Anxiety/Panic/Depression/Relationship problems

Hi everyone, Ive been a member of Medhelp for about 6 or 7 years now and don't come by as often as I wish I could and maybe I should. I joined when I was going through a lot of panic and anxiety in my life and overcame it all including the relationship problems I was having at the time, but now 6 years on, I seem to be going through the same all over again, only this time it is multiplied!! I have gone to a stage of totally isolating myself from my entire outer family, whom were no use to me anyway and when in contact only got abuse... my relationship that I/we resolved 4 years ago, now I feel nothing hardly for him and am no longer attracted to him and am feeling like a stranger when he is around, but stay for the kids as I have always done... which I know is the wrong thing to do, but I am genuinely feeling no feelings for him these days, and dont know if it is becuase of all of this anxiety and panic and bit of depression thrown in on top, which I am rather good with, as I tend to snap out of it quite quickly... I am getting the usual symptoms I used to get as in shortness of breath like a palpitation kind of flutter in the chest area, dizzy, cannot concentrate, exhausted, very down in the dumps indeed.. and of course I have had all checked out and it is not my heart which I was expecting it to be but it is not... Im 40 year old woman and feel like a 90 year old.. Im very slim and only about 7 stone 8 lbs.. so Im not overweight or anything. Im a terrible sleeper and have no sleep routine going as I stay up until all hours on the computer.. started to gamle online again on the computer and I cannot afford it and am in more debt because of this addicted compulsive behaviour of mine.. cannot see much prospects for myself at the moment and the only guys who keep me going are my beautiful kids, daughter age 11 and son going on age 14, I love them so much, they are my life.. I hide this all well around them, but I feel that from time to time they must realise that I am not happy, and that I am certainly not happy with their Dad... Its odd becuase I can feel this way about him and then give in and stay with him and feel happy again, but only for a short period. I no longer have sex with him and I think that we have had sex about 3 times in the last 2 years or so and all of those times I had alcohol on me and was drunk. I usually have a beer and a few cigerettes at the weekend but am cutting out all of that becuase I cannot handle the hangovers at all, as it goes on for days on end.. So basically I am not a happy camper at all now.. here. I have all of a sudden just "Stopped" talking to my partner yesterday and feel so uncomfortable around him, he knows I do not want to talk to him, I text him to say I feel like we have hit a brick wall, and I just do not know what to be talking to him about anymore!! Im bored with him and dont fancy him at all.. feel like such a ***** to say that, but its the truth.. he makes me feel so old, because he is only 41 and is always going on about us getting older and that we are not young anymore!! I dont even look my age for Gods sake!! but feel ancient with him.. As I type this, he lies upstairs in bed as usual and its 11.44AM he is such a lazy ****. He is working nights tonight and as per usual he will probably take the night off.. So sorry for the length of the rant, but I think vent is over now.. Would of course appreciate some adive from you guys, PS Ive seen a few counsillors and a psychologist over the years and am due to see another psychologist soon, I know I have to put the work in, but I just dont know if I am benefiiting at all.. Oh and my mam and dad beat me up as a child and got nothing but verbal and mental abuse from them... all of us 7 kids are screwed up because of this, and its stayed with me ever since. Thankfully I have given my kids the reverse in life... my mother never once told me she loved me... stupid cow!! also I had two facial moles removed very recently and was told that the second was was cancerous but that the good news is that it is gone phew!! thanks in advance for any advice or help given, Sharon X

[MYoungAtHeart]

I am fairly new here since September 2012, and when I read a post like yours, I remember how easily personal work and growth can recede really fast if we don't keep an eye on our recovery...I am not a doctor nor a counselor and don't do any meds for recovery.  I think one of the biggest problems with people who suffer from anxiety is that we think that if we get rid of the pressing problems we might be facing such as, the ex, the drinking, smoking, spending, the constant thoughts of the past, that we will then be back to normal, whatever that normal is....

I have found that only constant vigilance and your tool kit which might include tools such as meditations, uplifting literature, relaxation music,
and journaling, can a person afflicted with anxiety start to find a way out
of the hole they have dug themselves into.  With meditation we find out what thoughts are the most intrusive and then while keeping maps of your progress via journaling can we see if we are on a uphill climb or steady land.  

If we cannot escape our thoughts or move forward perhaps it is time for a call to a counselor that you once had positive relationship with or with someone trained exclusively in anxiety.  

I do wish you all the very best

M