What will it take?

[fedup4now]

I have stuggled forever with addiction - I have been clean from oxy, and Alcohol for over 2 months now - but I know I am addicted to tramadol and benzo's - tramadol was the "non addictive" drug my Dr put me on when I told her about my addiction to oxy - the benzo's I have been using forever to sleep - I just never thought about it being a problem - I take a bunch at night to sleep.  I have been on this forum for a while, posting the odd time - trying to get up the courage to stop this once and for all.  I thought I was done with it - I stopped drinking after 15 years, and quit the oxy after about 4 years of abuse - snorting them at the end.  Now I am hooked on tramadol -I tried to stop - but the withdrawal was nothing I had ever felt before - crazy depression, chills, pain, nausea etc - way worse than the oxy.
I fooled myself for a while - tramadol wasn't really a drug - the dr said so - but as I chew them and take about 900mgs a day - it's a little hard to pretend it is not a problem.  
How do I do this - convince myself - | just seem to want to ignore that part of my life - but how can I - it's my who life, I am buying, scheming, ordering on line or lying to the people in my life to maintain this.
What's it going to take to make me quit this - how slow can I be?  I figure if I am going to be addicted I might as well go back to the oxy - the rush was way better!

[redrodeo]

Now I got the picture. You told them about the drinking and oxys but not about the ultram. It sure sounds familiar. Just tell the truth. Its only a big deal in your mind
Red

[sadinmichigan]

You can do this ! Just like you did with quitting drinking and oxys..btw..congrats..that is something to be proud of. As far as tramadol..how were you to know they were so bad?? Seems alot of people have been burned by them and most have been totally unsuspecting of the w/ds from the supposed "non addicting" drug..first you must stop chewing them which I am sure you are well aware of..and now you need to taper those..go slow and if you have someone that can help you with sticking to your daily amount that would be great. Don't lose hope..you can do this. And your not alone..we are all here for you.

[fedup4now]

Honesty - not exactly my strong suit.  I guess it is the same for most of us - I have spent so much time lying and manipulation even I don't know the truth sometimes.
I know I will have to swallow my pride - come to terms with where I am and fess up.  But part of me still wants to do this on my own, and no one will be any the wiser!

[worried878]

I guess u have to admit that u have a new problem...but it sounds like u have come to terms with it as far as ur own mind....and that is what is important..pleasing everyone else is not the key here...u know and u have admitted it...and u will do something about it....so now u just gotta move forward

[GoingToMakeIt]

You mentioned a very key word here. Honesty is everything when it comes to staying or even getting clean. Honesty with yourself and others. We need to get past the guilt and realize some of this is because of the way the drugs work on us. They create dependency. Yes we cross the line but I do not blame all of where I am on my choices. Some may disagree, but this is what I believe. I am in no way saying we shouldn't take responsibility for what we have done. We need to be honest that we did do this. We need to be honest that they (drugs) are stronger than us.

[fedup4now]

I know you are right -  I do go to AA, and get some counselling - but am not honset about the tramadol.  I am embarassed - everybody is patting me on the back - "way to go, alcohol and oxy - 2 months - good for you"  I really just want this to go this away, I spend too much time pretending it doesn't exist, just kind of living in a fog of denial.  Somehow I have to make this real for me.

[worried878]

Ok   LOL...now i have that phrase down pat gtm

[redrodeo]

Hey
     You didn't say how old you were. For me age was a factor. It didn't seem like I was going to be fortunate enough to die, but my body, soul and mind just couldn't take it anymore. Sounds like you are getting there. Have you ever been to treatment? I've had 2 different bouts of sobriety first was 1988 to 1993, I was a herion addict, methadone addict and xanex addict. So I stayed sober thru AA from88 to 93 then relapsed. Then I got sober again in 1996 and have made it this far. All I can tell you is what they told me
that my honesty about what I had been doing was going to be my saving grace. But it was a very long road prison 2 times, 8 treatment centers did everything it sounds like you are doing. But you still have a chance. You've got to get it in your head that you cannot pick up anything, ZERO. Trust me, after a period of time you will not miss that BS. Bad news is you have to go to some 12 step program. There full of people like us.
And at sometime you are going to have to come to a understanding and relationship with God. You know you are dealing with something much stronger then you don't you?
     Think about it
     Red

[GoingToMakeIt]

The other thing we always say is aftercare. Get some counseling to find out why you use. Join NA or AA.

"When your desire to get clean, is stronger than your desire to use. Then, you will get clean" GTMI

[merrymaria]

you must truly want to end this xxxx. and be honest with those who love you.  once you get over the hump it gets better  for me 5 days..and this forum helps me so much..instead of popping pills i am popping posts.  tramadol is very addicting and docs say no it isnt but it is.  just devote some time to yourself if you can..we are all in this boat together and here for each other.  try to read some posts and you will relate.  i ll say a prayer for you and let me know if i may help.  28 days here yessss take care  maria

[worried878]

sounds like a dilemna...i would  choose the oxy over 900 mg of trams as well...but i dont think that is what u r asking...what comes to mind is what gtm always says....ur desire to quit has to be stronger than ur desire to use...then u will let them go...sounds like u have traded one addiction for another...kicking trams can be harder than kicking oxy...i have heard of people actually going back to hydros or oxys then tapering down to quit the trams....risky business as u may get lost in oxy land again...but now u r in tram land...no better at all.....tapering slowly and letting someone hold ur pills will possibly help u..it is hard for an addict to taper alone....u know u can quit as u have some really hard addictions u have conquered already....and ur doctor can help as well if u can talk to him/her....gotta make a plan..keep posting