Dating Oxycontin IV User

[Escrazy]

OK guys I need some advice.  I am dating someone that IV's oxycontin.  It scares me quite a bit.  I am the only person he has told and feel a certain sick pride in that.  Sometimes I think I should cut it loose but, I guess the question is, do you think I am helping him by being there and being someone he can be honest with, or is it just doomed to failure and am I wasting time on someone that will end up hurting me in some way or another?

By the way, he buys them illegally, so no prescription.  Takes 1 or 2 a day-highest dose possible.

[Gpison]

Has he told you that he wants to stop?

[Escrazy]

Yes he has told me he wants to quit.  He has quit in the past before we knew eachother.  He just says that he is in a lot of pain physical and emotional and does not think he can right now?

[BIKERDAD1963]

Just sounds like another excuse. Just tell him that if you want me to stay than you got to quit for me. If he cant do that for you than get out before you are in to deep. To many people too many times have been in your shoes. They think they can change an addict when he doesnt want to quit. An addict will have an excuse why he cant stop everytime. If he doesnt have a reason to quit than he wont. Maybe you can be that reason.

[Escrazy]

I guess I don't see myself as reason enough for him to quit?  We have only been together a short time.  While I certainly don't condone what he is doing, I have been trying to just be there for him.  I dunno, I guess I figure people quit when they are ready not because some woman asks them too?

I think he is making excuses to not quit, but I think the excuses are for him more than for me.  I don't really say much about the addiction other than I care for him and would be happier if he was taking care of himself.  I am conflicted between caring and being unconditional and just bailing because the situation is inconvenient at best.

[Ga Guy]

I'm sorry, but if he's in full blown addiction..then the chances of him quitting "just" for you are nonexistent. It's like hi telling you to stop breathing or he's gone. The last thing he lost, or the next thing he's going to loose has to be more important than the drugs. For most of us, it takes much more than a loved one threatening to leave. You can try threatening to leave, but you must be willing to go and face the consequences if he refuses. His best bet is going to be an inpatient rehab. He'll be surprised at how much physical pain can be alleviated after the opiates are out of his system. It's called opiate induced pain and is very real.

[Escrazy]

I agree, I don't think he would, could or should quite for me.  I just wondered if my being there for him makes a difference?  

[Ga Guy]

It makes a huge difference if he's in recovery. Speaking as an addict myself...when I was in active addiction..I could have cared less.

[whitie]

I think you should try and be there...........the hardest part for me was to tell my friends I've spun out, which I now use as support and they care. him telling you means hes aware hes messed up.

It does not hurt to try and I have not heard you say hes a mean **** or other messed up stuff.

[Escrazy]

He is not mean.  He is a very nice and I know he tries to keep me as far from that part of his life as possible.  Other than talking about it.  I think he is a bit numb emotionally, but he makes a lot of effort to care about what is going on in my life.

I know he was really embarrassed to tell me too, but now that he has he tells me everything.  Sometimes I worry when he tells me he needs some and doesn't have money that he expects me to give him money, but I don't.  I always wonder if he will get mad at me or something, he never does!

I guess for an addict he is pretty respectful and nice...  weird, lol.  I guess that is why I struggle with the thought of not being there for him.

[Gpison]

As GA Guy said, It makes a huge difference in recovery, but right now, I would tend to look at it more like you are enabling him, thats why I asked if he wanted to quit. There is nothing that is "OK" with what he is doing. He is committing a felony on a daily basis. An addict will never keep things in check, they will never care for family, friends or loved ones while they are using. I dont mean to sound so harsh, but you sound like a very nice person and being with a full blown addict will be, not can be, but will be a rough ride and it will most definately force you to make a descision sooner or later.

I wish you the best...

[Escrazy]

Thanks Guys,
I guess I needed to hear that!  It seems harsh to give up on someone but I guess he is giving up on himself.  When you put it into the legal perspective it really hit home for me.  I guess I was overlooking the fact that he is committing a felony every day.  Holy ****!  In regards to him quitting, he has before for a couple of years and started back up recently, in the last year.  Sooo sadly he can quit, and is choosing not to.

