Slipped again... Do I really want sobriety??

[M_DuBb22]

SOme of you have read my occasional thread here in there in the past few years. I'm almost 21. 3rd in college with hardly any progress, largely caused by my poor choice of friends in high/middle school (the "stoner" croud) with my priorities (of wanting to be stoned ALL the time) all messed up, in my opinion. I don't know why i want to feel high all the time but I can't deny it, maybe because of my mother's death when I was 11. I am really smart and have a great personality, I could have been one of the popular succesful kids. I got along with all "groups", did "good" in class and was well rounded in high school and had lots of hot girls and popular kids that were my friends, but my priorities of getting high started getting in the way.

By early college I was up to over 100mg of oxy, hydrocodone, dilaudid, or whatever opiate. Sometimes I'll have my "tramadol spells", geting into trams and thinking its ok because its "synthetic".

This time, I was taking about 50-80mg of hydrocodone or oxycontin, 2mg of suboxone, 250mg of tramadol, 20mg of opana, or a mix of these (minus sub) daily. I switched from opiates to just tramadol for a couple weeks, now im on DAY 2 COLD TURKEY off about 250-300mg a day of tramadol. MY SENSITIVITY TO THE COLD, anxiety, crawling skin, DEPRESSION, restlessness, and SLEEPlessness, and boredom is REALLY bothering me..

I honestly don't know if I really want to get clean at this point or if I should find a script for trams or sub to just feel "normal". I'm still smoking pot but it doesn't help much in the first couple days of w/d, but does afterward. WHAT THE **** IS MY PROBLEM :(

[M_DuBb22]

So i had the meeting with my dean. was nervous and very stressed but I was honest and he shockingly appealed my dismissal, which is great!! But I have to pay my school $3000 within 3 days to register in time for classes next week. I lost my aid but I'm hoping after a good semester I'll get it back.

I'm on intensive probation, need at least a C in everyone of my classes, need tutoring/counciling, appointments with my dean/advisor, ect... Which will help me stay on track which is good

As for sobriety, I've been taking about 1-2mg of the new suboxone film, once daily when I wake up. Sadly, I'm not on a program but I do attend meetings when I have time, so I'm getting the subs from a friend for 15 a piece. my school has to be my main priority right now

[laurel453]

I wish all the luck with your school and life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :) i don't know how the system works there so i can not help you but i wanted to say  GOOD LUCK !!!

[Dav125]

Thats a tough one..Yhey've got their rules as my oldest is receiving aid which is subject to holding a certain GPA. Appealing to the Dean is probably your best course of action. If he see's where your medical leave, if excusable, had not been considered, he might give you a second shot at it...I can't think of any other approach to take at present not knowing the full parameters of the provisions of the aid packages where your in school..If you have any of the fine print paperwork that sets the terms of aid, you may want to read it closely and see if you spot any "exception rules" they may have which describe what happens if this or that happens...Best of luck with this. Whatever happens, don't let the stressing become a reason to backtrack on your sobriety..Forward is the only way to go regardless of the outcome of this situation....

[M_DuBb22]

i know it doesn't have to do with recovery, but can anybody offer advice on my schooling after reading my most recent post above?? thanks

[M_DuBb22]

Back again.. So I found out at the end of my last semester to my surprise that I passed all my classes, so I THOUGHT everything would be fine, I'd get my financial aid back and be aloud off academic probation.. WRONG

A few weeks later, between Christmas/New Years, I got a letter from my college stating that I have been "academically dismissed", due to failure of getting my OVERALL GPA above a specified level. I don't think my medical leave from the semester before was even considered, and I've lost my financial aid FOR GOOD I think and can't even re-apply for this university for a year..

This was devastating news. I was very depressed for a few days, but than decided to schedule an appointment for an appeal with my dean, which is after this weekend. In the meantime, I've been busy trying to get into COMMUNITY COLLEGE for the next Spring semester. This has been very hard, because I've had about 2 weeks to try to get into the community college since I heard I got kicked out of the university.

It's a downgrade, but I just need to get my high school transcripts, medical records, talk to an advisor, schedule classes, try to get financial aid, and somehow get my college transcripts before the 18th (10 days)!!!!! :o
..........I can't get my college transcripts because I owe my university over $3000 for the past semester since I lost my aid, and have no way to pay that and get them before the 18th. I'm in big trouble but I'm trying my best so theres nothing really more I can do

As for sobriety, I have been using soboxone for about the past month to ween down. I will keep updated.. Wish me luck with school and life :/

[gnarly_1]

HI...I know you said you have been to both A/A and N/A but have you ever worked the 12 step program theres more to N/A then just sitting there lissining to the meeting thats all good dont get me wrong but the real groth comes from working the 12step program we need to dig down to the root of why you keep using b/4 it kills you.........Gnarly

[M_DuBb22]

il be back in about a week :/

[jeffclowns]

well i wish you the best and hope you do really decide to give up those little devil pills i really do.god bless you .jeff.

