Aa
I HATE Being an Addict
I did not ask for this. I don't think I can go through with the effort it is taking to stay clean. I can feel great one moment and the next I am ready to go get some pills and just do it already. This is taking an ungodly amount of effort and I just don't know if I can do this. I know what they mean when they say this disease is fatal. I have been slowly killing myself with drugs and right now I don't even care. This sux.
This is an old post. You will get more answers if you start a new post. There are some amazing people here that can help you. Good luck!
I know exactly how you feel I just relapsed with pills then I thought I should look up I hate being an a addicted and found this page I really do and its not my fault I come from a long line of addicts and its scientifically proven addiction is genetic me and you have a hard life a battle with addiction constantly lets break the chain and finish it here so our future generation doesn't have to carry our weight all I know is I wish I was still sober and I envy you its hard for people like us addiction is certainly a worthy opponent to fight its not in everyone good luck brother and don't die
I just read through this whole thing and it really helped me. My boyfreind and I have been putting perc 30's up our noses for almost a year now... up to 10-15 of them a day. Starting tonight I'm done... he is too.
Please wish us luck... I'm scared, I want it to stick b/c I am so tired of living like this. I have a fantastic boyfriend, a great job, family, etc... I consider myself very blessed in all aspects of life except my problem with addictions. My boyfriend and I both have highly addictive personalities... it's just ridiculous and we feel like we have no self control. I told him today, we have a choice every time we break up a pill.... we can make the choice not to do it! It's too hard to keep up this life... I'm so tired of it. I want things to be back to normal and I can only hope the withdrawal won't be too bad. I know I can do it... I know we can do it. And I don't care anymore if I feel like a bag of **** at work on Monday... I don't care. I will suffer through it b/c I can't do this anymore... I don't want to die young and I have a lot to live for. And I don't enough money to keep this up. I would be loaded right now if it wasn't for these stupid pills.
Sorry... some of that was just me needing to put it in writing... to tell myself again and again. I don't even think this is as bad as it could be... I just don't want to know how much worse it could get... don't want to wait around and find out.
If anyone has any suggestions for making us more comfertable while doing this on our own I would greatly appreciate it... I saw some stuff; immodium AD, Midol, etc... great to know, really... I really appreciate it and am really glad I found this site.
Please wish us luck... I'm scared, I want it to stick b/c I am so tired of living like this. I have a fantastic boyfriend, a great job, family, etc... I consider myself very blessed in all aspects of life except my problem with addictions. My boyfriend and I both have highly addictive personalities... it's just ridiculous and we feel like we have no self control. I told him today, we have a choice every time we break up a pill.... we can make the choice not to do it! It's too hard to keep up this life... I'm so tired of it. I want things to be back to normal and I can only hope the withdrawal won't be too bad. I know I can do it... I know we can do it. And I don't care anymore if I feel like a bag of **** at work on Monday... I don't care. I will suffer through it b/c I can't do this anymore... I don't want to die young and I have a lot to live for. And I don't enough money to keep this up. I would be loaded right now if it wasn't for these stupid pills.
Sorry... some of that was just me needing to put it in writing... to tell myself again and again. I don't even think this is as bad as it could be... I just don't want to know how much worse it could get... don't want to wait around and find out.
If anyone has any suggestions for making us more comfertable while doing this on our own I would greatly appreciate it... I saw some stuff; immodium AD, Midol, etc... great to know, really... I really appreciate it and am really glad I found this site.
Wow. I just read this from start to finish. I am going to cry. I am so happy you went to that meeting and are feeling better. I was feeling so bad for you and didn't know what to say. Then read your last post. You made my day ! I am new to all these feelings also. Thank You David. Mary
I am tired and worn out from fighting. I went to a meeting today and it was an emotional yet relieving experience. I read the Just For Today passage this morning and I knew that I had to go to a meeting today. I am tired of feeling lonely. I don't think non-addicts can fully understand how lonely addiction really is. In that meeting today I felt truly understood and accepted. I did not know them but they sure knew me. Something happened to me in that meeting and I can only describe it as a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. Please God let it only be forward from here.
I'm not really sure HOW to surrender.
