me again

[dede2121]

i joined a couple months ago thinking i would stop this. well i got back into my old habits. now this is what i don't get, how can i be addicted taking one maybe one and a half a day. and sometimes not everyday. sometimes i will go 2 days without. what is the problem?

[CATUF]

Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. You can't predict it's twists and turns, but like a river it only flows one way . . . down hill.

Most of us who became constant, out-of-control, over-the-top, late-stage drug addicts started with very low level use, once in a while. Looking back, I can see that there was a huge problem long before I had any idea that I was in trouble.  But I couldn't see it until it was almost tooo late.

CATUF
1988

[DayToTry]

Actually I wonder the same thing about myself.  I didn't always take them every day but more and more I took them every day.  I'd been taking them for about 5 years though.  I was prescribed 2 a day and took 3 a day sometimes 4.  For the longest time though I didn't take them on the weekends.  Pretty much up until this year.  Also we get drug tested at work so ever so often I'd have to not take them to pass the test and while I always thought, "This is a bummer"  I never had the massive withdrawals I see others on here talk about.

But the thing is ... I know I was doing stuff not right.  Figuring out ways to get more from my dr.  Always wondering about taking the next pill.  Making sure I took one before doing this or that activity.  Worrying about running out.  These things I do see as addictive behavior so whatever ... I think its best to just put them down.  Especially after reading this board and seeing others.

I started reading the board about a year ago and I was just like you.  "I don't take very many, I don't take them every day.  I don't think its that big a deal for me".  I had a very difficult year emotionally personally and I ended up relying on the pills to help me get thru.  That was mistake.  I'd sure like to go back a year ago and not stop reading the board ... to have quit a year ago.  

My point is ... If you're wondering if you have a problem then its starting to become a problem even if its not now.  I wish I'd have stopped at that point and it would be wonderful if someone else could learn from my mistake instead of having to make their own mistake.

[atthebeach]

welcome back, don't go there to shoulda,woulda,coulda.don't look back at past mistakes we all have them. just look forward, today is the first day od the rest of your life. if you are always thinking about if you have enougrt from wherever you can get it. th, counting them, afraid to run out,cant get through activities,days, events without them. then they are in control not you.you need to regain control of your life,body,thoughts and mind.you need to break the chains of addiction, it is a bondage. start to go to na,aa. keep posting. get suppot from wherever you can. get rid of all your pills and start your life of freedom today.
god bless,
debbie

[gnarly_1]

one is to many and 1000 is not enough.......Gnarly  

[pillfree21]

The good thing is that your habit was low, the bad thing is that it is a habit.  So whether it is one or one hundred, it still is something that has created a problem for you, and deep down, I think you know that.  It would  be nice if addiction had to explain itself to us, but it doesn't.  It just forces us to relinquish control and it is on us to get that control back.

Learn from the past, change in the present, and enjoy the future....good luck.  Someone wise posted a quote that is simple but very deep....:Nothing will ever change if nothing changes."

[jeffclowns]

u can do it  just stay strong and keep at it..rome wasn't built in a day...

[throwindatowl]

The road to recovery  is going to be interesting. Im on that road now. Its tough. Be glad you just wont accept that for yourself. Fight for yourself. Thats all you gotta do. I relapsed alot of times. Why?? Sure wish I knew. Dont think theres just one answer to the question. I dont want to be a pill head. I dont. I wont. Im my 2nd day into quiting feeling rough. Im not a pill head today. Im clean. It feels good to say that. Fight for yourself, You can do it. I realize Ill be fighting for myself each day.

[dede2121]

i am on day 2 without. i did tell my daughter and my brother. well haha. who was i kidding. they knew. my  brother was helping me out finacially but has cut me off. al.though he will talk to me. but he will not give me anymore of his money to spend on pills.
also i lost my job for the very reason of being on pills. i don't know how much lower i can go.
all this thinking going on in my head is driving me nuts. but someone told me earlier i just need to get my heart right first and then my head will follow.
thank you all so much for responding. it helps so much to read. i am going to try to find an na meeting to go to tonight. i have heard that helps alot of people.
thanks again guys and dont forget about me. please keep posting to me

