90 days today....but a big question...need opinions

[paying_it_forward]

I haven't posted in aaages....I haven't needed to. Today makes 90 days...three months exactly of no suboxone, for a 2 year painkiller addiction...i haven't touched an opiate based painkiller since late 2009.

I have no cravings for painkillers whatsoever....but I'm having massive knee problems again...I'm talking major pain. I've tried panadol and an anti-inflammatory but nothing seems to ease the pain. I have had 2 previous knee operations...and half way through last year i slipped over in a shopping centre and cracked my knee cap. (still going with legal proceedings...ugh)

(and for the new people to the forum who may not know me....I'm currently studying Certificate 4 in Alcohol and other drugs...after my experience i want to help other people)

I went to the doctors the other week and showed her the abnormal swelling that wasn't there before the fall and she poked and prodded and said it seemed alright. Tomorrow I'm going back but seeing another doctor....

The problem i face is i don't know what to do mean time (if a treatment is going to take time etc)...should i RESPONSIBLY take the painkillers i was once addicted to (which is codine combined with an anti-inflammatory...the best thing for it)? I can't put up with the pain any longer.

When i was addicted to these painkillers my head/mind was in a different state....severely depressed...so many stressful things etc but now that is not really the case. I would be taking these painkillers for legitimate pain....bad pain...

I really don't want to tarnish my perfect record of being painkiller free...but then again I'm only 24 (25 next week :P) is it really expected that i am to never touch a painkiller again? Painkillers have their place in this world...i guess it's really just upto us to take it responsibly. I would reallyyy appreciate people's opinions on this particular question :)

Hope your all doing well!

[dwbson]

Sorry guys about suggesting Tramadol. I was misinformed. So glad others on here knew better and could correct that.

[paying_it_forward]

Oh yeahhh I'm going to be making a list for SURE.

[laurel453]

make a list of everything you want to tell to your doctor... We all forget about all the things and this is the best way to make sure we don't :)

[paying_it_forward]

Yeah i think going to NA meetings would be interesting and beneficial, not only for me but for my studies so once thursday is over and done with then i should really get to finding some NA meetings.

Even in the course I'm doing there are alot of people who are reformed addicts so talking to them is great. And even the people who have had nothing to do with drugs, well i still talk to them about it all, i'm not scared to share...plus they gain knowledge from it.

I'll be sure to let you know how i go thursday! I'm even taking my mum with me so she can tell the specialist what i was like as a kid (she always susspected i had ADHD). Plus i always forget things when i get to the doctors!....actually i forget alot of things in general! especially names!

[perch101]

Hey Grace,

I really hope your appt. on thurs goes well...... fingers crossed for you!

Cravings/urges to use are only a small part of AA/NA, lots of people who go may only get rare cravings or can go years without one.

One thing it can really help with is the 'head issues'....... it's most likely these issues in the past that you used your DOC to help hide (as it is for all of us!) and now you can't/don't want to do this (abuse the N+), the head issues are causing you grief!!

AA/NA is not for everyone..... but it is the largest and most sucsessful world wide program in getting people clean and keeping them that way. But if you don't like it, even talking to a counsellor can really help!

It really is really so liberating and insightful to sit down and talk to other addicts (weather at NA or other groups) - you know how you love the support and commradeship you get here on medhelp? Same kinda thing but in person. But if its not for you, that cool too :-)

GOOD LUCK on thurs!! Please let us know how it goes!!

Perch
x

[paying_it_forward]

It's for the whole year and we get placement too...I'm pretty sure i want to be a drug counselor, though who knows over time things might change.

The study is getting pretty heavy and i just recieved another 2 assignments for a different unit today...work overload. I just thank god that I'll be seeing the specialist in a few days and hopefully get put on some meds so i can focus properly, because at the moment i'm freaking out a little with all the work i have to do :S some of it's not due June...and the bulk of it is due in may so hopefully i'll be settled on meds before then.

Sometimes i worry and think I may have rushed into it all. But i honestly didn't think i would have so many "head issues". There was a point where i was on such a low dose of suboxone but i was in such a positive mind set and ready and raring to go...but now it just seems like that flame is gone. I really don't get excited about anything anymore..so i think i need to go back on antidepressants too...but after the research I've done it could also be ADHD related...so i guess i'll know a bit more in a couple of days after my appointment *crosses fingers...and anything else crossable*

[dominosarah]

How long is the course you are taking?  Your going to be a drug counselor right?

