MY RELAPSE CONFESSION

[flmagi]

I started back using sometime around Christmas. Family & friends know about it. But I have been to ashamed to tell anyone here. I also didn't want to discourage any newbies. I have no doubt some of you suspected the relapse.  I had been clean about 2 months, but as some of you know, I had become very depressed. Life was just so bad. Excuses.  I turned the pills away a few times, had them in my hands. I was so proud of myself. But it just took the right triggers at the right time and I lost. The anti-depressants I started taking weren't working fast enough.  So, work has picked up, actually getting slammed with jobs (good thing). Don't have the time to go thru withdrawels and certainly can't deal with the depression again. But I hate this. Don't want to take these pills anymore. So, so angry I ever got started on this stuff. What have I done to my life? I know so many things would be different if I had never started. Oh god, such a major life fuk up.  Major fuk up!!!    So Wed. we're (yes,Mary too)(sorry Mary) off to the Doctor to get on Suboxone. We're very excited about doing this and moving in a positive direction. A permanent positive direction.  We have no insurance, so it's gonna cost a bundle, but well worth it , I hope. Most every one that has or is on it, seems to swear by it. Wish us luck.
I feel I have deceived all of you by not admitting my relapse. I'm so sorry. But I could not really do that without turning Mary in too, and thats not my place to do Marys confession. I told her I was fessing up now. Its time. Long over due.
To all the newbies getting clean: Watch and plan ahead for trigger points. They will happen to the strongest of us. Be prepared, be strong.

[avisg]

I love you both , big hugs ,not beating yourselfs up!!! On to the sub doctor ...have you thought about how long you two want to be on it . I hear a short taper and off works quite well . lisacamdave just did that you might want to have a chat with her.I am here for you both .
avis

[flmagi]

Thanks for the info. How long have you been off the Sub? How did you feel within the weeks after coming off it? Tired etc?  How long were you on the pain meds? When you say you felt "normal" on the sub, do you mean, Normal like on pain meds or normal like before pain meds? lol.  I want to feel normal like before all this hell. I don't want to feel high or anything, but I can't afford to be tired with any lack of motivation.  Just real curious about during sub use and after.  
So, the longer I'm on the sub, I can expect to have withdrawels from the sub?
Thanks again for the info.
Magi

[girlybuff]

No punishment.... just prayers and encouragement.  
There should only be shame if you chose to continue to live in the problem.  You're heade towards the solution now.

[allaboutmary]

Mad at Magi for not confessing yesterday when I had all day to type up my confession.  Now I have to rush to work, wondering about all the responces.lol   Will be back later to take me punishment.  Very ashamed, Mary

[girlybuff]

I took Subutex not Suboxone.  I can tell you that on day one after not having taken anything for 15 hours (and I was up to 300 mg of percocet a day) that I took 4 mg in the office, waited a half hour, took 4 more, felt ok, went home, in about 2 hours I took 4 more then later that night I took 4 more so that's a total of 12 mg.  The tranformation of how quickly I felt like I was dying from w/d to feeling like a human was miraculous!
I was told to use that as my dosage from then on.  I didn't.  I took the very least amount possible to make me feel normal and that's exactly how it made me feel, normal.
I did find that I got the occasional headache but it wasn't a big deal.  My dosage for that day was probably too high.
Over the course of the next 21 days I lowered my dosage by 2 mg every 3 days until I was barely taking a crumb.  When I stopped, I experienced w/d for about a day or 2 but it was mostly sweats and chills and lethargy.  It was nothing compared to what I had been through in the past.

[flmagi]

I need to add that I'm not blaming Mary for my lack of confession. I was really just to ashamed to admit my fall. I haven't posted much because i didn't want to feel like a hipocrit and haven't had much good to say. Don't like bringing poeple down.

I also have some questions about the Sub for people that have gone that route.
Does it cause headaches at first?
Sick to your stomach?
Are you still tired, lack of motivation?
Thanks everyone,
Magi