[dede2121]

you know i keep thinking about all the trouble i have gotten myself into with this addiction. doctor shopping and not even having insurance. letting my bills go to buy pills. will i ever get out of that debt?
like i said earlier i am on day 2 almost 2and a half. i hope i do start feeling better. i live with my daughter and i have to pay my share. she is somewhat understanding with me but she doesnt understand addiction. i want to talk about it but she keeps telling me just to get better. i want that more than anything in this world. i am although worried about the depression that may follow. because i have somewhat been depressed for several years. i was prescribed anti depressants but never would follow thru with them. but if it had been a hydro i bet i would have taken it on a daily basis.
anyway i am starting to get the rls and someone gave me a few valium to take. i took one just a few minutes ago. was that wrong to do? i have to have something to calm me down. in the past day 2 has always been the worst for me. i hope that is true this time. i hope i will feel a little better tomorrow. and i am looking forward to day 4. havent made it 4 days in a long time.
thanks for posting to me. reading this forum does help me keep a little sane.

[dede2121]

well today is beginning day3. why did i think i would wake up and feel 100% better. i feel very tired and jittery today. i did take a valium yesterday. that probably didn't help my energy but it did help me sleep.
i need to go out and look for a job today. i told my daughter i would. i will try.
i guess i need to give myself a little more time before i start feeling better.
i really want to break this mean addiction. i have just got to remember the people i have hurt and the withdrawls.
i do hope i feel a little better tomorrow.

[FassFeat]

you will begin to feel better each day. The third day was the worst for me, got better each day after that. Good luck and congrats on day 3.

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

You're doing great. Just keep moving forward and you'll get better everyday. Some days are better than others but everyday is better than being high! Please don't fall inti the Valium/Xanax trap. Been there done that and it is a horrible time coming off that. If u have depression issues thar will magnify it when those run out and like all perscribed " mood altering" medications it will become an issue. I'm 25 days clean from Xanax and 13 clean from opiates. The wd from Xanax is doable but not a very easy ride to say the least.  Just wanted to give u done friendly advice from someone who made that huge mistake. U can take Tylenol pm or advil pm or unisom or OTC cough syrup (follow directions exactly as listed ) and u will rest.  No "hangover" or addiction as long as u use them for a short time until natural sleep regulates itself.  Also I hear melatonin is good. I tried valerine root (sp) but that made me feel like my eyes were bulging. Ugh! Good luck and be strong. U just kinda have to suffer through wd for a bit then it eases up on it's own.  Take some vitamins or drink ensure. That helps! Just don't trade one issue for another, if u have an addictive personality, anything that gives u a false since if well being is not to be tested! It will bite u in the rear!!! U can do it!!

[dede2121]

i am sure i will feel better in a few days fass, i just want it to hurry and be over with.

and georgia i only have a few of the valium. i really don't think i will get addicted to them. i have had those only about 8 of them for like a month. i only took one just to help me sleep. but you are right having the addictive personality it can be dangerous.
i am gonna go out and try to get the L-Tyrosine and try it.
anyway i am gonna try to go take a shower or hot bath probably wont be able to stand up long enough for the shower due to lack of energy thanks to those damn pills. i hate them and do not want them in my life anymore

[dede2121]

ok. so i managed to get up and take a hot bath and get dressed. whew. that wore me out. and i am a little shaky. next here in a few i will put on a dab of makeup and go apply for a job. i think i will even stop and get a cup of coffee. i used to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning before i started enjoying a hydro every morning. oh to only get back to
enjoying the simple things.
i still worry alot about the financial mess i have gotten myself into. has anyone else gotten themselves into a financial mess like i have?

[dede2121]

i am back from getting coffee and applying for a job. i also looked for a meeting to go to tonight. not bad considering i am on day 3. i don't feel too bad. so far this withdrawl has not been as bad as the other times. let this be a lesson to me.
after being honest with my family, i am gonna do this this time. i can't go back. i will not go back.

[duluthguy]

Hello there!! I was in the same boat, taking them here and there for a quick boost when the situation called for it, them pills are so funny how they just suck you in!! I had a neck injury, legitimate reason to take them, but when my doc cut me off I already had other "friends" that were quick to give them away... I sure wish I could have quit when I was in your shoes... Good job in recognizing and dealing with the problem early!! God bless and stay strong!!

