Very very personal....

[cnote]

I am very very embarrassed by this and ashamed, but I think this is a good thing to get off my chest.

I've been struggling with anxiety now sense last October. Came out of nowhere...

I keep trying to blame things for it while I'm taking anti-depressants... and telling myself after I feel better it won't come back... and continue my daily routines.

I've been doing some research, spiritually...

For as long as I can remember, as a man, I've always loved sex! What man doesn't love sex?

I've been married for 3 years now, and my wife and I started out having a very great sex life.
Very intimate... very active...

After we got married, the sex life was still great.. but then we had a child, and the sex kind of went down hill.

Well, for as long as I can remember, even before my wife and I got married, I looked at pornography a lot on the internet. (Just basic, nothing illegal. lol.)

I've also continued this throughout our marriage. I'm not saying I'm an ADDICT by all means.
And it's a big secret. I've never told my wife this.

But sense our love life is completely gone, I mean, we do not have sex at all!!!
I understand b/c my wife is tired a lot, and we have 1 year old child together, but shouldn't she still want to have sex? She doesn't!

Our marriage, now that I think about it, is not the best! We love each other! So much! But we don't show it in a healthy way. Even when we are nice to each other, we call each other mean things... and say demeaning things, jokingly,... but now that I think about it... this is not good... this is destructive I think.

Well, I've been noticing that I probably look at pornography 4 hours per week on average. THAT'S ALOT! And it's only when my wife and kid are gone of course. And it's b/c it's a quick fix... b/c my wife and I do not have sex.

I know sex is important in a marriage. It's a beautiful thing... but looking at pornography is just as bad as a drug I'm discovering!

My wife is out of town, and I called her tonight... and told her that I want our family to be on the RIGHT PATH. I told her how much I love her... and how much I lust for her.. and how I feel SO BAD that I lust for her... and I dont want to lust for her! I want to love her! I don't want us to call each other bad demeaning things... I told her that I want to be the Spiritual leader in the family. It's my duty. God is missing. God needs to be in our home, and in our hearts!

I was reading some scripture... and Satan LIES! Pornography... and lust.. are quick fixes... and can cause psychological damage!

Maybe this is a piece to my anxiety puzzle?

I'm going to ask God tonight to forgive me for all of my sins... and I just want to welcome him into my heart.
I want to follow in his footprints.

I know if we all follow God, he will give us peace. He wants us to have this PEACE! And no worries! And NO ANXIETIES!

I am a Christian, but I have fallen off the dark path to destruction I feel. Satan wants me to have anxiety.

And my anxiety always sits in my stomach... a worryful stomach.... maybe this feeling is guilt? fear?

Thank you all for listening...

Getting this off my chest... feels GREAT!

I've got a new life coming! =)

[cnote]

hahaha. I'm not a sex addict BY FAR! LOL.
And I have not searched porn or anything in 5 days.

When I read my 1st post, I noticed I put "I probably view it 4 hours a week"...
I started laughing...  it's probably more like "1 hour" per week.
30min one day 30min a nother day out of the entire week.
And it's not even every week!
It's just been latley since my wife has been out of town.

The point is, I HAVE BAD ANXIETY!
And I am soul searching... trying to get to the root of it.
Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I thought looking at porn here and there could be a piece of the anxiety puzzle.
I am in fact NOT and ADDICT! LOL.
I CAN GO WITHOUT IT!
I HAVE GONE WITHOUT IT! LOL.

It does not interfear with my job, marriage, or life in general.

So please quit saying I'm a SEX ADDICT, b/c you have to remember I have anxiety, and people like me start thinking "Am I A Sex Addict?".

I find it quite comical to be quite honest. lol. B/c I as a person with anxiety, know I am not an addict.

Anyways, people should be looking at the fact that I'm turning back on the right path with God. I'm a Christian, struggling just like everyone out there. I'm getting my life right with God, and getting my life right with my wife.

What's so wrong with that? Even if the occasional porn viewing wasnt the cause of any of my anxiety... isnt it still a good thing that I'm giving this "guilty pleasure" up? And getting on a right path in my life?

I'm a pretty young dude. I think I can say for myself... I'm gonna be alright. =)

NurseGirl here knows me probably more than a lot of you, and she's probably laughing at my 1st post, b/c she know's I'm just a BAD anxiety sufferer and I'm trying to pinpoint anything in my life that could be the trigger... when in fact there may be NO trigger to my anxiety.. it strictly may be a chemical imbalance in my brain.

NurseGirl Rocks. =)

[nursegirl6572]

LOL......Nursegirl Rocks...you're funny.

And, yes, I DO think it is wonderful that you are finding faith and evaluating your life!  Certainly if this activity was causing you guilt.....right or wrong...you recognized that it was time to ditch it.

And yes...us anxious people are SOOOO impressionable (which is why labels worry me).

"You say I am a sex addict huh?  Must be true!!!  OMG!!!!"

"You say I'm a purple elephant???  Must be true!!!!  OMG!!!!"

Our minds are NOT nice to us.....period.  ;0)

[cnote]

To add to all this. I just wanted everyone to know, that you do not know my REAL LIFE.
I do in fact have a GREAT MARRIAGE. My wife and I are only 25 years old, and we are still learning a lot. Her and I love eachother with all of our hearts. She tells me that all the time. We do enjoy eachothers company, there is no other person I'd rather spend time with than her.

Our main issue, and the Dr. knows about this, is that we do not have a sex life.
And maybe it is post partum? But my Dr. doesnt seem to think so. He said she is just playing the "mommy" role right now, and may not be comfortable having sex yet? A lot of 1st time moms get like this.

My wife wants to please me in that way, it's just hard for her. And she does feel bad.

We have seen a counselor together, and he thinks we are doing great. He's more concerned with my anxiety than anything though.

My psychologist says "I do a pretty damn good job of freaking myself out, and am searching too deep for my anxiety triggers.... etc."

I have ANXIETY. And when I'm having a bad spell like I was a couple of nights ago when I posted this thread, I was thinking of EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that could be the TRIGGER.

And what made me think of that, was that my buddy at work was telling me he used to look at porn a lot and he said it can be bad on the mind and a lot of people can become addicted...

Of course I was having a panic episode this day, and I thought "omg! what if that is the root cause?!"

Now I'm feeling better. And I'm looking back and seeing how irrational that was.

Yes, porn may not be bad to some of you, porn may not be good to some of you...

For me, it's a personal option. I'm not going to view porn again! And I'm going to get back on my spiritual walk with God.

That's it. =)

[nursegirl6572]

25 years old...with a new baby...no wonder you have anxiety!  He!!, I am 36, married for 10 yrs with two kids, 10 and 2....and we STILL haven't totally settled into our marriage.  We have a long way to go before we really get thins working the way they should be for us.

Marriage is a life long learning experience...and it certainly is not easy!

[lonewolf07]

You said, "I do a pretty damn good job of freaking myself out".  Do you mind if I borrow that line?  I suffer from depression and anxiety and what you wrote should be written on the front of a T shirt.

Your dr sounds like a wise man.

Enjoy your spiritual walk  = )

Till the Man Comes Around ....

[cnote]

haha.