Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[clean_in_ks]

I wondered the same thing, Kyle....out the window

[clean_in_ks]

You reminded me of the first time it "dawned on me" that I truly DO have the "power of choice".  

Also, a couple things you said reminded me of a couple of ditties I wrote down when I first got clean:

"There is never a good time to quit, only the time you make to quit."

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way.  If not, you'll find an excuse."

Kudos on the "hand off" to your wife.....let recovery begin!

[kyle505]

Not to beat a dead horse, but why didn't you just toss the pills out the window as you were driving? Why had them over to your wife? Did she need to see that you are serious by you giving her the pills? I don't get it, but I guess the bottom line is you did get rid of them. That's a start.
K

[SecondBySecond]

Thank you...

[SecondBySecond]

Thank you for taking time out to comment..I know exactly what you mean, but there is NEVER going to be a "good" time to quit, I have learned you just have to do it, nothing that is going on is more important than your life!...Thank you for giving me credit for going through WD, I appreciate that... I am learning that the physical part is terrible, but it's the easiest part..keeping clean, now that's the real struggle!  I did not speak at the NA meeting I went to..the one I went to had a ton of people there, and I did not know how to conduct myself.  We both need to cut our dealers off, they DO NOT care about us, no matter what they say, they just pretend because we are giving them money.  I personally am disgusted in how much money I have given to my "dealer"....thinking of all the thinks he bought with MY money pisses me off!!..lol...but again, no ones fault but my own.  When I was WD I told myself that I did this, I chose to be in this position, this is no ones fault but my own...well, while that is true, I now choose to stop, I now choose to be done with this!...I just have to learn to stay out of my mind for now, it's a bad neighborhood, I must keep busy, keep distracted keep pushing!..  I know you can quit too!..  I think ANYONE can!...again, there WILL never be a good time, there will always be an excuse...at least for me there was....but you and I must realize NOTHING is more important than our lives...what you think may not get done while you quit will never get done if we are dead or in jail etc....  Again..Thank you very much for taking time out of your life to help me with mine..  Thank you all, no one here knows me, no one here owes me anything...yet so many have reached out to me with words of encouragement and enlightenment...for that I am grateful...  Thank you all for being here in one of the hardest times of my life... Thank you..Thank you..Thank you!!

[vicki595]

Good work!  That's a big step forward!