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'Guard Up' -- Best Ways -- Pride/Humility
Hello Friends & Fellow Comrades-In-Arms. This Is My First Ever Question On The Forum. I've Been Thinking A Lot Lately About The Mysterious Process Of:
1) What Finally Makes A Certain Time -- The Very Last Time We Use? What Made It The 'Aha' Time For You?
2) I've Also Been Wondering About What Others Consider Their Most Powerful 'Motivators' Or Techniques When The Cravings Come Whispering -- The Best Way They 'Guard Up'.
3) Lastly I'd Love To Hear If Others Feel (As I Do) That How We Deal With Pride and How Seek Humility Are Key Elements In Getting Clean & Staying That Way. Really Curious On Your Take & Experience With This One.
So, I'd Really Appreciate Any Experiences And Words Of Wisdom You Might Be Willing To Share re: The Above. Whether You Choose To Answer A Single Question Or Several, For The Sake Of Clarity, (And My Dulled, Sleepless Faculties), Could You Please Use The Numbers In Front Of The Questions In Your Response. Thank You All!
1) What Finally Makes A Certain Time -- The Very Last Time We Use? What Made It The 'Aha' Time For You?
2) I've Also Been Wondering About What Others Consider Their Most Powerful 'Motivators' Or Techniques When The Cravings Come Whispering -- The Best Way They 'Guard Up'.
3) Lastly I'd Love To Hear If Others Feel (As I Do) That How We Deal With Pride and How Seek Humility Are Key Elements In Getting Clean & Staying That Way. Really Curious On Your Take & Experience With This One.
So, I'd Really Appreciate Any Experiences And Words Of Wisdom You Might Be Willing To Share re: The Above. Whether You Choose To Answer A Single Question Or Several, For The Sake Of Clarity, (And My Dulled, Sleepless Faculties), Could You Please Use The Numbers In Front Of The Questions In Your Response. Thank You All!
P.S.: I broke the poverty cycle. My boys have everything they need material wise..... Just not a very good home life. My relationship with their mother has not been what kids need. And I blame myself.
Hi. Before I put my 2 cents in you need to know I have been battling this addiction for a long... long time. And I only have a few clean days in right now. So my answers are more from a general standpoint. So here goes. #1 My "Aha" moment, which to me, was when I made the decision that I no longer wanted my life dictated by pills. Was in the spring of 2008. My wife left me, my business went under and on a Wednesday afternoon, I woke up on the couch covered in blood. You see not only was I ingesting hydros, I was snorting them as well. And my nasal septum ruptured. I ran to the bathroom to clean myself up.... And I seen myself in the mirror. I immediately broke down. Cause it dawned on me then and there.... that my kids could have found me like that. Covered in blood and snot.....dead. And I'll never get that image out of my head. I am still, to this day, struggling to break the possession this disease has on me. But I think it's that imagery, that pale face of death. Starring back at me from the mirror, the put the "Aha" in my head. #2 My boys. I grew up without a father. And I have been through blood and fire doing all I could to protect them from the pain of poverty and a broken home. Unfortunately, I think I may have failed in my attempts in this. I'm still fighting/struggling with my demons and addiction. And my relationship with their mother, regardless of fault, is all but over. But, I am still their father. And will be until they put me in the ground. And I want to spend as much time with them as I can. CLEAN time.
As for #3... not sure I deserve to answer that one. My clean times may not qualify. But I will say that here.. right here on this site, I find hope. I find inspiration. And I have found that maybe, just maybe. I can overcome this. It's been from the encouragement of those who didn't look down on me, that I finally started to go to meetings. And it's in the meetings and aftercare that I hope to begin the rest of my life. Just have to learn to accept some things first. Hope my answers didn't come off wrong. I'm still fighting.
As for #3... not sure I deserve to answer that one. My clean times may not qualify. But I will say that here.. right here on this site, I find hope. I find inspiration. And I have found that maybe, just maybe. I can overcome this. It's been from the encouragement of those who didn't look down on me, that I finally started to go to meetings. And it's in the meetings and aftercare that I hope to begin the rest of my life. Just have to learn to accept some things first. Hope my answers didn't come off wrong. I'm still fighting.
OK #3... I am not a prideful person by nature. I have no problem asking for help when I need it. Thank goodness...that's how I found all of the wonderful people on this site! I think that it is very important for me to listen to the suggestions and advice of others that have walked this road before me. I don't have all of the answers, actually, I don't have many at all. I just try to stay open to all of the wonderful , positive people in my life and be sure to ask any time I'm unsure or need help.