It seems to me the biggest thing was simply getting to the point that it sounded to me like you were at -- where I just couldn't do it anymore and where I could no longer muster the emotional strength to even give a damn.
It's hard for me to explain, but it's almost as if I lived under some imperative to maintain resistance. As if it was my will, in the exertion of such resistance, that held everything (and I mean EVERYTHING, including ME) together and that if I ever ceased that struggle, then I would simply cease too. I can't explain exactly what it was that I thought I was resisting, but I do know that I was resisting it and it seemed very important that I not stop.
So, the initial thing for me with this surrender business was getting so worn out and beaten down that my inability to continue with the resistance exceeded my fear of some ill defined REALLY BAD THING that appeared to be the certain result of just stopping. That fear was a really big deal for me.
But I didn't evaporate, or cease being me, or become a mindless zombie, or become any one of the countless unnamed-bad-things that I was worried about. Somehow, it seemed that I had become MORE like me than ever before. Realizing that helped with the initially frequent and very strong urges to immediately stop "that foolishness" and resume the "necessary resistance" at once.
It still helps alot when I find something that I need to let go of, or when something happens or is said that makes me feel defensive.
Hope this makes some sense and doesn't sound too off the wall .................
CATUF
892
It seems to me the biggest thing was simply getting to the point that it sounded to me like you were at -- where I just couldn't do it anymore and where I could no longer muster the emotional strength to even give a damn.
It's hard for me to explain, but it's almost as if I lived under some imperative to maintain resistance. As if it was my will, in the exertion of such resistance, that held everything (and I mean EVERYTHING, including ME) together and that if I ever ceased that struggle, then I would simply cease too. I can't explain exactly what it was that I thought I was resisting, but I do know that I was resisting it and it seemed very important that I not stop.
So, the initial thing for me with this surrender business was getting so worn out and beaten down that my inability to continue with the resistance exceeded my fear of some ill defined REALLY BAD THING that appeared to be the certain result of just stopping. That fear was a really big deal for me.
But I didn't evaporate, or cease being me, or become a mindless zombie, or become any one of the countless unnamed-bad-things that I was worried about. Somehow, it seemed that I had become MORE like me than ever before. Realizing that helped with the initially frequent and very strong urges to immediately stop "that foolishness" and resume the "necessary resistance" at once.
It still helps alot when I find something that I need to let go of, or when something happens or is said that makes me feel defensive.
Hope this makes some sense and doesn't sound too off the wall .................
CATUF
892
have u tried methadone? im on it for pill addiction but my friend has been on it for yrs for herion addiction she goes to the clinic everyday.i myself have methadone pills this is day 2 for me it seems to be working some she said we would up it if i need it.i was on morphine ,oxys ect.i have percacet for breakthrough pain. i was gonna tried the suboxone and they said it wasnt right for me cuz id still be in pain i was in a bad accident.i tried stopping everything for 3 days and the doctor said it could of killed me.the reason is i been on pills a long time and im also a dibetic but when i stop the pills sunday i started withdrawing really bad and i couldnt eat id thrown up and so i could take my insilin and pills because i was so sick and i was in bad shape this wedesday when i went there they immedialy told me to take a pill and that evening i started feeling a lil bit better.yesterday i felt alot better.today im feeling ok kind of sick but im trying to adjust to the methadone.i know im rambaling .trying to explain and trying to help.
have u tried methadone? im on it for pill addiction but my friend has been on it for yrs for herion addiction she goes to the clinic everyday.i myself have methadone pills this is day 2 for me it seems to be working some she said we would up it if i need it.i was on morphine ,oxys ect.i have percacet for breakthrough pain. i was gonna tried the suboxone and they said it wasnt right for me cuz id still be in pain i was in a bad accident.i tried stopping everything for 3 days and the doctor said it could of killed me.the reason is i been on pills a long time and im also a dibetic but when i stop the pills sunday i started withdrawing really bad and i couldnt eat id thrown up and so i could take my insilin and pills because i was so sick and i was in bad shape this wedesday when i went there they immedialy told me to take a pill and that evening i started feeling a lil bit better.yesterday i felt alot better.today im feeling ok kind of sick but im trying to adjust to the methadone.i know im rambaling .trying to explain and trying to help.
