How can I stop?

I'm 21, 5'8" tall, and around 160lbs. I've always had a grim body image. In my senior year of high school, at 220lbs, I stoped eating. I was on a medication with side effects including suppressing my appetite. I lost around 30lbs then. Once I was taken off the medication I gained back all the weight I had lost, and then some. When I turned 19 I moved states to go to school. After about 3 months of being surrounded by new people, I started to become over obsessed with the way I look. I found myself compairing my body to the scary skinny and the morbidly obease. I couldn't see any in between. You were either tiny or huge, and I didn't want to be the latter. So I stoped eating again, this time at my own will. I kept telling myself that once I hit a heathy weight I'd stop. I was in control. It went from not eating for about 5 days at a time to eating something small every other day and throwing up. It's progressed to the point were I throw up at least once a day, even if I haven't eaten anything. The little food I do eat makes me feel horrible. I feel like a failure at life for every cracker I eat or every cup of juice I drink. Whenever I'm around other people, like at school or when family comes to visit, I'm fine. Of course I think about it, but I don't take action. I sit and wait, counting every little piece of food I've consumed in my head. And then when the family has left or the weekend comes around I take laxatives. One time I took so many that I actually started throwing up. I can't think of anything else. Somehow I've made a connection in my head that I'll never be happy unless I'm skinny, and I know that's wrong. Every time I start to walk towards the bathroom, I scream at myself. It's like I don't have any control over it. Almost as if I'm watching while someone else has control over my body. And at this point, I've stoped losing weight. Now I'm just fighting to maintain the weight that I'm at. I want out. I want it to stop. I want to have control again. Someone help me, please.

[Zoelula]

I'm so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. I know all too well how painful eating disorders are, and that, of course, is what you are suffering with. I went through what you are for 30 years and in the end it was no longer about the weight (the same damn 20 pounds I lost and gained all my life) but about stopping the insanity. The good new is you can do that and recovery is possible. I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for 15 years now. I don't obsess about food or weight and I eat healthy. You can get there too. But most people need help to do this. My suggestion would be to talk to your doctor and get a referral to a therapist trained in eating disorders. Another good support is OA, you can find it in the phonebook under Overeater's Anonymous. There are meetings in every good sized town and it is an excellent free source of support and learning. You don't have to live this way!