yesterday should have been one year..

[refusingbondage]

Yesterday (9/2/09) should have made ONE YEAR clean for me.  If I counted the years on Suboxone, it should have been many years clean.   Personally, now being off Suboxone since September 2, 2008 (can someone give me a Hallelujah!) I do not count that time on the Suboxone ‘clean’ but that’s my personal thing.

*SIGH*

Unfortunately I cannot say I even have a year clean.  Right now, I cannot even say one day.
Those who know story might recall my VERY minor relapse back in Dec/Jan.  Tripped, fell, and sprang back up without batting an eyelash.

Now I have fallen down again and I’m finding increasingly difficult to get my a*s*s off the floor.  I am not out of control, but have been at about (2) 7.5 Vicoprofen a day (morning/night).  Not a big deal by my standards, but I am having such a HARD time giving it up.  It’s been about 2-3 months steady.  It started, like it always does, weekends ONLY.  Then “what the he11 how about a Monday -- we all hate Mondays.”  Then it was 1 per day.  I have held steady at 2 per day.  

They literally exhaust me. I remember how physically FANTASTIC I felt after detox being 100% clean.. A feeling I can still smell in the air and taste on my tongue.  The word is: healthy.  Actually feeling healthy - what a great place to be in life.  Non-addicts or normal people have no idea how an addict like myself can RELISH feeling ‘healthy.’  It was like being given fresh air after living underwater for years.  When I am using, I feel a physical, emotional and spiritual sense of dying.  Rotting and withering away a little at a time.  

Anyway.  It is ridiculous how I will accept feeling yucky ALL DAY just to get 5 minutes, LITERALLY 5 minutes, of a less then slight buzz in the morning.  It’s so stupid.  It makes no sense.  It’s crazy, backwards, confusing, disgusting, pathetic, irrational and almost laughable.  It’s addiction.  I hate taking them.  I hate feeling tired and crappy all day but I do it anyway and I am having a hard time setting a date to stop.

I don’t think I will have any major withdrawal.  Though I do expect some minor withdrawal.  My brain bonds to the opiate so strongly and quickly, I know I will feel bla for a few days.  I’m not afraid of that.  I am looking forward to feeling HEALTHY again.  I just have not been able to pick a day yet.  It’s really stupid.    I HATE being an addict.

Keep fighting fellow addicts.  Much love, respect and admiration to you all.

[10356]

Hey refusingbondage Congrats for getting of the Sub :) I was Happy to read you picked a quit date and I loved how you put being clean as Feeling Healthy.. that is so very true that Healthy feeling is Wonderful.. You do give such great advice and are such a stead fast support to many.. I hope you apply it to yourself and find what you are looking for within.. and yes definitely let us know how you are doing.. You can do this just remember to get outside as much as you can..  be kind to yourself.. lesa

[worried878]

I hope that things r looking up for u at this time r2r...pm me whenever u need to..pleez stay in touch...let us know ur progress...love and hugs//tons of hugs ur way and i wish u were close enuf to feel them..so i am sending those hugs via internet...and maybe u will feel them somehow

keep us posted

[Cassie415]

hey just wanted to say thanks for posting this. It was really honest and real and i understand so much how u feel. I am so frsutrated as well, have relapsed so many times, and like u i feel like im rotting away when i use. i absolutly hate myself when im on oxycontin, and am not healthy at all. but i still keep going back to it. I really understand what you're saying in your post, i felt like you were in my own head writing what i was thinking lol. I just had almost a month clean and was feeling so good and healthy as you said--i was rly sick before i last stopped (self induced)--and loved that feeling of waking up actually feeling good. I hope you find the strength to pick a day and decide to stop. I know you can do it, youll be in my thoughts, and i wish you the best!!

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

Ain't it the TRUTH that it's:

"JUST NOT FUN ANY MORE"?!?!?!?  (I love that statement!)