hi I'am exectly where you are i have my first meeting tonight & i want to use, i'm coming of herion but i'am so scared. The thing about n/a that scres me is the god thing. Please don't get me wrong i do belive there is more than just this but i don't think my belife is in god. I feel's like i will be kinda brain washed into a religon a don't practice. But at the same time i NEED to go i have tryed & faild sooo many time's to get clean & failed. But like you are now i think what is the pain of living like this & fighting this urge to use every f**king day god it's so hard
But people on this sight have help'd me sooo much they have even talked me round to going to N/A it's on at 7:30 tonight. A few good freind beach included have gave me hope good. let me no how you got on all the best nat xxx :)
But people on this sight have help'd me sooo much they have even talked me round to going to N/A it's on at 7:30 tonight. A few good freind beach included have gave me hope good. let me no how you got on all the best nat xxx :)
Just For Today for November 16th
"Many of us spent much of our using time alone, avoiding other people - especially people who were not using - at all costs. After years of isolation, trying to find a place for ourselves in a bustling, sometimes boisterous fellowship is not always easy. We may still feel isolated, focusing on our differences rather than our similarities. The overwhelming feelings that often arise in early recovery-feelings of fear, anger, and mistrust-can also keep us isolated. We may feel like aliens but we must remember, the alienation is ours, not NA's.
In Narcotics Anonymous, we are offered a very special opportunity for friendship. We are brought together with people who understand us like no one else can. We are encouraged to share with these people our feelings, our problems, our triumphs, and our failures. Slowly, the recognition and identification we find in NA bridge the lonely gap of alienation in our hearts. As we've heard it said - the program works, if we let it.
Just for today: The friendship of other members of the fellowship is a life-sustaining gift. I will reach out for the friendship that's offered in NA, and accept it."
This passage sums up the way I feel right now, alone and scared. I will go to the noon meeting today.
David
"Many of us spent much of our using time alone, avoiding other people - especially people who were not using - at all costs. After years of isolation, trying to find a place for ourselves in a bustling, sometimes boisterous fellowship is not always easy. We may still feel isolated, focusing on our differences rather than our similarities. The overwhelming feelings that often arise in early recovery-feelings of fear, anger, and mistrust-can also keep us isolated. We may feel like aliens but we must remember, the alienation is ours, not NA's.
In Narcotics Anonymous, we are offered a very special opportunity for friendship. We are brought together with people who understand us like no one else can. We are encouraged to share with these people our feelings, our problems, our triumphs, and our failures. Slowly, the recognition and identification we find in NA bridge the lonely gap of alienation in our hearts. As we've heard it said - the program works, if we let it.
Just for today: The friendship of other members of the fellowship is a life-sustaining gift. I will reach out for the friendship that's offered in NA, and accept it."
This passage sums up the way I feel right now, alone and scared. I will go to the noon meeting today.
David
Sounds like N/A is for you. Go to a meeting, go to a few of them. What your feeling is normal for an addict coming to the realization that they must do something. Sometimes we just don't know what or how to do it. You made the first step by coming here. Move forward and you will have a better life. Listen to beachtowel, go to a meeting.
You both speak of surrender. How do you do that? I know I am a beaten man. How do I pick myself up and go on with life without using? Using is a part of who I am without it I am lost. I want a better life for my wife and I. That will never happen if I continue to get high. In order to surrender what is the first thing I need to do?
Your so right about one thing I knew in the end I was a beaten man and I surrendered totally.......I totally gave in and quit.........that was the day I started my recovery.......and I have not used since....
when i read your post it was so sad I asked the questions for a reason........
I tried to bring up that N/A has a lot of clean people who don't use who are all supporting each other and offer a lot of things to do straight.......dances, bowling etc........
I thought maybe that would interest you....
I then changed gears to try to get you to realize where you are in the insanity of addiction and you
came back with you said you were married and then you said this>>>>My sex life is not worth a
damn and neither is my relationship. I steal pills from my wife because I am selfish and could care
less about her pain. I spend money on drugs and hide that fact from my wife. I lie to get what I want
and sometimes I feel guilty but more often than not I just don't care. Can NA fix all that?
N/A is not a Miracle fix, God himself is not at the meeting to help you either your answer to my questions tore me up inside and I am very worried about you.......your relationship with your wife that is so sad.........plus you steal from her and her pain like you said you don't even give a dam........
