New Years Eve

[dippy1]

Just wondering if this is a common line of thinking.

Ineveitably the start of 2009 will mark a turning point; there's lots of talk of new starts, better years, reflection on twelve months past and resolutions for the coming months. I've never been a big fan of the New Years Eve (henceforth I'll call it NYE) celebrations and usually handle it with an ambivalent attitude.

The thing is that I had a breakdown about 18m ago and am getting better, moving on, making forward steps, my meds are probably as good as they could be, there's talk of starting to wean one of the ADs in spring, I have returned very part time to work, and my whereas a year ago I couldn't leave my house without large diazepam crutches, I now am diazepam free and getting out much more; even working twice a week in a limited capacity. I have engaged with a very good therapist and though it's still early days I feel she'll be very good for me in the long term. We have a family holiday booked in February and I am genuinely looking forward to that.

All this sounds very positive, and written down as it is, reads like a success story. AND YET as NYE celebrations are prepared I find myself rather troubled/overwhelmed. I see not the progress but:   1). how bad I got  and  2). how much more there is to achieve before I can feel "normal" and  3). a sense of deep deep grief for something lost/damaged/never to be the same again.

The problem is that NYE is classically a time for reassessment, for reflection, for planning, for dreaming, scheming, measuring and comparing. People will say stuff to me and I don't know how I'll handle it.

I am applying all the strategies I've learnt over the year, I am trying to avoid the negative thought trap which I fear will send me into a downward spiral (again!)  but today and in the coming few days so many people will talk to me of the end of a year and the start of a year, I feel like I need to find a spin which will help me survive. Spending the night alone is not an options; we will be at home but with friends, friends I know well and who will all be well-meaning.

Not sure if this makes sense to anyone, but would love some words/thoughts of wisdom.

[LeftCoastChick]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. You are human, you are going to have negative thoughts right? It depends on what size of negativity you want? the choice is yours.

I am absolutely not making any NY resolutions, you are setting yourself up for self defeat. I have my daily resolutions, do something every day, be gentle on myself and don't fret too much.  Those are pretty simple. Things that you can do every day, not just set up for NY. I think it's a twisted commercial gimmicks for the NY, especially by diet plans and gyms.

BP is an illness like any other illness, grieving is okay, but you can only move forward, that past is only a reference point and a notch post.  It's also part of the illness that we're going to have slips, hicuups and bumps along the way. It sounds like you are mastering your coping skills, and you should really remind yourself how far you've come.
You should be proud of yourself!

[BeeKeeper]

You're not alone.

I completely agree with LeftCoastChick.  My resolutions truly are from one day to the next.  Having fought severe ups and downs through life and refusing help, I had no choice but to ask for ehlp about 9 months ago and still didn't completely surrender to help until about six months ago.

Any resolutions I might have made last year were lost quickly in just trying to stay alive...in battling myself.  Now, under medications and therapy, it can still be a real struggle and it is far from over on so many levels...but if I take things one day at a time...and most days - a half a day at a time - I can resolve to keep fighting.  That resolution for me is all that matters - regardless of what other people think or say.

I have to resolve daily to keep it together for my kids the best possible way I can.  Some days it works...some it doesn't...but you just keep trying.

The changing of the new year is like birthdays...it's just a number. :)  What counts is that you don't give up on yourself.  You don't measure personal success by a resolution that - as much as you are determined to keep - you may not be able to...and you allow that depressed feeling an open door.  Just continue to live life - day to day - looking to the future more than the past when you can.  Truly enjoy the good days and try not to dread the next down turn.  When falling down, try to hang on to something from the good times you've had.

...and don't forget you always have friends here.  Real people who understand what you are feeling and living with/through.  You'll always find a friend here to talk with.

Courage.

[elwoodsf]

I gave up NY resolutions I don't remember how long ago. They are such a set up for failure with me. I do start thinking of things to start, get ready for the summer months, then I tell myself to knock it off.

My hubby is expecting me to go to our friends for NYE. I don't want to go. I know it will bother him but I don't like being at parties, especially NYE. History proves I don't do well. Last year six teenagers and my sister in law came over. We played Guitar Hero the entire night. What a kick. Lots of food for the kids and they were happy.

Hang in there. NYE is just another day on the calendar that proceedes Jan. 1st., 2nd, etc. Easy said; I wish you well.

[manicmary]

Like you have have come a long way in getting better.  I take my meds, go to my therapist, get enough rest and try my best to stay away from negative thinking.  These are all the things that I really have control over so I do them for me, everyday.

I am apprehensive of what the new year will bring.  I know there will be new challenges to face and I am getting older along the way.  My age has never bothered me much until my breakdown this fall.  Until that time I have always faced life at 1000 mph, getting what every needed to be done done. I can't do that anymore and I know there will come a time when I won't want to do it.  Maybe that time will happen in 2009 but there are no guarantees.  In the mean time I will do all I can do to help keep me well, take my meds, see my therapist, get enough sleep and try my best to keep positive.

[monkeyc]

I never make them personally and the reason is the same reason I do not make them on my birthday or the 2nd saturday in may - they are dates and nothing more than that.

In times past our years ran to the lunar cycles as did our months and things like "new years eve" were fluid - for many asian cultures they still are.

So why make a resolution to change your life on the 1st of january?  Its just not special to me, all NYE has become is another commericialised spending holiday where people go out, get wrecked and wake up with a hangover - once upon a time this had an appeal I guess but with meds and everything its now become dangerous behaviour for me.

I see my bipolar as a work in progress, a continuing education and life experience and I try every day to learn something new or learn a new way of coping or relaxing or something - I have to say my 2008 sucked; health, surgery, family deaths and a marriage that is now falling apart faster than I every though but making a resolution to me seems like an excuse and god knows I have made enough of those over the years.

Don't let society put pressure on you to conform and party or enjoy NYE - New years like Christmas and Easter are pagan festivals which have become so riven in hype and false goodwill and commercialisation that they no longer have any real relevance - I return to my analogy of Sunday Morning Christians when it comes to most of the peace on earth and goodwill crowd I know.

Every day is a new day.  Thats all we can hope for.

Happy New Year from Sunny Australia.

[therese83]

Look you can feel whatever you want whenever you want.  Give yourself the permission!

If you feel like saying 'up yours' to the new year celebrations say it!

Be yourself, no one is obliged to 'be' a certain way.  You are doing great.  you want to have seen me nearly four years ago...... you can get better, somehow better than you ever were, it takes time

So F*#@ the new year, (ha , ha)

[Lizz67]

18 months is an awfully good amount of time to be so stable  -  congratulations!  Anniversaries and holidays are always times that we reflect and compare our situations to the former year.
So feeling some grief this year seems pretty normal.  We all know how much you can lose during and after a breakdow.
I once read a study that concluded that after a manic episode, it can take up to 5 years to repair the damage.

I don't say this to bring anyone down...Just that it's normal to have sad or bad effects for a long time.

Your post made  me think, too.

I like holidays a bit now, and I'd like to get dressed up, go out, get (kinda) wrecked, and be hungover and tired tomorrow.  My problem is I don't have anyone to play with. I have a good life, but few friends I trust.

So don't let down feelings ruin a "just another day."
You really sound put together.  Don't discount your accomplishments

[GeorgiaAnnie]

NY.  I donot resolve for the new Year.  Missed NYE this year keeping quiet.  Now just part of the year.  Congrats on all you are doing to keep life on a good even keel.

Happy New Year from Georgia.  My birthday comes in a few days so I'm still hoping this upswing will come out well.  Still sleeping some hours.  Rampant sexuality and all..