Very very personal....

[cnote]

I am very very embarrassed by this and ashamed, but I think this is a good thing to get off my chest.

I've been struggling with anxiety now sense last October. Came out of nowhere...

I keep trying to blame things for it while I'm taking anti-depressants... and telling myself after I feel better it won't come back... and continue my daily routines.

I've been doing some research, spiritually...

For as long as I can remember, as a man, I've always loved sex! What man doesn't love sex?

I've been married for 3 years now, and my wife and I started out having a very great sex life.
Very intimate... very active...

After we got married, the sex life was still great.. but then we had a child, and the sex kind of went down hill.

Well, for as long as I can remember, even before my wife and I got married, I looked at pornography a lot on the internet. (Just basic, nothing illegal. lol.)

I've also continued this throughout our marriage. I'm not saying I'm an ADDICT by all means.
And it's a big secret. I've never told my wife this.

But sense our love life is completely gone, I mean, we do not have sex at all!!!
I understand b/c my wife is tired a lot, and we have 1 year old child together, but shouldn't she still want to have sex? She doesn't!

Our marriage, now that I think about it, is not the best! We love each other! So much! But we don't show it in a healthy way. Even when we are nice to each other, we call each other mean things... and say demeaning things, jokingly,... but now that I think about it... this is not good... this is destructive I think.

Well, I've been noticing that I probably look at pornography 4 hours per week on average. THAT'S ALOT! And it's only when my wife and kid are gone of course. And it's b/c it's a quick fix... b/c my wife and I do not have sex.

I know sex is important in a marriage. It's a beautiful thing... but looking at pornography is just as bad as a drug I'm discovering!

My wife is out of town, and I called her tonight... and told her that I want our family to be on the RIGHT PATH. I told her how much I love her... and how much I lust for her.. and how I feel SO BAD that I lust for her... and I dont want to lust for her! I want to love her! I don't want us to call each other bad demeaning things... I told her that I want to be the Spiritual leader in the family. It's my duty. God is missing. God needs to be in our home, and in our hearts!

I was reading some scripture... and Satan LIES! Pornography... and lust.. are quick fixes... and can cause psychological damage!

Maybe this is a piece to my anxiety puzzle?

I'm going to ask God tonight to forgive me for all of my sins... and I just want to welcome him into my heart.
I want to follow in his footprints.

I know if we all follow God, he will give us peace. He wants us to have this PEACE! And no worries! And NO ANXIETIES!

I am a Christian, but I have fallen off the dark path to destruction I feel. Satan wants me to have anxiety.

And my anxiety always sits in my stomach... a worryful stomach.... maybe this feeling is guilt? fear?

Thank you all for listening...

Getting this off my chest... feels GREAT!

I've got a new life coming! =)

[cnote]

thank you for your nice response. =)

[2wonderfulboys]

I think giving up the porn is the best thing that you could do, and yes it is Satan working on you.  I applaud you for all you said, it sounds like you really love your wife. I think you just need to sit down and have a good long talk, maybe she is depressed, having a baby can do terrible things to hormones.  I had depression issues after my first child, I felt ungly, fat, I started resenting my husband, feeling like I did everything, feeling like I was a bad mom,  you name it, it was awful, and sex was the last thing on my mind.  We have worked through it all and we are going strong.. It does sound like satan has been working on you, he wants you to feel bad, to feel guilty, to turn to things that you know are wrong in your heart, just go to your wife and tell her how you feel and ask her about her feelings as well. Many prayers to you.

[nursegirl6572]

NO thanks needed.  :0)  Glad I could help in some way really.


If YOU are a pervert...then so is just about every other person out there.

Well, 'cept me....I'm pure as the driven snow.  :0)  Ivory soap-like.


Yep...uh-huh, you betcha.

[cnote]

Thanks Nursegirl6572! Thanks for ALWAYS listening! You are always willing to talk to me with is AWESOME!

And thanks for not making me feel like a pervert. lol. =P

[nursegirl6572]

Sounds like that all makes sense.  Good for you...and I hope that refraining from that will help your anxiety some.  Also, since you recognize that your wife would be upset, it is thoughtful of you to think about that.

i just hope you have an active imagination.  (wink wink)

:0)

Keep on keeping on....

[cnote]

Wow! Thanks everyone for writing!

Let me start out by saying that I think NurseGirl6572 is correct, I am soul searching for a reason for my anxiety. And that happened to be something I thought about... looking at the occasional porn.

I think the main key here is, is that I need to talk to my wife about our sex life... and work on our relationship in that matter. Not make sex #1, but let sex have its place in our relationship. It is HEALTHY. And the only reason why I have looked at porn is b/c I DO HAVE NEEDS! I'm a man! I'm a visual creature! Who get's turned on by visual things. Why does my wife not like to have sex? I dunno. She says it's b/c she's tired... and she can't get turned on... this *****.

Would I cheat on my wife? NO WAY! Would I rather be with that porn star? NO WAY!
I love her SO much!

Is it an outlet for that "urge" I have? YES!

But, I still think that pornography can damage. And I'm going to stop looking at it.
I think I will find more beauty in my wife... and in general.

And If my wife knew I looked at this, she would be VERY upset. I just know it.
I can't blame her. And I don't want my 1 year old daughter being brought up in a home with pornography...

I know I'm a man... but I just can't look at it anymore. It does make me anxious when I do look at it.

Do I think it's the ROOT of my ANXIETY? NO!
But, it could be a piece of my anxiety puzzle.

Thank you all for responding! =)