PS.. I sure could not do this alone! I go to both AA/NA and have a Sponsor..I also have Support at Home and Some of My Buds I call on here like you sister..Thanks for being here for me always!!!!
Bless us ALL!
Bless us ALL!
(((HUGS))) EvolverU! :-) I am happy to be of service here for you. I have journal entry called 'my psych ward story'. I also keep a copy of it om y own personal documents. I went into it there just now, and bolded the parts pertaining to your questions, most of which are toward the bottom. I'm not sure if the bold will show up here but I'm gonna try anyway, here goes. I erased it, didn't work. I'mma go back in and see if I can do a capitalization.
YAY! That worked! :-) If it causes more questions than answers, please message me and I will be happy to explain! Blessings - Blu
This is not a question. It is an odyssey of anxiety and depression. My hope is that maybe something in ths will help someone in need of something that actually worked for me. My childhood was perfect, I was the baby of the family, with doting mom, older brother, and older sister. When I was 15, my sister and her three young children died in a house fire. I was beyond devastated, and unconsolable. I felt like she left me right when I needed her the most. My poor mother was in no shape to be of any help to me. In school, I got into the bad crowd, smoked pot, smoked cigarrettes, drank alcohol, and was very promiscuous. I literally did every bad thing a kid could do. I was hurt and angry, and refused to listen when anyone tried to tell me to stop. Whenever I found myself alone, with no one in earshot, I would just stand and scream, long and full of pain, until my throat hurt and my head was banging. I began to have periods of dissasociation (sp?) and numbness in my extremeties. I continued to act out whenever I could, barely graduated high school, abd refused to go to college. Then my life became a slow but steady more downward spiral. I dated men my mother didnt like, just because she didnt like them. I worked sporadically. Started having babies at 18, four of them altogether, fathered by men who wre irresponsible in awful ways. I became convinced that I was worthless, and stopped caring about alot of things. I was abused in every possible way, and convinced it was my fault. The years went on, with me basically trying to raise my kids, and not doing a good job of it.Finally, when my youngest was only a year old, I met a man who wanted to get to know me. Of course I knew I'd mess this up too, or he would. So I went through my motions of not being nice to him, pushing him, testing him, to see where things would break. And came to the conclusion that this guy was a flipping rock who would not be put off, no matter what I threw at him. He cooked and cleaned for me, and babysat my kids while I worked. When I cried, he held me. He listened when I spoke, even if I wasn't being nice. By then I had already begun a regimen of Zoloft through my moms doctor, in an effort to calm me down. That worked for awhile, and I was keeping jobs longer. I found myself falling in love with this man, whom I will call James. He fell in love with me and my kids at the same time. I started to be nice to him alot more often. We began our (now) 17 year relationship, and enjoyed a good life for several years. Then I suffered a severe nervous breakdown that lasted two weeks, during which I had to be cared for like a small child by my family (thank God for them). This was due to stress at work, and the doctor added Klonopin to my Zoloft. I stayed on that a few more years, feeling a bit better, but I could still feel the anxiety inside, waiting to come out. I suffered panic attacks regularly. The doctor put me on Rispiridone and Ambien. Again a bit of releif, but not enough. Stress at work continued until I couldn't take anymore and I quit. My thinking there was not only to get away from this major stressor, but to give myself a bit of a break while I looked for more work. I found a handful of jobs, and all of them brought the anxiety back full force. I attempted suicide, twice. My doctor became uncooperative at that point and wanted me committed right away, I refused. I changed doctors to one that would not only work with me, but also had a psychologist in his practice, who would also see me, and share their findings about me with each other, which I found to be a great idea. He took me off rispiridone and Zoloft, which he deemed unnecessary, and put me on effexor. He warned me that it would take awhile (weeks) to work. I took it as he said to, and gave it plenty of time to work. Nothing. Zero improvement. I was sleeping 16 hours a day, and rarely left my house. I couldnt work at all like that. I WAS ALSO HAVING SOME SORT OF (WHAT I WAS TOLD AFTER A CT SCAN) HARMLESS PSEUDO-SEIZURE ACTIVITY, WHICH SCARED ME TO TEARS. ONE DAY, TWO WEEKS AGO, I WAS WOKEN UP BY SEIZURE ACTIVITY SO SEVERETHAT MY BODY WAS JUMPING EVERY FEW MINUTES. I TRIED