It's sad that people put themselves in a situation that makes them unloveable, when they are obviously in pain and seeking some validation, or comfort or something!  I wish I understood it more?  Anyway, Thanks again for taking the time!!!!

[KiaKaha]

If you were married with kids it may be different but....I have to say from my experieince as a wife of a recovering addict...it changes things on so many levels.  You become the carer and the dynamics of the relationship change. Opiates affect intimacy...it'll soon be non-existant. Using it IV he'll need to keep increasing his usage just to combat the withdrawals...it's a horrible thing to watch someone you care about go through.
I had no idea my hubby was using until he told me!!! But he stopped on that day and went on the methadone programme. I don't think I could've stayed knowing he was injecting himself...it broke my heart when I found out but he chose to get clean and I chose to support him and keep our family together.  It was a two way street!!!
There's no doubt he probably is a wonderful guy but he has a disease that at the moment is robbing himself of life and will soon start to rob you too if you stay....
I hope this helps and you take care of YOU :o)

[Escrazy]

Thanks for your insight. You know the intimacy has already started to be affected.  He certainly seems more interested in getting his daily needs met with getting his pills then making time to spend with me.

In a way telling me, seemed to free his conscience from working to keep me. Now that I know it seems like he thinks I have accepted being a lower priority.  It is horrible, now that I see the cycle more clearly but it is really sad to see such a wonderful, kind human being just break themselves down!

I know that we have not been together long enough for our relationship to make a difference to him one way or the other, so I know it is just a matter of walking away.  ***** though......

[avisg]

I agree with what every else has said the one thing that I don't think I saw anyone discuss is your health .IV drug using has a whole other set of issues sharing needles being the biggest there are many serous illness that can come for shared needles. If you are intimate with him plz see your doctor and let them know so they can  make sure you are healthy .If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me .

[Lea7]

i tried for many years and wound up w/my own addiction. Thats my experience. My partners denial was/is tremendous. And for me, I cant stay clean around someone whose using. Again, that is me & not necessrily you. This I know; No addict will stop until they want to for themselves.

[Escrazy]

Well as for safety.  I have been to my doctor after he told me.  Plus, we always used condoms.  He of course said he always uses clean needles.  hmmfff, not sure how believable that is!  Anyway, I am fine thus far, and we have not been gettin' busy since on account of all of this.  As I said initially, it scared the **** outta me!

Luckily, I have never been interested in prescription drugs, nor am I now.  As a teen and young adult I tried all manner of things but wound up being one of the lucky ones that could walk away from any and all forms of drugs or alcohol..  except maybe men in pain (SIGH!), my drug of choice, lol.

I would like to wave a wand and cure everyone from whatever ails them ya know?  The strange thing about him is his candor now. He freely admits all the lengths he is going to, to get pills etc. I am kind of a question junkie, so I have asked him every question known to man about his addiction, he answers everything.

Well I have not spoken to him since yesterday, so I guess I am going through my own withdrawls-Wish me luck, I am gonna try and bow out of the relationship gracefully.  Although, I doubt I will ever not offer him my friendship.  I am just not that kinda girl!!!

[KiaKaha]

Stay strong babe!!! You've now made yourself No.1 and you've made up your mind so stay with it...keep posting here and let us know what's happening and how you are. He'll probably try and tell you all sorts of stuff to make you stay but listen to your heart, stay true to yourself and run for the hills!!! Big hugs to you.XO

[Escrazy]

Well he called last night but I didn't answer, no message though.  Uggghhh this weekend is my birthday so it kinda *****, timing wise.

You know this is such a sad reminder about how so many people are loved, maybe even by people they don't know have those feelings, and just still keep abusing themselves and forcing good people to leave them.

It seems like such a waste of the human spirit-  So for all of you guys and gals out there trying to get clean and having a hard time, remember that there are people out there who love you and want you to be OK!!!!