David you have to stop using look at the person you have become....................
N/A can help you YES!
But david you really need to talk to an addiction counselor I think they could really help you more than anything......
Before the drugs took you over and turned you into an emotionless zombie I'll bet you were a very nice person, fun loving and your wife wanted to spend the rest of her life with you and married you.......
This post makes me very sad David I know your a great person who is just lost in the insanity of addiction and I know you can't like it where you are..........
I tried to bring up that N/A has a lot of clean people who don't use who are all supporting each other and offer a lot of things to do straight.......dances, bowling etc........
I thought maybe that would interest you....
I then changed gears to try to get you to realize where you are in the insanity of addiction and you
came back with you said you were married and then you said this>>>>My sex life is not worth a
damn and neither is my relationship. I steal pills from my wife because I am selfish and could care
less about her pain. I spend money on drugs and hide that fact from my wife. I lie to get what I want
and sometimes I feel guilty but more often than not I just don't care. Can NA fix all that?
N/A is not a Miracle fix, God himself is not at the meeting to help you either your answer to my questions tore me up inside and I am very worried about you.......your relationship with your wife that is so sad.........plus you steal from her and her pain like you said you don't even give a dam........
David you have to stop using look at the person you have become....................
N/A can help you YES!
But david you really need to talk to an addiction counselor I think they could really help you more than anything......
Before the drugs took you over and turned you into an emotionless zombie I'll bet you were a very nice person, fun loving and your wife wanted to spend the rest of her life with you and married you.......
This post makes me very sad David I know your a great person who is just lost in the insanity of addiction and I know you can't like it where you are..........
Quit fighting. Just give up. As long as I kept fighting addiction I kept losing. It was too big and too strong. It never got tired and it never quit. Sooner or later it always won.
One day I got to a point that sound much like where you're at right now. I just quit. I had HAD IT. It was too hard and I couldn't do it anymore. I simply, and literally, said "I QUIT." I figured that meant the end of me (winners never quit, right?), but just didn't care anymore. I was way beyond caring.
To my suprise, THAT was when I finally started getting better. It turns out that what was required for me to really find Recovery was complete and unconditional surrender.
There's a saying in the rooms of AA and NA: "The one who surrenders the most wins." I've found it to be true. There's a pretty good piece on surrender called "Letting Go," by Barry Elwin-Jones that you can find on Google. I recommended it.
I promise you that there is not only life after addiction, but there is good life. Recovery didn't just give me back my life, it gave me a better life - I life that I couldn't have imagined before ....even before the addiction started.
There's a passage in AA's Big Book called "The Promises," which is much-loved by many in Recovery. I used to think it was just so many words, none of which had anything to do with me. Even when I got to the point where I thought (and then saw) that it was true for others, I was sure it could never be true for me . . . I was too far gone, I had messed up too bad, etc., etc., etc.
I was wrong. The Promises have come true for me. They can come true for you, too. Here's that passage:
----------------------------------
THE PROMISES
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A book that might help you right now is END YOUR ADDICTION NOW, by Charles Gant.
CATUF
Day-891
One day I got to a point that sound much like where you're at right now. I just quit. I had HAD IT. It was too hard and I couldn't do it anymore. I simply, and literally, said "I QUIT." I figured that meant the end of me (winners never quit, right?), but just didn't care anymore. I was way beyond caring.
To my suprise, THAT was when I finally started getting better. It turns out that what was required for me to really find Recovery was complete and unconditional surrender.
There's a saying in the rooms of AA and NA: "The one who surrenders the most wins." I've found it to be true. There's a pretty good piece on surrender called "Letting Go," by Barry Elwin-Jones that you can find on Google. I recommended it.
I promise you that there is not only life after addiction, but there is good life. Recovery didn't just give me back my life, it gave me a better life - I life that I couldn't have imagined before ....even before the addiction started.
There's a passage in AA's Big Book called "The Promises," which is much-loved by many in Recovery. I used to think it was just so many words, none of which had anything to do with me. Even when I got to the point where I thought (and then saw) that it was true for others, I was sure it could never be true for me . . . I was too far gone, I had messed up too bad, etc., etc., etc.
