Dealing with being clean

[youngdude421]

Hey everybody i havent posted in a while..... i got clean not too long ago and today is day 66 of my sobriety. Overall its good and i wouldnt trade it for the world but dont get me wrong its no bed of roses either mary poppins isnt flying around anywhere, havent seen her. Right now im dealing with a pretty big resentment thats almost all consuming. Thorughout my whole life my father raised me in a "hands off" fashion. His theory is that we would learn from our mistakes and learn the hard way but i have to say i think he took that to an extreme. This is humbling for me to say but im trying to bounce back from a serious drug addiction and im not employable yet and im not ready for school im doing the slow recovery thing as much as i didnt want to like i said its very humbling. Recently i told my father how much clean time i had and he gave zero reaction, i might as well had told him what i ate for lunch hes like yeah well why arent u working. Like i said my whole life hes been hands off , hes enabled me wehter he knew it or not, and now im like screaming 'WHere where you when i was dope sick in your house?" "Where where you when i was stirring up drug cocktails one room away from you that could have killed me?" Don't get me wrong i take full responsibility for the path i chose in life i own my actions. It just really gets me how he missed these things that were going on right under his nose and i love how he thinks now he can tell me what to do like hes trying to make up for the past 22 years. Im an adult i dont live under his roof and now he thinks he can tell me what to do, talk about being confused about where your dad is coming from and where hes been coming from.
thanks,
  John

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

There doees seem to be a heck of a lot more than everybody thinks to quiting the narcs.......I liked the part about not having anything to post about once you werent using actively --------- still a lot going on --- isnt there??   And there are some circumstances that that say to use another substance for some reason or the other ------ Could even get confusing if you dont have all the ten dollar words memorized -------  PM me anytime if you wish to chat and nobodys home .....................................................

[worried878]

yey..clean time brought reflection for me..on the past..and i realized what my true triggers were..they hit me like a ton of bricks!  quite a revelation and were things i realized i needed to work on from my past..things i needed to let go

[youngdude421]

thanks for the feedback everybody, ive seen the HALT slogan its a really good one for me to think of right now im shure that sign is gonna be talking right to me when i go to my meeting tonight i feel a litle bit better but i can still feel the anger in my gut but theres alot worse things i could be feeling whats funny is i thought i would have nothing to post about once i got clean boy was i kidding myself

[liscamdave]

well said bondage....

[refusingbondage]

What's with the resentment anyway?  I find myself resenting everything, everyone and life in general because I just dont feel 'good,' shiny or happy.  

Young - You gotta look past all the issues with dad.  No parents are perfect, some are downright awful, and Clamity is right- many people who love addicts- parents or wifes or husbands, are in denial.  It is good though that you are feeling this and getting it out -keeping stuff in will ruin you.  Its very hard to talk to non addicts about how hard addiction is or to even show how PROUD you are for getting clean.  They dont get it.  Even if they love us - I've been constantly getting the reaction: "Great, now lets move on in life"  When Im so proud of myself for even admitting addiction and getting clean it seems everyone on 'the outside' is over it.  But you can always find support here or at therapy or meetings where everyone will tell you how great you are doing and how proud you should be of yourself - and you should be.  Keep up the good fight.      

[Kova]

Hi.  ever think of going to therapy?  maybe it would help you work through some of these issues.

to Clamity:

I've heard that before-HALT.  i've never really understood what you are supposed to do about being tired, angry, or lonely. let's face it, there are times when you will be one or all of those and not be able to remedy it.  hunger is easy- you eat.  but not so easy to always sleep if tired, or have someone to hang out with if lonely, or stop yourself from feeling anger.  i just never got all that.

love and light,
Kova

[liscamdave]

When we have sound clean time, we have much more time to think about things. When you are high, you don't really care or want to think about anything that may be wrong, outside of the drug abuse. But now that you are clean and can reflect on the past and the parts that the people in your life you love play, you start to see the big picture. I think everyone resents themselves or someone they love in someway and can attrubite their parents to thier drug use, at least I do. I knew, my entire life, if I ever touched a drug I was bound for a life of addiction as both my parents were addicts so I knew it was in my blood to become an addict. And sure enough, one pill....the rest is history.

I am clean too, so congrats on your recovery and keep it up.You can't change anyone or how they react to things. I am sure your dad loves you and wants the best for you. Most people don't understand an addict and they never will no matter who they are and how close they are to the addict. Only an addict can understand another addict. So just keep in mind he knows nothing of what you went through and are going through.

Good Luck.
Lisa

[Clamity2]

Did you ever hear the expression H.A.L.T    dont get too hungry angry lonly or tired. If we spend time in resentments they will kill us. Sometimes. (MANY) I have to force myself to have positive thoughts. It's like a drug when I feed into my anger and resentment. It is sickening.  I don't know your dad but my parents have always been in denial about anything any of us did. They want to think everything is going just fine. People that have never been addicted to anything don't understand the work it takes to get the first 90 days.  By the way congrats on the clean time.  Now make a list mentally of the GOOD memories and attributes your dad has.