Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[SecondBySecond]

Getting offline for tonight.  I will check in tomorrow!  Thank you all for the encouragement!  It is extremely helpful for me to be talking to people who understand...more helpful than I ever thought it would be...I feel good tonight, I am optimistic, I am a Dope Less Hope Fiend!!.....:-)

[SecondBySecond]

My wife was glad I coughed them up....She asked why I did not give them to her immediately...  I explained to her I am stupid, and I rationalized having them in ridiculous ways...  I see it all, I know what I should and shouldn't do...  But knowing doesn't make it easier for me...but speaking to people like you does...  Thanks for taking the time to comment

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!!...I appreciate your words or encouragement!..  Your right, today is my first day here, but talking to everyone has really helped.  Thank you all!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks again....but as you pointed out initially they are gone!...of course I sound absurd, of course my addict mind is feeding me BS, I quit a mere two weeks ago...I am sure your mind told you similar BS in the early stage of your recovery?  Am I any different than you were at FIRST, any different thought process than many of us here in the early stages of recovery?  Let's focus on the positive...  I am not trying to disregard your opinion..  Not by any means...you think some of the things I have said sound absurd, I Agee to a point...but what is the main goal here?  Mine is to quit opiates...  We all may take different paths, you may have tossed them out the window, another man may of flushed them immediately, yet another man may have ate them!!... At the end of the day, they are gone....  If I told you every single thought that passes through my mind through out the day, you would think I was a lune!... But that is irrelevant to me.  What matters is not using, regardless of what I tell me self or how I rationalize not using for the day, my goal is to not use at the end of the day, by any means necessary...  If I have to tell myself my house will burn down in order for me not to use for that moment, so be it!..  I understand your intention is to help, I understand that some of my thoughts may not be rational, but I am a baby in this recovery thing my
man... I am learning...  I am not trying to justify my thought process at all times...some times I have moments of clarity, some times I think like an addict... What matters is they are gone, wether I threw them out the window, or set them on fire, they are gone...but again, please know I appreciate your feedback...  I understand where you are coming from...  I understand you are telling me my thought process at times is that of an addict...  I get it...  However I do not think I am unique in this regard...  Thanks again for taking time out to give me your opinion and insight...  Enjoy your evening...  God bless..

[ROSYouralright]

What did your wife have to say about it all?

[kyle505]

"Well...I have kids, my thought process was if I throw these out the window, what if a kid finds them and takes them?"...  My final comment for this evening.  Read that. It is a perfect example of your addict's brain making excuses, controlling you. Can you see how absurd your statement is? And the longer you are with out meds, the more your mind will push, and the more absurd your reasoning, or lack of, will get.  
Please be careful. You are at a dangerous point right now.
K