I was wrong. The Promises have come true for me. They can come true for you, too. Here's that passage:
----------------------------------
THE PROMISES
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A book that might help you right now is END YOUR ADDICTION NOW, by Charles Gant.
CATUF
Day-891
Hey Jack, I'm not going to use. I just had this strong urge to use and I did not do what I should have done to get control of it. I need someting like NA or I know I won't stay clean. It's just that anxiety is a big time trigger for me. Every time I go to a meeting the anxiety creates the urge and it all feels so hopeless. I calmed down now and the urge has passed this time.
So dave...you're day 11 right. You told me how long you have been using. So how about one step at a time. I feel ya bro for real...I may just be a little further along than you. I can tell you today is A LOT easier than 4 days ago...still not easy, but approaching tolerable. Do ya think even though right now you think you're a peice of dung, you could hang in there another week and then re-evaluate? discuss it? Heck you don't know me nor I you...but I'll discuss it with you. You MAY find you're thinking just a bit differently...and maybe not...you have to determine if it's worth that. PEACE bro
Fight thru it? I am fighting thru it. This whole urge tonight started because I wanted to go to an NA meeting but chickened out. I do have meetings that I go to but it's not enough. I need to go every day maybe even more than once a day. It seems like being clean is just getting harder every day. I need to go to meetings but the anxiety I feel before hand creates a strong urge to use. I get caught up in this and use it for an excuse to just give up on going. You've been to NA, was it like that for you too?
Wow. A selfish addict. That is a new one.
Listen, we all have been there. I have felt the same way. But you know what? That is your addiction talking - not you. You are giving all your power to the drugs. But if you use ALL the tools available, NA / meetings, good nutrition, good attitude, and will power, you can find that life will give back what you put into it.
You can gripe about how bad you got it, but that won't solve the problem you got yourself into. Are you willing to fight through the temporary getting clean phase?
Listen, we all have been there. I have felt the same way. But you know what? That is your addiction talking - not you. You are giving all your power to the drugs. But if you use ALL the tools available, NA / meetings, good nutrition, good attitude, and will power, you can find that life will give back what you put into it.
You can gripe about how bad you got it, but that won't solve the problem you got yourself into. Are you willing to fight through the temporary getting clean phase?
David, Beach sure does ask some pointed questions. You know when i first came here, I didnt really like him even, lol. I was like wow........why is this guy jumping on my ***??" Its because he cares and is trying to help you though. He's been through it all, my friend.
as for your post...we have all done bad things to obtain our drugs. Horrible things sometimes. It doesnt mean youre a hopeless case though. Eventually we all have to QUIT taking these pills or DIE, or go to JAIL if we dont. ITs as simple as that. You can only play the game so much. Pretty soon you will not have access to as many pills as your body needs. DOctors wont write enough RXs to fill your neeeds, you may lose access to dealers, run out of money etc etc. Not to mention your liver going out.... There comes a time when you just have to stop. Please hang in there and dont lose hope. I never thought Id make it as far as I have. Im only about 3 or 4 weeks into this myself...
as for your post...we have all done bad things to obtain our drugs. Horrible things sometimes. It doesnt mean youre a hopeless case though. Eventually we all have to QUIT taking these pills or DIE, or go to JAIL if we dont. ITs as simple as that. You can only play the game so much. Pretty soon you will not have access to as many pills as your body needs. DOctors wont write enough RXs to fill your neeeds, you may lose access to dealers, run out of money etc etc. Not to mention your liver going out.... There comes a time when you just have to stop. Please hang in there and dont lose hope. I never thought Id make it as far as I have. Im only about 3 or 4 weeks into this myself...
oh yea, I'm scared to meet new people because I hide behind a veil of drugs. I don't have that anymore. I feel like I'm walking around naked and everybody knows it. How do I get past that?
Ya know Beach, I respect you but sometimes you ask some of the most pointed questions. I am married and have been for a long time. My sex life is not worth a damn and neither is my relationship. I steal pills from my wife because I am selfish and could care less about her pain. I spend money on drugs and hide that fact from my wife. I lie to get what I want and sometimes I feel guilty but more often than not I just don't care. Can NA fix all that?
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