[dede2121]

thanks duluthguy. i am trying to stay strong.
this situation has been going off and on for about 7 years but, the last year and a half was when it got out of control. when i didn't have an RX for them i would buy them from  "friends" who took advantage of my addiction and charged alot more than they should have. but can't blame them for my addiction problem.
i do feel more positive about this quit because i told my family.  

[dede2121]

as i lay here on my bed searching the internet. my tummy hurts just a little. i need to start eating again. i never would eat much because i didn't want food to mess up the high i may or may not have gotten. i ate about 1/3 of a sandwhich and drank a little milk.

good news is i did find a meeting that i am going to tonite.
i haven't heard much talk here about na meetings. does anyone go?

[dede2121]

the meeting begins at 5:30. so i will be leaving here in about 30 minutes. i hope it goes well. i have been a couple times before but for some reason they never talked about what i thought they should or what i wanted to hear.

[dede2121]

just got back from the meeting. it was an aa meeting but i think pretty much the same concept, addiction. it was very interesting. nice to be around people who can call me an addict and understand. i wil be going everyday. one man was there who has been sober 27 years. wow! can you imagine?
i will be 50 this friday i may not be around in 27 years but if i am i am gonna get my 27 year chip.
hope everyone is doing ok.
by the way i talked to my brother earlier. and i just started crying. he said he misses his sister. we were the best of friends. i always told everyone that my brother was my best friend. but you all know who became my best friend. Mr. Hydro. but mr hydro was not a friend at all. i have found out he is my worst enemy. he almost destroyed me. all i can do is pick up the shattered pieces and try to move on and put them back together. oh what a long time that is going to take. . tomorrow will be day 4. i am feeling somewhat better tonight. at least i had the energy to do the things i did today. went to get coffee, filled out an application and went to a meeting. not bad for being 3 days sober. i hope i feel even better tomorrow. i don't expect miracles i realize this is gonna be baby steps. but every  step will be forward not backward.
and if anyone is reading my babbling today, especially just starting , trust me it does get easier. i know it seems impossible. but i am doing it and you can too. i do recommend going to meetings. i think this place and the aa/na meetings will be my lifelines.
i don't know who started this site but thank you for it.
i am glad to be sober 3 days

[dede2121]

today i am on day 4. not bad. got up and went to a job interview.

i am not feeling well today. not so much physically as mentally. when i first got up, oh and i didn't sleep much, but i was thinking about my interview and my first thought was once i take a pill i will get thru this. now i didn't take one of course but why is it when you get thru i guess the worst part of the withdrawls and start feeling a little better, does that little voice kick in and think that you can take one and it will be okay.
i guess i need to go to a meeting at noon today. maybe that will help.
any answers to that please??
i  don't want to take anything. i want to stay sober.
As i tell my self daily... God grant me the Serenity...

[dede2121]

just got back from another meeting. i will probably go to another tonight.
interesting to hear others talk about there problems. mine are so small compared to others. but to me they are big.
i feel like i am walking around in a fuzz. i mean i feel better physically but i guess the mental  part takes awhile.
i must say though it is nice to be sober.
my body hopefully can only get better. the debt i have incurred well that's a different story.
my brother is sending me money to pay my bills. and NO i will not buy pills with it. i cannot go back to that. i don't know what i would do without him.

God Grant Me the Serenity...

[dede2121]

i still feel funny. i think i am anxious. possibly out of boredom. i have cleaned house and done laundry  today. i have no job so there is not much to do. i think being bored was part of the reason i took pills. i don't know.

i am going to a meeting again in a little while. i hope i don't OD on meetings but better than OD'ing on something else.

the energy level is coming back. i just need more stuff to do. hopefully i will get a job soon. well at least if i do i will be able to pass a drug test. see sobriety has it's good points.

i hope i never go back to the old dede. i know it will take many months maybe even a year to really feel great. so i can only take one day at a time and not worry about that.

God Grant Me the Serenity...

[dede2121]

well, i have made it to day 5. i took a melatonin last night. i slept all night, mostly a restless night but slept.
when i woke up this morning i still feel tired. also i am somewhat dizzy. dont like that feeling. hopefully it will go away.

QUESTION???
Does anyone know if there are any long term affects from abusing our bodies for so long or maybe even permanent affects?