Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks...I have had that thought swirling in my mind since I got them, give them to my wife, show her you mean business!...Then the addiction says "You paid good money for those, your just going to throw them out?"  In reality, I know I must get rid of them.  In reality I know that the money I spent on those 4 pills is nothing compared to what I have, and will spend, if I continue on this deadly path.  I hate that I ever tried oxy!  I should have known better.. Addiction runs in my family.  Every SINGLE drug/mild altering substance I have ever tried I formed a habit with!  I couldn't stop using nasal spray decongestant for over a year, for crying out loud!..lol..
But at least lately my rational mind has been standing up to the addict in me more and more...  I know what is right, and what must be done...I need to put it to work!..my life depends on it!...Thanks again!

[SecondBySecond]

:-) The toilet has yet to flush...I am driving home from work at the moment.  I plan to get rid of them when I get home...either flush them or hand over to my wife?

[SecondBySecond]

Question...How does one get involved at an NA meeting.  I went once before, sat through a meeting, no one acknowledged me or said a word to me.  The meeting ended, I went home never to return.  

[clean_in_ks]

Change is GOOD......nothing changes until SOMETHING changes.

We're pretty much gonna nag ya until we here the flusher ya know?  LOL
Or the garbage disposal will work, too :)

We coach a lot of peeps into the flushing ritual around here....and when you become willing to TOTALLY let go...and say goodbye....you'll be ANXIOUS to flush them.
I begged my hubby to get them outta the house the VERY NIGHT I quit....he was pooped, so he waited until the next morning to do that for me.
I wanted and needed ZERO temptation.....

But just remember, we have no need for a back up plan if we are TRULY done~

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!..And I appreciate the nagging, I need it.  You are right, there is absolutely no need to have them!....originally I thought, "let's see how strong you really are, let's see if you can keep yourself from taking them!"  Obviously that was a stupid train of thought.  In reality I see now it was just the addiction saying "keep them around in case you NEED them!" NEED THEM?...lol...
No one has ever died from not taking opiates...they are not required to live!..lol
Thanks again for your insight and input...I appreciate it!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks...just getting this stuff off my chest helps...talking to people instead of arguing with myself...lol