DISTRACTING MYSELF, EATING A MEAL, SHOWERING, THEN FINALLY THOUGHT A NAP MIGHT HELP. AS SOON AS I GOT INTO BED, I JUST FREAKED. I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND ONE MORE DAY IN BED. I SAT THERE AND SCREAMED AND CRIED AND SHOOK, AND HAD TO CALL FOR HELP BECAUSE I WAS HYPERVENTILATING. At the local hospital, I was given the opportunity to enter a mental and behavioral health ward at another hospital not far away. The thought scaed me to death. But continuing to feel awful evry day scared me worse. I agreed to go, signed all the papers, and was whisked off in an ambulance to ST. Mary's Hospital in Jefferson City, Missouri. Once there, I continued to panic until I was given a shot of trazadone, which I found comforting, and was able to listen calmly while a nurse xplained how the ward worked. I would not be restrained unless I became a danger to others, my room would never be locked, and I would have 24 hour access to the halls and activity rooms in the t-shaped ward, as well as any help I needed from the nurses. I would not be allowed outside, or even off the ward until the hospital psychiatrist said I was allowed to go home. That could take three days or three weeks, depending on how much help I needed. I had a room mate, who was a very nice girl. She helped me find my way around, and explained the rules of conduct, which were all easy and reasonable. THE NURSES WERE AWESOME. I GOT DETERMINED TOMAKE THE BEST OF MY TIME THERE. I NEEDED IT TO WORK. I ATE MY MEALS, SAW THE DOCTOR, GOT MEDS THAT WORKED FOR REAL (SIX OF THEM!), WENT TO EVERY GROUP AND ACTIVITY MEETING. I SPOKE UP AND ASKED QUESTIONS. I HELPED TO COMFORT OTHERS WHO WERE IN DISTRESS. I JOINED PEER CONVERSATIONS AND LEARNED HOW TO COPE. I TOOK NOTES LIKE A MANIAC. I SHOWERED, MADE MY BED, WORE CLEAN CLOTHES, AND ENJOYED GOOD PERSONAL HYGEINE I TOL MY DOCTOR THAT I WOULD NOT LEAVE UNTIL I WAS BETTER (in spite of everyone else who just wanted out). One day, on a Thursday, I saw the doctor, and as usual, he asked me how I was feeling. Something in me clicked, like puzzle peices coming together, and I grinned really big: I felt really good! He saw all this on my face and said 'you are going home today.' And he grinned right back at me. I had a whole booklet of skills to take home, plus scripts for all my meds plus a refill. I was home by that afternoon. EVER SINCE, MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL. IHAVE STRUCTURE IN MY LIFE, AND I AM HAPPY TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. I DO NOT NAP AT ALL. I GO TO BED ONLY AT BEDTIME. I GO OUT AND SOCIALIZE WITH FRIENDS, SHOPPING, ETC. NO JOB YET, BUT THAT WILL COME AT THE RIGHT TIME. MY LIFE IS MINE AGAIN. I hope this story is useful to someone... - Blu
YAY! That worked! :-) If it causes more questions than answers, please message me and I will be happy to explain! Blessings - Blu
This is not a question. It is an odyssey of anxiety and depression. My hope is that maybe something in ths will help someone in need of something that actually worked for me. My childhood was perfect, I was the baby of the family, with doting mom, older brother, and older sister. When I was 15, my sister and her three young children died in a house fire. I was beyond devastated, and unconsolable. I felt like she left me right when I needed her the most. My poor mother was in no shape to be of any help to me. In school, I got into the bad crowd, smoked pot, smoked cigarrettes, drank alcohol, and was very promiscuous. I literally did every bad thing a kid could do. I was hurt and angry, and refused to listen when anyone tried to tell me to stop. Whenever I found myself alone, with no one in earshot, I would just stand and scream, long and full of pain, until my throat hurt and my head was banging. I began to have periods of dissasociation (sp?) and numbness in my extremeties. I continued to act out whenever I could, barely graduated high school, abd refused to go to college. Then my life became a slow but steady more downward spiral. I dated men my mother didnt like, just because she didnt like them. I worked sporadically. Started having babies at 18, four of them altogether, fathered by men who wre irresponsible in awful ways. I became convinced that I was worthless, and stopped caring about alot of things. I was abused in every possible way, and convinced it was my fault. The years went on, with me basically trying to raise my kids, and not doing a good job of it.Finally, when my youngest was only a year old, I met a man who wanted to get to know me. Of course I knew I'd mess this up too, or he would. So I went through my motions of not being nice to him, pushing him, testing him, to see where things would break. And came to the conclusion that this guy was a flipping rock who would not be put off, no matter what I threw at him. He cooked and cleaned for me, and babysat my kids while I worked. When I cried, he held me. He listened when I spoke, even if I wasn't