[Escrazy]

By the way I have not had the courage to actually tell him that I am not going to see him anymore, I have just stopped answering the phone or calling him.  Need a little time to gather my strength.  If he asks me to stay, I just don't know that I could handle it..  Although who knows, maybe it won't matter at all?  Hoping all of this could work out without hurting him more than I know he already hurts himself.

As if relationships aren't hard enough, jeez!

[genesis28_15]

My husband has been hooked off and on for many years just the last 4 years has been really bad.  He began shooting up He has gotten help 3 times now the last time lasted alot longer He went to aa meetings everyday sometimes twice aday.  He went in hospital for it and then had outpatient for a couple of months. Did real good and then one time use started back up again.  He hates having this life.  He is trying now to get in with a doctor to get on suboxin.  He tried that before.  Its better than methodone I think.  But dont give up on him.  Help him to get help for himself.  Get him into church let him know there is help out there.  I'll be praying for him.  Good Luck

[Escrazy]

You know the problem with helping him get help, or asking him to quit or any of it, is that he has quit before, he knows what he needs to do.  Me asking is silly because he is doing what he is doing and I don't think my feelings have any bearing on his actions.

I really care deeply for this man but I don't think someone this dead set on using is going to quit because I ask him too.  It's not like we are married or even have a long serious relationship to contend with.  My feelings are stronger than makes sense but that is sort of just tough luck right now!

My plan is to tell him that I don't think we should date any more (when I work up the gumption).  I will offer him my friendship but from a distance.  Seeing him in person is too difficult because of my feelings for him.  I am not going to take away the only person he has to be honest with, but I know I need to protect myself.  Also, I did not mention it in previous post but I have a child (10) and being a responsible parent is more important to me than trying to help him!

[jt808]

i read over the comments and what u had to say honestly u really kno how he is and how bad u thnk it is, BUT i do have to tell u somethn from experience it may not hold true to him but im guessing if not now eventuaklly it will haoppan and that is if he is iv'ing oxies whicha re expensive esp  on the street that one day he will either a. not have the cash to buy tham or b. not be able to get high off em, than come the next BIG problem and that is HEROIN is the next step i have seen it soooooooooooooo much esp. wth iv users cuz its so cheap to get that instead of oxies and u get higher so honestl;y watch out for u and if u wana be there for him thts great but seriously dont get too attached id say stay friends and see how tht goes cuz u saiod he just started using again recently si he hasnt been totlay at it for log time yet since he quite last time so just wait till he gets bad and belive me if he doesnt quit ehe will get worse and quite possibly move onto heroin alota people do sorry to say. good luck

[KiaKaha]

You are a very sensible girl! Self preservation is priority in your situation...it's a safety issue for you and your child. Thinking of you and have a wonderful birthday this weekend XO

[Escrazy]

I have actually heard that before, from him.  He seems to be a bit of a snob when it comes to Heroin.  He seems to be pretty good at figuring out how to get money every day.  I am starting to think that maybe there are some other women that I don't know about footing the bill.  He has never asked me for cash but he always lets me know loud and clear when he is hurting.  He is a very intelligent guy and very charming, so it would make sense.

I don't think he is above resorting to heroin but for now he thinks he never would..  Not sure if he did it in the past but seems content with his oxies at this point!!!!

I gotta admit that his intelligence is intriguing, but I know that he will worm his way deeper into my heart and probably into my wallet, if I don't stop it now.

[Escrazy]

Thanks for the Birthday wishes, I believe I will spend it reading Co Dependent no more, and women who love too much and the Alanon book and maybe some chicken soup for the soul and any other self help tome I can get my hands on.  There should be a book called women who love men who love oxies, lol.......

Well at least I have my sanity and sense of humor to get me through being along on my 37th b day....  uuuuugggggghhhhh almost forty and still making classic blunders!  I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!!!