[paying_it_forward]

Hey Gnarly thanks for your offer :) I'll see what kind of assignments i get when further into the course and for sure if i need some examples i shall inbox you :)

Perch...ah i know i should be doing some aftercare...When i think about going to NA meetings i stop and think since i have no cravings or urges to take my drug of choice then do i really need to go?

I dunno...I'm just going to see what eventuates with the ADHD specialist appointment on thursday. No doubt i'll post a journal entry about what the outcome is so keep your eyes peeled :P

[perch101]

p.s - You need to change the last sentence of your "mood" !!

This is not true - Put something positive in there, like you deserve :-)

Perch   x

[perch101]

Hey, you sound better today, that is good :-)

Remember, when it gets tough - aftercare!! Where you said in your post " it's no wonder I'm a little "crazy" ....I've done all of this...everything...the addiction..depression and anxiety and i am yet to see a counselor or therapist...I've done it all on my own. " I realised how true this is....

It is wonderful you have 90 days.... but it dosn't have to be this hard!! It really does help to speak to an AOD counsellor or join a support group.

Also - when you have finished your course and are looking for employment - where you are employed will want to know how long you've been clean and what aftercare you do. Some of my closest friends are AOD counsellors and they've told me about it. The AOD workers at the Basin that were ex-addicts themselves would tell us about the aa/na they attended and how it helped or what they did for aftercare.

Anyway - you sound better today, good on you and good luck!

Perch :-)

[gnarly_1]

HEY I see your studying for your class 4 in drugs ans alcohol....if you want you can use me as your  first term paper ive been addicted to one thing or another since I was 14...im 48 now
spent 10yrs on pills 6 1/2 on methadone when the pills quit working...im also living proff you can get off all of it if you put your mind to it and use proper aftercare so if you need a trm paper message me and I hope you help many that struggle with addiction I know I would be lost without my conslor good luck on your career ......Gnarly

[paying_it_forward]

Thanks Gnarly, the 90 days has been easy...well in the sense that i haven't had the craving or felt the need to go back to painkillers.

Yeah I do use ice on my knee...and a heat bag too. Unfortunately i have had trouble with my knee my whole life (2 operations...one at 17 and the other at 19...and i'm 25 next week) so it's going to be a thing for life...

I was watching an interesting 2 part documentary a couple of weeks ago called "Raw Opium" it was about the history of  the Opium poppy etc...and they had a lady on there saying that some people have receptors in the brain that react to opiates and some people don't. There was one rather shocking bit of footage set in an injecting clinic called "insite" (it's in Canada) and a lady was shooting up heroin into her NECK....then proceeded to say "i hope my mothers watching this"...my mouth dropped to the floor....i just couldn't believe it...it was so confronting, but that is the harsh reality. One day...somewhere along my travels i want to go see this safe injecting centre in Canada, i think it would be really interesting yet heartbreaking at the same time.

Even though i'm an ex-abuser of drugs, I want to get into researching and learning about drugs and users world wide. Unfortunately the course I'm doing at the moment isn't really teaching me what i thought i would learn i will still continue with it...because in the end i'm sure it will all come in handy.

Who knows i might travel the world one day and come visit you all :P

[gnarly_1]

by the way congrats on your 90 days

[gnarly_1]

HI......I think you have made a wise desion not to go the pain pill rout ....I was on them for 10 yrs you have no idea how many times I stoped and tryed to control my use only to have it get worst then it was as addicts that part of our brain takes over the minute the endorphins flow
I dident see anybody mention iceing it down ice is a good way to bring down swelling get a frozen bag of peas or corn and rap that around your knee leve it on for 20min and see if that dosent help .....I know what its like to suffer chronic pain I have a really messed up back hence the 10 yrs on pain pills and 6 1/2 yrs on methadone ....today im forchanet enough to be able to moderate it it with ibuprofine I really feel for the addict that has chronic pain but sometimes physical pain beats the numbing effects of the pain pills good luck and God bless...Gnarly    

[paying_it_forward]

Thanks again for replying :)

After that doctors visit yesterday I was in a veryyy unstable mood. Even today i have been.

