I came clean and got shot down!

[HedHurtz]

I have posted here before as a Fioricet and Adderall addict. I see that some people have read it. Well, I came clean to my husband last night. I wish ANYONE could have been a fly on the wall for this converstaion. It went down like this. First, I must tell you my husband is a DEA agent in Miami, so telling him was definitely rough. I told him that I take too many pills and that I want and need to quit. He said that he already knew, but he though that I seemed fine, taking care of our 3 month old daughter just fine and that other that spending too much money all was JUST FINE. Okay, I said that I'm not fine and I need to go into detox. He absolutely refused to let me go! He said there is no way that I could go, noone could take care of our baby and he could not do it himself. I would have to detox at home. I said, I could try to do it but I will need help. He said...(get this) just stop and take a couple of shot s of Vodka if I get shaky. So here I am, he's at work....I have Vodka and a 3 month old. Thank God I have a few pills left. He took the rest that I didn't have hidden. I cannot beleive this! What the hell am I in for?

[spook]

I think it was just one of many quotes or things he said,he used a Psychoanalytical Paranoic/Critical Method(his own invention) of understanding his way of seeing(interpreting) his life,His art does not stem from anger,as a fellow ex-surrealist Painter,I am sure that his painting represented an interpretation of a self he never really fully understood and expressed it with his art.
And it is not just self one analysis,our whole view of reality is an illusion propagated by the sensory system of the mind(brain),their is no concrete reality,humans presume they see the world as it is,but we lack the sensory organs to interpret all external information,so in effect we filter out irrelevent data,we can only hear from 20 to 20000Hz,we only see electromagnetic radiation in a spectrum from 400 to 700 nano metres,dogs can smell (discern between) thousands more odours than humans,Birds can see a worm from 300m.Time does not flow,time does not exist,their is a sequence of events but it is always NOW,ask any Physicist.What a Painter like Dali does is open up the reducing valve of this sensory information and paint a new reality,through the minds eye.
Without being judgemental their is a thin line between genious ans insanity.Maybe he liked playing with that line.
I have seen a lot a Dali`s Pictures of paintings but never an original Dali.His melting clocks represent the realization of the illusion of time.Dali did not make sense out of all of this especially his emotions,so his paintings are an attempt to explain the things I just put in words.
On top of that he experimented with LSD,so he has experienced synthesia,this is where one can "see" sound,taste colour,hear smells,etc.Also see patterns representing objects,like faces etc in abstract patterns.All this and more contributed to his Surreal Art.He had abundant Physical and Psychic energy and could paint for days.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I was in awe the first time I saw an exhibition of Dali's art years ago in Amsterdam.  Do you think that rage was his motivation or was it possibly some form of chemical enlightenment?  The man has always fascinated me nevertheless.

Life is bewildering at times!  J.B.

[spook]

I am glad you said I was trying to make sense out of this irrational world.Because that is my hope.It has taken long enough to make sense out of myself,now I am tackling something much more important.

Quote: "the enraged rationalist will pursue all their life ,the battle of the irrational"
                            Salvador Dali

[PS >>>>Annie]

If you can live w/ the pain (we shouldn't have too though) and don't have a responsible doctor carefully following your case, I
think maybe quitting is the best option.  I feel your despair and worry.  These withdrawals are horrible.  YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. TIMES WILL GET BETTER.  If all else fails, then maybe treatment is what you need.  What happens when your off the meds and the migraines return??? What then??? Have you had an MRI??  This maybe a cycle that will repeat itself time and time again.  I'm worried for you.  Keep me posted.
Hang in there,
annie

[HedHurtz]

Well Annie! In response to your question.
"Can you live in pain"?.......I can live, per se, but what kind of a life is it? I pray every day that I would just wake up "headache free"! Never happens. Right now, today I sit here in agony not only with a headache, but sweats and vomiting. As I look over a my blessed daughter who smiles at me NO MATTER WHAT, I wonder what will become of me, or her? I want to be here 100% for her, pain free, addiction free....but that is not one in the same! Will it ever be? Can you relate? My love is so powerful for her and I just want her happy, I will give up my life for her if it is the right thing for me to do. I just don't want to F*CK UP! (sorry) Pray for me, please!

[Brighty]

Cindi... I agree with Patrick... you have a special brand of tenderness and compassion and a very natural form of self expression... I always enjoy reading your posts... they seem to add a good level of caring and reality to the subject matter.... get a nice journal with a pretty cover and a nice pen... makes it more special...keep it by your bed or in your handbag when you are going places where you could end up with empty time... this will be a great way for you to hone your writing and chart your spiritual development. Thanks for all you have helped me with... wether you know it or not.

Love, Brighty