[jt808]

well thts good, but trust like i said i dont kjno this man but ive heard and seen many people say they wounjdt do heroin and this and that and well lets just say many many people who say tht they would never touch the stuff when it come down to it when ur hurting really bad and thts all there is sometimes all it takes is one moment of weakness for his and ur sake im hoping it never happans but just reconize tht many times it can and does. even to very strong successful good people just get caught up in it. happy b-day

[jt808]

and one last thng if u dont mind me asking a kinda personal Qs im curious as to how long u two have been dating if u wouldnt mind.

[Escrazy]

OK personal question-around 4 months.  I agree by the way that no one is above resorting to getting their needs met however they can (Heroin).  Just relating what he has told me.  

I spoke to him last night by the way.  Asked him if he liked his life.  He said no?  Asked him if he wanted to change it and he said yes.  I didn't ask him to stop or anything, I just wondered how he felt about what he does, and the lifestyle that goes along with it.

I feel like just talking to him and asking about his feelings is probably a better route than making any demands on him?  I know that I cannot involve myself with his lifestyle, but god help me I still want to be there for him too.  Does that seem naive to believe that having a friendship that is honest can help him, or is that just my needs getting in the way of cutting him lose and being smart?

[jt808]

honestly i cant answer that thts up to u to find the answer out for urself, either way i thnk the route u took was a very good way to do it and not threating just nice way to show u care and are there and willing to talk and so on, so i really liked way u handled that situation. so what do u feel like u should do cuz only u can tell ya kno.

[Escrazy]

It goes against my better judgement to have someone in my life with these issues, even as a friend.  I feel like the longer I stay involved on any level the more I will care, and the more I care the more potential damage.  I still feel like he is a worthwhile person, and don't think just writing someone off because of their issues is my first choice but jeez it seems like such a fragile balancing act to keep him, my sanity and my kid's safety all in balance.  Do I really want to work that hard for someone that may or may not want to work that hard too?

[Escrazy]

OK guys,
I saw him on my birthday...  we had a great day and then he fell asleep on the couch and I was in my room on the phone so I wouldn't disturb him, and low and behold I walk into the living room and he was gone!!!  Vanished! Poof! Straight Dissapeared!

When I texted him he said he had an emergency of the most serious kind..  Something that if he is lying about would make him the most dispicable kind of person. His phone is due to be turned off in the next day or two, so lord knows if I will ever see him again?

Weird huh?  Made a point to see me, be awesome and then bam.  Any of you care to venture a guess.  By the way he had **** with him so he wasn't cringin' or anything....  I'll tell ya the only thing that fits is that there really was an emergency and he lost it, or he lost it a long time ago and is a straight nutburger!!!!!!

[subpop200]

I unlike other people don't think you need to get out of his life.  If you do, I fear that the only person that is there for him will be gone and he will just be depressed and do something stupid.  You should still be his friend.  I think it's selfish to just look out for your own safety...you are sober and you are stronger than that and people like him need someone strong.  According to my morals and values, I don't understand how someone could just say leave him for your own safety.  If I were to leave my girl for my own safety because she was doing something bad...I would feel like a bad person.  Be there for him please.  If not for him for your own self of morals.  I'm not preaching God here or anything, I'm just preaching being a good human being.  You should simply change one thing...BE STERN WITH HIM.  Being nice about telling someone to stop won't work.  In fact, in a certain part of Russia there is a rehab program that has a 99% success rate...they simply get the person that is addicted, lock them up make them go cold turkey and beat them every day so when they get off and are totally sober...the idea of being beaten up conditions them not to do opiates and boy does it work.  You need to have some tough love.  Threaten to call the police or something...anything that will scare him into wanting to change.  Tell him he's a ***** or something for making excuses becuase he is a man that should be there playing the role of protecting and being strong for his woman...not the other way around.  He is a coward...but you need to make him feel bad about it and be there for him.  As a good person, I'm telling you this.  I wouldn't feel like quitting myself if it wasn't for the people I love and if they were gone...I would be a thousand times more inclined to use drugs.  That's a fact.  