Plus. I'm finding that after 34 days CLEAN ... (off of a 8-10 Norco habit a day x's 3 years And... I DO count my days clean)
that EVERYDAY THAT I DON'T USE IS A BETTER DAY THAN WHEN I DO!
Yipee ya Who!
Hang in there sweet pea.... you CAN and MUST do this... It will SAVE YOUR LIFE & YOUR LIFE IS WORTH SAVING!

And.,,,, keep on postin' cus we all love ya and care about ya more than you'll ever know

[refusingbondage]

Thank you thank you thank you-- again and again. You are all special.  The root of the problem--No clue.  Is my life stressful?  Sure.  But no more or less than the next girl or guy.  I think it runs much deeper that that with me. It's nothing outside of me or external.  I believe it is within me.  Some deep rooted self-hate or something.. Which is weird cause I LOVE ME. LOL. But there are certainly things I gotta figure out.  LONG TERM INTENSIVE THERAPY HERE I COME.  That psychologist will earn his money, that's for sure.

[worried878]

u aint gonna go down!  I know this..i feel it in my bones...why is it that u keep falling...how is ur health?  I know u had some issues with ur health in the past yr or 2

a 15 mg a day habit for us is not nuttin girl...u r catching it now and u r at the point where those lil puppies have turned on u/they turned on u a long time ago/u just forgot for a second..or a month/or whatever/but u remeber now...it will never be like it was at the beginning for us..it just aint no fun anymore

u know i am always here for u girl..u r special to me..it is ard for the "oldies' on here to watch each other go down...it is like when someone close to u dies u feel ur own mortality...i am glad u let us know because it will keep all us alltimers on our toes....relapse is 1 pill away///always//and it will never change for us///but u have the know how to pull thru this//u know u do...keping this down to 15 mgs a day for this long is amazing...u have more stength than most of us here/most woula esculated to their old dose or even higher...without even knowing u have been fighting this..u will not let this take over ur life again...cos i will personally come find u and whip ur rear end!  LOL...no way...u aint going there girl...and u know that..keep us posted..flush what u have left..and move forward

[leeisgettingclean]

your story is inspiring, with the whole getting off subs and all, its kinda like a movie that ends and you just know there will be a part two, because there was not a real ending, this is not the end for you. You are ahead of most, you know what to do, you have done it before, and you have been threw worse, you just have to do it. I do think starting couseling and stuff is important from the start. I had 10 days(the most ever, altough my first time ever really tryin to quit) with nothing but "wanting" to be clean, and i failed, this time i started aftercare right away and feel 100% better about my progress. Good luck to you, and just like everyone else said, find out what the root of all this is. You be fine before you know it! Your user name says it all.

[candothis247]

oh yea, and congrats on getting off suboxone and thanks for suggesting I not use it to get off oxys and great that you're tapering off and have a quit date. You totally believe you can do this

hugs

[candothis247]

Hey girrrrrrrl  

You just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get in the boat with us. “the survival boat”  You have been the most wonderful support for me and really got me thru my 1st 2 weeks when I was quitting oxys, I will never forget that --- you totally saved my a s s. It goes to show you, we all just a pill away from where we started. Welcome back. I am here for you as we all are. I got 62 days off oxys now and I gotta thank you so much. Oh yea I know eggs act ley what you’re saying in your post “tired all day” for a 5 minute buzz…… so not worth it. I’m so glad you’re coming clean and nipping it in bud. Life is sooooooooooo much better, being awake and present in the moment. I wish the best for you. You’re a great person!

