Needing help on dealing

[dee117]

I have written before, bad night last night.  Can anybody tell me how to deal with spouse.  He is in a hypermanic state and he is so aggitated, mostly at me.  I try to be suportive, but if I mention he's acting hyper or say slow down, or relax or anything, he get really angry and start to really scream at me.  Jumps out of his seat and screams "don't gell me how I feel."  So, can somebody tell me how to act.  Do I say nothing?  His dr. can take my voicemails but not call me back.  He is up so early, that I too am sleep deprived, so I'm exhausted.  I can't keep up with his energy and feel like I'm living with someone on speed all the time.  Makes me so nervous I end up telling him.  Should I say nothing?  What can bring him back to stable?  He's on Effexsor 150 mg. Trileptal, stablizers, six a day, and takes reperidol, to calm him down, but only sometimes.  His dr. told him they are so small he can take up to 6 a day, but he doesn't because he likes feeling up?   I am looking for somebody to tell me how to act around him, to help him,  

[irishwriter]

i think your sons are old enough to be of support to you and maybe they would like to be kept in the loop. The might appreciate being asked to help. as everyone else has said, try not to argue with him when he's high as i imagine it is a bit like trying to reason with a drunk person. i don't get the highs at all so i'm just guessing here. try to find some time that's just for you even it is just taking a long bath or going for a walk. hang in there it will wind down eventually. in the meantime rj had a good suggestion in trying to talk to the doc in person to let him know what  is going on. If you have gone with him before now perhaps you're still named as a person who can have information. no harm to talk to doc anyway. good luck with it and i hope it settles down soon.

[RJ233]

I know it is hard to live with, I'm on the inside of bp looking out. I know how I feel and react and I can feel for anyone having to deal with a spouse like that. We understand how our actions can affect others. It is probably best the children don't come around him too much. It keeps them from a lot of stress. You can visit them though, and when your husband is stable take him with you. You said his dr will take your voice mails but won't answer. If you find he is having enough problems to get in touch with the dr, don't go to the email, go to his nurse and tell her you need to talk to him because he is expressing signs he is getting worse. Insist on speaking to the dr. He may not discuss everything with you but he can say, bring him in. Normally they have a paper they fill out when they have the first visit that says they allow people to get information through the dr and it has a place for the patient to write who if anyone they want. If he named you then it should not be such a problem. Keep in touch so we know how you are doing. RJ

[dee117]

Thank you for writing back to me.  You are the first woman that has responded to me who actually lives it.  My husband also is very responsbile at work, father of two grown children and was always, until age 47 or so,  been a very passive quiet cool guy.  I myself am a little more "naturally" outgoing and so opposites attract.  Well, as you know, when he's in this state, I'm now the quiet one.  I feel exhausted and walking on egg shells on what the right thing to say or not to say is.  He has been on lithium, symbyax, and many others.  The lithium made him very zombie-like.  No feelings and made him feel down.  He is now taking Trileptal to stabalize, Effexsor for the depression part, and then reperidal when he feels he needs to calm down.  I believe him when he says he takes everything as ordered.  This is his sixth "up" in 9 years or so.  This episode  has been 3 1/2 months now.  It's a long time, but he had one that lasted 8 months.  Before this, he was even for almost a year and I had forgotten it could happen again!!     His mother has and always has had severe bipolar.  Electric shock therapy, institutionlized, you name it.  He is not anywhere near that bad and I have to think that the meds are controlling his ups and downs somewhat.  

I am hearing you and the others repeating one common thing.  Don't  try to reason.  Don't argue.  You are so right.  The more I argue the more out of control he gets.  I feel as though I am the only one is treats that way, but of course, I am the only one trying to bring him back down to "stable".  Our kids do not live home anymore, 29 and 25, and it makes me sad, but I feel they are not coming home as often to visit because they don't want to see their dad acting like their grandmother did.  This is hard for me as well.  I don't want to get them too involved so  they don't have to worry , so I try not to turn to them for support, which is why I'm on this site.  

Thanks so much for corresponding with me.  I'll hope he comes back down to earth soon.  Usually, the winter months, shorter days, make him calmer.  I have left voice messages for his dr. so that he is aware of his behavior.  My husband is a very good salesperson and I just hope that he's not selling the dr. on being ok.  He no longer allows me to go with him, as I have in the past.  He says it's not about me.

  I will keep in touch.  It is good to hear that I'm not alone.  I have some very dear friends, but honestly, they cannot relate to what I'm telling them.  