[Escrazy]

Wow totally different perspective there.  I don't dissagree. I do feel like leaving him and not being there for him is not right but I struggle wondering if by being there I am really helping him?  Seems like so many people say that they could give a **** less about the people that care about them when they are using.  There are things that bother me, like him being secretive, and dissapearing and **** but overall he always seems like he cares about me and what's going on in my life.

[Escrazy]

I asked him last night to come clean with me about some stuff and he did.  Seems like if I ask him a direct question he tells me the truth.  He has never asked to move in with me, as a matter of fact basically told me he wouldn't unless he knew he was in love with me.  It's weird to me that someone has that much forethought, and is totally drugged out?  Uggghhh life is nothing if not confusing..............

[SensibleInSarnia]

Run like hell.

[subpop200]

Well if you yourself don't think you are strong enough to help him then you shouldn't.  I know if it were me i would but that's because I'm a very assertive/aggressive person so I'm very stern with people I care about for their own sake.  You should try this approach and see if it works first if not, then maybe you should move on.  But don't give up yet...be a friend at least.  You don't have to date him....in fact I don't think you should but being a friend, I see no reason why not.  You can help him in that way.  You really have to learn to be stern and assertive with him though if you want him to change.  Don't take his excuses...make him feel guilty, mess with his mind a little so he truly feels like a douche for doing what he is doing.  Tough love like I said buddy.  No one is truly numbed out on drugs enough not to care...trust me I know.  There is always love in a person even when it seems like there isn't.  

[Escrazy]

Ok well there has been some progress.  He bought someone's methadone prescription.  Not sure if it is good or bad but he said he is gonna try and get out of the daily cycle of gettin' the oxy's and what not.  Plus no shooting so that is good.

We spent a little time together last night.  He seemed a little more connected.  I plan on staying his friend.  As for dating, I dunno if he continues with some progress forward then I won't blow him off.  If he goes back to oxy's then it will be dead in the water.  Strangely, I never asked him to quit, I just asked him what his plans for his life were and let him talk.  

I am aggressive in my questioning of him.  I ask everything that I want to know.  No holds barred.  He get's uncomfortable sometimes but he still answers.  He knows how seriously I take my life, and I try to be a good example of how a person should act.  

We'll see-so I would ask that you all keep him in your prayers.   He sure needs them!

[whitie]

ah........thats not a good idea. people that sometimes start taking methadone,that dont understand how it works, may end up od'ing. its a very strong opioid that should be studied well before taking. many people have died by suddenly trying methadone off the street.

he better watch out. he needs to see a doc...........or make a serious decision to get off the opioids with out  using some ones methadone script. hes better off going tapering or going ct. or better yet SEE A DOC !!

[Escrazy]

He runs his own business.  No he does not just come around at night for sex.  Holy **** I am not that pathetic!  We do not live together though.

He calls to see me, we hang out for the day or evening and stuff.  Actually, I would say it is less sex than I would like.  I lord did I just admit over the internet that I am horny all the time?  lol

The benefits of being in my late thirties!

As for the Methadone.  He has quit before under a doctors supervision.  So I guess he thinks he is not flying blind.  Not sure if this is just maintenance or if he is planning to taper off?

[Escrazy]

I agree that I am number two.  I did not take offense and appreciate your concern for my well being.  I guess I am walking a very thin line here.  So you decided to get married while you were still using.  So your fiance was with you when you were actively using?

You said yourself that if not for love you would not have quit.  How then does someone know they are loved if you run like hell.  I do not contribute money to his problem.  I do not involve myself in any of his dealings.  I offer him an ear and a heart.  He has never stolen from me, been abusive in any way and has certainly been caring and non-judgemental within the confines of our relationship.

I cannot defend his actions, and I certainly want him to quit.  I have boundaries that if crossed will result in our relationship ending on every level.  I do think that there is a possibility of my being hurt-probably more than just a possbility.

