What should we do?

[mama_02]

This is in regards to my Mother-in-Law.  First of all, I think she may have a drinking problem.  Her husband claims that she is a beligerent alcoholic.  She drinks one to two drinks a day, vermouth and Jack Daniels.   She precisely measures the amount at 12 and 5pm everyday.   There is slurring, yelling, and extreme anger w/her..  However, she also suffers from depression and other symptoms that seem to be manic.  So, my question, how can we help her.....do we start w/the mental or the alcohol.  

She had plans to come here tonight (from out of state) to spend the holiday.   Only to end up canceling her trip, she has been driving us nuts for the last four days.  This isn't the first time, but definitely the worst that I have yet experienced.  She probably called my house 30 times yesterday.  Not to mention, the number of times she called my Husband (her Son) at his work.  I got mad and told her to stop calling.  She didn't.  She calls about all kinds of things that she deems important.  Things that we had already talked about over and over.  

Over the last year or so, she claims that she is sick w/nausea and vomitting.  However, she has gained over 100 lbs.  She's had various tests done and her Doctor can't find anything wrong w/her, physically.

She called me five times today even though she knows I won't answer the phone.  She is doing the same thing to other friends/relatives (i've been talking to her husband via email).   Anyway, my husband is thinking of going there to see what's wrong, but doesn't know if he should take her to a hospital, rehab or what.

I could go on and on about everything that has happened w/a jaw dropping reaction from most people.  Please take my word for it that she is depressed, seems to be manic and cannot stop drinking.  she has threatened suicide in the past, but her family didn't take her seriously.   If you can give us any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

[mama_02]

Thanks everyone.......your input will help my Husband to realize the severity of this and get there, himself, to check things out.    

[monkeyc]

Yes it could be altzheimers or it could be early onset dementia even - My mother was untreated BP all her life and was in early onset when she died at 58 and that behaviour is familiar to me.

As to diagnosis with depression.  Its just about impossible NOT to be diagnosed with depression in the current medical world if you are a woman over the age of 30 - depression is now the most common diagnosis in women and believe me its not because they are all depressed - its easy for a doctor to bung a 20 question quiz at someone and prescribe prozac - no work require - and prozac will make you gain weight and sap energy as well (as do most AD drugs).

I truly think your Husband needs to get his mother a full medical workup - sure she may just be depressed but if there is something wrong and its treatable then, well, she's his mother after all.

Hang in there OK

[horselover65]

A lot of this sounds like Alzheimer's. The "first" conversation part, especially, is what I deal with when I'm helping my grandmother. The drinking may make the symptoms worse and if she is on any other medication at all, that may be causing problems, too. Older people are often inadvertently over-medicated. The dose for a 30 year old is sometimes too much for a 60 year old because our bodies change as we age.

I'd say at the very least she needs to see a geriatric specialist and that person would likely refer her to any other specialist she needs to see. As for the weight gain, 100 pounds is a lot. I've gained some weight when I was depressed, so I know it's not hard to do sometimes. Still, 100 pounds in the space of a year is incredible. Did anyone check her thyroid?

Has she had any other illnesses? Accidents? Head injuries? I wouldn't rule out a stroke. My stepdad's mom had a series of the mini-strokes - can't remember what they're called. It changed her whole personality and she is mean as a snake sometimes, along with having huge memory gaps.

I hope ya'll can help her help herself.  It's good that she has family who will help her, even if some of her behavior is driving all of you batty.  

[mama_02]

She's 66 yrs old.  She is still calling us endessly.  She keeps asking the same questions like what did she get the kids for Christmas.  Every phone call w/her is like "the first" conversation about all of it.  My husband is wondering if she had a stroke.  She has been diagnosed w/depression.  Over the years, she would tell everyone how miserable she is and blame everyone else for her problems.  She used to be a very energetic woman, but her husband says she just hangs out on the couch 24/7.   He also mentioned that due to her weight gain she hasn't bought any new clothes to wear, so she has one robe that she continually wears.    

[monkeyc]

Well she needs to see a doctor but unless she will willingly you cannot do much.  

In terms of alcohol 2 drinks a day precisely measured is not neccesarily a drinking problem - I suspect there may be other causes than alcohol here, her behaviour may be manic but its also a bit hard to read that in - If her husband claims she is a belligerent alcoholic then maybe but 2 drinks... hmm.  I mean alcoholics do not measure out 2 drinks at precise times - they drink all day, the measuring stinks of medication which means she is medicating herself with alcohol for something that she has or thinks she has.

You do not say how old she is?  Has she always been like this?  when did it change?

Has she seen a neurologist?  this might be something else, slurred speech and anger can be symptoms which her drinking is hiding - she may be drinking for many self medication reasons and some of her behaviour sounds like a memory problem as much as a mental illness.

As for physical.  Well most doctors have no idea beyond the usual tests, they cost money and they avoid anything more complex - I bet no one has done a neuro work up on her for one thing and beyond the 20 questions has done no psych either.

And you would have to ask what tests - I went through 5 doctors until an acute infection put me in hospital and they diagnosed my Diverticulitis - I had had ultrasounds, allergy tests, blood tests, stool tests etc but not a contrast CT which was what found it and saved my life.  Doctors are not perfect and if they can point to something and say thats it.. In particular with crazy old ladies who they write off as hypochonriacs and if she drinks thats another easy out.

I think you need to get your mother in law to a decent doctor, yes she has manic like symptoms but she has other things that do not fit with depression and mania - for one thing she is gaining weight which is unusual for an unmedicated BP and her other behaviour makes no sense for alcoholism as the majority of those lose weight - I think from what you have said there is actually something wrong with her and people are writing her off because she drinks and because no one knows much about alcoholism they think thats the cause.

Just my thoughts.

[LeftCoastChick]

Alcohol usage in many cases is to self medicate, but I think, and this is my opinion only is that it actually makes the underlying issues worse.

There isn't much you can do but draw lines of what is acceptable and what isn't. Since she is an adult, unless she is harming herself or someone else, legally not much can be done.  I know of someone who had to get a restraining order, but that was because the "ex" threatened to kill herself and her partner. When she broke the order, she was hospitalized against her will. She can only get help if she wants it.  Enabling her in any way is allowing her to continue with her behaviours. If she threatens to kill herself, call the police. They the authorities and hospital can deal with her, mostly temporarily.

I wish there was something that can be done other that. My own ex was stalking me for 6 months, using the police. So I don't have a lot of faith in them. He said I was doing the stalking, and I had to prove my whereabouts and I had to print out all the email threats and voice mails. . So getting the police involved can be tricky.

I wish you much luck and I hope you have some peace during this holiday.