I think with the weight thing it's been part of my whole life...with my dad constantly verbally abusing me and making it such a big issue my whole life. It was drilled into me that overweight people were disgusting (i cant even mention the words my dad described). When i was on suboxone and antidepressants he told me to stop taking them (he doesn't believe in medication). It has become clear to me now that i am more than angry with my dad. Everything he's put my family through. Beating my mum while pregnant with me....doing drugs while i was conceived....how irresponsible. Yet i still feel guilty for not visiting him or calling him for a while. ahh words cannot describe.

As far as taking painkillers goes...I'm not going to go there. You guys can obviously spot signs in me that i can't....so no painkillers for me.

After the doctors trip i also jumped on facebook and spoke to a friend who i knew could "hook me up" with some illegal stuff...even though i knew i would never actually go through with getting something.

I just keep telling myself i'm seeing the ADHD specialist on thursday and things will get sorted. But if he sends me away with nothing then i don't know what to do (and neither does my mother...poor thing is at her wit's ends with me)

Other people might try to comfort me but i feel you guys are the only ones that really understand. Plus i guess it's no wonder I'm a little "crazy" ....I've done all of this...everything...the addiction..depression and anxiety and i am yet to see a counselor or therapist...I've done it all on my own.

ahhh thursday can't come quick enough...

[laurel453]

I learnt the phrase here, perch and it is indeed so true ...
Grace, have you read what perch has told you ? i wanted to say something similar...

YOU are NOT a failure, don't hate yourself. You have to deal with stuff but this is life, nothing is solved easily nor fast enough, right ? :) I know that with drugs we numbed life's frustration but this is not a healthy way of do it, it is the worst way. We have to learn how to deal with this frustration...people are not always nice, doctors, there is always some bad stuff running on our lives and we can only accept it and live with it....You have to stop blaming yourself, i know you are very dissapointed about the weight gain, it seems exercising is not possible with your pain but try not to binge, eat as healthy as you can, try some relaxing exercise ( Yoga..stretching...) , meditate in the evenings, you need to calm yourself and don't build up your anger...you will solve those problems with time and patience...focus on your studies ( don't put attention about what the others say about drug abuse or whatever)...and follow a healthy lifestyle, each day at a time....take care of yourself in a healthy way and little by little and step by step you will find that things will go better...Be proud of what you have accomplished and what you are doing, ok? :)

[perch101]

I'm sorry you're doing it tough at the moment. Unresolved pain is frustrating at best, extremely distressing at worst. The cortisone injections are a good idea. Of course, it would be better to fix the problem than treat the symptoms (which i'm sure you know!) Can you get a refferal to see a specialist?

It makes me sad to see you say these bad things about yourself (like your 3rd last paragraph) REMEMBER AND THINK ABOUT all that you have achieved. You quit abusing pain killers. You got of suboxone sucssfully and determidly. You pursed your dream of the AOD course and made it happen. You have not relapsed. YOU ARE a sucsess!

You are right that, at 24, at SOME stage in your life you will probably need opiate based pain killers. (post surgery, have a bad bone break or whatever). As Sara says, getting somoene to hold on to your pills and handing them out appropriately is the best solution. My Mum, and boyfriend have done this for me.

From reading your posts and journals, it really seems that your addiction is talking (or screaming!) to you at the moment. About half way through last year I developed generalised anxiety - perplexing for me as I've never been an anxious person. I was talking to my AOD counsellor about it (I see him for aftercare every fortnight) and he asked 'how long have you been clean again?' I said Dec 1st 2009. I told him I've never had anxiety before - he told me that my addiction was talking to me trying to get me to use. I said- no way - thats not it! I don't want to use and not even close! I remember him explaing they don't call it a baffling cunning disease for nothing - you can get angry, depressed, feel bad about yourself/low self esteem - it knows if you feel like this for long enough/bad enough you are more likely to use a substance to numb it. I remembered at rehab this being told to us as well. I think they used the phrase sabotaging yourself? I know you feel really bad so you think of how you'd feel better - you've mentioned ecstasy here and before - I know you're not going to do it but it's in your head! Take something to feel better! As Sara said..... your brain is playing games with you.

Laurel453's comment "a relape starts before it happens" really stood out to me - God its so true!

I really hope things look up for you soon :-)

Perch.