[Escrazy]

Well let's see.  He started on his own Methadone Program. Illegally of course.  Then he ran out day before yesterday and went right back to Oxy.  He moved and is now living closer to me, so we have seen a bit more of each other. He was doing better with the Methadone at least not having to get money daily for his habit and none of the mood swings and such..  I dunno he refuses to go to the doctor and get on a set program.  He sounded awful yesterday in the worst of it.  Crying on and off all day.  He would not even talk to me on the phone only text cause he was such a mess.  Very sad!

I have decided to stick it out with him (at much as I can), but when he is going through this, I kind of back off for fear of him asking me for money.  I will have to deny him and it would make me feel awful to have him ask and to have to say no.  His new place is awful, uggghhh I did not go inside but the Outside is decrepit, I can only imagine what it looks like inside.  It breaks my heart thinking of him living in that kind of squalor.

In the meantime, I got asked out on a date by a guy that is opposite in every way.  I have decided to go. I feel like I cannot stop looking for what I need.  I do feel a bit guilty though?

[Axl_0113]

hmmmm....

You said you are going to stick it out with him.....but you are going on a date with another guy?  

Not judging....just thought that was funny.

You know- I'm sure you have heard the saying...."you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink".  Well...it holds true in your situation.  You cannot help someone who is not ready to help himself.  If you are sure about "sticking it out with him" then I would be relentless in your damands that he get help.  I'm not so sure he realizes how close he is to losing you.

[Escrazy]

OK Guys well here is how things went down.  He got all serious and started telling me that he loved me and stuff.  Then he said he wanted to get help!  Well then he asked me to give him  ride to a friends house-Guess what that was?  He bailed on me in a bad area with no cell phone, and running out of gas.

No call til the next day!  Then he said he got beat up, and that his drug dealers said I helped them get to him.  I don't even know them!  Then he said he wanted to go into rehab and needed help paying for the meds and food while he was inpatient.

I asked for the name of the place.  He said I could fill out a money order and that I could look them up in the phone book to verify their existence.  I did, except that I called them too and guess what they only service people under 18.  My guess is that he knows someone who works there. So he was totally trying to get $150 out of me.  When I texted him and asked for an address of where I could go and a contact name to speak with he stopped calling me.  I have not heard from him since yesterday.

So as for sticking it out-I tried!  I wanted to at least be his friend and help, but in the end he tried to screw me out of money.  Thankfully (because of your advice), I knew what to look out for and avoided it.

As for the other guy-Very nice, I had a great date and I am glad I went. So I will continue with the nice guy and I guess I have no choice but to give up on the other.  I texted him and told him that if he wanted to be honest with me, and get help that I would be there for him.  So in the end I suppose the story ended fairly typically-Sad Though!

[whitie]

sad, very sad.

maybe one of these days he will get serious.

needless to say hes now comming off as a future satistic, I am sorry to say.....

[Holliee]

I am happy to hear that you meet a really nice guy and that you didn't get took for your money you don't deserve that. Hopefully he will get the help he needs. YOu need to move on and be happy. (not being mean but you don't deserve all that ****) and you did try your best did a lot more than most.

[Escrazy]

Well guys after all of that happened.  I had not heard from him, and I texted him to make sure he was alive?  A friend had his phone and said that he went to rehab.  He read me a letter that he wrote to me on his way.  Telling me how much he loved me, and that he didn't want to keep being the same kind of person.  It was a pretty damn heartwrenching letter.  He has been there for a week and has access to a phone tonight.  So we shall see if he calls me.

Nice guy is still in the mix.  Not sure where all of this is going?  I gotta say that hearing that letter sure threw me for a loop.  I hate that I have so many feelings for someone that has the potential to hurt me so much.  

I really never figured he would go to rehab.  Honestly, I am not at all convinced he is really there.  Until I can visit him and see it for myself I still don't. I feel mean being so skeptical of him.  I just know I am on the defense now!