Dee

[Leigh08]

I wanted to cry when I read your plee for help....because this has been my life for six years.  I'm 33 years old and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when our first son was 1 week old.  In the last six years he has had two relapses....the most recent one was last month.  I completely understand that you feel like you are going crazy yourself!  I have come to realized that it is probably just as hard, if not harder, on the spouse of someone that is bipolar.  It's not just sleepless nights..but sleepless DAYS!!!  The last episode of mania my husband had was about six weeks ago....I honestly live in fear everyday that another episode is just around the corner.  

I want you to know that life CAN be normal though.  Ray and I have learned how to better deal with his disorder to keep the manic episodes away ....and how to handle them when they do arise.  First, don't try to argue or reason with him.  I've learned that the more I argue the more I agitate him and send him even deeper into an episode.  Second in meds, Ray takes 4 lithium and 1 respidal a day.  I could not live without lithium!  As soon as the Dr. adjusted his lithium intake he started coming down off of his high and began acting more normal....although it still took a couple of weeks to completely level out.

I know it seems impossible right now....but the right meds can honestly make all the difference in the world.  Ray is a functioning father of two, a husband and holds down a full time job...but he is willing to admit (finally) that he has a problem and he needs help.  Hang in there, and please look for support from other family....without my family supporting me I would have left a long time ago.  Life can be normal!!!  

[lostoneself]

I have been medicated for over two years now, and no meds dont always make you stable all the time.  I cant say for everyone but for myself.  I tend to be stable when i am on meds but there is still the cycling, the only difference is that with meds they can help to decrease the frequency of the cycling and to also weaken the symptoms meaning that the mania and depression are not as severe they tend to be more mild.  

I will have to agree with monkeyc in that we love to feel high because we know the alternative and sometimes stable isnt as much fun.  In Dec last year i thought i felt good and was going to responsivly stop taking meds to see if i could handle it without but then about a month later i fell very hard and decided that being without the mania and being stable is a heck of alot better than living with the severe depression.  with my episode it shaped up my life, i didnt like where it took me and scared me half to death.  I for the most part like my life and love living and for me to seriously consider ending my life for no particular reason made me realize that i chose stable over depression.  

I think that maybe your spouse may need to learn that on his own, that is with you being there but be calm and patient but supportive which i know can be hard.  but i really think that is the best action for you right now.

[dee117]

Thanks for all of your good advice.  I do try to stay as calm as I can around him, however his hyer activity is like being with somebody on speed, while I'm trying to chill.  The only time he gets really angry with me is when I sugges that he's a little too high and should maybe talk to his dr. about adjusting meds.  He gets very upset screams that I'm no dr. and that his meds are just fine.  His dr. adjusted the meds six weeks ago by adding one more stablizer, Trileptal, six a day instead of five.  He did mellow out for 4 days and even said to me I feel like I'm coming back to normal.  I do not know whether he decided to not take that extra pill or if his body just adapted to it because he's up and flying again.  
Here is my questions.  If he was on the right meds, would he stay even indefintely?  He has had six high episodes and then evens out for sometimes as much as 10 mos.  He has had one low.  (horrible)  So can somebody with bipolar, if medicated properly always be even??  
  I am trying to give him space.  He leaves for a business trip, however, he usually comes back pumped up and higher.  In fact his first espisode was triggered by a successful business trip and this up was triggered by a successful business month in sales.  His job really affects his mood swings.

  Thanks for an ear and your help

[monkeyc]

Ok the thing is to be calm and understanding, hes not himself right now and he isnt in control.

Second thing is simple - regardless of the disease you must make sure you never put yourself at risk.  Do not put him in a situation where he feels trapped, this tends to make it worse.

Ultimately he needs to take his meds and stabilise - its commitment to his treatment. We all love hypomania - its a great place to be for us, we have heaps of energy, feel like we can do anything and its a good feeling but it spirals out of control and the up comes with the down - What you need to be aware of is he does like feeling up and thats likely because hes felt down and we would by preference choose up - and there's also a fear, losing the hypomania for many of us when we stabilise is like a small death, there's almost a feeling of grief involved.

All you can do is be patient and understanding and give him some space - his Doctros do not sound very responsive frankly.  Make sure you have someone you can talk to about this as well in your life and if the situation spirals get him to a hospital.

Good Luck, come back and ask any questions you need or if you need a shoulder to lean on there are plenty of them around.