Diagnosed with Bipolar

[Painkillernightmare]

Hi everyone,
I have been on here before, dealing with a perc addiction.  I was just recently diagnosed as being Bipolar, and am having a hard time adjusting to the news.  Kinda already thought I was, but the reality has sunk in.  I feel as though my moods are all over the place from one extreme to the next.  One day I feel pretty good, not great but good.  The next day I wake up crying feeling like it's the end of the world, this can also happen through out the day, as if it were a flip of a switch with my moods.  I haven't been put on any medications that are different I am just having a hard time coping and am wondering if anyone out there can help me understand some things.  I have done lots of reading and research and though some of the information they provide does apply to me, some doesn't.  Are all Bipolar symptoms the same?  I guess I am just really lost and am trying to find my way..any bit of help will be greatly appreciated.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

No not everyone experiences bipolar disorder or any illness for that matter the same as everyone else.  There is no cookie cutter clean cut case for everybody.  Information provided on illnesses usually list all the possible things that can happen with it although information on the internet about a specific illness is kind of unreliable because they don't tell you the symptoms through the course of it or leave out important minor details.  I had the same problem as you with accepting it when I was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia, even though I suspected I've had it for the longest time, being told by someone who knows that they are doing that I have it sort of bothered me for a while but now I've come to terms with it and you probably can come to terms with being diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well with time.

[x89rt]

when my psychologist diagnosed me with bipolar, i was actually happy. its easier to fight an enemy when you know what it is. for example, at first i just got an antidepressant which helped but when i was diagnosed with bipolar, i got a mood stabilizer that helped even more.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Did you end up going manic on just the antidepressant?

[Painkillernightmare]

I dont even know what to call manic when my moods change...its like a blur after..I get crazy impulses that takes me everything I have to fight. I do and say things that I dont even know why I do.  For example...I had an intense conversation with my employeer about my condition..(after being off on stress leave for 2 months) and she was not sympathetic infact she showed very little compassion for my situation.  She was rude and offensive which through me into a tail spin. I started hyperventalating got tinsil eye, was crying uncontrollably my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my chest and hear it in my ears and my mind was going 100 miles per hr.  I had to leave work, didnt even think twice about staying.  All I could think about was going home turning the phone off and hide in my house where I felt safe.  Now looking back at it a few days later it seems like a haze.  Its like waking up after a serious night of drinking and trying to recollect what happened and where it all went wrong.  That person who flipped out...isnt me..at all!  I dont even know who I am anymore to be honest.  I started seeing a theripist last wk as well which stressed me out.  I have been home now for three days away from work..I feel better certainly NOT normal but everytime I even think about work I feel a "spell" coming on and I start to feel not myself..almost unpredictable.  The meds I am on are Cymbalta 60mg 1 tab daily, co-Quetiapine 25mg 2 tabs daily, and Lorazepam 1mg when needed.

[Xila31]

If you are bipolar 2, then it can be harder to catch the manic stages as they are not as high. You might only have some of the lighter symptoms like pressured speech, racing thoughts, grandiose thinking, feeling "speeded up," and not some of the real key tell tale ones that some doctors look for, (like spending sprees and promiscuity.)

I never really thought I had "manic" stages, but when I look back at my life I can pin point them over time now. There are just some things that really stand out to me now when I look back as being way over the top, and then also depressions. Plus with the suicidal ideation I've always struggled with, it is a very strange picture to look at when I look at my past.

The thing is that us bipolar people all go through it differently. Some people get hit with a really hard mania and end up in the hospital. Others don't. Most were on antidepressants that caused it, but some of us weren't. It just depends.

[Painkillernightmare]

Oh yes those impulses of spending are TERRIBLE and I could and hav e blown through money like you wouldnt believe.  I see some paterns and characteristics..its not too often I have the highs were I feel like nothing could stop me...but the moods are what get me..i can go from feeling ok to wanting to end it all...I have gone from being sucessful and striving for only the best to now..not really giving a damn and burnt out.  I dont have the drive anymore and I recently had a nervous breakdown from a large varitey of stresses in my life.  My family on both sides have some kind of mental health disorders as well as a long history of Alcoholism and drug abuse. I seem to be one of those people that are either all the way and full tilt or not nothing at all.  If I drink..I drink to get drunk not to have a good time or to have a few to unwind.  Alcohol and Percocet have been my demons of pleasure..they have been my coping crutch.  Perks I have defeated and have been clean and off of them for over three months..but alcohol is hard to stay away from..i dont drink daily or weekly just depends on my mood.  I have all these things that go on in my head that are at times hard to explain.  I am only at the beginning of trying to get myself straightend out, and I feel like im crazy sometimes...I have completley lost who I am...bare with me please as I know I am all over the place..but I also know I have come to the right place for guidence and support and I appreciate any little bit of help I can get.  Thank you all for your big hearts and understanding!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Yeah it sounds like you described bipolar disorder partly in your writing in your last comment.  Look at the bright side, at least you know what it is now and you're getting the proper treatments types now.

[cowgirlnerd]

When I was on Cymbalta, it made me manic.  That's when I had my first really bad episode and got diagnosed.  I had a really hard time with it and still struggle with the stigmas associated with bipolar.  It gets easier after you tell a few people and they don't freak out.  

I am having some kind of episode now like I haven't had before, but think it's the meds I am on now.  SO, there are no stead-fast symptoms that you can know for any certainty.  It's a rollercoaster ride most days.  BUT, when you do get stable....man, it feels wonderful!  

[Painkillernightmare]

ahh man ty guys! Im so glad some can relate to what Im talking about.  Telling someone who doesnt understand is a nightmare!  Went to the Dr today and he has put me on Ciprelex (sp?) and if that doesnt cut it then we are going to increase the Seriquil.  I have been trying deep breathing exercises and that seems to help the anxiety a little.

[budicca]

I had a hard time accepting my diagnosis too. Or rather, I had a hard time accepting the treatment for my diagnosis. Why aren't I good enough the way I am? And meds everyday? Who wants that? That requires discipline of which I had none. Control my thoughts and thereby my emotions? Are you kidding?

I've since learned that all these things are possible but I had to accept that reality is what it is.  I can't change that I'm bipolar. But I can accept that and I can accept that there is treatment available to help me manage my mood. And accepting is not giving up.  It's merely acknowledging the facts of a situation that cannot be changed rather than fighting it, hoping that somehow it will change.

I understand your frustration with your mood. When I'm not well, my mood seems to fluctuate suddenly and dramatically. It was hell for me and I can only imagine the hell I put others through. But with the right cocktail of meds and the therapy I'm going through now, I can safely say I am the most stable I have ever been.  All the hard work and sacrifice was worth it. The best advice I can give is don't stop with just medication.  Meds will get you so far but it's really a crutch. You have to meet it half way. Whether you choose to study self help books, Zen, etc or go to therapy, do something to train your mind. Otherwise, you might find that the meds don't work as well.

If you're interested there is a book by Lana R. Castle called "Bipolar Disorder Demystified." It's written by a patient not a doctor. She tells her story and inserts very helpful tidbits of information throughout. Her symptoms may not be the same as yours but it's an interesting read anyway.  It gave me an idea on how to talk to my doctor.

Another helpful site is www.dbtselfhelp.com  

Good luck with your treatment!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

DBT is very helpful for getting in touch with your logical mind over your emotional mind.  It also teaches you how to just let emotions come and go on their own although I don't know how well that part of it would work for mood instability of a psychiatric nature.  I find I don't get anywhere near as angry as I used to and if I do a lot of times I don't even act out on it at all and instead find a better solution to what is angering me.