being nice. By then I had already begun a regimen of Zoloft through my moms doctor, in an effort to calm me down. That worked for awhile, and I was keeping jobs longer. I found myself falling in love with this man, whom I will call James. He fell in love with me and my kids at the same time. I started to be nice to him alot more often. We began our (now) 17 year relationship, and enjoyed a good life for several years. Then I suffered a severe nervous breakdown that lasted two weeks, during which I had to be cared for like a small child by my family (thank God for them). This was due to stress at work, and the doctor added Klonopin to my Zoloft. I stayed on that a few more years, feeling a bit better, but I could still feel the anxiety inside, waiting to come out. I suffered panic attacks regularly. The doctor put me on Rispiridone and Ambien. Again a bit of releif, but not enough. Stress at work continued until I couldn't take anymore and I quit. My thinking there was not only to get away from this major stressor, but to give myself a bit of a break while I looked for more work. I found a handful of jobs, and all of them brought the anxiety back full force. I attempted suicide, twice. My doctor became uncooperative at that point and wanted me committed right away, I refused. I changed doctors to one that would not only work with me, but also had a psychologist in his practice, who would also see me, and share their findings about me with each other, which I found to be a great idea. He took me off rispiridone and Zoloft, which he deemed unnecessary, and put me on effexor. He warned me that it would take awhile (weeks) to work. I took it as he said to, and gave it plenty of time to work. Nothing. Zero improvement. I was sleeping 16 hours a day, and rarely left my house. I couldnt work at all like that. I WAS ALSO HAVING SOME SORT OF (WHAT I WAS TOLD AFTER A CT SCAN) HARMLESS PSEUDO-SEIZURE ACTIVITY, WHICH SCARED ME TO TEARS. ONE DAY, TWO WEEKS AGO, I WAS WOKEN UP BY SEIZURE ACTIVITY SO SEVERETHAT MY BODY WAS JUMPING EVERY FEW MINUTES. I TRIED DISTRACTING MYSELF, EATING A MEAL, SHOWERING, THEN FINALLY THOUGHT A NAP MIGHT HELP. AS SOON AS I GOT INTO BED, I JUST FREAKED. I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND ONE MORE DAY IN BED. I SAT THERE AND SCREAMED AND CRIED AND SHOOK, AND HAD TO CALL FOR HELP BECAUSE I WAS HYPERVENTILATING. At the local hospital, I was given the opportunity to enter a mental and behavioral health ward at another hospital not far away. The thought scaed me to death. But continuing to feel awful evry day scared me worse. I agreed to go, signed all the papers, and was whisked off in an ambulance to ST. Mary's Hospital in Jefferson City, Missouri. Once there, I continued to panic until I was given a shot of trazadone, which I found comforting, and was able to listen calmly while a nurse xplained how the ward worked. I would not be restrained unless I became a danger to others, my room would never be locked, and I would have 24 hour access to the halls and activity rooms in the t-shaped ward, as well as any help I needed from the nurses. I would not be allowed outside, or even off the ward until the hospital psychiatrist said I was allowed to go home. That could take three days or three weeks, depending on how much help I needed. I had a room mate, who was a very nice girl. She helped me find my way around, and explained the rules of conduct, which were all easy and reasonable. THE NURSES WERE AWESOME. I GOT DETERMINED TOMAKE THE BEST OF MY TIME THERE. I NEEDED IT TO WORK. I ATE MY MEALS, SAW THE DOCTOR, GOT MEDS THAT WORKED FOR REAL (SIX OF THEM!), WENT TO EVERY GROUP AND ACTIVITY MEETING. I SPOKE UP AND ASKED QUESTIONS. I HELPED TO COMFORT OTHERS WHO WERE IN DISTRESS. I JOINED PEER CONVERSATIONS AND LEARNED HOW TO COPE. I TOOK NOTES LIKE A MANIAC. I SHOWERED, MADE MY BED, WORE CLEAN CLOTHES, AND ENJOYED GOOD PERSONAL HYGEINE I TOL MY DOCTOR THAT I WOULD NOT LEAVE UNTIL I WAS BETTER (in spite of everyone else who just wanted out). One day, on a Thursday, I saw the doctor, and as usual, he asked me how I was feeling. Something in me clicked, like puzzle peices coming together, and I grinned really big: I felt really good! He saw all this on my face and said 'you are going home today.' And he grinned right back at me. I had a whole booklet of skills to take home, plus scripts for all my meds plus a refill. I was home by that afternoon. EVER SINCE, MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL. IHAVE STRUCTURE IN MY LIFE, AND I AM HAPPY TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. I DO NOT NAP AT ALL. I GO TO BED ONLY AT BEDTIME. I GO OUT AND SOCIALIZE WITH FRIENDS, SHOPPING, ETC. NO JOB YET, BUT THAT WILL COME AT THE RIGHT TIME. MY LIFE IS MINE AGAIN. I hope this story is useful to someone... - Blu
Oh Boy!! There is so much..I was just over analyzing my past last month that put me in a real bad spin..I am just going to push forward and move on..
