my story

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Im 39 years old and have a beautiful wife of 14 years and have 4 kids. I own a small construction company in Houston. I started using drugs in 1983 after my dad was killed in a car wreck. I was with my mom when we got the call and went with her to Herman hospital where he was life flighted, I remember sitting in a room with other families of people who were seriously injured and all the screaming and people freaking out. After several hours they sent a preist to see us, i was only a kid (14) I remember the look on his face still to this day. The doctors said they removed his spleen and did all they could do and sewed him up and we should wait. He died 45 min later. My mom and I walked up this long set of stairs to the operating room where I saw him and It changed my life forever. Soon after the funeral the insurance money came, I was already a full blown addict, Mom bought me a brand new mustang 5.0 right off the lot.I thought life was great. I went throught at least 400k of that money and all Ive gotten is a life of misery and dissapointment. I need to find a new way to live sober and quit running. hope and prayers Clay TX    

[marcatj]

Clay... have you had any counseling?

That is serious trauma you went through.

I went through similar trauma as a child... I had a brother who died tragically when I was 4.  I didn't even realize how badly that effected me until I got into counseling.  I just knew I was "acting out" in many ways...

At least you know the source of your pain...

I'm guessing you have a lot of unresolved feelings about it.  Which is perfectly normal.  But it is recoverable. With some work.

Life really doesn't have to be this way - being an addict, running from your pain.  

This is in no way preachy btw... it's what I did, too.

From your post, it seems that's your m.o. as well.  You can recover from this - the trauma, and the addiction.

If you haven't had any good, extensive counseling, I would suggest you start there.  It's a painful process, but in the end - can be truly liberating.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.  Please know you CAN recover and live a wonderful life though, without walking around with all of that pain.  I promise you you can...

You will be in my prayers tonight.  You CAN get past this.

with luv,
mj

[wannabefree330]

Wow, I can understand why you have been using for so many years.  My dad was killed in a car accident and it was horribly devastating for me.  I started popping pills heavily after that.  2 years after that, my mother (who was a full blown alcoholic) became very very ill, and when i found out she was already on life support.  We had spoken a few months before this and she told me she never wanted that when it came to the end of her life.  I stood there with my sister, and told the doctors to pull all her tubes and let her go.  I was still using.....Then my father in law, after being sick for about 4 years suddenly died.  It was just one tragedy after another.  I didn't know how to deal with the feelings I was having.  It was just easier to take the pills, then i didn't feel at all.  

Once the drugs are gone, you now start to FEEL again.  Sometimes you can't even recognize the feeling you have.  It is aggravating, and very scarey.  But, today- you can feel those.  Its great you have someone or multiple people to talk to about this.  PLEASE-use whatever resource necessary to talk about your feelings.  They may be uncomfortable to you, but they are NEVER WRONG!  allow yourself to feel them, and never turn back to the pill to allow you to escape.  Be VERY proud of yourself for recognizing your addiction, and your willingness, and wanting to get clean.  

[joann1975]

i am so glad you had such a great day! that is awesome....

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I forgot to mention that I was able to muster up enough energy to mow my yard and hang out at the pool all day with my family clean and sober. today was the best day ive had in a very long time. Clay TX

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i really dont like your screen name,your only beaten if you stop trying.In our addictions the days slip into months then years, when we turn around we have lost so much time that we cant get back. The good news is that when we give all we have to beat this monster we will get our happiness,joy and freedom hope and prayers Clay TX

[worried878]

agree...like there is never a good time in ur life to quit...just have to make it the here and now...be done and move forward

[Beaten]

Its so great that u can admit ur problem and very brave of u to share ur story. I personally thank you because i feel i may be able to learn from u. Being a 25 year old addict to opiats for almost a year and before that Cocaine. Its amazing how long we can continue on the way we do. as u said a "life time of misery" i always thought that there's no way i will still be using in a years time but it can easily be done. Thanks for opening my eyes. Congrats on the 7 days clean. this site is the best support iv'e come across yet. Keep up the good work. god bless

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Its people like you that makes staying clean worthwile, thank you you made my day and i hope you have a blessed day..........

[worried878]

sounds like u r moving forward...and that u have a plan and sticking to it...congrats...time heals all..i hope so anyway  LOL

[bandnmom]

Congrats to you on making a great choice to better your life. it is not easy but you can do it. Sounds like your family is supportive so that will help so much. You will love this forum. Everyone here is great and offers so much support and advice. It truly was a godsend for me. I was 7 moinths clean on the 1st of July and i owe that to this forum. Stick around and post, post, post. Nothing you do or say will shock anyone. We have all been there done that. When i am having a ruff day i still come on and post.
When u said that u just have to take more to get the same affect...remember that. ITs so true. Its not worth it anymore and that effect you get is nothing like it use to be. Its not even fun anymore..is it? Just remember that you dont need those stinkin pills anymore and life is going to be so great clean. It is a hard battle but u can do it. You didnt do this to yourself over night so you are not going to fix it overnight. It definetly takes time but in the end you will look back and be so proud of yourself that you stuck with it and did it!! A clean life is a better life!!! Oh one more thing..since you dont have insurance i can only imagine the money you were spending on the pills. Think how much more money you are going to have. Save it and treat yourself and wife to a great vacation on your 1year clean mark or whenever. Its always nice to have something great to look forward to! Good luck to you and stay strong!!

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i was taking 25-30 lorcet and soma a day, Im starting to get out of the benzo fog but i worried that nothing seems to make me happy. i know its a long road ahead and that im doing the easy part rigtht now. I couldnt even think of going back to work for a week or 2. My family was giong to send me to vista bay in northern cali. but Texas is locked down for felony probationers,i picked up my 3 dui last year in may on pain meds and somas, I went to court and the judge took me in his chambers and told me i could be on my meds as long as i didnt dr shop,get real im an addict 1 script would only last 4 days, I would just have to take more to get the same affect,

[joann1975]

good for you on having the aftercare plan! the benzo taper seems fast but i am sure your dr is working with you on that one....


i am sure n/a will work great for you....and you should use the forum as much as you can! glad you are clean

congrats on the 7 days!

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well i have 7 days today,a chem. dep phsy. has me on librium,serquel,chlonidine and wellbutrin(cant spell?) I started the benzo taper yesterday and will be benzo free tomorrow. I go see a dr. on mon to get a full check up, but with no insurance is costing a small fortune. Im starting n/a mon night to find some sober friends. I just finished Intensive out pat, 45 day and then i went to supportive for 3 monthes. For the past 6 years my drug of choice has been lorcet and soma, i was up to 25 to 30 of each a day and it didnt seem to be doing anything for me but keeping me from being sick.

[joann1975]

Thank  you for sharing your story with us....it's brave and shows you want to get clean! What type of drugs do you use? This forum is wonderful for support & information and I wouldn't be clean w/o it!

Feel free to post anytime....questions...whatever you need to..you will find support here!

JoAnn