[Nicole1105]

We've all been there. Making excuses for why we can't quit now. I don't want to sound harsh because believe me, I've been there done that. "Oh I'll quit next week." "This just isn't the right time to quit." Blah blah blah. Truth is, it's never the right time to quit. You just gotta do it.

A very wise person has said "One is too many and 1,000 isn't enough." Think about that. Best of luck to you and remember we'll always be here for you.  

[M_DuBb22]

Thanks for the support guys.. I'm sorry to say I gave in today. I woke up late to a huge snowstorm. I didn't feel right mentally, but honestly almost normal physically.. The snow storm made me late to my first class, but the slow drive there in the intense snow was actually really cool and a fun ride with music, perked up the start of my day. I noticed while walking to class in the snow that I was happy and didn't feel cold or any other withdrawal symptoms and thought they might be over!! :D

WRONG!! Once I got to class and sat down for a few minutes, the anxiety, crawling skin, cold/hot sweats, cold feeling, and other w/d symptoms kicked in FULL FORCE. My councelor was late to the meeting and I was w/ding very bad waiting and during the meeting. My little brothers friend texted me during the meeting and said he could give me a bunch of free Ultracet (37.5mg Tramadol/ Tylonal mix). I got 20 of them and popped 3 right away (113mg)

The w/d's are subsiding.. I started panicing when the trams first kicked in because I just threw away 3 days of being CLEAN and have to start all over. But I can't feel like this during my last 2 weeks of classes/exams.. Once I start break in about 10days I'll get clean for good, don't have connects for steady opiates/suboxone/tramadol anyways..

I know it sounds like excuses and denial, but I just can't feel like this and keep detoxing in this final week of exams/classes for college. Please forgive me and keep the support and advice coming

[IBKleen]

Glad to see you are still here. I know it is hard but please hang in there. How about tonight at your meeting, you talk with someone. Ask them if they will talk with you after the meeting..maybe even go for a cup of coffee. Get a phone number, or several. Start building a support group so when you are having thoughts or feeling like you can't do this, you can call someone.

You have come this far to get clean, now take it a step further. You say you can't do treatment or counseling so it seems meetings are your only choice. If that is the case, then use it all you can.

Please hang in there. Maybe being at school and getting your mind off of the withdrawal will actually help you. Let us know how you are later.

[PipPip1234]

My thoughts are with you, Its not the best situation, being at work/college etc... While your withdrawing but it can be done, I know what you mean about the weather too, here in the UK the snow has come down crazy, also not good while withdrawing but you are 20 & have the world in front of you, Im 21 & had to go to work while withdrawing so I can kinda see things through your eyes. Ive also often asked myself if I really want to quit but I do, I have dreams, do you? If you do, thats what you should think of everytime you get a craving and when your withdrawing. Good for it & good luck!

[ang_811]

u just need to get a taste of the sober life..once u get it ur gonna think..what the he!! was i thinking?..start going to some meetings and surround urslef with positive people, people who dont use, people who understand ur disease..it will help u out more then u know..make ur recovery no. 1..do whatever neeeds to be done to make sure u dont pick up again..ill tell u something a freind of mine on here once told me..pick up again and u might not make it back..that has stuck with me. ...keep fighting and dont give up..remember what ur fighting for..keep posting for support.... Angie♥

[throwindatowl]

YOu want it and youll get it. I wondered why I liked to be high all the time as well. Was it because my  step dad loved my sister more than me? Probably NOT. It was because I had a problem. It was because I liked the feeling of being high. It was because I was an addict. I know we all have reasons to use. You have legit reasons. You dont need pills and its awesome to see youre doing the right thing. Relapse is part of quiting. Its an important step so beat yourself up over it ok,Just never give up on yourself.

[M_DuBb22]

No sleep yet. Gonna be a rough day tommorow, waking up in 3-4 hours to dig my car out of the snow to drive to the city for college. To sit in class all day and suffer w/ds, than a meeting and a bunch of other crap to do.. Wish I was detoxing in a couple weeks when I'm done with classes for winter

Think I might finally be able to sleep.. I hope tommorows not to bad :(

[Storme]

Hi! Glad to read you are still fighting the good fight. Keep going. You did it before and you know what to expect. The Thomas Recipe was a big help for me as was Hylands Restful Legs for my twitchiness and anxiety. You know being clean is going to make things so much better in your life and I am hoping that since you have been down this road before, that this time will be your last. Why keep putting yourself through this? You are young and bright and you have so much more to gain from being sober and doing something smart with your life. Do NOT waste it on a high my friend. You can do this!