But since I have used and boozed on & off since I was 14 I thought most of the drugs I tried came with each decade or like 60-70-80-90 on & on..I was always able to walk away when I got tired did not even know what a w/d was about..I was kind of on the Mt.Mamma natural thing..Ha!! I know drugs are not natural but I thought that some things where you know what I mean!!
Then I had real bad pain and got only 20 hydos a month. I have had the opiates before but used them right and when I was done walked away and still no w/d..But then 16 years ago the hydo/oxy thing got real out of hand..Someone turned me on to a Methadone..So I thought well I just needed one and not 20 to get the Buzz..So there it went off and when I had my Dr taper down a bit I was running short again..And then others told me about the adderral and wow what a buzz together and the benzo at night to come down..I was passing out standing up in the kitchen and my Hub would come out and yell at me..I was eating cereal or candy and was nodding out and waking up with it all over me..I even had food in my throat.. I knew it was a matter of time that I was going to die..I could not keep getting the lift during the day to take a pill and come down..It was just really, really out of control..That is why I had no time to taper..I had to just do it and get it over with..
Now I have been temped with things and sometimes have a real hard time living in my own skin..I learned alot about the Pleasure Part of the Brain called survival and it is so true how that tape can play the "oh just one more" or Try this it will make you feel better" This is why for me I really know now that I can not even go there at all..I do not have the cravings for Booze because it has been over 8 years but i just sub one for another..So the Booze is my worst fear out here now..it is so so easy to get and only takes a bunch of pennies to get a Tall Boy..So for me some of my experiences I have encountered lately show me I am differently a Addict and I will always be..I have to just learn to deal with it because there is no easy way out..Plus as time goes by I do like my Brain and Memory returning back..the Dr said it could take a Year or Two so I know Time is the Greatest Healer and I just have to slow down and take it min by min and day by day!!!! lol
But since I have used and boozed on & off since I was 14 I thought most of the drugs I tried came with each decade or like 60-70-80-90 on & on..I was always able to walk away when I got tired did not even know what a w/d was about..I was kind of on the Mt.Mamma natural thing..Ha!! I know drugs are not natural but I thought that some things where you know what I mean!!
Then I had real bad pain and got only 20 hydos a month. I have had the opiates before but used them right and when I was done walked away and still no w/d..But then 16 years ago the hydo/oxy thing got real out of hand..Someone turned me on to a Methadone..So I thought well I just needed one and not 20 to get the Buzz..So there it went off and when I had my Dr taper down a bit I was running short again..And then others told me about the adderral and wow what a buzz together and the benzo at night to come down..I was passing out standing up in the kitchen and my Hub would come out and yell at me..I was eating cereal or candy and was nodding out and waking up with it all over me..I even had food in my throat.. I knew it was a matter of time that I was going to die..I could not keep getting the lift during the day to take a pill and come down..It was just really, really out of control..That is why I had no time to taper..I had to just do it and get it over with..
Now I have been temped with things and sometimes have a real hard time living in my own skin..I learned alot about the Pleasure Part of the Brain called survival and it is so true how that tape can play the "oh just one more" or Try this it will make you feel better" This is why for me I really know now that I can not even go there at all..I do not have the cravings for Booze because it has been over 8 years but i just sub one for another..So the Booze is my worst fear out here now..it is so so easy to get and only takes a bunch of pennies to get a Tall Boy..So for me some of my experiences I have encountered lately show me I am differently a Addict and I will always be..I have to just learn to deal with it because there is no easy way out..Plus as time goes by I do like my Brain and Memory returning back..the Dr said it could take a Year or Two so I know Time is the Greatest Healer and I just have to slow down and take it min by min and day by day!!!! lol
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2 - The way I've stayed clean for the last 17 months is because of the three step plan I put in place, with the most important piece being telling my secret. I found that once everyone knows (who needs to know, i.e., family, doc, dentist, etc) it is very, very hard to relapse. When my head starts talking to me, I talk to my wife. I've posted this before - medicine cabinets, people I know who've just had surgery or dental work (including my children) were and are sources. But since my wife knows this, she helps keep me headed in the right direction (watches me like a hawk).
3 - Finally pride - after all this time I have none left. I'm working on living a life and doing things that I can be proud of, but that will take some time. For me, pride had very little to do with my addiction. The minute I started lying to my children most of my emotional insides were trashed.
K