step by admitting it and asking for help from my brother. I feel comitted to kicking it.

[smokinggunn]

Kyle I understand what  you are saying. You are speaking the hard truth and I apreciated it. Comes across kind of harsh but I can take it. I really am trying to do it. kick this damn nasty addiction!!!

[kyle505]

Listen, you (we) are fighting for your health and well being, if not your life, thus the time to candy coat is over. And everything I suggest, everything I talk about I've done. When I do make a suggestion or comment on the lies and BS your addict's brain is handing out, I call on my 15 years of failure as a reference, not my one year of being clean. I know very little about being clean, but I know lots about using, stopping, using, lying, etc.
As a side note, I am also a "recovering" boozer. I haven't had a drink in 28 years, but I found pills right after I stopped drinking so that number really isn't a true tally of my sobriety. And for me, stopping drinking was much easier than stopping pills.
I really am a nice guy (some may disagree); I want you to stop. I don't want you to string this out and look back 15 years from now and say I wish...

[dominosarah]

These are the times when i wish we were all face to face.  You would see the passion in our eyes and hear the caring in our voice.  Kyle and i dont usually hold much back, that is just who we are.  We all want you to fight just as hard as we fight for you to get your life back.

[clean_in_ks]

Well said.....now you have me thinking what a face to face would BE like Hahaha!  I personally think it would be GRAND~

[Andie015]

I'm right behind Kyle with 13 years of failure and agree with him 100 percent, taking so many pills a day my liver hurt. What your saying is you have to make it until you can get a refill...we have all been there... That's not wanting to quit. And you won't ever get clean until you are honest with your doc and yourself. Rehab and total honesty with everyone was my only way out and because I understand the amount of pills you take I also understand what it's going to take for you to get clean and that's rehab. You're in it very deep...you need help to get out.

[clean_in_ks]

Especially if we meet at Kyle's where it's warm and can take turns getting to ride on his new bike LOL

[kyle505]

Meet, fine. Bike, I don't think so.

[smokinggunn]

You guys make it sound so easy and carefree.  Just do it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with by far. It is very difficult to just  admit to everyone that I am an addict. I do want out just looking for help. Like I said asking my brother to a meeting was excruciating for me   I have always been a role model to him and look at me now wtf

[toothfairie]

no, it's def not easy.....55 days clean and still an uphill battle at times....not easy but it gets better...it really does....try not to be discouraged....just hang in there....we want you to succeed!