[M_DuBb22]

thanks for the advice and support all i REALLY appreciate it.. ive done all kinds of aftercare besides inpatient/rehab.. i did outpatient and graduated and did very good sober for those 7 months and was doing better than ever in my life, than I got off drug court (like probation but worse) and fell apart, even worse..

Ive done the NA/AA, everything. I don't have the time or money for inpatient or outpatient or else I would definatly do outpatient again or get a councelor or therapist..

I just need to get through these withdrawals tommorow.. Todays the end of DAY 2. Hopefully I can get SOME sleep. Tommorows going to suck, have classes, an exam, a meeting with my college councelor (going to feel and look like crap), and its extremely cold/snowy/windy out to help with my goosebumps, coldness, crawling skin, discomfort, and anxiety..

Probably going to get some stuff from the Thomas Recipe before, already been taking some multi-vitamins, drinking juice, eating good, and taking asprin/tylonal.. Never tried the FULL Thomas Recipe, figure this is the first time I'm quitting opiates and NOT BROKE $$ so I'll go all out to feel better..

Keep the support and especially the ADVICE coming and pray for me all :/
...You don't know how much it means to me

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude.....good to see you back....wish it where on better terms...sorry to here you relapsed....your young you'll make it threw the withdrawals what im not so sure about is will you make it threw this lifestyle ....Dude you need to take a close look at where addiction is taking you....you are a lot like I was riding the merry go round getting clean back to using getting clean then back to using you need to change what you doing...nothings going to change if nothing changes....I know your probably sick of hearing us say you need aftercare
but it is the only solution I know to long term sobriety....as addicts we need to change the very way we think to put our addiction in remition....there are several forms of aftercare
we always bring up A/A and N/A because its free and for many of our member myself included it has helped us stay sober it will give you the tools and teach you the skills to help make healthy choices in life.....you will also meet clean and sober people there...I have been asked by people what do I have to change for this to work and I always answer the same...only 1 thing.....everything...persons places and things all have to change to give you a fighting chance to make it....believe me I know how hard that is I had to do it no more bars no more pool halls no more friends that use...if it wasn't for N/A I would have been very lonely....but it was the only way I could put done the alcohol weed and everything else recreational that was 5yr 8mo ago...im just sorry I dident see the methadone as a problem then I had a few more yrs of living in denile now I got 413  days clean from that....I still go to N/A and also see a substance abuse conslor...once you decide to get serious about aftercare and getting well it becomes second nature
do I have other things to do...you betcha but I take time out of my life to treat my addictions because without sobriety I got nothing and my addiction will run my life
I truly hope you will get the help you need...dont waist your whole life like I have chasing a buzz....life is to precious to miss out on it because your high....take it from an old worn out hippy its just not worth the price you will pay....good luck and God bless....Gnarly      

[IBKleen]

I do remember you. You came in two years ago and I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling.

I am sure that you want this or else why would you be here. thinking you don't deserve it or you don't deserve people giving you advise is counter-productive and it doesn't help. You DO deserve advise and you DO deserve to be clean and live your life as a happy, healthy person.

We can make suggestions to you and support you along the way but YOU have to do the footwork. It is not easy but it sure beats living the way you are. If you took half of the energy and time you use to get high and put it towards getting clean you would be almost there.

I do not recommend Tramdol as it is addictive and poses a whole new set of problems. I do not normally suggest Suboxone, especially to someone who will not do the research and utilize the program as it is intended. If you are looking to take Suboxone to stop the withdrawal, then it is not for you. It is also addictive and it too is difficult to get off of.

I think your best bet is to go ct. If possible get into a rehab (treatment center) where you can detox under supervision and you can begin to work on the underlying issues. Addiction is not just a physical disease and once you get past the withdrawal you will find that out.

Is it possible for you to go into treatment?

[jeffclowns]

I think you do want it or you probably wouldn't be posting so yeah you are going to be sick but if being clean is something you really want your going to have to just make it through this and when the worst of the w/d's are over you will feel so munch better ,are you doing any of the Thomas recipe that's posted on lower right hand side cause that can really help with the w/d symptoms and give it a little while more people will be on cause right now there watching football more than likely..god bless you ..jeff.

[M_DuBb22]

running to the bathroom every half hour... sweating, freezing, goosebumps, crawlyy skin, abnormal bowel movements, depression..

i know i dont deserve it but i could really use some support. i think it is time to really get clean and do something positive with my life, im sick of slowly throwing my life away and i cant believe how much damage ive already done :(