[freebird227]

Surrender To Win....What a concept. I see the problem as you know the drill, you know how to put the pills down, but are you willing? Most addicts unless they are suffering don't usually gest quit.
You may not be in full blown relaspe by your standards but give it time. Your disease ( if like mine) is patiently waiting for you to really slip up and then it's game on....you will no longer have a choice.
If you're not willing and want to quit ...then pray for the willingness to quit.
I hope you make the right choices..while you still can   much love,      Debra.              ...I am an addict

[dominosarah]

Dont worry about the wd's......figure out why you are using.  We are all in this together and we will be here for you every step of the way.       sara

[refusingbondage]

Corey - well I see we are doing this together now.  I am thinking Sunday will be my quit date.   I will try to go down to 1/day until then.  I know one thing for sure -- no matter how bad wds are this time they wont be anything like the sub wd... that keeps me smiling.. You are so right in all you said.  We know it all.  We just have to live it.  As stupid as it sounds I wish I could have a brain transplant and be normal. Being an addict is a shi*tty hand to be dealt.  Glad you are back on track - I will be right behind you.. Much love and blessings.

[addict3]

You have given good advice to alot of people, follow it for you.

Set the quit date for tomorrow A.M. and get healthy!!!!!

Good Luck, you know you can do this! Plenty of help here to keep you straight.

Hallelujah!!!!...

[corey411]

Hey girl, I woulda had a year in  less than 3 weeks. We kinda started getting clean at the same time and here we go again. Like you I didn't let it get too out of hand and kept my dosage low for a shorter time.....but it happened twice so this wd has not been as bad but still low energy, some depression and loss of sleep. I keep telling myself that I wasn't really using more than a regular person does and I'm pretending that my wds won't be as bad and there not. The power of the mind lol. Thing we have to learn is taking even 1 for the wrong reason is out of control for us. Everytime we do that it overpowers us again. I know that it's not easy but try to get back up.You know for a fact it gets better and that helped me a lot. We need to figure out why we are doing this. I hope your wds are a lot easier this time around. God bless, Corey

[refusingbondage]

Thanks guys.  Thing is I KNOW I have to get to the root - I preach it. I mean it when I advise it.  But its like the saying "those who cant do teach."  I always procrastinate.  I have a lot of things to work on I guess.  Like I've said a million times and promised myself a gazillion times, I really need to start meeting with a therapist who specializes in addiction.  This time I mean it though.  Many things to work on.  Thank you all again.  It felt so good to say it and let the secret out.  Thanks again.

PS - Eagle dont threaten me with the skydiving.. I might have a skydiving induced panic attack. LOL .. though it might be good to face that fear head on.. But I think I would start with something a little less likely to give me a heart attack.. lol.

[whitie]

we all have been there. I went CT about 20 times, and always wound up getting back in the same old sinking ship,over and over.

the good news is you know you can do it.......you have done it before. just gotta do it again.

I can totally relate with your story.  I have been waking up feeling like a million dollars every morning. its been 5 years since I felt this good. you know it will be worth it !!

[avisg]

dust yourself off and get up again you know the longer you go the harder it going to be when you do go off them .You are such a great member you have helped so many its time to get to the root of why you started to use again ,know we will be here to help you just like you have helped others
avis

[beatingthis]

Ahhh, Time to start again. Oh and HALLEUJAH!!!! Wow don't want to forget that.

You are stronger then you think you are!

Terry

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

You BETTER start behaving yourself or we will go skydiving like I offerred!!  And you said you dont know why people would want to do that.  I relate to your perspective on an addict entirely. The things leave you feeling so trashed. Why would people want to do that?  Since we dont know ourselves it will be hard to explain to someone else..............     Oh yeah!!  have a huge hallelujah!!!!!   You are strong and you will get that date set.

[IBKleen]

It is not the amount you are taking, but the REASONS why you are taking them.

As addicts we take drugs to make us feel good or to not feel at all. When we finally get to the core of the issues and put the drugs down, recovery begins.

I hope that you can do just that and find a way to stop the insanity. Glad to see you are here and being honest. Now take the next big step....

[BIKERDAD1963]

Oh refusing. I read your posting and i want to cry for you. After my first relapse I was devastated. I know how you feel. You have helped so many people here and I know you can help yourself. If you could just follow your own advice you can make it. We all no how this addiction takes over and controls your life. We all no it is so difficult to get clean and stay clean. Please pick a date soon and move on. Sometimes you have to trip all the way but eventually you get to where you are going.