Just wanted to post to say well done to you all, I have been lurking on here for a while, I read through your posts quite obsessively because they are truly fascinating..I'm at that point where I have this sudden realisation about what I have been doing to myself, and that's through reading all these posts..I love to read about the struggle, the success stories, the reasons why you all started taking substances, the reasons why you stopped..all of it..
Ok here's the deal, I don't know when things will change for me, or when I'll stop but I already know that I have a problem so I guess that's the first step??
I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, I have always had times where I have used illegal drugs and alcohol but they were mostly during manic times and recreationally during teenage rebellion.
My main problem now is prescription drugs. My partner is prescribed Tramadol and Co-codamol 30/500 ( i don't know the name in the US for it ) and I take them, on a daily basis, we both have, for about 2 years now, but for him it is actually for pain from a previous accident. I think he is addicted too, in a dependance way, whereas for me I will just about take anything that gets me high, whether that be Ritalin, tramadol, marajuana, alcohol, you name it I will take it... I am so ashamed and this is the first time I've ever spoken out about, obviously my partner knows I am taking his tablets but he thinks I have it under control as he stupidly thinks I am a super strong independant woman, when really this is because I am being held up by drugs..
I am fully aware of the risks to my health but still continue to do this..
I will mix drugs together that I know are contraindicated but don't care, I am careful to a degree, but thats usually because certain drugs together aren't going to get me high so are not worth bothering with..
I will take Zoloft with Tramadol ( seratonin syndrome!!!!) even though I'm not allowed Zoloft as it kicks off my mania..but I save old packets of tabs, because you never know when they might come in handy!!
I get drugs for side effects from my Bipolar meds, Trihexyphenidyl, I sometimes take that because it makes my legs feel funny, despite the fact it makes me feel paranoid and scared!
I risk taking things that will no doubt induce a manic or depressive episode, but I just do it anyway and suffer the consequences later..
I will mix cough syrup with de congestants just for the sake of it!
I have tried to formulate a plan to stop all this, and believe me I know whats going to happen because I have read up so much aout it..the thing is I will make a decision to stop the Tramadol and Co-codamol and then instantly find other meds to help me through it! Its crazy.. I am a really sensible person and believe it or not quite intelligent, I know exactly what I am doing, and I know what each individual drug is doing to me.. I must just be reckless or in denial, I just don't know....
Anyhoo, I'm just kind of hoping that if I keep reading your stories, one day something will make me see sense..
I don't know if this is associated with the Bipolar, I know a lot of BP patients have addictions and co-morbid conditions, but I feel like that would be me making excuses for myself!
Sometimes I think it's like some crazy form of self harm as I used to starve myself in punishment..
ASOLUTELY CANNOT TALK TO MY DOC ABOUT IT!!!
The really crazy thing is I never, ever, ever abuse my BP meds, I HATE taking them and will always try to take less than I need, unless they give me benzo's!! I love benzo's ( thats another off the list I forgot!! )
I am using the Bp forum on here and I am one of the top answerers! I have never spoken about my substance abuse on there though..I like to be able to help other people..
What a joke I am !!!!!!
That is often the very first step and so so many never make that first step..so u shld be proud..U r not totally self destructive! LOL
It jst seems like addiction has a way of getting worse and worse and weaving itself into every part of our lives after a whhile. It takes over and that little piece inside called "me" will fight to get out and get control back...we dont want to lose ourselves...most of us like ourselves or the folks around us lke us too much to let drugs or alcohol take us away
The health pages r full of great info...what are you addicted to? Or do u jst abuse whatever is available? There are different types of addicts...they come in all shapes and sizes too!
Meetings r free tho most resist this proven road to freedom like the plague. ...part of addiction i guess...addiction wants to hang on so bad it screws up our thought processes and we dont seek the help we need
this is a great place to start and glad to see u posting
Laura...I am an addict