[paying_it_forward]

Soo i went to the doctors....of course they gave me no painkillers. She weighed me...obviously i knew I'd packed on the weight but i didn't know i weight THAT much. and i already knew that i needed to loose weight for my knee to atleast improve. But as soon as i told my doctor about the injury to my knee had lawyers involved she backed off and completely lost interest and didn't really want to get involved.

now i just feel like a fat disgusting repugnant peice of sh*t.

and right now i would just love to go out and get some ecstasy and get blitzed out of my brains on happiness even though its not real. But i'm too responsible...and i wont.

i was so disgusted with myself i punched the dashboard of my mothers car. my hand hurts...but i deserve it.

[paying_it_forward]

First of all thankyou to everyone for your replies :)

I know there is always going to be a chance of relapse. But my main question is being so young is it really realistically to never ever take a painkiller for the rest of my life...not for addictive reasons...but for example if i was to get into an accident or something. Of course I'm going to avoid painkillers at all costs...and i have...even through all the migraines over the past year. But my knee is a different story.

It's such a frustrating and anxiety inducing situation to be in....and i have tried everything...osteo-panadol, anti-inflammatory tablets, anti-inflammatory gels...i even have what is called a "tens machine" where i put these sticky patches on the problem area and is hooked up to a little machine that sends electro type patterns to stop the pain messages, but only works when i have it on. I elevate my leg at night. But when i'm sitting in class the amount of pain in my knee and hip joint is shocking. I don't want to take painkillers...i have no urge or craving for them...and like i said i don't want to tarnish an otherwise perfect record of sober time.

I'm seeing a doctor today (not the one that dosed me on suboxone though...i live 2 hours from him). I know they more than likely won't give me painkillers because of my history, and can understand that from their point of view.

I think a cortisone injection sounds like my best option. Perhaps they might do another MRI to see if the crack has healed or perhaps gotten worse? But they sure as heck better do something, because something is not right.

As for my other "head" issues i have an appointment with an ADHD specialist next week so those problems will be getting seen to and sorted out.

But anyways i'll post again after I've been to the doctors and let ya'll know how i go...

[Sophie2337]

Thanks for the info on Tramadol.  My doctor gave me a script for 90pills with 4 refills.  He said they are better to take then Lortab.  I've been taking about 2 a day for six months.  If I go back on Lortab I don't take them.  Been off Lortab for 2 days and will give up Tramadol now.

[laurel453]

I have just read the latest journal entries you have writen and i am a little bit worried about your words.... i agree with sara, i think your brain is playing dangerous mind games ..remember that a relapse starts before it happens. On one of the journals, you talked about understanding the way we run away from reality with drugs and you wanting to escape reality. You should try the non narcotic meds and avoid at all costs the opiates, Grace. There are meds that will work for you now, i am sure...Be safe , `please :)

[dominosarah]

IF you end up with more pain meds i hope you will have a plan in place of having someone hold the pills for you.  We have no control over them let alone being responsible.  It takes only a short time for our brain to trigger the on button again.  I hope you will look at other non narcotic meds for this right now.  Your brain is already playing games with you......Let us know how you are doing.         sara

[laurel453]

Have you tried naproxen sodic , Grace ? It worked when i had a knee contracture...

[firefish]

I want to echo Brother Frankie's response to the Tranadol suggestion.  It is indeed an opiate, albeit a synthetic one.  And, speaking from experience, I would rather withdraw from Hydros than Trams any day.  I did both, and the tramadol was just flat painful.  Doctors have been sold a bill of goods on tramadol in that "it doesn't produce the euphoric effect that hydrocodone does."  It is, however, VERY addicting, especially to folks who have been on other narcotics.  It does produce a feeling of well-being and Lord Almighty it does relieve the pain.  
Mu suggestion to Pay Fwd is to seek someone who can fix the injury to your knee.  If it means surgery, so be it.  You will be on pain killers but usually that would be Dilaudid, in a very limited supply.  Dilaudid, from most accounts including my own, is a VERY potent pain killer but has little, if any, "drug effect."  It just kills pain.  Oh, it can be addicting, but the tendancy is to not take it for "the buzz" or t"the happy feeling" and I found I quickly went from 60 mG a day to 4 in two weeks.  After two days of 4 mG I stopped completely with only a little bit of insomnia to contend with.