Your thoughts please...you guys amaze me...

[looloo141]

Just wanted to post to say well done to you all, I have been lurking on here for a while, I read through your posts quite obsessively because they are truly fascinating..I'm at that point where I have this sudden realisation about what I have been doing to myself, and that's through reading all these posts..I love to read about the struggle, the success stories, the reasons why you all started taking substances, the reasons why you stopped..all of it..

Ok here's the deal, I don't know when things will change for me, or when I'll stop but I already know that I have a problem so I guess that's the first step??

I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, I have always had times where I have used illegal drugs and alcohol but they were mostly during manic times and recreationally during teenage rebellion.
My main problem now is prescription drugs. My partner is prescribed Tramadol and Co-codamol 30/500 ( i don't know the name in the US for it ) and I take them, on a daily basis, we both have, for about 2 years now, but for him it is actually for pain from a previous accident. I think he is addicted too, in a dependance way, whereas for me I will just about take anything that gets me high, whether that be Ritalin, tramadol, marajuana, alcohol, you name it I will take it... I am so ashamed and this is the first time I've ever spoken out about, obviously my partner knows I am taking his tablets but he thinks I have it under control as he stupidly thinks I am a super strong independant woman, when really this is because I am being held up by drugs..
I am fully aware of the risks to my health but still continue to do this..
I will mix drugs together that I know are contraindicated but don't care, I am careful to a degree, but thats usually because certain drugs together aren't going to get me high so are not worth bothering with..
I will take Zoloft with Tramadol ( seratonin syndrome!!!!) even though I'm not allowed Zoloft as it kicks off my mania..but I save old packets of tabs, because you never know when they might come in handy!!
I get drugs for side effects from my Bipolar meds, Trihexyphenidyl, I sometimes take that because it makes my legs feel funny, despite the fact it makes me feel paranoid and scared!
I risk taking things that will no doubt induce a manic or depressive episode, but I just do it anyway and suffer the consequences later..
I will mix cough syrup with de congestants just for the sake of it!
I have tried to formulate a plan to stop all this, and believe me I know whats going to happen because I have read up so much aout it..the thing is I will make a decision to stop the Tramadol and Co-codamol and then instantly find other meds to help me through it! Its crazy.. I am a really sensible person and believe it or not quite intelligent, I know exactly what I am doing, and I know what each individual drug is doing to me.. I must just be reckless or in denial, I just don't know....
Anyhoo, I'm just kind of hoping that if I keep reading your stories, one day something will make me see sense..
I don't know if this is associated with the Bipolar, I know a lot of BP patients have addictions and co-morbid conditions, but I feel like that would be me making excuses for myself!
Sometimes I think it's like some crazy form of self harm as I used to starve myself in punishment..
ASOLUTELY CANNOT TALK TO MY DOC ABOUT IT!!!
The really crazy thing is I never, ever, ever abuse my BP meds, I HATE taking them and will always try to take less than I need, unless they give me benzo's!! I love benzo's ( thats another off the list I forgot!! )
I am using the Bp forum on here and I am one of the top answerers! I have never spoken about my substance abuse on there though..I like to be able to help other people..
What a joke I am !!!!!!

[Jo_4451]

I just wanted to say hello and let you know that you have found a great place here. As I'm sure you figured out already! I am pretty new here and this place had helped me through these past two days so much. This is my 3 day clean and without a doubt this place has helped me through it. People here are so understanding and loving and you never have to lie bc no one judges you and helps you in every way they can. It's just amazing!
I just wanted to say congrats on taking the first step and finding your way here. And I know you don't know me but trust me I can relate and feel your struggle, plz do me a favor and NEVER EVER SAY YOU ARE A JOKE!!! you are human and we are not perfect. Good luck to you

[gnarly_1]

HI.....IM  bipolar also so I know the challenges.....but it dosent mean you cant do this I have been able to leave it all behind and so can you but you got to want it bad and you cant cheat by using one thing but not another you have to be willing to leave it all behind to do this
I have also self medicated all my life but it dosent have to be like that if you put your mind to it and get some help you can get clean and I will be the first to say living clean with this disorder is not only better you will find you deal a lot less with symptoms once you get past the initial withdrawal ....keep reading the posts and post back for support if you need help I will help you all I can this ant ez but it is so so worth it once you make it to the other side good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[looloo141]

Thankyou all.. everything you say makes sense.
I think I have some underlying mood swings going on, I need to contact my team about it.
I'm one of those people that needs to listen to my own advice!
@worried78 self destructive, thats definitely me!! Lol..
@ladywithtime I'm sorry you have major depressive disorder, I was originally diagnosed with that years ago, and from what I understand the episodes are as hellish as Bp depression and can be resistant to treatment.. is that right? I used to get psychotic symptoms aswell.
Laura, I am addicted to pain killers, codeine and tramadol but if I run out of one of them I can just about manage with one but I take double the recommended dose. With the tramadol I am a little bit more careful, I know the max daily dose is 400mg, I do try to stay around that limit as it can react with Bp meds..although sometimes I'll just take more.
The thing is 12 weeks ago I stopped smoking! So I can do things when I want to lol!
I am reallly confused as to whether I should tell my pdoc and Cpn. They know I take drugs when I'm high, I.e marajuana, but they don't know I'd smoke it if it was there in front of me no matter what my mood is..although after talking with my partner we managed to control
this slightly and can go a couple of months without it, although its partly because I have kids and I don't have opportunity to have it, I would never smoke it around them, their Dads are morons and they only have me as a role model, I'm not about to screw their lives up aswell..
Although they must know about the pills, they are not stupid.
Doctors in the Uk frown upon drug use, after 14 years of mental health probs, I have claimed disability for the last 6 months and I'm scared if I confess about the drugs they will say its my own fault! I started having problems with my moods age 11, I took an overdose and used to starve myself, as a punishment. I would like the help of a doctor but I'm scared he will withdraw all support, sometimes I do need drugs, sometimes I need benzos to calm a mixed episode..

[Hatetrampillz]

Addiction sux. No way around that fact. Glad that you are posting. We are ALL fighting our demons. Hope that you set a quit date. You will be happy in the end. Sara and Gnarly are the people to listen to around here along with worried and ladywithtime of course :)

[ladywithtime]

i too have a mental illness--major depressive disorder--no mania, just depression. they say that the majority of substance abusers are dual diagnosis...we have mental health issues, we feel bad (or good) and self medicate. i was like you, i would take several substances at once (pain meds, cocaine and benzos) and whilst i knew it was a deadly cocktail, i did nontheless.

i'm glad that you're realizing that this is really, really bad and NOTHING good will come of it...this is really the first step. keep reading and posting and learn about addiction and how insidious it is and when you're ready, we are here...God Bless.

[looloo141]

I've noticed during lurking that there's always someone around here..thats really good.
Hope someone UNDERSTANDS!
It feels even with the nearest and dearest that nobody gets me at all, my mind is like a minefield all the time and I use these crazy drugs to "help" when all they do is take me to the start again..
Popping in the shower now cos my partner has took the kids to the supermarket and out for tea, to give me some space as it is the Summer hols here..I think he's expecting me to be showered and at least out of my pj's when he gets back, so off I go lol..
Feel better that I've posted, you are all strangers but it's comforting to know that I've told someone.
Cheers

[looloo141]

Thankyou for your speedy reply! I just don't know what to think anymore!
speak soon

[dominosarah]

You are in no way a joke looloo.  I am so glad you found the courage to post.  I am heading to work here shortly but just wanted to say hi.  I will check on you when i get home tonight.  sara