Tramadol nightmare

[tina466]

Today is day 8 of being completely clean from tramadol. I have been on this road before and know all too well the pain and suffering that tramadol and tramadol withdraw can cause. My battle with this evil drug started probably about 8 years ago. I broke my foot while vacationing in Mexico and the local pharmacy told me it was the closest pain med they had to Vicodin. I popped one pill and was hooked. I had no idea about the drug and what it was all about. It didn't really do much for my pain, but wow it made me feel energized and alive. After I came back to the states I googled it and couldn't believe I could order it online. So easy, too easy. From that point on it became part of my daily life. It was probably about 4 years later that my husband thought it was time I stopped. It was costing so much and deep down I knew I needed to quit. I hated waiting to see if my order was placed or had gone through, counting pills, waiting for my order to arrive. Plus we wanted to start trying to have kids, so I knew it was time. Oh, don't let me forget that I had 2 seizures during those last couple years. Scariest thing to have ever happen to me. I quit cold turkey, from taking about 15 pills a day. Something I strongly don't recommend for so many reasons but I was not strong enough to taper. I just wanted to get it over with. Plus I never thought the withdraw would be so bad. Oh my how it was so horribly bad. I was bed ridden for 2 weeks, flu symptoms, insomnia, restless legs, tummy trouble, you name it, I had it. The worst 2 weeks of my life. It was pure hell. After that it didn't even get much easier. Sure the physical part was a little better but even a month after I was so fatigued and depressed. I started to gain weight which didn't help the depression. So, of course, I started again. I was clean about 3 months, and just couldn't take it anymore. My husband was furious. I was ashamed. I made up excuses for why or told my husband I won't do it that much longer. Lies I tried to make myself believe. So it was prob about 6 months and I quit cold turkey again. Same hell. Was actually able to stay clean for 6 months and then I became pregnant.  My biggest motivation. My reason to stay clean. At least for about 2 years. My lil boy was probably about 1, and I dot know why, but I started again. I wish so much more than anything that I never picked those pills up again. I think I was bored, trying to adapt to being a stay at home mom. So fast forward about a year and a half to now, and I'm pregnant again. So, that was it. I knew I needed to stop, I really wanted to stop. I HATED living my life around these pills. So, it's been 8 days, 8 looong days and even longer nights. I don't advise cold turkey, especially while pregnant. My husband has no idea I ever started again and he would prob leave me if he knew. It's so very hard going through this alone. I feel so angry at myself. But that is good. You have to get mad, real mad. So mad that you don't go back. And I'm not. Ever. I feel ashamed, like I wasted away the first 2 years of my lil guys life, zoned out on these pills. The worst part is my patience, I really don't have any and that's not easy with a 2 year old. I try so hard not to take any of this out on him. He's so innocent in this, all of This is my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. I know there are so so many people out there struggling with this horrible drug and I feel for u. Stay strong though. You can do this. It's not easy, and the sooner you accept that it's not going to be an easy ride the better you will be. You have to go in fighting for your life back. I keep thinking to myself that I just want to feel "normal" again, but the truth is, I don't have any idea what normal is. Every day gets a tiny bit better, and it actually feels good to feel emotions and feelings again. Music has definitely helped me. It gives me some motivation to get through another hour. For those that are battling and wondering when a good time to stop is. There is no good time. It's never gonna be easy, it's never gonna be the "time". But 6 months from now, you'll be glad u chose now. Stay strong to all those struggling.

[tina466]

OxyTired, thank u so much for your post. And congrats to you on 9 months!! That much time in this "world" is amazing. You should be very proud. I have never taken Oxy so I can't quite relate with that but I have taken Hydro before and made stupid drug choices when I was a teenager. I've never in my life had this hard of time stopping anything before. Tramadol is something wicked, it definitely messes with the brain. We all have our demons though. It is so true about feeling normal though isn't it?? At first that is all I kept thinking until I realized that my "normal" isn't really all that Normal. I just want my life back. I know that it's gonna take time. I definitely didn't get in this hell overnight. Good luck to you and never stop fighting for that good life!!

[OxyTired]

You are doing so well, congrats! My DOC was oxycodone and I detoxed close to 9 months ago. I hear from the people here that c/t Tramadol is worse than oxy. I really dont  know how to compare the misery these pills provide.
As far as normal, I am still working a program to truly discover what that is. Its been so long ago I have forgotten.
These days I am ok with making progress in little steps. No halo yet, but I like myself now much more. I feel like I am learning to live the good life we all deserve. Your post is shining with your strength and resolve. Way to go, we can do this!!